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scared&worn out

OCD-UK Member
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About scared&worn out

  • Birthday 21/03/1977

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    Near Heathrow

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  1. scared&worn out

    Been a long time

    Hi everyone, I have not been around for while as things have been more or less under control, yet here I am again and in what can only be described as an OCD/Depression mix at the moment. I am trying to work out which symptoms are for which but I am getting my mind confused. I know the rigmarol, I know the coping mechanisms but I feel so low and lacking motivation. I was hoping someone may be able to tell me if this is more OCD or Depression? I have been signed off work for the past 2 weeks with stress. Granted I have a lot going on - my mums Multiple Sclerosis is getting worse, my youngest son has been diagnosed with ADHD, my marriage is under pressure and I still have a weight problem. Not trying to feel sorry for myself just cant see the wood for the trees at the moment. All of my day at the moment is spent thinking - thinking through situations, trying to come up with solutions, putting myself down (almost like a voice telling me I am rubbish, a failure, getting ill again etc - except its not a voice, it is me telling myself these things). I have spoke about my stresses at work and feel that people will talk about me, think bad of me, judge me, put me down (I know for definate they have been talking about me whilst I have not been there - saying about how can I go off with stress, we all have stress in our lives etc etc). My boss who granted has been quite nice to to me prior to this asked me to let her know when and IF I am coming back. So I think she doesn't want me to come back and is going to make my life hell. I work in Domiciliary Care. Mental Health seems to be a joke around the office - they know about my OCD and anxiety and depression so it hurts that they make fun of people with mental health issues. They tell me I need to toughen up, man up and stop being so serious and pananoid. Yet the boss is slagging me off to my co-workers. Arrrgggghhhh. I dont want to go back but financially I cant afford to be at home and my other half says I should go back. My mind is thinking, over and over and over about things - analysing, figuring out, catastrophizing etc. Is this OCD ??? I feel a rubbish person and feel so low all the time. People trying to do nice things for me makes me think "why, I dont deserve it" If one more person tells me to snap out of it or change my thinking, I think I might scream. Also I want desperately to have another baby but I am terrified. My OCD was out of control when I was pregnant last time. I dont think that could ever happen again but time is ticking. Any advice or opinions would be great x
  2. scared&worn out

    ocd fear of cheating?

    Hi Swampfox, OCD likes to prey on the things that are personally important to us. As you said 'you never cheat' which shows that this is something you would never consider doing and because of this OCD has picked up on that and the classic 'what ifs' begin. Reassurance is a compulsion and as hard as it seems you must try not to seek reassurance. Believe me, easier said than done as reassurance seeking has always been my forte as well. Are you receiving any treatment? Perhaps have a read of some of the many helpful self help books on OCD. Once you master the art of not seeking reassurance the thought will become in perspective and will not bother you! Hope you are feeling better x
  3. scared&worn out

    Membership Star

    Thanks guys, much appreciated x
  4. scared&worn out

    Membership Star

    Hi Ashley/Mods, I am a paid up member. I used to use the username Michelle or Shelley (cant remember which as it has been ages and I forgot my user name/password. Is there any chance of adding me as a member using my current user name so I can have access to all the areas.... This is probably the wrong forum to put this on but I can not access anywhere else. Thanks guys x
  5. Oh and by the way, the group is promoting OCD UK as one of the support networks! Yipeeeeeeeeee x
  6. Hi all, I hope the OCD is keeping at bay for you all. Sorry I have not been round much but I feel that everytime I post I am seeking reassurance, which I know is not good for OCD, so although I have been reading the boards I have tried to distance myself a little. Well I have just began a 10 week CBT OCD group. About 7 or 8 of us in total. It only started last week. The problem is I feel such a fraud and feel like I need to prove myself all the time. My line of thinking (perhaps obsessively) is what if people don't think I have OCD and am a bad person or what if people believe my thoughts? Most of the time now I know that my many obsessive thoughts over the years are just that..... thoughts and not real but because I have talked about my thoughts/OCD I am scared people will believe them and judge me as a bad person. Why for goodness sake can I not have any faith in myself??????? My self esteem is at rock bottom. I don't feel good enough. I am making stupid mistakes at work, I am getting irritable and snappy with everyone and tearful all the time. I even think you guys on here will think of me as a pain. What the heck is going on. Why do I have to prove myself yet I feel disconnected with myself??? Any ideas? x
  7. scared&worn out

    Completely unsure.

    Hi Alfie, The problem with OCD is sometimes we all think, "maybe it is not OCD, maybe it is me". This is classic OCD. It is not called the doubting disease for nothing Perhaps it may be an idea to show your mum this website as she probably does not know much about OCD. Unfortunately, OCD can make us doubt every thought we have and because you have opened up about your thoughts it has raised your anxiety levels, hence why you are feeling this way. But please dont let it put you off getting help. You should be very proud of youself for opening up. Some GP's are not very well trained in ocd which is why you need to get referred to the local mental health team who will have seen many, many people with ocd and will be able to get you on your road to recovery. In the meantime, how about considering getting some self help books. Imp of the mind is a good one, as is brain lock which covers the 'four steps' noted at the top of this page (click the link and it will tell you more). Unfortunately none of us are medically trained but put it this way, I have had many of exactly the same thoughts as you over the years and have been diagnosed with OCD for nearly 7 years. In hindsight I have had OCD since being a child in various forms. With every answer to every question with OCD will come a 'yeah but' or a 'what if', which keeps the ocd cycle going. Try to break that cycle by knowing that these are just thoughts, thats all!!! x
  8. I always find mornings very difficult. It takes me a good 3 (sometimes more) hours in the morning to begin to feel less anxious. The best time of the day for me is night time, when I tend to feel more relaxed.
  9. scared&worn out

    Completely unsure.

    I so agree with Legend. I feel like I always want to tell everyone my thoughts and it is really, really hard to resist but you do need to! I have 'confessed' my various thoughts many times only to repeat myself or double, triple, quadruple check/confess/reassurance seek. Breaking that cycle is really difficult and something I still struggle with. Hopefully I will win that battle, I am trying!!!
  10. scared&worn out

    Completely unsure.

    Hi Alfie, Firstly welcome to the forums, you will find some really nice people on here. There is no need at all to apologise. You are more than welcome to open up about your thoughts and you will definately find many people on here with exactly the same types of thoughts as you, including myself. I totally understand how you are feeling. I too suffer from the more 'pure o' type of OCD although I do have compulsions in the form of checking, reassurance seeking and retracing my steps. My thoughts have always picked on thinking I have done things wrong and also HIV OCD which plagued me for all my teens and most of my 20's. Unfortunately OCD sems to wax and wane throughout life and seems to pick on stressful times in your life and also when you are feeling happy and contented. The proven treatment for OCD is CBT (cognitive behavioual therapy) and medication (which is personal preference - some people take medication others prefer not to). There is various links at the top of the page that will help you greatly. The best bit of advise I can give is to see your gp and asked to be reference to your local CMHT with a view to CBT. It is the best thing I did. It is scary but you can beat this. Good luck and once again welcome to the forum x
  11. scared&worn out

    Told my partner

    Hi Louise, That is fantastic news. I am so happy for you. Keep up the good work xx
  12. scared&worn out

    I have a sick mind

    Hi Dominic, I am sorry you are feeling so down at the minute but I promise you, it will get easier. Sweetheart if you were enjoying this it would not be upsetting you so much. It is OCD trying to tell you otherwise. You obviously love your mum very much as she does you. You can and you will get better. So you took drugs in the past, you wont be the first and you wont be the last. You have learned from the experience, thats what matters. Are you on any medication at the moment? It may be worth discussing this with your doctor. Have you had any CBT? I totally understand how you feel as I have been there, and still go there sometimes nowadays but I have got over it and so will you. Take each day at a time (each hour or minute if needs be) and don't be so hard on yourself. Your mum loves you and as a mum myself I know that she will be doing everything she can to make you better, as my mum has done during my darkest days xx
  13. Hi all, Me again, moaning as usual I don't know what is the point anymore. I try really hard to be a good mum, a good wife, a good daughter etc, a good person all over, so why does things keep going wrong???? The kids have been playing up recently (I guess as kids do, being 12, 10 and nearly 6) and there is lots of stress in the family, so last night my husband decides to say he has had enough, doesn't think he can cope with everything anymore and was saying he may as well leave. He says the kids don't respect him (or me), I am so wrapped up in OCD that I don't seem to deal with other things.... It is true that the kids are spoilt and they don't show us respect at times. I feel like I am trying to buy them to make up for what I feel OCD has done to us as a family. I love him dearly but he thinks I dont care because we dont have any time together and our sex life is non existant. My OCD thoughts are around 'sexual' issues so is it surprising that I don't want sex? I am scared. What if he leaves and throws my thoughts at me. What if he tells people my thoughts. What if he tells our kids the thoughts and it screws them up and they hate me. I want to be a normal family and I don't even seem to be able to get that right. In the past when we have argued my husband has thrown my thoughts at me. Not for quite a while however, and he said it was through frustatration and because he knew it would hurt, but that doesn't make it easier or better. I am trying to hold everything together but I feel like a failure and that this is as good as life is going to get. We have bought 3 children into this world who I love more than anything ever for what, to become part of the next generation of messed up kids who in turn become messed up adults and it will all be my fault. Is it worth it anymore. What is the point fighting this **** day in day out. Not sure I can anymore. My life is spiralling and there is nothing I can do about it.
  14. scared&worn out


    Hi, Gosh your post sounds like I wrote it I too have had a blissful 2 years totally free of OCD only for it to come back when I had stress in my life. When it was good I tended to ignore that I ever had it in the first place and I also did not "keep in touch with my ocd", which in hindsight wish I had because it would prepare me much better for the setbacks/relapses. I think the thing to remember is that it got better and will again. Did you have CBT in the past? If so, is there any techniques that you learned that you could try to apply. It is very common through times of stress for OCD to rear its ugly head and I think the problem arises because as soon as you have those old thoughts/feelings you get scared that it will become bad again, which heightens anxiety and wham bang before you know it the ocd cycle starts again...... This time round, I have decided that I will learn from what works with helping combat the ocd and work on my ocd, lack of self confidence/esteem and belief in myself when I am feeling 'well' as well as when I am feeling bad. I hope this helps x
  15. scared&worn out


    Hi there. I take 40mg fluoxetine (prozac) each day and have found no major problems. I have not long restarted them after being on them for a couple of years and then stopping. It is recommended that you dont drink with any antidepressants as alcohol is a depressant in itself but I must admit that I do still have a glass or two of wine of an evening without any problems. The only thing I have found this time round is that I have unexplained bruising but all blood tests were normal (and I do tend to bruise easily - not this easily mind you).... Different tablets work for different people, so see how you get on and any concerns, mention them to your doctor. Bare in mind that it takes quite a few weeks for all anti depressants to work to full efficiency. Have you asked to be referred for CBT?