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njb

Bulletin Board User
  • Posts

    644
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Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Covert mainly, severe obsession of paedophilia, attraction to under age and fear of forever tripping from lsd

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Somewhere in my own mind

Recent Profile Visitors

905 profile views
  1. Completely agree with the replies and wish you all the best. The 'what if' is omnipresent in ocd and i would say its a cornerstone of the disorder and well documented in literature and posts here. All manner of sensations both physical and mental are well documented as relative. Ocd has a habit of raising its doubt in clear sight but makes it feel a unique new angle. This train of thought is same old doubt but different angle. It is OCD. Good luck everyone. One day at a time. Njb
  2. Perhaps it's ok when we are in the zone to be sharing it with OCD. Sometimes we are in the seat and others not and sometimes with OCD. Sums it up. Either way youre in the car 😁
  3. The whole brain develops from gestation and matures about 25. The amygdala peaks about 11 years old then declines. Our thoughts are not ruled by amygdala ie primitive to that age of 25 ish but it is that the amygdala, which controls more than simply fight or fright, competes with the more rational lobes whereas with brain maturity comes more ability to access reason ie the lobes. Bit misleading to say our thoughts are ruled by primitive brain, our reactions to that which we experience and process would perhaps be better.
  4. Great reply plaguedbyocd. Just hoping you feel a little better Summer.
  5. Hi. I meant more in the way in which your OCD is interfering with your recollection of it not that the event didn't happen. It's how OCD will affect how you recall it. I'm same. I've events from 40 years ago I think about and I can't work out how it went down or endlessly ruminate on as in how i felt and how i feel now and tesring reactions to endless scenarios and outcomes but I sure as heck can tell another sufferer that OCD will mix it up and throw in all manner of rubbish. I just meant it as a yes you experienced the event but OCD is not a reliable witness. Njb
  6. Wise words from fellow sufferers above. You're in the zone. You're going at it like OCD train at bullet speed. The truth is you can't change it but it's probable nothing happened. That's the challenge. With OCD at bay or not at all we have the inert confidence to smell a rat when our brain fires BS. When youre in the zone you dont know what shoe size you are. Take care and listen to the wise words above. Good luck. Njb
  7. OCD will find a way but it is still just same OCD. I concur with you as I've had all those themes in differing amounts over the years. I've just turned 50 and am still going over situations when I was 15 like you. Paedophile, under age, incest, relationships health in general you name it. You're far from any of the things you fear but you've OCD and that puts all the theme and obsession rubbish in front of itself. It's all same thing. OCD. Try as hard as it is to distract and watch those triggers. Talk to people. Be easier on yourself. You're not alone. Njb
  8. @malina agree. Comes in many forms. Once the obsession begins and you are endlessly analysing and scrutinising and compulsively testing and ruminating it's all fuel. Certainly don't want any of them overall. I guess it's a tough one but once you are endlessly anxious and hyper aware and questioning own sexuality and identity and hyper aware of all mental and physical sensations you are pretty much of course wired to the obsession and become a huge machine of testing - that is without having addressed compulsion and rumination etc. I guess my point is I'm even scared to agree that things could be more specific because I'm now scared I don't have ocd - quite fragile today ! But I agree. Comes from all places.
  9. @PolarBearthank you for your time. Yes I ought know better and will continue to work on this. I'm really going to try not caring. It's the only way I will ever get back to real me long term. So utterly overwhelmed by the realness of it all again. I'm right there yet again. Like a stupid hole walked straight into. With each compulsion there is more fear and despair. I'm off to distract. Thanks again Polar bear. Hope you are well and so happy to see you are still about supporting with your wise words. Njb
  10. Hi @malina. Wow that's a lot of life event planning for anyone to contemplate at any time and it's all good positive stuff. Just keep pressing ahead. You've noticed OCD wants some part of it all and that's insightful. That it's started to bring you down is natural but it needn't stop you or at least bounding on like a determined person. Just remember, it doesn't matter the theme, it's all OCD and same fundamental challenge. Could be about lawn mowers or weddings. It's that pathetic a bully. So look, plough on and be insightful like you are, you know it will try, keep doing the do as best you can. Great that you're seeing a therapist and also reaching out with such a lovely post for support. Funny how we all see it in each other but struggle with ourselves. I guess I haven't much to offer other than stay with it, make those plans and recognise ocd for what it is. Njb
  11. @malina thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. Means a lot and your message is gratefully received. Very kind words and confidence inspiring. Hope you are well. Thank you ? Njb
  12. Hi, Haven't been here in a while and hope everyone is ok. Had a tough second half of 2021 as wife's cancer came back after 5 years free and is now stage 4. Treatable but not curable. Been ok though but OCD keeps knocking on the door. Thought I was doing average but started to watch a 2016 called Siren and at start there is a back story so there's a figure in a nude suit creeping about and I flipped the usual anxiety as it dawned on me it was a young person. The whole scene is a bit grainy and definitely dark as filmed in a supposed late night church erc. There is a point where the actress seems to have a developed chest and this has freaked me out utterly. I went straight back to OCD habits and watched it endlessly. I can see breasts and think 'attractive' but then see person as younger and see nurturing only as in not attractive. I cant work out whether they've given false chest to look like the temptress in back story or whether I even care as I can see it both ways in terms of like don't like. I've been pouring over internet and think the actress was about 11 which has utterly shattered my world. I just don't know how to get past this now. Had this theme for so many years now I just feel so ashamed I've not managed to move on. I can't tolerate this zombie existence of anxiety and hoping for it to end. I'm still so utterly susceptible to these invasions and spiral like an addict into bad behaviours. My logic side says that I couldn't see context ie grainy footage, can't make out age, figure not actually alluring etc but then it flips to you liked breasts and doubts over every second of the 1m or so of footage. I guess I'm just looking for a friendly hi where it doesn't exist anywhere else and a reminder to self that ocd is a powerful beast just waiting to get back in there. I'm still shocked how quickly I can go from happy to utterly utterly depressed. I am confident that given context ie seeing the age of the actress as in face etc and as a whole I would (hopefully) be calm and I touch with real me. I just can't stop seeing it as attractive and then not and despite all the years of OCD I'm in the anxiety pit saying I'm a paedophile or into young girls and it is killing me all the same. I'm shaking, not sleeping and utterly convinced. Feel so alone and ashamed, especially as I can't think straight after all these years. I should be better at this. Back to basics for me. Hope anyone reading is doing ok. Njb
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