njb

Hi, You are certainly not alone and despite the theme it is all the same OCD. Try to stop feeling guilt and shame, you are reacting to your mental illness, don't beat yourself up for wishing with all your soul you were 'normal'. This was a huge theme of mine as a teenager and the advice then and still now (at 47) is accept you have OCD, everyone has thoughts, but for us they are like being hit round head with a pan as opposed a pillow and your OCD loves to keep you on it like a super computer. Distract, distance self and reflect. OCD will make you fancy your own feet or a snail if that way inclined. Try not to worry about how much you have spent on this and how easy the imagery etc may come back etc. Try to flip this to see the patterns in your thinking and put it in your OCD kit bag of knowledge to deflate it. So, you are not alone, it is all OCD be it sausages, cars, a hippo or family members. Is what it is and it is so deceptive. Now go and distract !

Sounds exactly like what ocd will do but go and see a specialist, get a diagnosis to understand what you are dealing with. Ocd can and will have you believe whatever you fear, visually, thoughts, physically, spiritually. The doubt and questioning and wondering whether it’s real you, if you like it, if you don’t, lack of anxiety or not sounds like anxiety so I’m not surprised you see similarities. Get some professional referral and then you can begin the process of understanding. It helps as a major first step. take care.

Hi Ashley. Thanks for the reply and advice. I agree that a primed ocd obsessed mind will see what it fears. In every way it can find. Great example you provide but it’s applying it to some pics of someone much younger than that and hence the extreme anxiety. Same theory though I guess. I’ve worked through it with my friend who is a psychiatrist and have focused on helpful behaviours. thanks again and hope you are well. Looking to book 16/11 and so it would be an honour to meet you, the team and put some faces to forum friends. njb

Hi. some awesome replies and I’ve not much more to add except it’s your ocd at play. I’ve hit absolute rock bottom just now also in similar style. look, I’ve often had that aroused sensation after testing like a release is really needed and it’s simply that you’ve been in that zone. Your brain is thinking about sex. Not pleasantly even though your ocd will say it is and it leaves you with the physical arousal, hence the desire to masturbate because your physical reaction has been prolonged. I’ve had that so many times and I’m sure I’ve seen posts on it before. Pretty sure you’re not doing it as a reaction to the images but more like reaction to constantly focusing on attraction etc. The tingling is telling you it’s real in a bodily way but also you’re trying to not like it which is tough because guess what, ocd gets stronger. If you say I love it, sometimes it gets weaker. i saw a ted piece on sexual non concordance and it explains a lot of what we already kind of know in frank words. Half the time we get the physical arousal where we are not even linking with real desire. So if someone says teenager had sex you may not react but saying ‘from behind’ may make you trigger somewhat and it’s the adding of the words which may make you think arousal but when you go over the situation you consider it all and don’t feel that way. I’m thinking for ocd we spend days doing that, not minutes or seconds. sometimes it may help to think ok that may have been provocative to anyone and then they shrug off when find out under age. We don’t do that. We go over it and really, we are in the ocd zone long before ruminating over it so need to understand we are on a one way street. try to distract.

Thanks paradoxer. I’ve kind of placed all my update in the reply to PolarBear. Ive never seen images that clearly illegal and that some I thought were normal and got a normal response until I put two and two together (I think those were where the age was difficult to work out as mainly face) has me so very sunk. struggling to get out of bed let alone engage my kids. I feel like a disgusting father for even thinking sexy thoughts as if I should be able to see the pics immediately. I can still picture all of them round and round and can’t shift the anxiety and nausea. i was doing fine on thus and now have plummeted to worst low. Not sure I can get back if I’m honest. what I do hope is that any person would react same at glance of some of the pics and that having been utterly in the ocd zone my brain was already wired for disaster and hitting the mothership was just too much. I can’t stress enough I reported the discovery 3 times via internet watch foundation but also that I’m recovering from back surgery, was told that the super strong antibiotics would interact with Sertraline and also started pregabalin for nerve pain. This is a red herring as I felt fine till saw pics, albeit I fell down that rabbit hole by seeing 18 plus and following that as already then triggered by 1 hour of testing. sorry for the garble and I hope you are well as I do everyone.

Thanks PolarBear. I can only offer that I’m still struggling with compulsions. I’ve hit rock bottom coming across illegal images for which I reported but having been triggered massively by my mixed reactions ie seeing as normal and then not and then back and forth I’m just so convinced and utterly low. I’m lucky enough to have a close friend who is a consultant psychiatrist so I spent the afternoon with her, which in all these years is only the second time so shows the seriousness at this time. I have not come across anything as obviously illegal as the series of images I’ve seen before. Never. That I could see some as arousing at all (I am sure where could not see age obviously) is absolute proof of my ocd fear being true. I’m trying to cope with making sense of that and applying common sense but it is really killing me.

Hi Ashley. thanks for reply and I tried in vain to get through yesterday and lines were busy and so hence the post. in terms of the googling beyond the naked wives I googled the name of the person which was associated with the images I didn’t want to see as it was underneath the pictures and googled that name under ‘all’ without images to see if I could tell how old the person depicted was or whether they were hopefully an adult etc to reassure self and then saw links which referenced person was a known victim of child porn which I reacted to so badly I’ve felt suicidal since. I really would appreciate being able to speak to someone as ocd Uk but worried the lines will be engaged again tomorrow. Is there any way of being able to access ocd therapist without queuing ? That would really help I’m sure. finally I do know my posts appear random and it reflects how bad am I unfortunately

Can’t anyone reply ? I’m seriously and totally consumed and need someone to speak with. Please someone reply as I’m totally lost.

I’ve reported the pics but for a while kept testing so feel awful about that’s also. How’d this stuff become so easy to trip over on google I don’t know.

Hi mate. thanks for the reply. I’ve been at a get together and holding it together just about. I’m all over the place though and can’t see how to cope now I’ve seen what I absolutely fear. It’s like I’ve come face to face with it and not won if that makes any sense, albeit I know how I really feel but at same time am shocked that I can see some as I fear. Then again some of the pics look older but I know they’re not on comparison but then I can then see them as younger and don’t like it. I can’t live if I actually even glimmered anything like fleeting attraction even if average person may not see full picture ie young until looking. im so sick to the pit of stomach. Just don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

I’m with wife. Hal, I just can’t get past that I saw some of the pics of oral sex and fleeting didn’t look like child but then I could see same person as other pics where clearly was. When I could see child straight away I was revulsed and nearly sick but felt fleeting arousal when saw same person but looking appropriate age for a second on the ones where age was not clear but I could see eventually it was the child from other pics and it disgusted me but then I could see arousal and then not and then again then not. you think a non ocd sufferer would just shrug and say yuk I didn’t realise that was also a child and move on? i can’t believe I’m typing this about actual child pics. I am disgusted. Google images under naked wives led to that. I’m retching as I type

Hey. googled naked wives to prove I’m not a paedo but saw someone looking 18 and had to test self. Led to a rabbit hole and I’m staggered but seen a whole series of pics which look like children. I googled one person and they were a victim of child porn aged about 10 or 12. There are some pics which are pornographic and whilst I can see her as a kid I feel utter repulsion but a few of the pics I can’t see a child easily and think for a moment I see an appropriate person and think it may be sexy. Then I can see the person as young and connect with reality. my ocd has peaked and I’m utterly ready to end it all. I can’t sleep or function. I’m so utterly scared. I know I’m not like that but how do I move on if I can see some pics as normal, caveat that I can stare for hours and then see young and back again. im lost Hal and I feel like suicide only way

Hi, can’t get through on call but need a chat asap please use number on file

Mate it’s a downer isn’t it but flip side is that there are a lot of positives out there across whole manner of industries. Intelligent people with absolute determination are making steps in lots of ways and with the awesome pressure younger generations are demanding perhaps it can be reversed. Like gingerbread said this has always been the case and the answers probably are here for us but it’s changing which is needed. World would be ace if we manage to move to a cleaner way of living, working and playing. 🙂 Chin up what what !

Absolutely on the money there. That’s such an insightful statement and will help me loads.