njb

Hey ocd burnout. Hello. I've been here a while. On and off. Wonderful people. Njb

Thanks for all the replies. Hope you're all doing ok.

Been away a while. Hard year but ocd been ok. I did the stupid Internet thing today and ended up so far down a rabbit hole it's killed me. Anyway, remind yourselves to try as hard as it is to not Google, don't follow the spike, just don't. It doesn't help. You may think you're confronting it and not running away but that's not confronting it, it's chasing it. Njb

Totally. Same illness. Different themes. Same thing. Lawnmowers, flowers, anything. It's all same. Terrifying to us all.

Hey. With you. With all of you. Mine has fallen off a cliff in one day. It's what it does. Can take you out and drop you down in a moment. I get you on the bed. Anywhere alone. Gotta keep going. It will get better.

Hi, Msmh24, its ocd. All of it. Some great replies from lovely people. Mcw - that's a tough read. I wish you all the best.

Thank you Polar Bear. Thank you for always being here also. It does sum it up. I will try to react differently to the obsession and cease compulsions. Got to keep on trying. Hope you are OK. Njb

Brilliant that is.

Thank you McW for taking the time to reply and provide such great insight. Thank you and hope you are OK. Njb

That's a lovely anecdote. Thanks.

Hi MHJ24, Thank you for taking the time to reply and send some lovely words. I will take these on board. You'd have thought after 40yrs of this I'd be better placed to handle it but we all need help and direction at some point. Hope you are doing ok. Njb

Hi, I've been doing ok. If you call ruminating still OK. Cane off sertraline months ago. Googled a tv programme from 1980s and saw a pic of a slightly different title and it had nudity so I clicked on it. Turned out some random popular German series of cinema films from 1970. Schoolgirl reports. I lost it. Now I've triggered on every minute of loads of them and related films. There's total nudity of what looks like mostly 'over 18' but there's an actress in there who was about 13 according to records. I've lost the plot. I know I don't like this age group and have struggled for over 10 years solidly with pocd but seeing the shots they all look like over 18 and so does the 13 Yr old but I can see her as 13 and then I feel nothing but protection for her. I keep re watching and researching and seeing her as young and feeling nothing then flipping in my brain and seeing her as sexual etc over and over and over. Sometimes the footage is grainy and other times not but I've spiralled so much I am near absolute bottom in less than 24 hrs. I feel so awful with guilt. It's me that's gone down this rabbit hole. Same girl is in another of the films at 15 nude also. I've flipped there too and every shot of anyone on any clip of looking at Google. It's so far off my actual preference. Do you think ocd can make you doubt self ao much yiu start thinking well maybe you do - easier to just admit it and enjoy it? I sometimes feel like that but I know in my heart that I feel nothing for underage people. I'm just so lost. The guilt is exponential as my wife has stage 4 cancer and has had for 2 years. This is so bad. I can't even stop myself. Any understanding words or hello today would be so nice. I'm not a bad person, I don't like underage people but I'm sat here saying I do and I'm a liar. Njb

KcBell92, Some great advice here, better than I can articulate. What I can offer is that the car isn't the 'issue'. It could be your lawnmower, an electric toothbrush, your hair, your nasal hair, your ear hair...you get the idea. Replace car with any theme you like and apply ocd. For you it's the car. For me it's other things. I like to think of it like this.....at the moment it's the car obsession. Probably started with 1 thing then you watered that thing and it grew roots, branches, twigs, more branches etc all representing the '...another thing' for you to ruminate over endlessly until you've so many things it must be right and you feel so anxious there must be something in it and it can't be or ain't ocd. Truth is, flip that tree and thers is still only 1 issue and it isn't the little seed of the tree ie your car, its the way ocd works. You overcome the car it'll be something else. Car could come back. Who knows. Deal with the 1 issue. If you do, please let me know as I struggle as do others and also struggle accepting its ocd. It is a tricky and sneaky thing. Hence its power. It's 1 issue. Not a million moving parts or outcomes from anything (I'm also telling myself this!) Good luck and try to go easy on yourself. You ain't alone. Njb

Hi, The feeling bad I have is because even if the people in the examples were fine with the content of the fantasies i would feel empathy and sadness as either doesn't seem healthy. I don't think that's just ocd, probably most people would think eeekkk even in context of fantasy. Not judging them, just saying I would feel sad for them regardless if they were comfortable or not. I think most people would. The victim of crime one could be more complicated in itself. Nick

Hi. Thanks for the reply. I have to admit if a friend told me those I'd be worried for them ie actual victim of crime and incest, albeit your point of fantasy is valid. I say that with pounding ocd but I reckon I'd be same without ocd. I'd find them a bit out there. I should be clearer, I just think it's a bit sad. I feel bad for people in those 2 examples even if it doesn't concern them. You make a very good and well made point in your post. Njb

The two examples you give of the bus and spanking- are they made up as examples or actually real that you know of? Sorry couldn't decide the context.

Brilliant. Absolutely right. I'm still working on achieving it mind !

Virgilocd, Good advice above. You'll be drawn in to a loop of checking. Done it so many times and I'm sure there are a lot of us. You'll be looking at licensing, where the models appear and under what titles, the comments, other sites for checking yiur checking and more. All of it is ocd. Applies to all themes. Even when you can say as much as you can the person is age appropriate legally and morally, they'll be a thought or you'll see a clip of content orbpop up which will trigger you by sight or name or anything and you'll end up searching that too. I have a golden rule just not to go there but break it on occasion all the same. Whether that's cause I'm in a better place, testing or simply reaffirming my actual orientation, or saying I shouldn't be avoiding it usually ends up triggering. I think without having ocd it would still be fairly easy to be bothered also anyway. You'll find your own way - I don't want to let ocd stop me doing things but still going on such sites is a hotbed of triggering. All about balance. I'd just not bother and almost all the time that's what I do. Njb

Sorry you're having a bad day. Hope you're feeling a little better. Trying to make sense of it is never ending. Try to distract yourself as hard as that is. Good days, bad days, whatever days, its all the same thing going on. Distract and reflect. Good luck. Njb

Emmalou1976. I'm exactly the same. As others have said they are too. Exactly same. Same thoughts, compulsions, rumination, testing etc etc. Gotta do what others and Polar say. We have to keep trying. It's all ocd.

@tryingmybest I hear you. 51 now and ocd since about 8. It'll make you believe anything. Anything. It'll feel real. All of it. It's all ocd. Venting is good. Gets you discussing it and I feel better for reading your post and the replies. That awful awful pit of depths feeling just gets me every time. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and I like the bit you said love you all. I do too. Think a lot of us feel same for each other. X

Keep going.

Agree. Help and diagnosis. In no way am I able to say if anything is ocd but I read your post and everything about it I recognised. The theme is irrelevant, it's an obsession and compulsion and anxiety. Could be about anything, truly it could. Doubting disease for a reason. If you were certain it'd be ok however there isn't any certainly. If you had footage of the evening you'd pour over it and I'm same with ocd and you'd feel better for a while then you'd start finding angles creeping in. For a start your ocd knows that seeing footage doesn't show your intentions etc and so it has more fuel to burn. It's awful I know but all bs. Hope you're doing OK.

Deffo. I'm doing it. Take care Malina.

Just kick me - whack my head with something but remind me to distract and refocus !!!!! Just wanted to say hi. Chappy place right now but hi all. Just hello and I'm thinking of you all and get it.