feeling unreal

[Guest Footprints]

I know sometimes its harder for you to hug them but you do it because you dont want them to know any different, or suffer because your problems. With those thoughts, the only thing that made a difference for me to them was seroxat, no other meds have worked so well for those thoughts. It doesnt cure my OCD but it means those thoughts are down to a radio interference at worst.

I hope he starts to get better soon!

Best of luck to both you

Lia

x

[Guest hayley73]

Thinking of you both Mel.

I sometimes wonder if we have really come that far with regards to Mental health services :dry: God knows what happens to people who have no family to care for them. In Marc's case it just seems like they are passing the buck. Tell him to hang on in there - we are all rooting for him :original: Tell Marc he will get better. I know exactly how he feels. There was a time when my OCD totally paralased me. I felt totally useless. If it hadn't been for my mum I probably wouldn't be here today.

I finally got hold of my CPN today. I have been leaving messages for 3 days. She did contact me once but I was out. She has a works mobile!!! Can she not try again? I have been told that I will be waiting a while for an appointment with the psych cause there is only one doctor. Great.

My hubby is suffering bouts of depression at the moment. He has had a letter asking if he still needs an appointment with the practice counsellor. If so please leave a message with her by the 9th of Feb - Great. Only problem is the letter was post marked the 14th and arrived today!!!!!!! Why is nothing straight forward?!!!!!!!!!

You are so strong Mel. But please take care of yourself. Is Marc's parents giving any support?

[Mel1971]

Lia

The hardest thing was a year ago the thoughts were a dull murmer in his brain, he could let them come and go without any problems, but since august/september things have been getting worse and this ended up leading to where he is at now.

its so hard to start from square one (as he sees it) again, and having to go through it all again.

thanks

melissa xx

sorry hayles i didnt see your post there!!

oh gosh, youve got your hands full with the nitwits from the mental health team too!!!!!

marcs parents are ok, his mum thinks she understands, but keeps making useful comments about marcs weight and my housekeeping skills (grating my teeth again!!) his dad doesnt want to know and thinks the psychiatrists dont know what they are talking about and that theres not much wrong with marc, hes quite cold and sticks his head in the sand a lot.

apart from that its ok, I am taking care of myself somewhat by having time to myself - i quite like being on my own - and in the evenings, marcs upstairs, lornas in bed and its quite nice snuggling on the sofa in my big red fluffy dressing gown and a vat of wine (i know the diet has gone to pot) and a huge slab of chocolate!!! Its my indulgence!!

thanks hayley

love Melissa xxxx

Edited February 16, 2007 by Guest

[Guest Footprints]

Ohh Mel, I so know how he must feel with that. I first got diagnosed when my daughter was 9 months old, and managed to be fine for 2 years. Then I came off the meds with no support last january and got progressively worse until I had the breakdown last May. I find one of the most frustrating things with OCD is the lack of control and predictability. You never know what or even who it will throw at you next. We just have to keep up fighting and not let the little imp win.

This is just a blip, he will get control again. (Ohh I just realised I made it sound like it was nothing serious offcourse it is. i hope you understood what i meant no offence meant)

x

Edited February 16, 2007 by Guest

[Mel1971]

thats one of the reasons i wouldnt give him permission to ''go'' (if you know what i mean) because it would mean that finally ocd had won and marc had lost - and i wouldnt let that happen - i cant let the little

win ever.

Melissa xx

its okay lia, it is a blip not matter how long it takes to go away, weve been told that by all the therapists etc, and you certainly couldnt offend me hunny, dont worry,

Edited February 16, 2007 by Guest

[Guest hayley73]

Oh Mel your mother in law sounds a bit like mine - no help, just makes stupid comments. She came here tonight to pick up my stepson for the weekend. The silence was deafening. I might sound harsh but I hope she felt akward. The weekend before last she accused us in her own way of putting things of smoking canabis over him!!!!!!!! She was a useless mother to my hubby and his sister. But somehow feels she can do a better job than us. If she had her way me and Adam would have never have got together. Thank God I don't have to see her that often. I am not implying mind that your mother in law is as bad as this. :original:

[Guest legend]

Must be hard times mel, where does it now go, if i could come and be with you all i would,to take all the heartache

and struggle from you both, god marc needs all the help he deserves, and so do you 2,nobody can explain what the person and families have to thru with this horrid illness, outsiders do not understand.

I think in 6 months time your life will be nearly back to normality, with the correct help, tell marc that legend and his family ae thinking of you all, good luck

[Mel1971]

hi hayley - even though i do care about her and she has recently told us that both her parents had depression (umm!!) aswell as her - i was quite pleased that marc kept on about me being his rock, and remembering when her eldest son was 5 months old and she cooked him a sausage sandwich having no idea about baby food (pureed etc) - and marc (bless - love him) flippantly said when he overheard one of her remarks about the house - 'my wife has more things to worry about than that'!! awwwww!!

legend - you are a star!! thank you so much for your lovely comments - i have been passing on comments to him, so thank you,

i know a few months down the line we will be back to how we were a year ago - but until then life is on hold (and it literally is) i cant get another job yet - we are in limbo at the moment and its a very strange feeling. we have his uncle and aunt coming over tommorrow - marc wont want to see them- so i will be mrs entertainer even though its an effort, i have to admit it is an effort to speak to people at the moment this is why the forum is great because i dont have to speak, only type!!! Thanks again legend and family!!

Melissa xxx

[Mel1971]

Hello!!!

Well we saw the psychologist on friday, (she last saw him six weeks ago) and she says he must go back to work full time asap - i told her that his work has an occupational health dept that wont let him go back full time but part time for a few weeks and work up to full time. His certificate runs on the 5th March.

this is only the third time marc has seen her, and he doesnt trust her, and she doesnt seem to know much about him - she said she expected him to be back at work by now..

me being a big mouth i did remind and ask her to check the notes from the crisis team and the psychiatrists that had been to see marc. She hadnt done that since coming off her holiday.....

She went off to her office and had a quick look and agreed that the condition had been much worse than she had thought, and that it had taken a long time for the extra medication to work - which we were told ages ago...i did remind her of this too!!

all in all i dont know what to think, to marc it seems like his fear of being an attention seeker that has nothing wrong with him, has come true - to me its like a slap in the face for everything i have tried to do and done over the past few weeks.

Over the weekend and tonight his ocd has been awful, really bad, and his anxiety has shot through the roof. Even his care co-ordinator who came today said he doesnt have a lot of time to sort himself out to be ready for work - hes only been out of the house four times since 5th January.

I told his psychologist about his asking my permission to 'go'...she asked how he was going to do it, he said the sleeping tablets (i keep all his tablets well hidden) thats why he had to ask my permission, so i would give them to him. Then she told him about all the the people she came into contact with whose parents had killed themselves, and how screwed up they were etc...made him feel more guilty and anxious...

anyway thats how things stand, and we will see how things pan out....

Melissa xxxx

Edited February 27, 2007 by Guest

[Guest hayley73]

Don't these so called professionals you off!!!!! Marc as been through hell and back - doesn't take a medical degree to understand this. Its a good job hes got you Mel. Thanks for letting us know how things are.

[Guest legend]

Oh dear the mental staff are so caring, not, marc can get himself back to work on his own accord, as you said the occupational helpers no best.

It is a marathon not a sprint, the recovery effects people in different ways, and marc has nothing to be ashamed of, lets not forget 1 in 4 people will

suffer with a mental illness in life, so when he does return to work there will probaly be people who he can confide in

At the moment we are attacking our gp with serious complaints in the way he dealt with me and my family, typical example 3 weeks ago he had on my medical screen it said"suicide attempt!!!", not at all, i had suicidal thoughts because of undiagnosed ocd, but i never tried suicide because i am stronger

and more worthy of that. This just shows what fellow sufferers like marc and many others have to tolerate and put up with.

If only there were true signs which were noticable to others, to actually recognise the horrible internal lifes we have to live with.

Marc will get better when he is ready, we cannot make it happen overnite, but with the CORRECT help it can be overcome.

God bless you all. legend xx

[Guest legend]

Curiousity question mel, what meds is marc taking at the moment?? I hope that they have changed them as you said in previous post he has been on the same meds for quite a while, i hope they have done a review. marc has the same pure o as me and i had to try several meds til i fount the right one, it is a trial and error system, but i found the most important thing was "dampening down" the anxiety first then attack the thoughts.

Sorry if i am being to deep, but anything to help!!!

[Mel1971]

Legend,

Thanks and no youre not being too deep!! Hes still on effexor/venlafaxine, but at the maximum dose - it has lightened his mood but (and this is hard to explain) it hasnt given him back his spark - hes a very funny guy, all his friends and workmates love his sense of humour etc, and he is not the same - he still cant read because his concentration is shot...hes lost his enthusiasm for life, he has christmas money and vouchers still to spend, but he doesnt want to be bothered with it - its not that hes lazy, although he thinks he is, its just that hes lost that part of him.

He has come to rely very much on me, and its going to be hard to go to work on his own, its a 30 minute drive each way, and i will be terrifed that first week, (he has driven on the wrong side of the road during a bad ocd attack on the way home several times in the past) but as his wife, its only natural that he should lean on me, and although being at home apart from school runs and food shopping has been hard for me, going to supermarkets for me has got a bit intimidating - so many people!!!....but i keep going there so that i get used to it again.

I might ring his psychologist because hes had a big panic attack tonight about it, and he thinks that she thinks that hes faking it, and hes starting to go back down again

legend - i wanted them to try a different medication weeks ago but they wouldnt, his sleeping tablets dont work and it takes him three/four hours at least to nod off (should take 20 minutes) - i dont think the anti depressants are working for him either.

hayley - thanks for your comments, i find it hard for someone whos only seen him three times and turns up (not with marcs folder which his old psych used to do) but with scraps of paper to write notes on, to pass judgement on his condition, especially since shes been off for six weeks and as i said before doesnt really know him and hasnt read his notes or the letters from the two psychiatrists that have been seeing him.

I know its good for him to get back to work etc, as long as there is no price to pay - as in a couple of weeks down the line he has a relapse or worse.........hes been suicidal many times and i was told every day not too push him too far or he would become mentally unresponsive (his brains self protection mechanism)

what do i believe now????? Or rather who do i believe now????

Melissa xxx

[Guest legend]

All i wanted to do at my worst time was sleep, i think that he needs a different medication, i tried citalpram first and it sent me over the top, but over

sufferers have coped well with it, has marc deeply discussed his thoughts with his psychs, if it helps mel i am currently taking sertraline(lustral)100mg, and i

am taking amytriptylne(25mg) at night for my migraines and i sleep like a baby!!

My new dr advised me stop taking the lustral as the thoughts are easing, but stick with the amtrip, which help the migraines,(what came 1st the ocd or

the migrines!!!!!!! cannot remember)

Thinking of you all, and you are a remarkable mother and wife XX

[Guest VerySadMom]

I hope Marc is able to go back to his job, Melissa.

His doctor doesn't sound very informed about his condition at all. That must have been terribly frustrating for him and for you.

Wishing you guys a brighter day tomorrow.

Love,

VSM

[Mel1971]

thanks vsm and legend,

i'm hoping today will be brighter, hes not awake yet,

i think i will speak to his care co-ordinator today and explain things, hes got his Occupational Health fit for work assessment tommorrow, at his place of work, so thats playing on his mind very much too.

thanks guys,

Melissa xxxx

[Mel1971]

well well well!!

His psychologist rang up today.........seems she has made a boo boo!!!!

she apologised and asked me to cancel the fit for work assessment tommorrow, and said that i should ring his doctor and get another certificate for him...seems shes finally read the notes and letters from the psychiatrists that have been coming to see marc...

and has realised that he is nowhere near returning to work, and she apologised profusely for all the stress and upset she caused him, i also told her that his impression was that she thought he was faking it, and she catergorically denied that she thought he was faking it, i also said that we have been told by numerous people to take it slow, and i used legends analogy (thanks hunny) by saying we were running a marathon and now all of sudden you want him to run the 100mtrs, whats going on??

She said she hadnt realised the extent of the illness and that just three weeks ago he couldnt move out of the bedroom, and that he was still suicidal, but she has read the crisis team notes also and realised that there is no way hes going back to work on monday.....yay!!!!

small victory for me, and marc feels as though he wasnt faking it or being attention seeking..

Its such a shame its come at this time, our daughter turns 7 on friday, and i have planned a party on saturday at a church hall, and he cant come....he just cant face it, we have explained to her, and she is fine (we think) with it......we will make it up to her at another time....i will be there worrying about marc at home and he will be upset at not going to the party......but what can we do??

Melissa xxx

[Biccy]

hi mel

blimey just goes to show how much they can learn when they get time to read all the files

why dont you have a little mini party for you marc and lorna even a breakfast party so feels part of it to hon

xx

biccy

[Guest VerySadMom]

She owed you guys an apology, Melissa. Poor Marc, thinking he had to have a test in the frame of mind he is in.

I think she should pay you back in cash for that mistake. $$$$$$

Why is it you can get a refund for anything defective that you buy, but you still pay full price for defective doctors?

[Mel1971]

thanks guys,

yes biccy, on the evening of her birthday after my family have dropped off presents (marc will be upstairs) and his mum and dad have been round, we three are going to have a tea party with a takeaway and watch a film!! Saturday is her party, so Marc will be there for her actual birthday tea, so hes happy about that.

VSM - thanks, yes it would be good if we could trade her in for a new one!!!!! unfortunately the NHS doesnt have enough to go round as it is so you get what youre given!!!!!

take care

Melissa xx

[Guest legend]

Hi mel, glad that they have realised how marcs welfare is, about bloody time!!! hopefully this will be the platform for the recovery of marc,

Perhaps now , knowing how severe the condition is they will look into changing marcs meds, obviously the current ones are not helping,push for it

because as all of us are aware, it takes time to find the correct meds, as each sufferer is different.

Good luck with the birthday party at the weekend , shame that marc wont be at the party, but at least you are still going to carry on with it, and

your daughter will be sooo happy.

thinking of you all legend x x x

[Mel1971]

thanks legend

she wont be happy with me as i havent bought her a birthday present yet!!!!!!

but its not till friday, so i have some time!!

i will chatting to the psychiatrist when we see him next, its not working properly at all.

take care

Melissa xx

[Guest sweetie]

Hi Mel

Sorry to hear that you've all been stressed out by Marc's psychologist. If only they would read notes before making comments or taking action. But glad to hear that the psychologist has admitted to this and said sorry. That's something anyway.

Hope your littlun's party goes well. I've booked little Sweetie's party at the local community centre and a disco. She's very excited about it.

Thinking of you all.

Take care.

xxxx

[Mel1971]

hi sweetie

thanks for replying, hope cute little sweeties party goes off really well, its surprising isnt it how quick the years go by, having her in hospital as a new born seems not that long ago!!!

Well i am off into town to buy Bratz etc for tommorrow and party stuff aswell

marc and i were supposed to go on a stress management course run by a psychologist, but he woke up this morning really upset and said he couldnt do it - i tried encouraging him gently but he was so upset, he feels like a failure..hes gone back to sleep now - didnt sleep hardly last night.

anyway, take care

Melissa xxxx

[Mel1971]

Well hello,

update : Marc has been outside for some tests - he is very overweight and has now been tested for diabetes - which has been confirmed so he has to be on a very strict diet to help his diabetes

my dad has the more serious type so i know all about it, grown up with it.

hes depressed that he cant eat the foods he likes but hes been having some brighter days, and able to go to the doctors etc, in the car, but cant walk up the road...

apart from that hes ok,

take care

Melissa xxx