Bad Day

[Guest PrincessJenna]

I hope this does not upset anyone

Today is looking to be a very bad day. My boyfriend ( I hate using that word-- but partner makes people think he is a woman and I do not like confusing people--but he is more than my boyfriend we live together but are just not married-- ok I will stop rambling) he left on a cross country flight this morning. I am panicking that his plane will crash. It does not stop there I have to think and plan out every possible worst case scenario. What if his plane does crash? Will anyone call me? What does the airport do? What if I can not get news? What type of funeral would he want? Because we are not married would I have any say? It keeps going to what would I do with our apartment? our car? both of which he is the technical owner of.

I am sure this all just sounds silly and like everyday worry but I can not stop thinking it. I get the awful images in my head and they won't stop. I get this horrible feeling in my heart.

I keep feeling as though I am a freak. That I am the only person that worries like this. I mean the list is endless about the worries I have when he is away. Am I just paranoid? or is it in fact really my OCD?

I am aware of the things I do now. They are so dumb. I have to make sure that I say "When you get in the plane"(because most people say get on a plane) Like he would somehow not realize that he should be inside! I have to make sure I say "Fly safe" at least 3 times but not more than my unlucky number which I will not type because, well, it is unlucky. Now I am worried that I may have said it that many times. I have to tell him "Tell the pilot I said be careful"

Again these may all sound silly but I realized today that I HAVE to say them. If I don't I get that terrible feeling inside that something will happen. And the worst part is... even if I do say them, I wonder if I did it right? Or if I said them all? I really will not feel better until he is home on Sunday night.

I am feeling crazy right now. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until he is home. Just so I do not have to feel this way. I made plans with a friend to stay with her tonight, Which I am now thinking is a big mistake because then I will not be home. But... on top of it all I have to get blood work tomorrow morning that requires me to take a pill the night before... and I HATE taking medications. I am terrified of them. Well I will not go into that list of fears as well. So I made this plan so I would not be alone when I had to take the pill. But now I do not want to do it at all. I just want to stay home and safe.

I am so sorry to ramble so much but I had to get it out. So when I see everyone else in my life I will not look like so much of a maniac. I just do not want to be like this anymore.

Im sorry again. To anyone who actually got through reading this. I will try to be more brief and just say... I have simply gone whacko.

[Caramoole]

Hi Princess Jenna

Rest assured you haven't gone Whacko, you're suffering anxiety with OCD ruminations.

All of your fears are 'What If' fears and ultimately, 'What if anything happened and I was all alone, how would I cope then' I think fear of complete abandonment are some of the strongest, especially where you do have an anxiety condition and rely heavily on someone for support. Done that, been there and still do ocassionally.

I just do not want to be like this anymore

This is where you need to take a huge leap of faith, trust in yourself and know that if you don't want to be like this anymore you have to make changes. I know that's a scary thought but the truth is it's a lot less scary than remaining locked into your current fear by carrying out these rituals.

I did use to do this, not in such a set pattern as such (i,e number of times or order) but I did go through the question asking/statement, reassurance thing. It's only in fairly recent times that I was even aware that this was a problem and was something I did.

This is where the opposite is actually true, the reassurance is not reassuring you at all, it is that (amongst other things) that is keeping you in an anxious state. It perpetuates the situation and actually makes it worse.

Now you know at some level (unless you have a special power that I don't) that your mind, your thoughts cannot influence external events, you cannot make a plane crash or someone to get hurt either by thinking, not thinking or saying something in a particular way, that's a fact. This is something you need to believe, no-one can get hurt because of something you did or didn't do.

The good news is (in my experience) that stopping asking for reassurance is nowhere near as hard as you imagine, in fact of all the OCD traits, I found this the least difficult to overcome once I realised I was actually doing this. I just stopped asking and bit my tongue. Much of it had almost become habitual, in a given set of circumstances I'd ask a certain question.

Try it and see what happens. Make a conscious decision to look for that question popping into your head and then bite your tongue (not literally :omg: ). Don't ask the question, or make the statement. If you must, once you realise you're about to ask, wait....delay asking for as long as you can.

I wish I could tell you an easy way, because this probably isn't good news to you, but this is one of the things that is keeping you in bad days. Make some little changes Princess and share them with us.

Caramoole

[Guest PrincessJenna]

Caramoole~

Thank you for your insightful reply. This is all still so new for me. For years I was told by my old therapist that if something made my panic go away then it was a good thing. Little did I know that I was creating complusions, that would in the end serve to only make things worse. Maybe had I told her the whole truth this all would have been better years ago. Hindsight is always 20/20

It has been about three weeks now since my new clinician, who I DID tell the whole awful truth, gave me a complete and correct diagnosis. I have been trying to take this new way of thinking and working with what I now know is OCD. I have done very well some days (some of the best I have had in months) and then today was a bad one.

Part of my problem is I am still identifying what are compulsions and what are quirks in my personality. Day by day more and more knowledge. I just could not hold it in this morning. I could not let go. But I did better tonight. And I am sure as I gather all the tools I need to whip this thing it will get easier.

I guess this morning I needed to vent. To get it out in the open instead of holding it all inside. I felt remarkably better. I could read it over and see how silly it was. I KNOW that I am not going to make a plane crash. I KNOW that no matter what silly dances or sayings or numbers I use the universe is going to continue to work in its own crazy way. This morning I was weak. It is his first trip since this all began and it seemed a bit tougher than I expected. It was also a relief to have somewhere to spill it all out where people would know what I was feeling. Know how hard I was fighting. To for once not be alone in this.

But again I ramble, it is the writer in me I guess.

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply.

~pj

[Caramoole]

Hi Jenna

Glad you felt better as the day went on.

It may all be silly but it's still painful, isn't it?

Glad to hear your getting to grips with it though and are making progress.

Take Care & Onward and Upwards

Caramoole