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Ocd internet addiction is going to kill me

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I’ve mentioned in a previous thread I have sexuality doubts and from about the age of 16 I’ve been using internet porn and chat rooms. I can’t remember how it started but I’ve done it for 20 years now, don’t think I’ve ever gone more than 2 weeks without it and always find a way to get back to it. I am crippled by it but feel no way to get away from i am married but my wife goes to bed early so I’m now in a pattern of going on when she goes to bed and spending up to 7 hours on there. I wake up each morning exhausted telling myself I’ll never do it again but as the day goes on i start to think maybe one more time. Then by the end of the day I know I’m going to do it and I’m just waiting for her to go to bed

i think this pattern has now impacted my health badly since I lose so much sleep. And yet I still can’t stop. It involves sharing porn images with other men and then masturbating with them with the suggestion of it being gay. At the time I am aroused but afterward I hate myself I can’t understand why I do it. I always say I’m 18 even though I’m not and I think there’s something about me wanting to be abused or taken advantage of as though I’m still a child myself. My therapist thinks I use it as an escape from anxiety but that it’s also become a habit or addiction. It then makes me doubt my sexuality and sends me into a spiral of doubt and I have to email my therapist who has now decided to stop seeing me

i just wanted to post as I know it’s going to happen again tonight and I just want to sleep and feel fresh and healthy again. I want early nights and feeing like I’m ready to go in the morning, not dragging myself to work having not done my hair or even bothered how I dress

its going to kill me, either I’ll fall asleep on the road one day or I’ll develop an illness because  of my lack of sleep, I don’t know how I survived this long when some nights now I don’t go to bed until 4 and I’m back

up at 7. Thanks for reading if anyone can offer support please please do 


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Hey there,

I can't believe it's a couple of months since we last chatted, where did that time go:(.  

You're absolutely right, you can't keep going on like this with only a couple of hours of sleep, at some point something's going to give. You've said by the end of the day you know you're going to do it again and it will happen again tonight as though it's a foregone conclusion, it really isn't....it may not feel like you have a choice, but you honestly do.

I'm not underestimating how blimmin' difficult it is, but you can take full ownership of what you're doing and refuse to go on to the net this evening looking at porn and chatting with other guys, and do the same tomorrow evening and for the rest of the month, and so on, until you've recovered. 

Like depression, an addiction can hoodwink people into believing they're powerless, when they're anything but....you're strong enough to do this Time. I don't want to sound like the prophet of doom, but this isn't going to spontaneously sort itself out for you, only you can tap into your strength and find the willpower this evening to say you to yourself I'm not doing this again, my life is worth and has more value than this..... I want, and deserve to enjoy it fully tomorrow by feeling refreshed from having a good night's rest.

This is going to take long term commitment to begin to really feel the benefits, and you don't need me to tell you it's probably not going to be easy, but you can do it:) Don't look too far ahead questioning how you'll do it.....take it day by day and at some point you'll notice the urge to look at the porn will have faded and you'll be rid of this hefty monkey off your back.



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You need to change your evening routine that keeps you structured and getting into bed. It will be hard but it’s the only way. 

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Hal thanks for the reply, sorry it’s late. I knew you’d replied but decided not to read it until I felt more in control, as if I didn’t want to read it because I wasn’t ready to give up!

and cookimonstet I agree I need a plan/structure, that’s actually the advice I was given by a therapist

My problem is not knowing if it’s ocd or not? Then anxiety, then I just want the enjoyment/relief of the porn but then it’s coupled with guilt and worry about my sexuality after

i guess I’m worried that I won’t stop because I’ll miss it too much and realise my life is boring without it and maybe it’s what I wanted after all?

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Give us a chance:) I don't know if you'll agree with this, but to me your main priority in the short term has to be addressing your sleeping pattern.

You're shattered and still managing to hold down a job, you're not going to have much left over in the tank to tackle what you're going through with the addiction and OCD.

If it's too much at the moment to steer away from the porn and chat completely, maybe you could limit how much time you spend each evening to an hour, two at most? It's not ideal, but at least you'd get some more rest.

Once you're feeling on more of an even keel, how would you feel about then finding an online support group for people with porn addictions? I really think it would help to speak to someone whose been where you are now, knows how difficult it is, and will be able to bolster and motivate you when you the going gets tough and you want to give in accessing the porn/chat.

Hand in hand with that, how about having a word with your GP for treatment for the OCD, possibly the addiction issues too. I know you're not keen on that idea, but this is having such a impact on you, that I think you do need to seriously consider it.

Bear in mind though, the treatment probably won't be any different to what you've already received. This touches on my main worry Time, you've said a couple of times your therapists have suggested what we've also recommended, but are you actually putting into practice what they've advised for longer than a couple of weeks?

To stand a chance of beating this, you need to be looking at trying to extend that. Look at it like a diet, if someone gives in and eats a doughnut one day it doesn't follow they have to do the same again the next, all isn't lost by that one setback. If you fall back into old ways with the net one evening, make a firm stand you won't do the same again the next and gradually you'll make more progress.

As we've also spoken about before, mixing things up in terms of your free time is ultimately what's going to make the most difference. You need to fill the time you'd otherwise be on the net with other activities to stand any chance of breaking the cycle/habit you're in.

Why not give it a go, put the worries around whether life will be boring to one side and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

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Hi TimeToStop,

I've struggled with similar things to you over the years - I also have OCD and have had problems with excessive usage of internet porn and chatrooms.
You've recognised it's a problem, and that's the first thing. It took me ages to recognise/accept that I have an addiction, as that's such a loaded word.
My one piece of advice would be: don't tell yourself that you're going to stop doing this thing immediately. I used to try going 'cold turkey', and that never worked. It just makes the pull even stronger.
Instead, I suggest taking it day by day. When you get the urge in the evening to go online, take a step back and think - do I really need to log on? Is there something else I could do instead that's not going to make me feel so sh*tty afterwards? Could I do some reading around OCD? Could I look after myself and get an early night? And if you do decide to do that, congratulate yourself and feel proud.
You say you're in the habit of masturbating when you go online... so why not try to enjoy masturbating by yourself. I recognise that this in itself can become a habit, but it's healthier than going online for hours, and you might also find that the urge to go online diminishes afterwards.
And if you do go on the chatrooms, don't beat yourself up. Recognise that this is a long journey. You're going to slip up - that's the nature of it. That's just part of being human. OCD is a terrible thing to deal with, and the only way to beat it is with a lot of self-love and compassion.
I'm still on the journey myself, but this is the advice I'd give based on what I've experienced so far - hope it's helpful.


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Thank you so much for all of this, I notice thought that I use this as reassurance I’m a way, I come on and read the replies and feel better for short while but after nothing changes.

it may not be the right place to ask but i wondered if anyone might have a way of “diffusing” a sexual thought of arises to stop it gaining pace throughout the day to wear my use becomes inevitable by evening? Triggers such as seeing a nice girl while we are out shopping etc tend to start it then it gets stronger and stronger 

I also wanted to say that one of the reasons I don’t tend to try to stop as much as I should is because the internet is probably the only place I’m happy and have no worries, when I think about giving that up it scares me as I have nothing without it?

finally there’s definitely something about me seeing sex as power, a girl having choosing who she does such an intimate thing with, an arrogant man being able to have any girl he wants. There’s an abuse aspect as well, not in an illegal sense but taking advantage of a younger person, someone vulnerable etc. I just can’t get my head around sex, it’s like this thing that is so intimate but I can never work it out, who gets to do with who etc 

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On 23/09/2018 at 14:34, TimeToStop said:

I notice thought that I use this as reassurance I’m a way, I come on and read the replies and feel better for short while but after nothing changes.

That's a really important realisation there, but keep your eye on the long term and how you want to feel in the future.

If you can make changes now, however small they might seem, you stand every chance of hitting your goal.

You can't avoid seeing attractive women, but maybe once you've recognised the thought/urge, you could work at refocusing throughout the day? 

On 23/09/2018 at 14:34, TimeToStop said:

I also wanted to say that one of the reasons I don’t tend to try to stop as much as I should is because the internet is probably the only place I’m happy and have no worries, when I think about giving that up it scares me as I have nothing without it?

But are you really happy, sometimes you sound driven to desperation by this.

No one's saying you need never go on the Internet again, but why not try an experiment for the next month or so?

I know it's scary, but how about taking a leap? Why not explore doing something new to do in your free time. It could be socialising down the local, taking up a new sport, an adult education class at the local college, anything that's going to give you a chance to step outside your regular routine and gain a fresh perspective on your life.

This really is doable Time, take that leap:)

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Thanks Hal I’m going to post a new topic shortly on a different matter but just wanted to say I’ve been doing well lately. Going the gym and sleeping has made me feel a lot better. Unfortunately I have physical problems which I’m worried might get me down too much to maintain this but that’s for the other thread. Thanks for your help with this 

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