So upset with myself please read

[angels]

Going on a hen tomorrow with cousins my anxiety levels are well and truly up. I have had OCD from the last time we where out together and I had a row with one of them my hubby picked me up and I was crying as one had got agressive with. My OCD theme had changed to was I weak or strong could I protect myself if I was in a physical fight etc etc what does me being fearful mean about me.being able to feel strong enough to take care of myself is important to me as having confidence and assertive this is OCD fueled. I am so embarrassed I have talked to my mum brother dad and husband and confessed my fears seeked reassurance and it's made me feel worse. I can't seem to switch it off and I feel ashamed to have showed weakness by admitting my fears which I feel maybe OCD related. I do not want to feel fear I want to feel strong in myself no body got what I said they thought I wanted to be agressive when I said I don't want to fight with anyone but I wanted to know I'd have the strength and courage to take a stand for myself and these thought where making me feel weak I feel so anxious and embarrassed I am so tired of feeling afraid of things it switches from one fear to the next i get on top of one ..my theme of OCD is all to with am I confident I am assertive am I able to stand up for myself as all these things are important to me and then OCD gets triggered by situations like these I have doing a lot of work to make myself feel confident etc  Need help here to calm myself down. I am so upset I have spoke about these things plus I've made my cousins look bad by talking about her behaviour need help go get on track.told my husband how I was feeling and he feeds it by going into safety behaviours if trouble breaks out I tell him I think my OCD is playing on this and he brings up I read your ocd diary years before I know the way your mind works. This makes me feel worse as I know there was some crazy stuff in there I got rid of it years ago I don't even dare to ask him what he read one I am angry he did it and two ocd fears are not real and he said it disgusted him. I think he feeds on my fears also because he knows I love a laugh and it's his way of making sure I behave. So sorry OCD fuelled post also I was reassurance seeking and bringing the subject up to anyone who would listen