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ERP thoughts

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Hi, long time no see!

I don't know if any of you remember me from some posts in the past. They were all about my fear of diseases.
Finally, around the end of january, i decided to seek out professional therapist. My therapist is specialised in OCD and ERP. She is so supportive and skillful. Unlike my former therapist, who only cared about money and did nothing but talk therapy. She is gradually making me expose mentally to my Pure O thoughts. 
From the 2nd session forward, I practise ERP. 12 minutes for each thought. I am worried I am not doing it right, as sometimes I get distracted and I can't keep focusing on the exposure. Recently, I realised that I don't actually fear the disease so much (HIV, for example), but what could happen to me after having sex. Last time I had sex in 2015, I didn't sleep for a month, barely ate and stuff. I was depressed, and all because of sex. I thought of commencing PreP to be extra sure that I never contract it, yet I feel like this is a compulsion and that I'll become infected no matter what I do to precent it. I accept the risk, it's just that I don't want my OCD to drag me into a spiral of anxiety.
In short, I fear more the fear than having the thing that scares me. Same for rabies. I feel super frustrated because I've always loved to travel and, since I became obsessed with this disease, I've canceled trips and so on. For example, I want to go to USA, but there are way too many rabid animals there. I know I won't ever be able to handle the anxiety. If I walk down the streets and I see an animal, I panick, and many thought come to my mind "what if I was bitten or hurt?"
I try to leave that kind of thoughts unanswered, but man, I react with fear. Automatically, I ruminate, but I am able to cut down compulsions as soon as I become aware that I'm having them.
I could go on and on reflecting on the bad side of my recovery. However, I must say that I've improved a lot ever since I started in January. 
If you want to share your thoughts about OCD recovery, or if you feel related to my post, please leave a coment down below☺


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On ‎12‎/‎03‎/‎2019 at 08:43, PAVLIS97 said:

In short, I fear more the fear than having the thing that scares me

yes i can sure relate to that! I think it's a huge part of OCD. When we resort to compulsions or avoidance, we  give the ocd power and if we see that we become trapped in compulsions, or sink into a state of depression or fear after facing a trigger, we come to fear that reaction as much or more than the feared outcome!

that's the beauty of the hierarchy of exposures I guess--we see little by little that we can face triggers, experience anxiety, and come out of it. but that's why we need to do it a little at a time--otherwise we might get too overwhelmed.

It's nice to hear that you are doing so well with your therapy. Great that you found a therapist you like!

Wishing you continued recovery.



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