Compulsive thoughts and feelings, oh boy!

[Cub]

Hello everyone

Greetings once again from the merry compulsive prayer-maker of OCD Airways. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for the support given over the last few weeks. I had my birthday over the weekend and got a lot of chocolate (like, a lot, prepare to judge me) but on the other hand, I've been making improvements to my physical health. My anxiety is inevitably linked with diet and I haven't had fast food for a month! It feels like it's made a difference to my body and mood, so that's something. 

Anyway, let us cut to the chase. I can't recall if I've mentioned this before, so apologies if I'm repeating myself. I'm praying compulsively a lot right now and dealing with feelings of shame over different things; dealing with 'bad thoughts' and whatnot (although to be fair, I think my period's due; it would explain the crankiness and the mood-swings); I can't seem to deal with 'bad images' as well as before and feel I need to answer for them somehow, even though I know God knows what I mean. 

Other things that have been bothering me are real-life issues; again, prepare to judge. The first issue is me worrying I'm not being kind enough; there's a young girl at my workplace with a signficant disability that can impact on her day-to-day work performance and I've been feeling terrible because for some reason, she annoys me. I don't know why. I actually brought this up with my therapist last year; she advised me not to give out mixed messages. All I can say is that I feel irritated by this girl and was worried I was being prejudiced because of her disability, which made me feel terrible and I ended up repeatedly compulsively praying to be 'nicer' and 'better' and 'kinder' - but every time I interacted with her there was no improvement in my own feelings, which in turn led to more praying. I dunno - I guess praying gives me a sense of control, like I'm doing something about it, like I'm acknowledging what I perceive to be my faults and trying to improve. A little like hurting yourself as a punishment, I guess. It's been bothering me for weeks; it reached a head following a friend's birthday drinks last week to which this girl was invited - I thought 'oh no,' when I found out she was going to be there and although I did my best to be friendly and polite, found myself reaching a personal limit after a while and tried to minimise my interaction with her, growing irritated when she invited herself into my private conversation/catch-up with a friend whom I hadn't seen for weeks and being a bit too close physically. I know, I sound absolutely terrible and it's been making me feel really bad and going around in circles in my head.

Then there are smaller things. I love online fandom life; Twitter, Tumblr, all that sort of thing and I love to write fanfiction. Recently, the net's gone crazy for the show Good Omens, which is based on the book by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I found the book hard to read due to the references to Satanism (Good Omens is a satirical look at the battle between Heaven and Hell to bring about the end of the world) but I loved the show on Amazon Prime and it's made me really happy; my happy place! But I don't know how much I'm allowed to enjoy it because of the key relationship between the two main protoganists, Aziraphale, an angel, and Crowley, a demon; they are basically portrayed as husbands, pretty much confirmed to be a couple and people love to write and draw them together. I'd really like to join in but don't know if it's 'allowed' simply because of Crowley being a demon/fallen and feeling a little uncomfortable; I wondered if I was committing some sort of sin. I know Good Omens isn't to be taken seriously and I'm learning not to be so rigid as it's just a show, just a story and just a bit of fun but again: compulsive praying. OCD has pressed down on my fandom life for long enough and I want to have some fun and enjoy myself; I'm learning not to take things so seriously generally.

At the same time though, I find myself worried I'm becoming a 'bad person' and that I don't have any of the conscience or any of the limits from before; I find myself desperately praying to God to make me 'good' and again it's been happening a lot because I'm worried about becoming 'bad.' I know, there's no definition of 'good' and 'bad'; I guess I've just been thinking in shades of black and white for so long and now I'm getting older, I'm thinking, 'Eh...' and not taking things so seriously? But I do want to have my own limits to live by; just without being repressive. 

Anyway, just wanted to get all that out and seek some advice and comfort. I really don't know how well I'm doing at the moment and if I'm ever going to get a handle on this thing again.

Thanks for reading,

C x

[Carooba Manooba]

Hi. I used to suffer with all sorts of God, scrupulosity and guilt related obsessive compulsive behaviour.

Years ago I bought a book called "Can Christianity Cure Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?"  by psychciatrist Ian Osborn.  Basically the technique he suggested was to transfer the responsibility of your concerns to God.  So for example you would be like "I might have upset so and so............... I'll let God take responsibility for sorting that out."   It prevents you from trying to take on all the weight of your worries.

But my over heightened mind would then start looking for a loophole. And so I would question whether there is actually a God to transfer it to.  So that technique didn't really work completely as I had hoped for as  I started doubting the existence of God.  I believed in God and still do. But back then I wanted absolute 100% certainty and proof of God. That is impossible. We can believe to the max, but no one on the planet can know 100%.   So I found - like all the other themes I worried about - that I had to accept the possibility of my fears. And that in this case  that I could be wrong about there being a God.   I believed in God. But say I believed 99% in God, my over heightened mind would focus on the 1% which is impossible to prove or make up to 100%. 

Accepting the possibility of ones fears is horrible and you'll feel massive discomfort.  But the more discomfort you can tolerate, the more you will recover.  I came out of it still believing in God and not worried about all the things I did.  You get clarity when you recover to see things how they are/how you believe.  But I found - and like is suggested below -  you have to go through rain to get to the rainbow.

 

The following 2 articles from psychologist Steven Phillipson helped me;

"God Forbid ": https://www.ocdonline.com/god-forbid

"Guilt Beyond a Reasonable Doubt" : https://www.ocdonline.com/guilt-beyond-reasonable-doubt