Obsession in control

[Stevietam]

I wonder if anyone can help.

I am not a technical person in this field.  I am looking for comments and advice. 

I read an article in Sunday Times about 20 years ago.  It described a symptom of a mother who was obsessed in caring her children.  Her children were normal.  But she created many issues psychologically that there were problems with the children.  In summary, she created a problem so that she could protect her children eg. food allergy, various illness etc.

The reason why I raise this issue is because my sister in law is , in my view, suffering this type of obsession.   She has got two PhD's in Physics and Nutrition at UK top universities.  She is certainly very clever academically. Her only job in the industry  was a short spell in engineering research.  She became full time housewife soon after birth of her first baby.   It was evident that she wanted to ensure perfect environment for her children.  This is again normal expectation from parents, I suppose.

As expected, her children have been overprotected since birth.  In a way, it is rather normal for a lot of mother.  However, she reckoned that her children were allergic to certain food eg gluten, egg, dairy etc.  She did not allowed them to eat those food.  Also they were given plenty of supplements ensuring they get the right nutrients.  Again this may not be the main problem.  She even told her doctor that her son was autistic - slightly. 

She did not allowed her children to attend any funeral even the very closed family funerals. eg her parents and sister etc.  Her reason was - she did not want her children to be upset.

She also control their routines in their daily life.  One can argue that it is normal for parent to organise outside school activities for the kids.   The main difference is that in her case, she would control everything. Bed time was strict even in holiday time.   When her children were playing board games with other kids, she would interfere to make sure that her children would not be defeated,

As her kids were growing up, she wanted to move house so that she would be closer to her children.

To cut the long story short, her control obsession has given problem to one of her sons.  He is basically also clever eg he could read instruction manual when he was less than 3 years' old, Because he has been over-protected in a bubble. He is now suffering many psychological issues when facing the real world. 

He went to university two years ago, The first year was fine because he was staying in the hall of residence. He was very frequently visited by his mum.

The problem started in the second year when he was sharing a house with other students.  She laid down various ground rules for all house mates eg recycle bin, cleaning rota etc.  Naturally students are rebellion by nature.  It means all rules were out of the window.  It also means that her son was under tremendous pressure from both sides.  In the end,  she decided to take her out of the university because she reckoned it was too much pressure for him to handle.

Now he is staying at home and it is driving him into depression.   It is rather sad.  In my view, the main problem is the mother who is extremely reluctant to accept any advice. because she knows that she is academically brilliant. It means she can always find a solution through her research for any issues she may have.  But applying a theory on a human being is not as straight forward as it sounds. There are plenty human factors as well.

In summary, my sister in law's behaviour is exactly what was described in the article in the Sunday Times 20 years ago.  I wonder anyone has the experience in this area.  I would love to hear from them for their experience and advice. 

Thanks a lot for reading 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[dksea]

Hi @Stevietam, I am sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in.  Unfortunately it sounds very similar to the situation of my aunt and cousins (her children).  Although I am the only member of my family that is diagnosed (that I know of), it became obvious to me from observation over the years that most of my fathers side of the family seems to be experiencing some levels of anxiety disorders too, especially this aunt.  She exhibited many of the same behaviors you describe, being very overprotective of her children, including what foods they ate, what activities they could do, etc.  When her daughter (the younger of the two children) attended community college (2 year degree program) she attended all classes with her.  Adding to the difficulty is that she and her family belonged to a very conservative church in her area, a very cultish one in fact, for some time, so unlike your sister her justification isn't education, its religion, but the same refusal to accept evidence, etc. seems to be at play.  Its possible that OCD is a factor that is at work, although other conditions might be at play as well.  

Sadly I am not sure I can offer much useful advice in this situation, I was not old enough to be able to do anything when we were still in contact with these family members (not surprisingly there have been multiple schisms in that side of the family over the years.  For example I finally cut off contact with my cousin, her son, after he compared me to Hitler).  Further,  it can be difficult to prove harm enough to get the authorities to step in, even if common sense says the parents behavior is not good to you or me.  I'm not sure what the laws and provisions are in the UK, but if you have a suspicions of any truly dangerous or harmful behavior you might be able to report it to the authorities, perhaps even anonymously, but I think it would need to be more than just "overprotective and controlling" sadly.  If the mother/your sister-in-law is unwilling to accept that she has a problem, there is little you can do for her.  That also holds true for her children, unless they are willing to step away it may be difficult to do anything. It may be that the best you can do is offer support and kindness to the children, demonstrating to them that you are someone they can turn to, and perhaps help if they do decide to try and separate themselves from their mother.  Of course this runs the risk of alienating yourself from the parents and potentially other family members depending on how they perceive the situation so I would say proceed with caution if you decide to intervene.

I wish I had better advice or a happy ending to share, but I at least wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I don't know how much help an OCD support group can be, this situation sounds. more complicated than many, but maybe others will have a better idea of what your options are in the UK than I do.  You sound like a kind and caring person, so at least your nieces and nephews have that positive aspect in their lives.  Be the best person you can, hopefully that will help.

[Stevietam]

Thanks for your comment dksea

It is really sad to see so much talent wasted in this way.   People should realise that we do not live in a perfect world. Protecting the young, old and vulnerable is fine.   But one has to be prepared to look after themselves - this is the best way.  Parents do not live forever.  The best thing they can give to their children is to ensure that the young generation is independent and well prepared for the real world which may be hostile and dangerous.  But this is fact of life. Be happy, healthy and contented.

Thanks again for sharing.