Was doing better ...

[californiadreaming]

Hi all, hope everyone is staying safe!

I was doing better for a while, but I seem to be caught up again.

I have been asking companies for my data and old accounts to see if location data shows me at my ex’s house in the middle of the night. I’m trying so hard to stop asking, but I feel like I’m lying to myself and letting myself off the hook if I don’t ask.

[californiadreaming]

I'm ruminating on a day where I went to a hockey game with friends and this ex. We got home late and I remember falling asleep in the car. 

I'm pretty sure he dropped me back off at our office so I could drive home myself. I'm worried that he didn't and I actually spent the night at his place? Another possibility is he dropped me off at home and we carpooled in the morning. I'm not sure, but I'm so afraid I did something bad and want to check my data on this date. 

[snowbear]

Hi californiadreaming.  What is it you're expecting us to say? You already know how this works - ruminating makes it worse not better and no amount of ruminating will 'solve' the problem or give you certainty. 

Whether or not you did something you regard as bad, this episode is now in the past and doesn't deserve the importance you're giving it. Time to let it go and move on. 

[californiadreaming]

I feel like my new marriage is a lie, though.

[californiadreaming]

And I feel like it is important. If my husband found out I cheated, he’d leave me for sure and I love him so much. So saying “it’s not important because it’s in the past” is a cop out to me.

[BM94]

16 hours ago, californiadreaming said:

And I feel like it is important. If my husband found out I cheated, he’d leave me for sure and I love him so much. So saying “it’s not important because it’s in the past” is a cop out to me

Hey sorry to hear you're still struggling.

Snowbear is right though, whilst it might seem important that you look into it, it's one of those nasty games OCD likes to play.

When you're saying a lot of "ifs", when it comes to OCD you better get ready for a lot more of them, because OCD will never allow you to be satisfied and totally certain and you will go round and round on this carousel - and after all that you'll continue to go round some more.

Saying to OCD that you refuse to play its games is not a cop out, it's a position of strength. You're taking away its power that way.

Bottom line of it is this: By looking at data and old accounts to see if you've been to your ex etc, is a major compulsion and if you dont stop this you will never break out of the vicious cycle.

The more you do it the more you'll start ruminating on past events and cause yourself further doubt and panic. You need to cease and desist. It's the only way. It will be hard as hell at first but it gets better.

Chin up

[snowbear]

On 30/04/2020 at 15:21, californiadreaming said:

 I feel like it is important. Saying “it’s not important because it’s in the past” is a cop out to me.

I hear you. Of course it feels important. That's why you're suffering and struggling to let it go. But allow me to change one word in your sentence.

Saying “it’s not important because it’s in the past” feels like a cop out to me.

Doesn't mean it is a cop out, just that it feels like it. 

This is where you have to accept that feelings aren't always a reflection of the truth. Just because something feels a certain way doesn't mean it is that way.

On 30/04/2020 at 15:21, californiadreaming said:

 If my husband found out I cheated, he’d leave me for sure and I love him so much. 

Let's deal with facts here, not feelings. 

There's no guarantee your husband would leave you - you just fear (have a feeling) that he would. 

There's no evidence you cheated - you just fear that you might have (because of the dire consequences you've assigned to it being true.)

On 29/04/2020 at 23:40, californiadreaming said:

I feel like my new marriage is a lie, though.

Again a feeling, not a fact. It's because you value your marriage so much that these fearful feelings have arisen in the first place. Because you don't want to lose something good you're listening to every fearful thought and feeling as if it was the truth instead of just what you're afraid of happening. 

It's not a cop out to let this go. In fact, hanging onto the fear 'just in case there's some truth in it' is the real cop out.  

[californiadreaming]

You’re right. Even my husband is sick of it, lol. He’s like “look, it’s not even something you need to look into. We’re married now and that was years ago.”

however, I’m still doing compulsions here and there. Gotta cut it out.

[BM94]

4 hours ago, californiadreaming said:

however, I’m still doing compulsions here and there. Gotta cut it out

Yes absolutely right!

Once you're not actively engaging in compulsions you'll start to see your anxiety levels reduce. Persevere with it.

Keep going, looking forward to hearing a positive progress report soon!