OCD / Hyperfocus / Coercive behaviour

[tim stevens]

This is my first post. I need to share before the situation beats me. Can someone please guide me to where I can get some help

My wife of many years has some issues. I have researched the best I can. I believe it to be OCD and she also suffers with hyperfocus and I think her behavior is coercive. She certainly makes me feel completely worthless all of the time. I could write many pages on her behaviour but maybe I will just give a few examples. The kitchen is a good start. So her OCD is her approach to cleanliness and in recent times, contamination. All our doors have small towels / flannels tied to the handles so fingerprints aren’t left. She takes several hours cleaning each morning and re-cleans after any work is done in the kitchen. Making a cup of tea will involve a 30 minute clean afterwards, and after a meal maybe a one or 2 hour clean. All the worktops are covered in boards and cloths. The splashbacks also have extra layers of protection. I am not allowed to wash up or even make tea. I haven’t cooked anything for some years. I am told not to enter the kitchen as “I make a mess”. I am not allowed to make my own tea and have to wait to have one made for me. I often wait several hours. She wont cook a meal that involves too many pots and pans. Instead she uses one pan, washing it up between each ingredient. So a meal with 3 vegetables will have them cooked in one pan, one after the other. Food is cooked at low temperature so there are no splashes. Everything has to be washed up before we eat. The result is a simple meal that has taken 2 or 3 hours to cook which has gone cold before it is put on the table. I could tell similar stories about her behavior in the house. For example we have a second bathroom that I have not even entered for many years. This is my home too!

Her hyperfocus overlaps the OCD. I think that my story above about the vegetables is a good example. She appears unable to do more than one thing at a time. Its more noticeable in conversations or when watching TV. I may say something. She will concentrate on one aspect of what I (and other people) have said and completely ignore what else I have said. This of course means that I have said something and she completely denies that I have. She often suggests that I have dementia because I say I said something when I haven’t. 

Her behaviour may be considered coercive, I’m not sure. Again I have many examples. She tells me what to wear, or to eat, when to watch TV, when I can go out, where I go, who I see. She constantly criticises what I do or say. She decides absolutely everything we do and has absolutely no respect for me, my feelings or my actions. If I do manage to do something in the house then it is always wrong. Every day I clean the shower, and everyday she cleans it after me telling me where I went wrong. When I tell her that she may as well do it herself I am accused of being lazy. I would estimate that she makes me feel worthless several hundred times a day. If I say the ceiling is white she will argue that it’s black.

I have tried very hard many times to discuss this with my wife. The discussions never end well, often with her not speaking to me for several weeks afterwards. She completely disagrees that she has issues. She refuses further discussion and refuses any suggestions of therapy or medical assistance. Comments such as “if you want to live in a **** hole then fine, we will”, or she blames me of controlling her if I dare suggest something. I’m now at the point that I’m frightened to speak as it will cause a row. Of course if I don’t speak then I am “in a bad mood”

We’ve been together a very long time and I don’t want to, and cant afford to leave. Her recent arthritis diagnosis will bring new issues. I’ve tried to speak to our daughters about it, but they just think it’s funny and “her way”. Despite the fact that they live in the same town as us she wont have them visit because “its too messy”.

Sorry this is so long but please someone help me

[snowbear]

Hi Tim,

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering because of your wife's behaviour. It sounds as though she has OCD and tries to control your actions to avoid the sort of situations which cause her distress. It's unfortunate she won't accept she has a problem as that's the first step to her becoming well again. But remember, you deserve support for yourself even though you aren't the one with the problem. Have you spoken to your GP about the situation? Your wife may feel threatened by the idea of 'outside interference' so perhaps approach it from the angle of 'your difficulties' and your feelings rather than 'her behaviour'.

You mention her arthritis diagnosis will bring new issues. I imagine you're thinking in part that she may try to make you do some of the cleaning for her when she is no longer able to do it? It's tempting to go along with a person's compulsions in the hope of 'anything for an easy life', but unfortunately OCD knows no boundaries and once you begin to enable some compulsions more and more will be demanded of you.

Refusing to become involved in compulsions is the right thing to do, even though it can be hard and can cause friction. Keep in mind the friction is driven by fear and try to be kind but firm about refusing to get involved.

Knowledge is power, so consider reading up on OCD for yourself and perhaps try to get your daughters on board, help them to understand your mum has an illness which is causing her suffering, not just 'funny ways'.

A place to start might be to listen to this recording from last years OCD conference Helping a family member or partner with OCD

Let us know how things are going and we're here if you need to ask any further questions.

 

 

 

 

[tim stevens]

Thank you for your kind reply. I will try to learn more about OCD. I have tried being firmer but as you say "anything for an easy life" is usually my best option. Being firm or even talking about the issues causes a huge atmosphere in the house and may cause days or even weeks of silence. I pride myself that I never, ever, lose my patience or my temper, but perhaps I should occasionally. With the current covid problems its not even possible to go off somewhere to cool off

[Hal]

Hi Tim,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope both for your sake and hers your wife can recognise her behaviour isn't normal. It's rare, but occasionally people can have very little insight into how much the disorder's affecting them and their families, but judging by her defensiveness....deep down I wouldn't  be surprised if your wife knows how ill she is. I agree with Snowbear's suggestion around talking to your GP, but unless she's prepared to take the next step towards getting help herself, the situation as it stands for you both isn't going to change, unfortunately.

It might tho' be worth thinking about why she's unwilling to acknowledge the problem. Could she feel ashamed of her behaviour and being mentally ill? If she is, there honestly isn't any reason to be... there isn't the stigma around mental health there once was. We have so much more awareness around it now and help available too. 

Your wife may also fear the changes she knows she'll lultimately have to make during therapy. But the treatment given in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a very gentle gradual process. She would never be expected or asked to drop all her safety behaviours in an instant...she'd be guided over the course of probably a few months how to reframe her thoughts and slowly adjust her behaviour. There genuinely isn't anything for her to fear around taking that next step.

It sounds like your wife has been struggling for many years and I have to say she's lucky given what you've said about how controlling and coercive she is towards you that you're prepared to stand by her. OCD can put a huge strain on the individual suffering with it, but I'm not sure that can really excuse some of the conduct you've described.

It's obviously so easy for me to suggest this...but try not to lose patience with her, if you can...remove yourself from the situation, even if it's just a short walk around the block. Losing your cool won't help her and it won't do your health much good either.

I really hope your wife can find the courage to accept she needs more help and support, and both your lives improve as a result.