HIV fears-Merged threads

[Guest hannahmaniac]

Just done my first half hour and to be honest, I couldn't just the whole of it solid, I hadnt thought about it all day, but I knew I had to at some point, because that thought is what had stopped me thinking bout it all day previously.

Thoughts that arose from this half hour of 'worrying', is basically: How would pants stop semen from getting in? This is more a rhetorical question than anything because its a problem I always have with my fear of getting contagious diseases etc, that I dont believe what people in the know tell me because I dont understand it, anyway, I'm off to try and get on with the rest of the day

Hannah x

[Guest hannahmaniac]

Woke up this morning to an OCD thought. I've only been awake a couple of hours and already so far the day has been a nightmare.

I know I'm running over old ground, but I found blood on my bed sheets, and to be honest if I didnt have OCD, it wouldnt be bothering me because I think I know where it is from. I have this old habit which I think might be linked to having had BDD, but when I wake up in the morning, I sometimes end up picking the flaws on my face and my face bleeds but I put the duvet against my face to stem the bleeding and I can vaguely remember doing this a while ago, infact, I havent changed my duvet for a while so it could be from anytime, especially seeing as its right at the top of the duvet, the part I would have used to stem the bleeding. However, my OCD is saying its from him, the glass cut him, he bled, I gave him oral sex, it got into a cut from my wisdom tooth coming through and...you know. My mind is reeling, I can feel a panic attack on its way and I dont know what to do! ArGh!!!

The second thing is so OCD that I know I shouldnt even be bothering with it, but its there. Unfortunately, as well as having the HIV OCD, I also have magical thinking OCD and I keep on thinking that the last time I did stuff with him, it was thursday the 12th, but I dont know if it ran over to friday 13th. This is so stupid, I dont even believe in luck etc, but my OCD is playing on it too. I hate OCD, its a stupid little and I'm angry at myself, so angry, I've ruined my life, I'm 19 years old and at Uni, I should be having a blast and I'm worrying about whether I'm gonna get a life threatening ilness and spend the rest of my so called 'life' alone

Hannah x

[Guest Soldiering on]

... it makes me smile when people share the magic thinking habit... (sorry, not smile, but you know...). I used to get convinced good things would happen on the 8th, 18th and 28th just because my OCD used to pick the number 8 as a 'good thing'. Why? No idea.

I've read through your posts and have to conclude with the others; minimal to non existent risk. It seems incredibly unlikely... why don't you reverse the tact on the sinister lil' ****** in your head and buy a lotto ticket... tell yourself there is a greater chance of that happening (there is!) than getting HIV.

My HIV fear period came mainly at high school, maybe from a lack of understanding about the illness. As you touch on, it's not a long lived ****** when outside the body and hey, maybe you're one of the lucky few that simply can't get it. Ever think about that? Maybe Thursday the 12th and Friday the 13th are a lucky combination for you...!

Imagine this... at school, I put my hand in some blood that was (for reasons unknown... perhaps it was menstrual... eeeeww!) on a stool in a science lab. I just went to sit down and bang! Instant paranoia for a month! It spoke volumes of the guy sitting next to me: he just leaned over and wiped it away with his bike glove so I could sit down... gross....

You know what I concluded after a few weeks of feeling ill? I didn't care. I took away the stigma of HIV. Who gives a .... ? So what? I decided that loads of people don't even develop AIDS from it, that drugs control it almost entirely in developed countries, and that in a lucky few it regressed entirely.

Thinking that way made it much easier for me to take away the fuel for the OCD.

It just unfortunately moved on to something else (of course I didn't know it was OCD back then... I just thought I was crazy!).

Sorry if any of this sounds flippant or dismissive, I just know that you can push on with life and tell that hot little section in your mind... so what?

J

Edited February 13, 2006 by Guest

[Rachie]

Hi Hannah, it's interesting that you couldn't focus for a full half hour on it - just kind of shows the power of the mind. When you allowed yourself to dwell on something you previously tried to not think of, the thoughts didn't last a full half hour. Please try and do that again another day, and just notice how you feel that day both during and before and after the half hour - it's worth trying, I think.

Deep breaths help me when I start panicking. Are you due to see the counsellor lady again soon?

I know how it can feel as if OCD has ruined your life, but you can get back to how you want to be. I promise, if treated well, you will get better.

Take care,

Rach x

[Guest idntw]

I just wanted to write and say I sympathise as I've got a similar infection-related worry at the moment. In my case it's the tiny risk that I might have caught something from my toddler that would be dangerous to an unborn baby (I'm pregnant, and small children get loads of routine viruses that are dangerous in that way). I've also found myself overanalysing incidents when I might have caught something and worrying and worrying - waking up with a feeling of dread certainty that the worst has happened, wishing I could turn the clock back and so on. I agree with lots of things that other people have said, particularly things like:

1) Accepting the risk: I find my mind goes mad with worry whenever I've set the bar too high, at "certainty that everything will be OK/I haven't been infected". I feel better when I can make myself believe that I've done a hugely positive thing in taking certain sensible precautions to avoid catching things from my toddler, and probably reduced that risk by 95 or 99%. This is certainly better than most people manage (OCD hyperawareness of what's touched what and when I last washed my hands can actually have a silver lining ), and it's enough. I will never be certain that I haven't caught anything at all from him, I can't be - that certainty is an impossible thing to aim for. I have to accept the tiny risk that I have caught something, and I'll deal with the consequences as and when they show up, if they do (which they probably won't). In the same way I think that for you you'll be much happier if you can persuade yourself that your risk of having caught HIV is certainly vanishingly small enough for you to safely go on and kiss or have sex with whoever you want without worrying at all about what you could give them, and also vanishingly small enough that you shouldn't be worrying or planning for what will happen if you get it - cross that bridge when you come to it - but it's not zero and it doesn't matter that it's not zero.

2) Believing at a gut level that reassurance won't get rid of the feeling of fear/dread: I found that with another of my OCD problems (to do wtih food poisoning) what really helped was separating out the feeling of dreadful certainty that something was wrong with the food, from the food itself. I told myself what I know to be true, that almost regardless of what I do the feeling of dread will be there anyway, because it doesn't come from the food or anything I'm noticing about the food - it comes from OCD. So I tried to assess the food separately - just by looking at its use-by date, how long it was cooked for, etc. and to stop using my feeling of dread (or not) as a measure of how unsafe (or safe) food is. Safe food is not food that doesn't give me a feeling of dread. Safe food is food that's been cooked enough - even though it might (because of my OCD) still give me a feeling of dread, I just have to ignore that feeling. My own feeling of fear about food is not a reliable measure of how unsafe it is. In the same way maybe it would help for you to accept that the feeling of dread and fear that you have when you think about that night, and HIV, is not a reliable measure of how much danger you're in. You're not going to get rid of that feeling, no matter how much you ask people here if we think you're safe, any more than I'm going to get rid of that feeling about food by cooking it for more and more time or asking my husband over and over again whether or not he thinks it's cooked.

I do find that it helps to try to think of that feeling of fear/dread as a separate and permanent thing I'm stuck with (thanks to the OCD) regardless of what safety measures I take - and ironically thinking that way does make the feeling get better. That's because I'm no longer giving huge significance to the feeling - I'm treating it as an irrelevance - so I stop noticing it as much. It's thinking of that feeling of fear as justified - thinking of "no feeling of fear" as meaning "everything's safe" that makes me overanalyse, look for things to worry about, overcook things and always, always seek reassurance - but none of that makes the feeling get better, so it's all wasted effort.

I don't know if any of that helps - as I said, I do sympathise. I would say overall just go out and enjoy yourself - if you practice safe sex in general (not OCD-safe-sex which has you worrying about remote possibilities of infection, but basic safe sex involving condoms for intercourse and so on), then both you and your partner will be fine. And don't ever worry about leading blokes on etc. - you should always be able to say no - if you find it difficult you can always say it's not an ideal time of the month, perhaps. Any bloke who tries to argue or force you or get angry in anyway is definitely not the right one to be with anyway!

HTH

[Guest itay]

hi Hannah and everybody in this lovely forum,

i've been reading this thread on hiv ocd for the last couple of weeks and decieded to participate actively.

i suffer from this hiv obsession that is tormenting me for years now,to make a long story short i've been fixated at this thought that during an hiv test that i took 3 years ago (which turned out negative) the nurse put a reused cotton ball on the needle puncture wound during the test.back then i"m almost positive that i saw adhesive straps on the ball which was the only one in the cotton balls bowl that had straps so i thought someone else must have used it before otherwise it wouldn't have adhesive straps on.i know rationally that there is no chance in the world it was reused but the ocd mind clings on to the slight shred of doubt.as i read on other ocd forums about this specific phobia it turns out that doing an hiv test for an ocdier is usually a bad idea and can only make things worse.but i"m glad to say things are hopefully strating to clear up.i decieded to take another test to put my mind at ease.i have a wonderful psychiatrist and she agreed to perform the blood draw at her clinic and i delivered the blood sample personally to the lab,i'm not so worried about the results but i can't say that the doubts and questions like what if the sample is damaged cause it took me some time to get to the lab?but now a growing clear voice is echoing in my head and that voice says "i have done all that i could do to fight and overcome this fear i leave it to god hands now".this change in me was accomplished in a very hard and profound therapy process including medications and i still have a lot of work to do even with the hiv obsession but my message is that things could change for the better with a lot of support from our surrounding and the right therapists.i know it sounds corny but that's the way i feel.i used to be very pessimistic person but now even in my most darken hours of despair from this ocd i keep the faith.

just wanted to sahre this so Hannah whom is according to her posts in a very difficult situation right now could find some strength to cope with this situation and never giving up hope that things could get better.

Edited February 13, 2006 by Guest

[Guest hannahmaniac]

I had a horrible horrible dream last night. This is often a problem for me because my dreams are so vivid, and if I'm already in a vunerable mood, it can often make me feel worse. But I dreamt that I died and my soul had to watch my life before I had died and although it wasnt exactly accurate (I dreamt I was a teen ice skating champion who wore braces, :blushing: ) my life had just seemed happy and I was wrought over with sadness, which became worse when my soul was forced to watch over the people I had loved in my life mourning my death and because it was linked with my HIV OCD worry, I felt it was all my fault, that I had brought this death upon myself by my stupidity.

That is exactly how I feel, stupid and I am so angry at myself for it, for being so naive as to thinking he hadnt been foolish in the past.

I have had another worry pop into my mind, another 'what if'. Again, warnings of graphic content.

This time it is to do with me...ahem, how do I say this?...touching him down there, him off, sorry, I really am, I just dont know how to put it, although he didnt ejaculate properly, he did 'pre-cum' and the only thing I could do was to ignore it and just carry on meaning it went all over my hands. I keep on thinking 'what if I had cuts on my hands?'. Now I'm not sure what is defined as an open wound which would put me at risk, could anyone explain to me? I know that my hands weren't bleeding, I also know that this is my OCD clutching at straws, but could someone please enlighten me on this? I would very much appreciate it.

Also, I am scared about going for another test, I am increasingly thinking 'ignorance is bliss' but my head or heart or whatever (I'm not good at reading signals!) is saying that I know it is right to go, very confused.

Rach, I have an appointment with my counsellor on friday so I am looking forward to it,

Right I must go to work,

Hannah x

[Atlantis]

The virus dies in the air. You didn't have open wounds on your hands anyway. So yes, your OCD is clutching at straws

[Guest hannahmaniac]

I know this might sound stupid but I'm having a proper OCD attack today and I dont know why. If the semen got rubbed into my hands would it go into my blood stream?

Argh, for the first time in a year I am feelin trapped again, like my brain wont move. I'm abit scared

Hannah x

[Guest NickNickNick]

If the semen got rubbed into my hands would it go into my blood stream?

No.

Treat it as if it could have though. Getting this reassurance is not helping you. It is making things worse for yourself in the long run, though it might give you a half hour of relief. You should be looking at life like you could have HIV, and that you'll deal with it when you're diagnosed. Don't worry about it until then.

[Guest daisychain]

No.

You should be looking at life like you could have HIV, and that you'll deal with it when you're diagnosed. Don't worry about it until then.

Although this may seem like an obvious and simple thing to do, I think it is a really good approach: to postpone the worry, try to get distracted and put the worry off until a later time, and do this over and over.

Ive found this can be a really helpful strategy in dealing with my fears that I know are irrational, which is also important to ensuring this strategy works: knowing that they are irrational, if you believe your thoughts then it only makes dealing with your OCD that much harder.

Daisy xx

Also, I forgot to add, that for the past few years I have been virtually OCD symptom free, perhaps this is because my medication works so well, but like many others here, we can really understand the suffering and hopefully can offer support to others who are currently going through all the **** of this illness!

Just some extra stuff I thought I`d mention!

Daisy :lol:

[Guest stressed out]

Hi - this is the first time I've posted so thought I would share some of my story.

I've had OCD for about 6 years - it started when I was about 19 and at university. I didn't know it was ocd until fairly recently - mainly because I really didn't know that a fear of HIV could be OCD - I associated OCD with a general fear of dirt and germs not something more specific so I always discounted OCD as an explanation for what was going on. But I'm starting to realise that this is a fairly common fear among ocd sufferers - how could I have spent 6 years not knowing this?

It started really gradually but I just woke up one morning and wondered whether it was possible I could have HIV. I ended up going for a test even though there was only a very tiny risk (came back negative but was so stressful). But that didn't set my mind at rest so I had to go back. Then I started worrying that HIV could be passed on by touching things so I had to start washing my hands a lot after touching things. Now almost everything around me had become 'contaminated' even though logically I know that HIV cannot be passed on like this. This means there is a huge list of items that I avoid touching and another list of things that I touch but wash my hands a certain number of times afterwards. Anyway I've just started therapy which I'm hopeful about - at least it is a way forward - I've spent 6 years just letting OCD gradually take my life away.

Anyway I've never really told anyone all of this (except my therapist) - don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else but it feels good to get it all off my chest! :original:

[Guest Martine]

hi i have a fear of hiv to that is why i wont have sex with my boyfriend he does understand my fears but i hate my fear of it you are not alone

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi and Welcome to the board,

Yes I have a fear of getting HIV, but my OCD isnt that specific as I also fear Hep, germs in general, chemicals, etc.

I hate door handles, hand rails on stairs, toilets, anywhere you can touch that someone else I don't know has touched.

My OCD is that I have to clean my hands or area of my body or clothing that has been contaminated, but I only have to wash once, not a bunch of times.

Even though we have OCD, we all seem to have our own version of it.

Glad you were able to post on the board and you feel better for it, hurrah.

FF

[Guest hannahmaniac]

Hello

Tonight I am very worried, my friend has a wisdom tooth coming through and she keeps on spittin out blood.

I am wondering if this is what I spit out that morning when I brushed my teeth, I am worried I had an open bleeding wound in my mouth while this lad ejaculated in my mouth. This would mean the chances are higher than before.

I am worried that I am not gonna be able to cope with this and that the dark thoughts will come back. I am not sure what the point in carrying on is if I am to die young and with no companion, this might sound over the top, but these are the thoughts that are filling my head.

I am very scared, could anyone perhaps send me a hug?

Han x

[Guest Sky]

have you been tested yet? I'm sure its nothing, and you dont have it, its unlikely he did anyway. Stay calm. *hugs*

[Guest hannahmaniac]

I havent had a test yet because I'm only a month into the three month window.

This morning I didnt want to wake up. I was dreaming about having HIV but when I woke up, the realization that my life is nearly as bad at the moment was worse than just dreaming it.

I'm having constant panic attacks. My breathing isnt right.

I've been thinking about it and it all make sense. Why I thought there was more blood than when I usually brush my teeth. I went down on this lad with a raw gum from the tooth coming through and the friction from the action of this might have made it bleed, meaning that when he ejaculated in my mouth, I would have had an open wound.

I feel constantly sick and have not felt this low since my major depression last year.

Hannah x

[Guest hannahmaniac]

Hello everyone

I am still very nervous over the news that I last posted on this thread, I cant stop thinking about. Especially about how people might not want to know me. This was made worse earlier by the fact that some lads I know were talking about a famous footballer. They were saying 'do you know why he's so up in the head? Its cos he has aids'. I'm so scared, I seriously cant tell if this is my OCD anymore because I keep on thinking about the blood in my mouth from my wisdom tooth. I phoned the people up and they said it was still low risk but to me, thats a risk and I'm absolutley myself.

My head keeps on saying 'dont bother with the test, ignorance is bliss' I dont know what to do. I hate myself.

I keep on repeating that, I know.

Also, I want to kiss that lad who is visiting, but I feel like I am decieving him and that he would be disgusted. I also keep thinking, what if I bleed? What if he bleeds?

Hannah x

[Guest Soldiering on]

Hello everyone

I am still very nervous over the news that I last posted on this thread, I cant stop thinking about. Especially about how people might not want to know me. This was made worse earlier by the fact that some lads I know were talking about a famous footballer. They were saying 'do you know why he's so up in the head? Its cos he has aids'. I'm so scared, I seriously cant tell if this is my OCD anymore because I keep on thinking about the blood in my mouth from my wisdom tooth. I phoned the people up and they said it was still low risk but to me, thats a risk and I'm absolutley myself.

My head keeps on saying 'dont bother with the test, ignorance is bliss' I dont know what to do. I hate myself.

I keep on repeating that, I know.

Also, I want to kiss that lad who is visiting, but I feel like I am decieving him and that he would be disgusted. I also keep thinking, what if I bleed? What if he bleeds?

Hannah x

My mouth bleeds every time I brush my teeth... it's just mild gum disease.... apparently most young people don't brush their teeth properly!

I still think that you are magic and HIV resistant... not that you've been exposed to it in the first place!

I noticed you're talking about the panic attack increase - I'm also in the midst of it, probably because of moving flat etc... I had a massive attack in my new area and I'm now worried that I'm going to associate the 2.... Plus I haven't even met my new flatmates and I'm worried I'll OCD it up when I meet them.

You should try and turn to my new buddy - chinese tea! Not in bag form, I'm talking real leaves... it sometimes gives you the calm you need to bestill that irrational voice!

J

[Guest lulu]

hey hannah

i'm new to the forum but completely understand wat your goin through - I've been an OCD sufferer for about 7years now but have only recently realised that it is the condition that is making me have all these concerns about HIV

I've been having the same worries as u for about 8months now and although I have been tested with a negative result this does not eliminate the fear of still having HIV or havin passed it onto my current boyfriend - however I am going to give u sum facts and figures which i think u may find my relieve u a bit

After a consultation with a doctor at the GUM clinic, she informed me that they are able to detect early signs of HIV antibodies as little as 6-8 weeks after infection - 12 weeks is there safety margin because at this stage late developing antibodies will be apparent - my advice if you can't wait for the 12wk margin ring the clinic and confirm these details. I'm not sayin this will give a def result but if at this stage there is nothin present it is likely nothing will be there after 12wks. If after 12wks the result is still negative u have nothing to worry about - i no sum sites suggest u may have to wait 6mths but the new tests are very accurate. The helath advisor also said as I think sumone mentioned earlier - the infection is fairly hard to contract compared to other STI's.

Also there are presently 65,000 HIV sufferers in the UK - (49% of which live in London) that leaves about 35,000 sufferers elsewhere in the UK and correct me if I'm wrong but i feel this gives u a very miniscule chance of contracting the infection from sumone from lancanster. Don't forget u have to include us over here in Northern Ireland in the UK figure so that reduces the number in the mainland also.

My worry before strived from a past boyfriend passin on to me a very common STI - chlamydia - We had finished when i found out and I told him about it yet he is adiment he didnt have it and said his results came back clear - This sparked my OCD making me think if I had chlamydia then i must have HIV too - My test was taken about 4 months after my last encounter with my previous boyfriend but I still have the worry that I could still have HIV - I know this is my OCD as do u with your fear so try to put it to the back of ur mind

Speak to an advisor at ur nearest GUM clinic about getting an earlier appointment and make a note of all the questions from now until then of wat you want to ask them about contracting the virus - hopefully that may help your anxiety a bit.

Best Wishes

Lulu

[Guest hannahmaniac]

Thank you lulu,

I'm just hoping this guy's fella wasnt from london, lol. Lancaster is a big student town and I think the lad I was seeing might have been with a male student.

Thanks for your help though :original:

I'm still fairly nervous but I'm trying to cope,

Hannah x

[Guest Worriedwell]

Hi worriedwell here.

I've been away for a while and my OCD was checking until had HIV test at 18, negative but then

did the whole did they got results mixed up etc and ever since then I've had this as my OCD

obssession. Tested 5 times and cos for the last year and a half it's got progressively worse until didn't eat, talk to anyone, go shopping, managed to get CBT.

It's really helped and although not better, remember it's small steps at a time! When I started was afraid of everything, convinced myself whatever I did (near enough I'd get HIV). Since CBT I've improved loads and believe HIV is unlikely. How many people do the things I was afraid of and are fine? Yep there's a risk but so is crossing the road. Don't get me wrong, I still have HIV OCD but CBT does really help in making

you assess the risk (minimal unless you take high risks).

Having said that though, just split with boyfriend of 3 years and acted like stalker in trying to make

things right with him, hope not OCD transferrence.

[Guest hannahmaniac]

I've been daft and looked up symptoms on nhs direct. Now you can guess what I am doing, I knew I was going to do it.

Anyway, I have been experiencing pains in my shoulder/breast and I'm scared this is 'muscle pain' and maybe a symptom.

I phoned the sexual health line and it felt like she didnt have much time for me, I dont blame her

Can anyone help?

x

[Guest hannahmaniac]

I have work tonight so hopefully that will distract me I am a bit upset but I'm sure I will cope there x

[Guest hannahmaniac]

My shoulder, breast and back are so tender, I'm really worried, I dont know what to think .

x