Help to support adult child

[Simples123]

Hi 

Not entirely sure where to start but any advice welcome. I am really struggling with this.

I have an adult child in early 20's who is being treated for OCD. I am told there can't officially be a diagnosis as this needs to be a psychiatrist to do this but therapist is fairly certain. 

They are  bright, intelligent but always had high standards, we felt put too much pressure on themself in school etc. The relationship with their partner is breaking down due to intrusive thoughts and we are trying to support as best we can but feel as though we never do or say "the right thing".

They recently moved back home after living with their partner for a year and we understand this is a major change.... for everyone. The behaviour can be very challenging at times and doesn't seem to be able to accept that there is an impact on others. In fact I have been told that "this doesn't impact on me"!

At times it feels as though we are only wanted when they want something and I am now trying to support them while trying to "keep a lid on things with my husband/their dad" who is almost at the end of his tether with what sometimes can be  unreasonable demands.

At times I think the behaviour and attitude is selfish and that's really awful to say but it is how I feel. 

I don't know where to draw the line.

Is it ok to be asked to leave the house for an hour while therapy going on upstairs where the session would not be overheard or interrupted? I personally think that's a bit much, being restricted in our own home ?

I also know therapy has been going on for months and months with little change , I don't believe medication always the answer but surely if anxiety,  not sleeping etc then trying something other than just therapy may be reasonable? 

"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got "

They won't entertain any other thoughts views. 

 

[DRS1]

19 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

Hi 

Not entirely sure where to start but any advice welcome. I am really struggling with this.

I have an adult child in early 20's who is being treated for OCD. I am told there can't officially be a diagnosis as this needs to be a psychiatrist to do this but therapist is fairly certain. 

They are  bright, intelligent but always had high standards, we felt put too much pressure on themself in school etc. The relationship with their partner is breaking down due to intrusive thoughts and we are trying to support as best we can but feel as though we never do or say "the right thing".

They recently moved back home after living with their partner for a year and we understand this is a major change.... for everyone. The behaviour can be very challenging at times and doesn't seem to be able to accept that there is an impact on others. In fact I have been told that "this doesn't impact on me"!

At times it feels as though we are only wanted when they want something and I am now trying to support them while trying to "keep a lid on things with my husband/their dad" who is almost at the end of his tether with what sometimes can be  unreasonable demands.

At times I think the behaviour and attitude is selfish and that's really awful to say but it is how I feel. 

I don't know where to draw the line.

Is it ok to be asked to leave the house for an hour while therapy going on upstairs where the session would not be overheard or interrupted? I personally think that's a bit much, being restricted in our own home ?

I also know therapy has been going on for months and months with little change , I don't believe medication always the answer but surely if anxiety,  not sleeping etc then trying something other than just therapy may be reasonable? 

"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got "

They won't entertain any other thoughts views. 

 

I'll try and cover as much as I can here.

 

20 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

I have an adult child in early 20's who is being treated for OCD. I am told there can't officially be a diagnosis as this needs to be a psychiatrist to do this but therapist is fairly certain. 

I was diagnosed at 21 (2 years ago) with OCD and ASD after a joint assessment from a psychiatrist and psychologist, so yes the therapist is definitely right with requiring a psychiatrist to be able to do so. If it's worth having that diagnosis then it's maybe a good idea to get an assessment from a psychiatrist.

 

23 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

They are  bright, intelligent but always had high standards, we felt put too much pressure on themself in school etc. The relationship with their partner is breaking down due to intrusive thoughts and we are trying to support as best we can but feel as though we never do or say "the right thing".

The high standards thing can really be too high and this could be perfectionism in OCD. It's something I've struggled/still struggle with now. As for feeling like you never do or say the right thing. The first best thing you can do is just listen, don't judge, don't even react if they tell you their intrusive thought content. Then from there, if you want to understand them better you need to read up on it. There are a lot of books out there for family members of those with OCD as well as even just looking through the OCD-UK website, even looking on this forum to see the kinds of ways OCD affects people will give you a better understanding of it not just affecting them but you as well. The one thing here though is, don't do the "right thing". If the right thing involves you or anyone else in the family accommodating compulsive behaviours on their behalf then that's not going to help them.

 

27 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

They recently moved back home after living with their partner for a year and we understand this is a major change.... for everyone. The behaviour can be very challenging at times and doesn't seem to be able to accept that there is an impact on others. In fact I have been told that "this doesn't impact on me"!

This one I've especially felt as someone with OCD. There is of course an impact on others but we are told to focus on our mental health and not worry about how it is effecting others. However, to simply deny that it doesn't have an effect on others around you is avoiding the truth of OCD in general and how disruptive it is. To be clear I'm not saying that your or anyone else's mental health here doesn't matter in comparison, it does, but for the person with OCD it can be really hard knowing that because they aren't "just getting over it" that they are causing harm to those around them. This ends up playing into OCD unfortunately. Again, this doesn't mean that it doesn't affect you but if you do feel as if it is affecting your mental health, it is important to at least visit your GP and discuss it or alternatively try to get a session with the therapist who is treating your child to talk about what you can do to help mitigate its impact on you. Hopefully this doesn't come across wrong, if it does, let me know because I'm not probably meaning it in a really negative way.

 

32 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

At times it feels as though we are only wanted when they want something and I am now trying to support them while trying to "keep a lid on things with my husband/their dad" who is almost at the end of his tether with what sometimes can be  unreasonable demands.

At times I think the behaviour and attitude is selfish and that's really awful to say but it is how I feel. 

The demands (accommodations - compulsions) are things that you shouldn't give into. However, you have to understand their perspective of why they feel the need to do this. Losing the plot with them isn't going to stop them doing compulsions, in fact, it might cause them to do more and also not to trust you as someone they can talk to about their mental health. Even though it seems ridiculous to you or their dad, it doesn't feel ridiculous to someone with OCD. It feels like a real threat. Something that must be prevented through compulsions. Of course compulsions are absolutely useless and do nothing but what they do is reduce anxiety and uncertainty temporarily whilst reinforcing the OCD. So for this just let them know (gently) that you simply won't accommodate their demands because you want to help them get better and accommodating their demands will reinforce the OCD making them worse. They will probably be very upset at this but this is something that needs to happen in order for them to get better.

 

37 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

I don't know where to draw the line.

Is it ok to be asked to leave the house for an hour while therapy going on upstairs where the session would not be overheard or interrupted? I personally think that's a bit much, being restricted in our own home ?

Another one that for me is really important. Yes, I think it is acceptable to give them the privacy for one hour to be able to say what they need to to a therapist. OCD for me concentrates a lot on harm and sexual intrusive thoughts and images. My family still don't really understand OCD and didn't when I was getting therapy. I was not prepared to open up to a therapist in my house because my family would hear me and then what would they think of me if they heard some of the things I was dealing with. I ended up having to go to a different house where there was an isolated space where I did feel comfortable to have those open discussions with a therapist. I would look at this way, "restricted" for one hour every week, or two weeks so that they can get better seems pretty reasonable to me. This wouldn't be accommodating as a compulsion, this  would be giving your child the ability to open up enough. This could be why (if they aren't getting to do that right now) they aren't making as much progress in therapy as you would expect.

 

43 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

I also know therapy has been going on for months and months with little change , I don't believe medication always the answer but surely if anxiety,  not sleeping etc then trying something other than just therapy may be reasonable? 

"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got "

I wouldn't be expecting a time frame for them to get better and the above part that I mentioned could be why their isn't that much progress. Also, the very idea of taking the risk that OCD could be right and still stopping the compulsions is a massive deal to those of us with OCD. That's not easy at all and it takes longer for some than others to get to that point. I wish it was as easy as just cutting out the compulsions, but its not. It's not even as simple as just do ERP. We need the cognitive aspect too (the CBT). As for the quote, I'd argue its not correct because doing the compulsions actually just makes you worse and worse. It makes the OCD more severe and debilitating.

 

For the not taking on anyone else's views, it depends on what other people's views are and how those views are presented. If those views are blunt in the statement itself i.e. that they need to stop this or that its ridiculous, it's not going to be something they will take on board. They might even see it as you not understanding how difficult it is. If the views are presented more with "I know this must be really tough for you but these compulsions are only making you worse and we want to help you get better" and without frustration then they will be more willing to take that on board.

 

OCD is frustrating for everyone involved but always leading with compassion goes a long way.  Hopefully this gives you perhaps a perspective of maybe how they may feel about these things. If you have any further questions feel free to add them to the thread here. The final thing to mention is this is no one's fault. It's not their fault for having OCD and struggling to deal with it. It's not you or your families faults for not being able to help them better or for being frustrated with it. If anyone wants something to hate collectively, hate the OCD, it's a piece of garbage.

[Simples123]

Hi 

Thanks for the reply 

A couple of things to clarify 

I don't hate my child  the contrary so if it came across this way then that was never intended. Also views are that we want to support the person and listen but we need boundaries too. I'm going to be frank here, as a parent of course my instinct is to protect my child and to fix things but I know I can't fix this so I don't try, I kinda let things run. I ask how they are I literally drop everything when they decide they want to talk and I'm not sure I can do anything else.

To give an example of saying or doing the right thing a few years ago they told us that thought they may be bisexual. We have no issue with this and said it was a big deal to let us know but that they are still "xxxx" to us nothing changed we love them just the same. The response to this was that wasn't the right response....

I don't expect everything tk be ok in a certain time but would hope some progress. I suspect the last 2 or more years of therapy and support would have helped a bit though. I completely understand this isn't going to be cured ,it's about living alongside it and managing it in a way that works helpfully.

It's not so much compulsions more thoughts. We aren't enabling compulsions but there are expectations , often saying don't say that , don't do that. I have advanced communication skills training so very mindful of what, and how I say things. I don't judge thoughts views and if I'm honest I understand that with ocd the person has to focus on them and not be concerned about others however the reality is that it absolutely does. So perhaps an acknowledgement like "I understand it affects you but I have to focus on myself " rather than "it doesn't affect you".

I understand about privacy but there is no way hubby would hear as he is in a completely different part of the house and would stay away. We do have things to do as well and when that's your day off being told you have to get out is not great.

Sorry if that sounds blunt , it's meant to be truthful and I hope you aren't offended 

[DRS1]

45 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

Hi 

Thanks for the reply 

A couple of things to clarify 

I don't hate my child  the contrary so if it came across this way then that was never intended. Also views are that we want to support the person and listen but we need boundaries too. I'm going to be frank here, as a parent of course my instinct is to protect my child and to fix things but I know I can't fix this so I don't try, I kinda let things run. I ask how they are I literally drop everything when they decide they want to talk and I'm not sure I can do anything else.

To give an example of saying or doing the right thing a few years ago they told us that thought they may be bisexual. We have no issue with this and said it was a big deal to let us know but that they are still "xxxx" to us nothing changed we love them just the same. The response to this was that wasn't the right response....

I don't expect everything tk be ok in a certain time but would hope some progress. I suspect the last 2 or more years of therapy and support would have helped a bit though. I completely understand this isn't going to be cured ,it's about living alongside it and managing it in a way that works helpfully.

It's not so much compulsions more thoughts. We aren't enabling compulsions but there are expectations , often saying don't say that , don't do that. I have advanced communication skills training so very mindful of what, and how I say things. I don't judge thoughts views and if I'm honest I understand that with ocd the person has to focus on them and not be concerned about others however the reality is that it absolutely does. So perhaps an acknowledgement like "I understand it affects you but I have to focus on myself " rather than "it doesn't affect you".

I understand about privacy but there is no way hubby would hear as he is in a completely different part of the house and would stay away. We do have things to do as well and when that's your day off being told you have to get out is not great.

Sorry if that sounds blunt , it's meant to be truthful and I hope you aren't offended 

Not at all offended. The what if I'm bisexual could either be the right response was to maybe you are maybe you aren't or they were looking for reassurance that they aren't as that might have been OCD related. If anything your response there would make anxiety worse yes but would also be ERP rather than compulsions so good job on that one.

 

I think it's probably time to ask your child and also the therapist why there hasn't been that much progress. 2 years is an awfully long time and I had presumed since you hadn't mentioned it that it was shorter than that. What I would be hoping for here is that they have been getting CBT with ERP not talk therapy as the latter would be totally ineffective.

 

I'm not sure if the right things to say now are things they want you to say in order not to trigger them (don't do that, but you will probably understand that you triggering them is not necessarily a bad thing within the context of OCD)

 

As for the privacy aspect. It's really difficult. I see your viewpoint but my experience is really more from your child's perspective. However what you could try (only do this once as otherwise they may come back again and again as a compulsion) is to have them speak really loudly in the room they will have the therapy call from and the other room in the house where you or their dad will be sitting for that hour and record from that room audio. 

 

Chances are it's going to pick up no audio if the house is well enough insulated in the walls and if so then you could present that as an argument for why it is fine for you to be in the house. I would also compromise that you promise you won't go near their room where they are doing therapy for that one hour so it is clear to them that they have that boundary in place.

 

Again it's no one's fault with OCD. You and your family are allowed to have these feelings about it and how it is affecting you too. I don't know if anything I've said is even remotely helpful but I thought it would be good to reply.

 

 

[Simples123]

Thanks all helpful as trying to navigate through it all

[DRS1]

40 minutes ago, Simples123 said:

Thanks all helpful as trying to navigate through it all

No problem. If you have any more questions then feel free to ask. One of us on here will probably be able to answer them.