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DRS1

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Everything posted by DRS1

  1. Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of that. I would say the fear of it not being OCD is a very typical OCD thing as what if it isn't a normal mental health condition and what if your secretly a bad person. Why would anyone else have these thoughts? Well you'll be glad to know that these thoughts are just thoughts, the images are just images. It's about what we do in response instead. Anyone that has told you you are too far gone is quite frankly an idiot. No one is too far gone when it comes to OCD. As far as figuring out what is true and what isn't, I'd recommend you don't try to do that as that can be looking for an answer to satisfy OCD's demands and well, there isn't answer that can ever satisfy OCD. It's actually really interesting that you talk about the eyelashes thing and the fear of pulling hair out as there is a condition that is sort of grouped in with OCD called Trichotillomania which is where someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair. I'm not a medical professional so can't be sure or tell you that is what you have but it's something probably to ask a medical professional about. Saying that, it's not to say you don't also have OCD as it sounds like it very much like you do. I think you need to try and get yourself diagnosed by a professional and then go see if you can get therapy for OCD and potentially if you do have it, the Trichotillomania. Not sure about the latter's treatment options but for OCD if you can try and get CBT with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) that's an ideal thing to look for. If a therapist doesn't know what ERP is then they aren't the right person to treat you with your OCD. Hope this helps.
  2. I agree with @northpaul, I think you need to go get a therapist for this and definitely be taking yourself to a doctor/hospital as soon as you can. This is probably a bit more full on than what we could offer advice on. Mutilating yourself as a compulsion isn't an acceptable way to live. As for the rest of your posts, I think you need to work with a therapist on this stuff and see if you can get a diagnosis of OCD
  3. Hi Dispy, welcome to the forum. Don't worry too much about how roughly its written. So to get straight to the point, the main treatment for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with ERP and potentially for some people an SSRI/Another anti-depressant. If you want to learn more about OCD I'd recommend Break Free From OCD which is available on Amazon or on the OCD-UK store. You aren't alone in OCD taking a role of a sexual theme. I have dealt/experience it quite a lot. It can be very graphic and very disabling but I would like to find out a bit more about how the other aspects you mention as I'm a bit confused. You kind of flip from I to he so I'm a bit uncertain as to which you mean. Was this an intrusive thought, image or a real event. If you were doing that to yourself, was there a particular thing you were trying to prevent happening? To go over a few things generally. We don't want to be avoiding things we enjoy for the sake of OCD and yes this applies to sexual matters too. If you are in a relationship and you value intimacy, then don't stop that for the sake of trying to have OCD not be there when that is happening. The same goes with self-pleasure (for both single and people in relationships). Some people value watching erotic content and some do not and that in itself can become a compulsion as a way of distracting ourselves from thoughts, or images, sensations we experience. Also its worthwhile mentioning sexual shame and guilt here. Is there a particular reason why you were abstaining from self-pleasure and was it OCD related or another potentially unhelpful belief? I'm not sure if its a cultural belief/religious belief or not or if its OCD related from what you were saying but in general there's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about from self-pleasure, sex and even having sexual intrusive thoughts and images. I wouldn't hurt yourself/intentionally damage your genitals as a compulsion and if this is what you are doing I'd suggest you might want to make an appointment with your doctor. I'll leave it there for now and if you are able to respond with a little bit more information about it to make it clearer what it is that's going on that would be great. Hope this helps.
  4. Remember it is just someone's story, it doesn't reflect on you at all just because you hear about it. That's like saying if you drive and someone else intentionally wrecks on a motorway into a truck that you are going to do that. It's an OCD trick there. It doesn't make it any better but you need to remember that there is a separation of the OCD and you as a person. Similarly there is a separation of things you hear about other people and your values and actions. What you can do here is instead of using a little bit of subtle reassurance by reminding yourself its dramatized, open it to uncertainty instead. Use it against OCD by saying maybe it might happen, maybe it won't but I don't need to waste any time figuring that out if that might or might not be the case.
  5. I'm glad you've managed to calm down a bit and see that this is no different to the original thought that OCD latched onto. You didn't upset me or make me not want to post. I said it because at that point it wasn't going to change anything for you if I continued to post whilst you couldn't see that this was all for reassurance. The thing is OCD is always going to latch onto this sort of stuff so there's nothing we can ever do to try and convince it otherwise to what it's decided has to be the case. I do still have my concerns about your insight when you get caught in that loop though and I do think that's something you need to get into therapy for as they will be able to help with that so that when you do get caught in the loop you don't feel like you've suddenly forgotten everything you've learned about OCD. I think therapy is worth it at least in my experience as it helped me so I would look to see if you can refer yourself or get your GP to refer you to get therapy.
  6. Please go and see a therapist. This has got to the point where we aren't going be of any use to you getting better until you are able to understand how OCD is working here. I think its been said more than enough times about why you are getting stuck in the loop but instead of trying to take that onboard you seem to want to say things like "nobody will say I'm not a rapist that means what I've described is rape". Nobody said the opposite either though did they. Nobody told you you were and nobody told you you weren't. Just because we don't give an answer doesn't mean that you / your OCD can twist this to well that must mean I must be. I can't gather at this point whether this is OCD catastrophising or if its something you are doing to try to make someone give you a definitive answer / reassurance but if it's the latter this isn't fair. I know it's distressing, I know it must be awful but it's been said a lot that the only reason you are stuck in this loop is the reassurance seeking and rumination compulsions that you are doing. Are you able to understand that these are the things you need to stop and that these are the problem? Instead of doing any of the things in your post, try to go and get therapy and if that can't wait, please contact the Samaritans or NHS 24 and explain to them you have OCD and see if they can get anything kickstarted for you. If you are feeling suicidal right now then I suggest you go to A & E or contact the Samaritans. I don't think me responding is helpful at this point as it's probably just keeping the desire to do more reassurance seeking in the hope that someone / me will give in and just give you that reassurance but I'm never going to do that and nor should anyone else in the forum as it's more detrimental you than you think.
  7. No that won't help you. You know full well that getting that "opinion" won't work. It might be enough for a day, a week maybe at best buy then it will just come back around again. So that promise wouldn't work as eventually you'd find your way back to the forum for more reassurance. If at this point you don't recognize that then I would say you need to gain more insight about OCD. Therapy would be a good way to do this with a professional. Not because it might or might not be true, but because OCD is taking so much of your time and severely limiting your ability to do the things you want to do.
  8. Nope, you're trying to be logical about OCD that's illogical. I didn't say anything of the sort. What I said is there is a possibility that OCD is right but equality there is a possibility that it is wrong. The issue is these aren't probabilities. How many times has someone given you reassurance on this and how many times has it worked, genuinely asking? I'd be curious to find out if the answer is not zero. If it's not zero then you may well be the first person ever to have managed to give OCD certainty and for it to have worked but ultimately this is just isn't how OCD works. Don't ask your parents, your just seeking reassurance from them. You don't want to have them accommodating your OCD and if they don't have a good knowledge of OCD then you are probably going to get that reassurance every time which isn't fair to them or you. Why punish yourself mentally for something that might or might not have happened decades ago. Why keep doing this. It's like your just constantly punching yourself in the face multiple times a day and for no justification. You need to accept that it is not a reasonable thing to do. No one with OCD with similar thoughts or images or real event situations has ever got an answer for their own situations. No amount of reassurance, no amount of someone telling them that it is / was "this". None of it works @Amiamonster. You know what you need to do in order to get better, it's about whether or not you feel ready to do that or not. I can't remember if you've been in therapy or not but I would say you definitely need to see if you can get therapy as they can help you unlock how OCD works and allow you to be in a position to try and reduce these compulsions. I think you've been given pretty much the same advice or similar to every time you've made posts about this so I'm not sure what we can do differently to try and explain how this is working. We are never going to give you an answer that will satisfy OCD. If you were told you were, it wouldn't be good enough for OCD. If you were told you weren't it wouldn't be good enough for OCD. See where this is going? You can't win by figuring this out or being told which is true or not. You win by giving up trying to fight OCD with compulsions. I feel for what you are dealing with and I understand how distressing it is but equally I've been through OCD where it was utterly disabling where I would think that I was all these bad things. Yet, I gave up trying to fight OCD, and I won by doing that. I didn't lose. My moral values didn't vanish. Sure if I have an intrusive image of a knife and me being stabbed with it or someone else being stabbed with it, that could happen. However, it might not. I'm taking my chances that OCD is wrong. You should take your chances that OCD is wrong with this too.
  9. No, you should just stop trying to figure it out in general and leave it alone. You don't need to know either way. You don't. I can't stress that enough. What are you trying to get from all this rumination and trying to remember? Certainty or an answer? Knowing what you know about OCD, do you think you will actually find that or do you think you should leave it alone as I bet you all the attempts you've had at trying to figure this out haven't worked. Not a single one of them would've given you certainty. So you know these compulsions are futile and don't help and you've been told they are actually the thing that's keeping it going so would you rather keep trying to figure this out or would you rather try to take the risk that OCD could be right or it could be wrong?. If it's wrong then you've spent an awful lot of time doing compulsions that you didn't need to do and being terrified of thoughts you didn't need to try and find a solution to. Yeah OCD could be right but you should be willing to take the risk it isn't. It's got to be down to you to be able to make that choice but it's something you need to consider evaluating at this point. There is no trying to remember it this way or that way. You can't rely on it, it's useless because OCD has made that impossible to be a good factor in being able to make that judgement. The only thing you can do then is stop trying to figure it out. I get it's scary to not try to figure it out but that is what you need to do. Try it the next time you are ruminating over it. Bring the thought or image back up, imagine it in vivid detail, exaggerate it and sit with it without the compulsions. Let yourself feel all those feelings and experience those images and thoughts. After a while you'll start to realise none of this was anything to have spent months or years doing compulsions for and that you can tolerate it.
  10. See that repeating of the story you are doing? That's a compulsion in itself, work on reducing that as that's not helping you. The worst OCD "theme" is the current one so as much as this one is particularly bad, there could be another theme OCD switches too that is just as bad for you at that point. It doesn't make a difference of whether or not an event happened or not. The mechanisms are just the same thing. You don't know what's real and not but you're still trying to figure that out. Stop trying to figure it out, it's not worth your time as you aren't going to get any closer to the answer. Try and sit with the anxiety and uncertainty of it without the compulsions. It only gets better when you cut those compulsions out. It's the only thing keeping you from being able to "not care" about it.
  11. I can struggle with this as I will spend hours happily researching topics or reading about things and that's not a compulsion but on similar topics that affect my OCD can be a problem. For example if I read an article on relationships or sex (or anything remotely sexual related) then that's not necessarily an issue and that's fairly normal for those without OCD without having to worry about it. However, if I feel the urgency to find out the information and can't put it off then generally I know it's a compulsion. It's most obvious if I'm looking for that "answer", I feel like it's been answered but then the next day it would start again and so for me that's not a good thing obviously. In a sense, I naturally think very black and white anyway (I'm autistic so for some reason that's just a default thinking pattern for me albeit very unhelpful as it can almost work into the OCD) so it's not easy realising it's not black and white. Another thing that's interesting too is if you read an article or a news story you don't agree with a single sentence then for me at least OCD can turn that into "Oh my god, you read that single sentence, that must mean you agree with it" which to be honest at this point is absolutely hilarious. So I don't think its a matter of suppressing any sort of curiosity around anything but more recognizing when there is the feeling of urgency and when there is not. If it's urgent then it's not curiosity, it's a compulsion. If it's curiosity, then there's no urgency and I can be curious about things even if the topic broadly may overlap with OCD. Here's the thing too, everything that's ever been a possible topic at all in the whole existence of the universe is fair game to OCD, so we can't simply avoid being curious about things and wanting to learn just because OCD has "taken" that topic. Avoiding it would be letting OCD win.
  12. You don't need to apologise to anyone. OCD is hard to deal with. Just because you did a compulsion doesn't mean its the end of the world or that you will go back to square one because you won't. Just try and watch for those signs of urgency in order to get certainty or reduce the anxiety.
  13. No, you only keep believing it because it feels real. Trying to remember it doesn't work and you know that. You can just let that thought be there and choose not to do the compulsions. Remember the compulsions are our choice in the matter, the thoughts, images, sensations we experience are not. We can choose not to ruminate and we can choose to not try to figure it out. It doesn't matter if OCD tries the "but this time it's different" tactic, it's still the same mechanisms and the same cycle. Once you stop trying to figure it out and ruminate over it, you are going to find that you don't care about the event/thought at all because its just that a thought. It doesn't have to mean anything. I've found once I've let go of the compulsions I simply don't care and that's not against my values, that's for my values as I don't value compulsions. It is ultimately possible for you to recover from this but in order to do that you need to take the risk that OCD could be right or OCD could be wrong. It's not that simple in practice but the premise is that simple. Get back in the room with your parents and let that thought be there and enjoy visiting your parents despite the thought, despite the feelings, despite this urgency to ruminate and figure it out. Don't avoid everything just for the sake of OCD. Would you believe a random person off the street if they spouted nonsense at you? Of course not. So why not let OCD be that person on the street that you can ignore instead?
  14. I would look at why you are posting pretty much the same thing and repeating parts albeit brief of the story that seems to be the sticking point. I would say at this point you are now seeking certainty, a definitive answer for which you can't give OCD. What you can do is bring up the fact that this is another compulsion you do to your therapist at the next session and hopefully that would be of more use. The problem is we can't give you reassurance on this..by doing so, we don't help you, we end up helping OCD which isn't good. Keep looking for the urgency right before you do the compulsions as it's always a great indicator of it being OCD and something you don't have to engage with.
  15. This is a classic OCD thing. What if it's not OCD? What if its something far worse and the idea of having / being diagnosed with OCD is all an elaborate lie that we are somehow telling ourselves. It's just the same old garbage from OCD to get you to do compulsions. Compulsions that don't work like ruminating and compulsively googling or researching can feel that they bring on more anxiety than they do completely prevent it and that for me at least was because I could never get "an answer" that was enough. It was never and is never enough for OCD. I think its just about paying attention to what your values. Do you value compulsions? Or are you sick and tired of listening to OCD. For me, I simply had enough of the compulsions and all the avoidance and ruminating and checking for arousal that I was doing when it just didn't make sense. No one else without OCD was doing these things and so it was no longer reasonable. Once I did ERP once, it was enough to prove that I can tolerate things without compulsions and so after that I began to trust ERP and I trust it wholeheartedly now. That for me was my motivation. I simply wanted my life back and I was willing to take that risk that OCD could be right, or OCD could be a liar. Do not worry about affecting others around you. You need to concentrate on your own self first. If you aren't getting better then it's probably not helping overall with others around you. Don't push the "worries" away. Bring the intrusive thoughts, images, sensations back up intentionally especially when you get triggered and do a compulsion. It's strange as someone who has experienced mainly harm and sexual intrusive thoughts and images to be utterly unphased by them now when they do happen. That's not to say I've got out of the woods, I haven't. I've had it over the last few days where I get an intrusive thought that I am going to go insane just because I'm congested and that I need to do everything I can to prevent that as that would be bad... OCD is very very weird and really is nonsensical. You're not going to not have these intrusive thoughts, images, sensations etc. ever again as that's not human. I think if you can get to the point where you can accept them even if they are annoying, it's fine. I still don't like experiencing them, it's annoying more than anything else at this point but its only a thought or an image or a sensation. Right now even as I'm typing this response, OCD has me fearing my elbow will lock up and that's causing more attention to the sensations in my arm and yet I'm still doing what I value right now despite that. To me if OCD is manageable, then I can live my life anyway. It doesn't matter how often it wants to pop up, it can be there all day if it wants but it doesn't mean that we can't live our lives. With ERP I've found that it becomes an automatic response rather than something you need to actively spend a lot of energy on over time so it should get a bit less exhausting hopefully for you. Sorry for the ridiculously long response, I have a bit of a tendency to try and cover the points in messages in a clear way but sometimes I ramble
  16. What the previous psychiatrist said was flat out stupid. It is his responsibility as a medical professional to help you not refuse to diagnose you just because you researched what your symptoms were and found information about OCD. Although, I'm not surprised as this happened to me prior to seeing an actual psychologist and psychiatrist where the mental health nurse said a similar thing but told me I had health anxiety even though my intrusive thoughts and images were purely sexual and harm based and I was doing compulsions like compulsive rumination. This should not be happening with a qualified psychiatrist. Ever.
  17. I haven't went through your exact situation but I have dealt / deal with OCD. Have you tried reading self help books to gain a better understanding of how OCD works on you? If not I would recommend break free from OCD which is available both on the OCDUK store and also on shops like Amazon. It might surprise you but this isn't exactly unique to you with what you are dealing with. People with OCD have had contamination with urine l, faeces l, semen, blood - name something that can come out of a human body and OCD will try to make that a huge deal. Take a look at your main compulsion for now just to point out how futile the compulsions are to you. You wash your hands hundreds of times a day, causing injury to yourself and likely causing...your hands to bleed. So by doing the compulsion you not only are reinforcing the intrusive thoughts about blood and contamination but you are also getting an outcome that then directly interacts with the OCD fear - blood. A starting point here is to delay the handwashing each time by 30 seconds or begin to start cutting down on the amount of times you do it slowly. In reality, beyond doing what a normal couple would do without OCD i.e. (both get tested and the if that returns clear still using contraception), then you are in the realm of OCD. If it crops up whilst you are being intimate with your partner (as OCD likes to do with couples and even people who are doing some alone time) then continue that intimacy in spite of OCD. You can respond differently by saying "well maybe I will get or give HIV or maybe it's OCD and it's all lies, oh well, I'm not going to figure it out". Obviously it's way easier said than done but it can be done and it can get better.
  18. Hi again. What he said isn't very helpful that's for sure. However I'd like to point out you are engaging in compulsive reassurance seeking by posting the same thing on multiple forums in order to gain certainty that you didn't do anything wrong when it doesn't matter how often someone would say you did or didn't do something it would never fulfill OCDs demands. It sounds like the person that replied to you on the other forum doesn't really understand OCD and that's not helpful. In the OCD-UK forums, you can probably see that since most of us either have it or have went through it or know someone that has, we would probably tend to understand more than those without. I don't know which other forum it was where you posted and it doesn't matter but what I would recommend is staying to one forum and trying to avoid seeking compulsive reassurance.
  19. Hi. You aren't back to square one you just need to be aware of what happened there... And no I don't mean any potential thing you may have or may not have done. You've been dealing with OCD before and you know it's tricks so I'll spare you the speel on that. However you are doing compulsions in response. You experienced a sexual image that you didn't ask for and didn't have to mean anything but then you started ruminating over it and checking mentally whether you could remember if you did or did not do that. Then you tried self reassurance which also has done nothing. But we know why it hasn't worked right? It's because compulsions don't work. No matter how bad the sexual image must have been to experience, it didn't mean anything. You are able just to leave it alone. OCD took that moment to get you to do the compulsions and as soon as the first reaction starts with "what if" or there is an urgency to find out somehow if you did or didn't do that, recognise it's OCD and stop engaging with it. Next time it pops up (it likely will cause OCD...) Try to just let it be there and acknowledge that the image is there and don't do anything with it in terms of compulsions. The anxiety goes down, you show OCD you think it's stupid (and it is stupid of course) and then it should get a bit easier from there
  20. They go away when you stop paying so much attention to them that's why they aren't as constant. Remember not to judge the groinal response either. If it appears, that's okay, you can let it be there.
  21. have seen it now and my reply doesn't change. Googling is a compulsion that's really not helpful. You need to cut that out too. It's not about whether the therapist is "nice". She may actually be nice but may be stern against the OCD. If you feel she is detrimental to getting better though I'd suggest trying to change therapist. Out of curiosity in what ways is she "not nice"?
  22. I would consider showing your therapist the tread actually as it really demonstrates how caught in the OCD cycle you are. You keep going over this one event and trying to get reassurance on it from people but it doesn't matter what we tell you, OCD will never be satisfied enough to leave it alone. You can only make it less of an issue by stopping the compulsions. It was a past event, no matter what OCD says, it's not like you can control for any potential consequences of that event now. You need to recognise the urgency when you feel like asking for reassurance. The urgency is a good indication that you don't need to get the reassurance as its just trying to benefit OCD. There are similarities actually between you and a few others I've saw with posts in the sense that there is a pattern of posting the whole story time and time again in full in order to try and get someone to say it was or wasn't something, so take that as an indication of OCD is not original. You need to take the risk that your therapist may think those things because whilst that is a possibility, the other possibility is that this is all OCD and you are suffering incredibly badly from it and need to tell your therapist about it so that they can best help you. A further point, do therapy outside of therapy i.e. do the work you do in therapy when you don't have therapy sessions. By this I mean, don't do a bunch of compulsions after doing the therapy session as its counterproductive to the purpose of therapy: you getting better. You've even demonstrated that the content doesn't matter as the themes switch. You've already taken the risk of starting therapy and that's great so why not take the risk of disclosing this stuff (and be honest with the therapist) and see where it gets you. You may feel stupid or embarrassed or ashamed of yourself but its so necessary to be open with the therapist otherwise they don't have the full picture.
  23. I feel it's worth adding a bit more information here to sort of clarify how this works. OCD is targeting anything it knows can get you to do compulsions. It can be anything but for you at the minute it's the triggers of underwear or body parts that are normally hidden like breasts. This is how OCD works though. It doesn't care that you don't want to connect those things together, it just wants you to keep doing compulsions and listening to it because of course OCD must be right. However it's not right. Taking an ERP approach to this is allowing yourself to have that thought in your head and continue whatever you were doing despite it. It's the failed logic of OCD to start making the fact like in your other post that knowing or guessing that someone you know has had sex is wrong to have somehow thought about it or known it. It's OCDs failed logic to suddenly make underwear (that most people wear, even family members) something that is now a massive problem. Obviously take your cultural background into account with OCD too but also I would look at what your values are and what are your beliefs around sex (not where you live and not your families). You should live according to your values whatever they are. So to the above aspects of what you have mentioned, if you enjoy doing that and it's not becoming compulsive in itself, then if you value it there's no reason for you to suddenly stop doing those things because OCD has gave that connection during those activities. Watch out for the small changes in content too. Next time instead of underwear it may be bare feet, hands, lips, ears, hair, literally whatever works to get you to do compulsions. Knowing that this is how OCD is going to work can help you understand the mechanisms of how it works and makes it easier to bypass the content aspect that locks you into compulsions. Hopefully once you get to see the psychiatrist they will be able to help and once you get a therapist you can do ERP properly at your own pace.
  24. I wouldn't say that, you are just dealing with OCD, like the rest of us do/have done.
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