Real event guilt.

[phillev]

I hope people don't hate me for posting this, well hopefully not as much as I hate myself! I've always had a problem with nail picking from as young as I can remember. The guilt comes from the fact that when my children were both young I also used to pick theirs as well and I mean like toddler young which would sometimes make them bleed a little. I feel so ashamed as I type this I could throw up! It was never intentionally done but I just couldn't stop the nail picking habit and when I saw their nails were getting long I'd pick them instead of cutting them. Of course the OCD loves this and insists it's proof I'm a bad person in that I could do such a thing to my kids when they are babies. I don't really have an answer

[phillev]

Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with this please, obviously being a real event scenario is making this so much worse.

[phillev]

Please can anyone who has successfully dealt with a real event guilt OCD issue give me some advice.

[snowbear]

Hi Phillev,

There's a good mantra to remember - 'What's done is done. Learn from it and then let it go.'

So while I can't say what you did in picking your children's nails instead of cutting them was an ok choice, I can say that it's in the past and therefore not something you need to dwell on or beat yourself up over.

Either just put it behind you as a lesson learned that you won't repeat (which is fine and a perfectly ok way to deal with this without the need for ongoing guilt)

OR

use the guilt you feel to help you face up to your obsessive nail picking and stop the behaviour. Then let it go.

[phillev]

Thanks for your reply, the guilt comes from the fact that I did it to them both and didn't learn the lesson over and over again, even doing it when they were both babys, don't get me wrong I didn't make them bleed every time just the odd occasion and they never actually cried over it but that's no excuse. I was weak and should have fought the compulsive behaviour rather than giving in to it! I have a massive issue with nail picking and biting though.

[snowbear]

So, you didn't learn the lesson back then. No matter how many times you've got something wrong in the past it's not a barrier to learning the lesson now. Here and now. So just start over from today. Drop the guilt - hanging onto it serves no useful purpose and only holds you back from making the necessary changes to do better in the future.

Unless of course you've no actual intention of changing your ways. No genuine desire to change at all. In that case hanging onto the guilt serves the 'useful' purpose of convincing you that your deeds are so evil they shouldn't be forgiven or forgotten and you shouldn't be allowed to change and move on. 

Refusing to let go of guilt can be a great way to avoid having to face the truth or find the courage to change.

Of course the only person you're convincing (fooling) is yourself.

And the person the guilt is hurting most is yourself.  Holding onto guilt does hurt those around you too of course - it stops you from being a better person. Stops you from growing and changing and becoming someone fabulous!

So think of it as a choice. Who do you want to wake up with tomorrow and every day for the rest of your life?

A guilt-ridden, constrained, static version of yourself?

Or a hopeful, committed to change, motivated, energy focused version of a new you?

It's your choice where you go from here. Nobody's saying you have to get it right first time, or be perfect, or never again pick or bite your nails.

But if you're trying to change for the better, then you're already a better person just for trying. And with practise you'll get better at succeeding. 

In short, you've nothing to lose by trying than a lifetime carrying unnecessary guilt, carrying out pointless compulsive behaviours,  low self-respect, and sore fingers!

[phillev]

Thanks snowbear, everything you say makes total sense I now have to do my best and implement your advice