Harm ocd with a baby

[Lisa123]

Hi everyone.

i have harm ocd and it’s bothered me pretty much from the day my baby was born. She’s 7 months old now.

i reached my lowest point at 3 months  and got help and started medication and I quickly improved. However I feel I am slipping backwards again as all my old symptoms have come back. It’s hard not to despair.

 

can anyone please share your stories of postnatal ocd or just give me any advice on coping with a setback.

 

thanksb

[Heartly]

Hi Lisa 

sorry you’re struggling. I’m a mum to a 4 year old and for the last couple of months my ocd has come back badly. I also have harm ocd, everything revolves around my daughters well being. 
 

im sorry to not be much help but please know you’re not alone. When I’m at my worse I remind me self this won’t be forever and recently I had some good days, I’ve beaten it before as you have too so we can do it again. Distraction and support for me is essential- I’m also on meds and having therapy x

[Lisa123]

Thanks Heartly thanks for your message. Sorry to hear you suffer too. It’s the worst type of OCD I think.

im on maternity leave so have lots of time to mull things over and that isn’t good. Like you I find distraction really helpful.

what type of therapy are you having and is it helpful?

heidi x

 

 

 

[Heartly]

2 hours ago, Lisa123 said:

Thanks Heartly thanks for your message. Sorry to hear you suffer too. It’s the worst type of OCD I think.

im on maternity leave so have lots of time to mull things over and that isn’t good. Like you I find distraction really helpful.

what type of therapy are you having and is it helpful?

heidi x

 

 

 

Hi Heidi, sorry I just presumed you were called Lisa x

inwas lucky not to suffer badly when my girl was a baby. I think a lot of it was because every day no matter what I did one of her naps on a pram walk - do you do that? That is such a good way for mental health and for them to sleep.

im doing cbt .. it’s sort of helping but I’ve been referred to see a psychiatrist  too.. as I’m on citalopram but may need to change. But I know without the cbt I would be worse off, it’s just taking longer than I had hoped x

[Mini]

I was very bad after my first baby primarily because it was 20 years ago and I didn't know what I had was OCD. I genuinely thought must be going crazy because of my thoughts. I actually decided to go back to work part time early after 7 months which helped a lot for me as I enjoyed my work and it distracted me a lot. 

A routine with lots of set activities like baby music, soft play where I could get out and chat to others was good too.

The winter maybe making you feel a little worse. If so, as the spring approaches you will feel much better. Hope that helps a little.

[Lisa123]

Thanks for the replies ladies, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

 

heartly I too take citalopram 40mg but I am waiting to hear back from my nurse whether it’s going to be increased.

Mini - I too am considering going back to work early as I enjoy my job and definitely need the distraction! 
 

I suffered with ocd badly with my first child but it’s even worse now with my second. I’m hoping it will fade as she gets older like it did with my first because it’s a nightmare

 

[deValentin]

Harm OCD thoughts bother you to such a great extent because you love your child so much. If you were a psychopath you wouldn’t worry about it. The rational part of your brain knows that, but how to persuade the emotional part? It’s when Response Prevention becomes helpful. Acknowledge your “shocking thoughts”. Acknowledging them doesn’t mean consenting to them or giving them meaning. With the passing of time, those thoughts will lose their distressing power. You may tell yourself that by getting accustomed to those thoughts I may run the risk of becoming the person I don’t want to become. This fear stems from a lack of trust in yourself. You fought those awful thoughts for a long time maybe, and got no positive results. Now it’s time to try something else. Move forward and notice all the kind gestures you have towards your child. By and by with positive experiences your faith in yourself and your intentions will rebuild. Don't worry about setbacks. What's important is to see overall progress in the right direction.

[malina]

Hi Lisa,

I'm very sorry you're going to through such a hard time. I don't have children (yet!) but I did struggle with harm OCD for such a long time and got better. I think that ERP helped me a lot, learning to withstand the urges and not running away from them. Once I withstood the initial hell, I saw that the urges lessened in intensity and things improved. Harm OCD made my life hell, I was terrified of being home alone because I thought I would hurt myself. Now, I haven't even had these intrusions for over a year, maybe even more, and my life has gone back to normal. I would say that it would help to identify the compulsions you're doing and then to try and withstand the urges without doing these compulsions as much as you can. Go from there and built up. Best of luck!

[Heartly]

3 minutes ago, malina said:

I'm very sorry you're going to through such a hard time. I don't have children (yet!) but I did struggle with harm OCD for such a long time and got better. I think that ERP helped me a lot, learning to withstand the urges and not running away from them. Once I withstood the initial hell, I saw that the urges lessened in intensity and things improved. Harm OCD made my life hell, I was terrified of being home alone because I thought I would hurt myself. Now, I haven't even had these intrusions for over a year, maybe even more, and my life has gone back to normal. I would say that it would help to identify the compulsions you're doing and then to try and withstand the urges without doing these compulsions as much as you can. Go from there and built up. Best of luck!

Malina this is such good advice. I re read a couple of times. That’s great to know you overcame harm ocd - as I’m a sufferer - basically I worry about my child’s safety and well being non stop. So I guess the trick is to not do the compulsions or at least limit 

mine range from re checking something (like medicine is up high) to worrying I’ve not said something right (compulsion is to keep repeating which isn’t healthy! ) to worrying I did something on purpose (compulsion thinking and googling) xx

 

[malina]

13 minutes ago, Heartly said:

Malina this is such good advice. I re read a couple of times. That’s great to know you overcame harm ocd - as I’m a sufferer - basically I worry about my child’s safety and well being non stop. So I guess the trick is to not do the compulsions or at least limit 

mine range from re checking something (like medicine is up high) to worrying I’ve not said something right (compulsion is to keep repeating which isn’t healthy! ) to worrying I did something on purpose (compulsion thinking and googling) xx

 

I think you're also just trying to control everything in your environment to keep your child safe, but you can't possibly eliminate every single danger. I bet there is a lot of catastrophising in here too, where you imagine the worst possible outcome. I think you need to shift your thinking to realise that you can't control everything, that accidents are a normal part of life and that, should something happen, you will deal with it.

Like what if your child got hold of some medicine? Not great, but they would start showing signs of something being wrong, and you could get help.

You see what I mean?

[Heartly]

4 hours ago, malina said:

I think you're also just trying to control everything in your environment to keep your child safe, but you can't possibly eliminate every single danger. I bet there is a lot of catastrophising in here too, where you imagine the worst possible outcome. I think you need to shift your thinking to realise that you can't control everything, that accidents are a normal part of life and that, should something happen, you will deal with it.

Like what if your child got hold of some medicine? Not great, but they would start showing signs of something being wrong, and you could get help.

You see what I mean?

Yes you’re v right. I completely am imagining the worse case scenario in everything here and I find it hard to stop. I need to stop thinking like this and doing the compulsions as both feed each other. I wasn’t always this way (well bits and bobs but it was manageable) I’m really trying to ‘get better’ xxx

[Lisa123]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Really appreciate it.

Malina - what do you mean by ‘withstanding the urges’? I’d give anything to get rid of the urges to hurt my baby as they are v disturbing and distressing. If my baby moves in a certain way while I’m having the urges eg her head wobbles then I worry I’ve hurt her and then the compulsions start ie - I do a mental checklist that she’s behaving normally. She is always fine and I feel relief… until the  next Time it happens.

it’s a horrible thing to have.

 

[Heartly]

10 hours ago, Lisa123 said:

do a mental checklist that she’s behaving normally. She is always fine and I feel relief… until the  next Time it happens.

it’s a horrible thing to have.

I completely understand this.. just ask yourself.. what would someone without ocd do?

see I get like this with rashes - if I see any spot on my child I go into panic mode (sometimes I know I haven’t even seen them!) it’s hard but I have to tell myself it’s ocd and that if anything was wrong I would know. 
 

also, I don’t know if this helps but when my girl was born (luckily I didn’t have bad ocd then) a midwife told me babies are born to survive, it’s their instinct - it’s all a newborn knows. And for some reason that helped me straight away and I let my mother instinct take over.  Have faith in yourself (I say this while going through bad ocd myself but I’m trying too) xx

[malina]

12 hours ago, Lisa123 said:

Thanks for the replies everyone. Really appreciate it.

Malina - what do you mean by ‘withstanding the urges’? I’d give anything to get rid of the urges to hurt my baby as they are v disturbing and distressing. If my baby moves in a certain way while I’m having the urges eg her head wobbles then I worry I’ve hurt her and then the compulsions start ie - I do a mental checklist that she’s behaving normally. She is always fine and I feel relief… until the  next Time it happens.

it’s a horrible thing to have.

 

what I mean is that you need to stop trying to get rid of the urges and stop doing safety behaviours like doing the mental checklist that your baby is okay. I know it's really hard and distressing, but you just have to let yourself experience the urges without trying to run away from them or make them better. When you check that your baby is okay after having an urge or intrusive harm thoughts, it only reinforces the idea that these urges and thoughts are real and dangerous. If you just try to experience them and let them be, you will eventually learn that they aren't harmful or important. I think the main thing to remember is that with OCD, the only way out is through. We have to experience our anxiety to teach ourselves that it isn't meaningful. I know it's very difficult but so worthwhile when you come out on the other side.

[Lisa123]

1 hour ago, malina said:

what I mean is that you need to stop trying to get rid of the urges and stop doing safety behaviours like doing the mental checklist that your baby is okay. I know it's really hard and distressing, but you just have to let yourself experience the urges without trying to run away from them or make them better. When you check that your baby is okay after having an urge or intrusive harm thoughts, it only reinforces the idea that these urges and thoughts are real and dangerous. If you just try to experience them and let them be, you will eventually learn that they aren't harmful or important. I think the main thing to remember is that with OCD, the only way out is through. We have to experience our anxiety to teach ourselves that it isn't meaningful. I know it's very difficult but so worthwhile when you come out on the other side.

Thanks so much for this. I know this is the way forward but it’s so hard to do. I will try really hard not to do the safety seeking behaviour after an urge. I also sometimes seek reassurance that I haven’t hurt my baby and I know I need to stop this too! 

[Lisa123]

Hi Malina do you think if I stop doing the compulsions the urges to hurt my baby will eventually lessen? I’ve fought obsessions before by stopping the compulsions and this has had the effect of the obsessions disappearing. I’m just struggling to manage to stop the compulsions this time .

[malina]

3 hours ago, Lisa123 said:

Hi Malina do you think if I stop doing the compulsions the urges to hurt my baby will eventually lessen? I’ve fought obsessions before by stopping the compulsions and this has had the effect of the obsessions disappearing. I’m just struggling to manage to stop the compulsions this time .

I do think so, this is what helped me. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done! I went through hell with this and the urges were targetted at myself, I can't imagine how hard it is when it's about your little baby that you adore. Don't rush it, take baby steps and be gentle with yourself. Are you getting therapy? I found that doing ERP with a therapist in a more structured way helped too. Ultimately though, this is the way, you need to train your brain that these thoughts are meaningless, then you will stop reacting to them.

My therapist also taught me about mindfulness to help manage the anxiety during these episodes when the urges were strong. Essentially, he told me to focus on how the anxiety feels physically and where I feel it in my body (e.g., stomach pain, tight chest etc). The idea was to see that, while the anxiety feels all consuming, it's really just a bunch of physical feelings like any other.

Also, basic things like self care, trying to stay engaged in activities etc helped a lot. I know it can be hard with a baby but maybe there are some things you can think about to get yourself out of the house and doing things.

[Lisa123]

Thanks Malina your replies help me a lot.

I did have some therapy  (erp) but I f out d it triggered me so much that I had to give it up.

i am planning on going back to work early and joining a local baby and toddler group soon to get me out and about more .

[Handy]

It's called Postpartum OCD. We have topics on it.  

I believe it's a hormone fluctuation, estrogen. In USA a woman can see a gyno & get something for it.  Something to normalize the hormone fluctuation. 

[Heartly]

13 hours ago, Lisa123 said:

Thanks Malina your replies help me a lot.

I did have some therapy  (erp) but I f out d it triggered me so much that I had to give it up.

i am planning on going back to work early and joining a local baby and toddler group soon to get me out and about more .

Never underestimate daily pram works too, sounds like you’re doing really well with being proactive:)

[Lisa123]

8 hours ago, Heartly said:

Never underestimate daily pram works too, sounds like you’re doing really well with being proactive:)

Hi I do try to take baby out for a walk daily - more for my sanity than hers!

im hoping i will start to see improvement once i stop doing the compulsions (well, try to). It’s got so bad that I’ve considered giving my baby up for adoption but obviously I don’t want things to come to that.

[Heartly]

1 minute ago, Lisa123 said:

It’s got so bad that I’ve considered giving my baby up for adoption but obviously I don’t want things to come to that.

Im so sorry. This is 100 per cent the worse ocd I’ve ever had too x