Sean87

Hi! Thanks for your reply. OK, I’ll post the message below – thank you! Oh, and I’m not actually a new member – been on here since 2012! – although I’ve posted very little during this time and only used the site intermittently, just browsing through threads without contributing much myself in search of comfort during particularly bad OCD spells. All the best! Sean Hey! Sorry for not putting this up sooner; I've had a busy Sunday! Anyway, here it comes: "Hi Cub! My name’s Sean. I was going to write that you don't know me - and you don't, of course ? - but I just had a quick glance at my very limited activity on here since 2012 and noticed that, actually, you replied to my first-ever post, bidding me welcome, so I guess we're not complete strangers! ? Anyway, like you, I have OCD, and while I've never really been totally free from it in my adult life except for a few short periods, I've experienced a couple of worse-than-usual relapses recently. This has made me revisit the forums to remind myself that what I am experiencing really is OCD and that I am not alone, not even regarding the particular type of OCD that I deal with, which is religious OCD. Browsing the forums, and being especially attentive to religious OCD content, I've come across your posts regularly. You seem to be quite active on here at the moment and, if you don't mind me saying, to be going through a bit of a difficult time OCD-wise yourself. You write well about this, clearly and openly, and you seem like a friendly person. I have often thought it could be really helpful to find someone with the same type of OCD as the one I struggle with (not that I'd wish it even on my worst enemy) and to have regular conversations with him or her on Skype, Zoom or similar about our experiences, thoughts, perspectives, tips, etc. in relation to religious OCD. Basically, I’m writing to hear if you might be up for giving this a try. If you are not, then that is obviously completely fine! But yeah, what I have in mind is basically a sort of 2-person support ‘group’ for discussing all the peculiarities of religious OCD in particular, as I believe it’s one of the trickier ‘expressions’ of OCD to deal with, intertwining as it does with genuine considerations about the nature of reality, of divinity and the spiritual, morality etc. This is not to belittle anybody else’s experiences with OCD – I know it is always horrible! – but for me personally, as someone whose OCD has latched on to many different things, religious OCD has definitely been the most challenging. For this reason, I know I could really use knowing and speaking to someone once in a while who really understands what it feels like trying to cope with religious OCD. And who knows, it might just help lead to recovery for both parties, or at least the closest attainable thing to it!? As I said, Cub, if this isn’t something you’re interested in, that is 100% fine, obviously. There could well be someone else on here I could ask in that case, but you do seem like the ideal 'candiate'! ? Anyway, give it a think, and whatever you decide on: thank you for reading, and sincerely, the very best of luck in dealing with your OCD! Sean

Hi Cub, We suffer from a very similar form of OCD (religious) and I just attempted to send you a message with regards to this, but it looks like you don't allow messages from people on here. That's obviously totally fine, but I'm wondering if you'd allow me to send you it some other way, or alternatively just post it below? I apologise if this is unwanted/unwelcome and a 'no' will obviously be fully accepted and respected. All the best, Sean

Hello everyone, I haven't posted on here for a while, but I've dropped in now and again, on particularly bad days, to remind myself that I'm not alone in having to deal with unwanted obsessions and cumbersome compulsions day in, day out. That's what I was doing this morning, but I then decided to go ahead and start a topic about the obsession currently bothering me, as it threatens to ruin my whole day. Basically, I'm a student and need to hand in some important work in a few weeks (got a special extension, hence the summer deadline). As there's been a lot of stuff going on lately, I haven't had the time or right frame of mind to settle down and get started on this work... until today! However, today is August 6th. My religious/blasphemous OCD puts the idea in my head that starting a big, important paper on the 6th - 6 being a 'bad' number because of 666 being 'the number of the beast' - is sacrilege, that the whole of my paper will be 'damned' if I do so and, in extension, perhaps the rest of my university career, maybe my whole life... Now, I'm not looking for reassurance that this won't happen, because that'll only give me short-term relief and won't be very helpful in the long run. Besides, deep down I know that it's just my OCD - a chemical imbalance in my brain, basically - making me have these thoughts. Nonetheless, they won't go away and I'm left paralysed in front of a stack of unopened books. If anybody has any tips or helpful info on this particular kind of Pure-O (that has to be what it is, right? Obsessing over a number and its connotations, then mentally dealing with the anxiety it produces by performing a ritual, i.e. do nothing till the date changes), then I'd really appreciate it if you'd share them with me, as I don't feel strong enough this time to ignore that OCD feeling of dread and get on with my work. Book recommendations would also be really appreciated, as religious/blasphemous OCD is something I struggle with generally. Also, it'd be nice to hear from people who deal with the same kind of OCD as me and can relate to what I've written above (although, obviously, I wouldn't want for anyone to have the same burdensome thoughts as I do). Thanks in advance, everyone... I hope you're all being more successful at fighting back against OCD today than I am! Sean x

Hi Sarah, Thank you once again for another friendly and informative post. The Veale and Willson book is the one I'll be getting, then, and I'll be sure to check out those articles as well - thanks so much for all these recommendations! As I wrote in an earlier post, I'm still at uni, so don't worry about Dr Phillipson's dry, academic style being a problem - I'm currently far too used to that kind of writing, I'm afraid! With regards to the Pure 'O' thing, I'm not literally pure 'O' but almost... probably 95% Pure 'O', as I do have a few problems with checking, hand washing (though this is minor) etc. It definitely is a silly name for it, though! I will be sure to let you know how I find the book and the articles, Sarah - THANK YOU! Thanks very much, Zee - I do feel very welcome... hugely welcome, in fact! I hope no one's letting their OCD get them down! Sean x

Well, you're right: those aren't exactly my main OCD problems. Having said that, my OCD has come in various shapes and forms over the years and, when it suddenly comes back to rear its ugly head (I go through periods, you see, where it doesn't play up too much), it might arrive in a different guise. I've never had intrusive thoughts of a violent or sexual nature but I did go through a period once where intrusive thoughts with a blasphemous content would make things a bit difficult for me now and again (there's still a remnant of this, actually, cf. my sometime 'habit' of rereading specific 'bad' words, such as 'Satan', 'demon' etc. a certain number of times – see my 2nd post in this thread). I've had a few other experiences with intrusive thoughts but these have been quite minor. However, my OCD is primarily 'inside my head' – what some people call 'Pure-O', though I tend to avoid this term as I find it very misleading, seeing as I still do rituals to relieve anxiety, only these rituals are, as it were, 'mental' (in more ways than one! ) I generally don't do anything physical to relive anxiety but I still do something, only it's in my mind – my rereading of certain words a specific number of times in order to make the (admittedly irrational) fear/anxiety go away is, once more, a good example, I think. In short, I suppose my OCD is of a quite 'general' kind, so you're probably right that I ought to get a book that's more of a general introduction to OCD and CBT. Is that the one you'd recommend me to get, then, The Veale and Willson one? Thank you once again, Sarah, for your kindness and helpfulness! Thanks very much to you too, Cub! I must say I've been feeling a lot better since I started writing on the forum. It feels really good to get your thoughts, worries and questions out (especially because you can really see how silly they actually are once you type them out) and to know that there's people on here who'll read them and who'll respond because they actually care and know where you're coming from! I almost feel bad for posting on here because I can tell that there are people who are in a rather more difficult situation OCD-wise than I am... hopefully I'll be able to offer my help to them one day soon. I hope everyone's coping all right with their OCD today - just hang in there! Sean x

Hello again Sarah, Thank you for another earnest reply and for your book recommendations! The kind of perfectionism you've been dealing with (I'm glad to hear it's in the past!) doesn't really seem to be the same kind as the one I sometimes experience. Despite generally faring well at exams etc., I'm not really too fuzzed about the grades I receive and don't beat myself up too much about the occasional subpar grade... that, at least, is not an issue for me! My 'perfectionism' is more of a personal, mental kind, completely entwined with my OCD, and has more to do with - in keeping with the whole reading thing - getting the 'perfect' reading experience and the 'perfect' and 'proper' understanding of what I'm reading etc. However, my 'perfectionism' (perhaps there's a more apt word for it) will show itself in other situations as well; it's not just restricted to reading but might pop up when I'm doing even the most mundane tasks, like showering, getting dressed, cooking - whatever, really! When it pops up in situations like these, it very easily feels like I'm doing things 'wrongly', or indeed 'imperfectly', which then causes me some anxiety. It's not easy to explain but perhaps there's somebody out there who gets my drift and who'd like to elaborate? The first book you suggest probably isn't too relevant for me, then (though I could be wrong?!), but the second one sounds very interesting and I will definitely check it out! I've also had an eye on these two titles: David Clark and Christine Purdon - 'Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD' and Dr. Penzel - 'Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders: A Complete Guide to Getting Well and Staying Well' Are you familiar with these and, if so, how would you say they compare to the second of your recommendations? This is a very specific question and might be a bit of a drag to answer, so don't worry if you're not up for replying to that one! I hope no one's struggling too badly with their OCD today! Sean x

Hi Sarah, Thank you very much for the warm welcome and for taking the time to read and reply to my rather long post. I'm a big reader myself and am currently at uni studying literature, so it's good to know I'm talking to someone who knows exactly where I'm coming from. My OCD does interfere with my reading, I'm afraid, but it could be a lot worse, I suppose. Generally speaking, I have a tendency to reread certain lines if, e.g., it feels as if I've read them 'wrongly' (which can mean many different things), plus reread specific 'bad' words, such as 'Satan', 'demon' etc., a certain number of times - reading (sometimes just looking at) words of this kind either 3, 6, 7 or 9 times makes me feel quite uncomfortable, so I always make sure to read them either once less or once more than that. Besides this annoying 'habit', what I described in my first post - the anxiety and consequent compulsions connected with the prospect of starting on a new 'grand' work of literature that I've been looking forward to digging into for a long time - is something I find myself dealing with now and again, but this obsessive 'setting the stage' for something isn't really restricted to reading; it 'kicks in' at other times as well... Does any of this sound familiar to you, Sarah, or to someone else out there? God, it feels so strange to actually put down in words how my OCD affects me, what my thought patterns are etc. - I'm sure non-sufferers would think I was nuts! Anyway, thanks for your advice, Sarah - I agree that 'settling' for the 'good enough' reading experience, as you phrase it, is the way to go. I have got much better at this over the last few years, though, and the hypersensitivity to noise and other distractions only really 'occurs' when I'm trying to get that perfect start to a new 'great' novel (I suppose it could just as well be a film, or something else that I wanted to experience 'perfectly' and 'to the full')... I hope I'm making sense! I hope no one out there is having too bad an OCD day... Sean x

Hello everyone, When I discovered that I had OCD roughly a year and a half ago, I dropped in on the forum now and then, on days when I felt particularly bad, in order to get that reassurance that I'm sure a lot of us come here for - that sense of not being the only one dealing with anxiety that just won't go away, with unwanted obsessions and unwelcome thoughts whose persistent presence means that it is impossible to get anything much done. I never created an account; I would just browse the various threads and feel both relief and sympathy simultaneously - relief that I was not alone in feeling the way I did and sympathy for my fellow sufferers, many of whom seemed to be in a considerably darker place than myself. I have since been through some psychiatric counselling and a course of Citrolopram, which I must say was quite effective, but have recently stopped with both (I weened myself off the Citrolopram, gradually decreasing my dosage for close to a month). My reason for coming off them is that I am feeling better and much more up for the fight now than I was 18 months ago. Sure enough, the fight has already begun and, so, I've decided to return to the forum and become a proper member this time! I've been having a pretty bad day OCD-wise today, triggered (as is often the case) by the fact that something important, at least to my mind, was happening: I'd decided to begin reading the first volume of a large work of literature that I'd been looking forward to getting started on for a long time and - as per usual - everything had to be perfect: I wanted to write my name and the date on the first page of the book (itself an OCD-related 'neatness' thing) but my favourite pen was almost out of ink and I didn't want to borrow one off one of my housemates, as it had to be my pen because, as far as I was concerned (maybe this is an OCD thing as well), commencing reading this work of literature was an important event in my life and using someone else's pen would be to add to that first page - to the whole volume, I suppose - somebody else's 'aura' or 'spirit', for lack of a better word. This made me attempt to track down just the right kind of pen on a bank holiday Monday, when most shops are closed, and - unsurprisingly - I was unsuccessful... I had to use the pen that was running low on ink (seeing as borrowing one was, stupidly, out of the question). In the meantime, however, I had become dissatisfied with colour of the ink as well... it should be blue, not black - black was not right somehow! It took a lot of strenght, then, to write my name (very meticulously, of course) in weak ink of the wrong colour and, sure enough, I felt as if I'd wrecked my brand new and quite expensive copy of a great work of literature with my 'imperfect' handwriting and the 'horrible' black colour of the thin, almost patchy ink I'd been 'forced' to use. I could go on about my anxiety and OCD about this book - I wanted complete silence when I began reading it, for example, so as to get the perfect start to my literary adventure but, of course, I was interrupted, or created interruptions for myself (one of my housemates was slamming their door too hard, 'Maybe I'll need the toilet in a few minutes" etc. - but I'll leave it at this because I've already written WAY to much, especially for a first post. Anyway, I hope what I've put down has given you an idea of who I am and of the nature of my OCD... I shall be writing again and hope to be able to help both myself and many others deal with the pest that is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Hang in there, everyone! Sean x