Labbetuss

I guess I feel I needed to. It was very cleansing in a way. And to be honest, I don't I would've been able to get any help if I didn't.

I guess I should clarify that I have been to therapy for several obsessions, I just never dared to mention the sexual ones etc. I just thinking leavin out that part has sabotaged my treatment to some degree. I recently started talking about it in therapy , both to my former therapist and to psychologists and psychiatrist trying to get me help and now I might actually get it, but it just pains to know all the parts that need to be involved and hear about it now that it's done. I also feel like I shouldn't because I view this as a health issue just like any other and I shouldn't feel more ashamed than other people in need of help, but I just do. but thanks for the link anyway.

I've always been reluctant to share my worst sexual obessions with professionals and I think it's sabotaged me in getting help somehow. The idea of getting referals and my obsessions being sent around to strangers makes me extremely uneasy, but would it be possible to even get help without that happening? I think I feel sooo much shame related to my obsessions and responses to them that I still think getting help for it in any way will be possible. Has anyone else had the same issue?

I can relate to this. I know we shouldn't really think in themes, but I've just never encountered anyone with this theme before. I've seen so many doubt their relationship, some their orientation or idenity, but I've felt like I was the only person who doubted everything. I felt like it went full circle at some point though and I just became numb to it in a way.

My question was mostly related to POCD. Like I understand that anyone could be like "Maybe I could [insert horrible thought]" and though that thought would be horrible they'd push it away, but thoughts about children I don't understand how anyone could really brush off or just go back to life after that. I think I made the mistake when I was told I had OCD the first time to feel relief that it wasn't really me and I was not my thoughts, but I also saw what I had as a disorder and not something normal everyone went through. And I guess I feel a bit worried that people who never had OCD also have these thoughts and they aren't affected by them or have their lives ruined by it. On the other hand, I've had several themes from harm to existential to Real event to meta (I guess) and all of them felt very severe and those thoughts took up most of my life, whereas the POCD thoughts don't. It's just that thinking them once ruins any chance at living and the groinal responses are pretty unbearable too even if they aren't constant. So in severity the other themes have always been more troubling, but the occasional groinal reponses and thoughts in the POCD theme feel a lot worse when they actually are there. So I'm wondering what it'd be like if I didn't have the other themes and only had the POCD ones if I would qualify for the disorder of if I'd just be a person without OCD with their life basically ruined. And that might be the case at some point because I feel like I'm slowly learning to cope with the other themes at the moment, but the POCD theme just seems hard to cope with. I also find it very hard to even talk about in therapy.

Thanks. That makes sense.

As in people without OCD don't get groinal responses/POCD intrusive thoughts?

I guess I struggle a bit to find the difference between having OCD (pure O in particular) and not having OCD. I'm not sure if this is reassurance seeking, but I struggle to find where the lines goes. A huge trigger for me is when people say "everyone has intrusive thoughts" and that way I struggle to see the difference between people who have OCD and those who don't. Especially when it comes to POCD and groinal responses. Does everyone get those kind of intrusive thoughts and does everyone get groinal responses?

Thanks for your reply! Was there anyone saying it wouldn't. I have no idea where this idea comes from, but it seems to be quite popular around here. Unless I've misunderstood and my OCD symptoms are really just ASD.

My diagnosis is having OCD and being on the autism spectrum co-morbidly. I'm sure if I really believe that it's the case and I just get more confused, but I'm fine with it though if that's the case. One thing I've heard though is that ERP doesn't work if you have Asperger's on the side. Has anyone heard anything about this and is there a reason?

This didn't really work out well. I pretty much knew it wouldn't. It seems my therapist thinks I have Asperger's, and I'm not really sure if he means I have it co-morbid with OCD or if he thinks all my symptoms are Asperberger's. Then I guess I need to know the difference and it's gonna be hard to accept that a diagnosis I had for so long was the wrong one. I guess what I feel like is that I have some sort of amnesia (not actual amnesia), but I get the feeling that if I don't have OCD all my memories are wrong and it wasn't actually me having them or something like that. When I read about Asperger's I don't actually recognise that in me though.

I hope I'm not posting too much in this thread. I had some sort of a breakthrough yesterday, but it might be the opposite. I've been thinking of trying to get my files or epicrisis from my first therapist who diagnosed me with ocd and get my current therapist to look at them. I just hope he won't be mad at me for bringing it up again. I often feel like I'm beating a dead horse. The last few years I feel like I've tricked my mind into not doing things I want to do, and I want to find a way to trick it back, but I feel like that might be dangerous in some way. I feel like if my therapist sees from my past that I did have ocd I will either still have it or be "cured" (if that's even possible). Maybe I can trick myself into thinking I'm doing better and continue doing what I used to do before 2018. Maybe if I'll trick myself that them saying I didn't have ocd actually helped me in some way I can get better. Writing this I realize it sounds a bit too far, but yesterday I felt like it was idea and I got some hope that my life could come back. And i felt good for a while.

I feel like it has. I think for years I treated it like it's OCD and tried to live with the uncertainty of it, but that also means not getting treatment for it. I guess that makes me feel hopeless. I'm, when unemployed, realize that it's these thoughts and wanting to be sure I've had/have OCD that is causing me distress for the most part. It also ruins my ability to concentrate and stay calm. One thing that I think is important is: My intrusive thoughts started at 15 or 16 and from that on my compulsions and rituals would take up most of my time and I would give up making new friends and I would basically give up any kind of normal life. Ever starting a family or having any type of career felt out of the question for me. It would take a while until I went to see someone for this. I was diagnosed with OCD at 23 and something crazy and almost overwhelming happened to me. Knowing I had a disorder (and that I was not my thoughts) made me feel like there was hope and that I could get better. I suddenly started getting hopes for the future and started thinking of having jobs and what not. It was like I had lost seven years of my life and I was now ready to start my life again. I had ten free therapy sessions and after that I didn't try to get into ERP or something like that (which I probably should've). I decided to stop doing my compulsions and rituals on my own. I think I was quite focused on getting better and getting my life back on track. So when I at 25 started relapsing and getting stuck on new themes I didn't really know what to do, because I felt like I was doing so well, but I always had the hopes that I things could get better and I had to continue with my education and fight my OCD at the same time. My intrusive thoughts at the time were very different, they were more existential and less harm or magical and I felt like they almost made sense since I had lost so many years of my life it was hard to know I even was anymore. My dreams when I was first diagnosed had been so euphoric and I was worrying I was going down the wrong path just because of dreams I had when I had lots of hope and didn't actually evaluate my choices. Maybe that was one of the reasons I felt like giving up everything in my life and just focus on my OCD treatment. I guess I'm at an age where most people my age start to form families and get secure jobs and I feel like there's still such a gap in my life that I can't deal with those things, so there aren't many things to focus on to get my mind off the OCD diagnosis thing. I guess I'm just rambling now. I always felt though that my recovery and making plans for my life were intertwined, so it feels like I can't have one without the other. thanks for the your suggestions. I've always wanted to try yoga, but I never really looked into it.

It feels though like the past means more than the present at the moment. That if I could get it verified 100 % that I did have OCD, or alternatively what else that made life what it was I'd be able to move on in some way, but the latter would still be awful to me as most of my life would still feel like a waste of time. I just wonder what would happen if I got that confirmation, would I be able to move on? If I did in fact get it confirmed that I did have OCD, would I stop thinking about that and move on to another theme? Would I just doubt that it was true?

I guess there was some mind of misunderstanding. I was sent a letter that I was going to start treatment, but it didn't say anything how the treatment would be like. I guess I was rather naive to not think there would be some sort of evaluation. I thought I had already started the treatment when I was there. And I met three people and felt very intimidated and didn't really say anything regarding my symptoms and then two of them went out of the room and I could finally talk to the third person. And then the two came back and had concluded I didn't have OCD. They also said they only focused on OCD so I they couldn't give me an alternative diagnosis.

It's been a while since I posted here. I used to post here a lot in 2013 and 2016 and 2017. I have had huge struggles with intrusive thoughts, magical thinking and rituals for most of my life. I think the time I posted here I felt at some point I was really recovering and in the latter years that I was in a really bad place. In 2018 my life got completely turned upside down. I was probably at my worst at the time and I got an appointment with the only OCD specialists in my area. I was called in to an appointment and I was so excited because it was something I had dreamed of for years. When I got there I completely freaked out and didn't know what to say to them. I felt really put on the spot, but I was really hoping we would take it slowly and I could dig deeper into a trust relationship where I dared talking about my intrusive thoughts. Before I even got to say anything it was concluded that I didn't have OCD. I was devastated. I was shaking for months and I didn't know what to do at all. I was 28 The thoughts and rituals had taken up about half of my life. And at the time I felt like now my story and account of my own life was taken away as well and I had lost my own life twice. Afterwards the intrusive thoughts got even worse and I was a mess basically. Four months later I was given a new therapist. In the meantime, I started thinking "what if they're right? what if I've never had OCD and I just made it up?" , I had had similar thoughts before, but they were never verified by proffessionals before and I would start obsessing about this most of my woken hours. At the times that I would get my occasional old intrusive thoughts I'd feel relief rather than the usual anxiety and at that point everything is turned around, because at that point they don't really stick, which only brings more doubt. When I started seeing the new therapist, I started feeling that I was only there for reassurance that I did in fact have OCD. I also started wondering if I had miracously recovered and wondered if recovery felt that horrible. After some session where we got nowhere I was told it didn't work and I couldn't go there anymore. After that I started shaking a lot again and it felt like some sort of crisis that there was just no solution to. I would several times try to see new therapists, but they would tell me to stop wasting their time. Which would just crush me even more. After some trial I found a therapist that did take me seriously at least, but I still felt as if I was only seaking reassurance. He did say that I had OCD because of my intrusive thoughts, but that it wasn't very severe. He also said that I suffered from depression and social anxiety. I felt a little reassurance for a while, but realized I didn't fully believe him so the cycle started again. I suppose it's the corona that virus that has made this all worse. I did something rather stupid, before I went to see the OCD specalists. I was so excited of finally getting help that I decided to give up everything else in my life and just focus on recovery, something that in retrospect seems very stupid. It made the rejection feel like even an even harder blow. I didn't really have anything to fall back on and going back to my hobbies, education or career felt meaningless. The only pursuit it feels like I have is being sure I have OCD and I feel like I'm almost in some paradox. Because this pursuit and reassurance seeking does feel like OCD to me, but if it is I probably do need help for it, so I feel quite helpless when I don't get it. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice for this?

Another thing I notice is that I feel kind of a relief in times when I feel really bad because it makes me feel like I have feelings and there are certain things like my mood that I can't control when I start to doubt everything I feel somewhat emotionless and I worry that I could be able to control my feelings until they don't exist.

I still feel pretty much stuck. I think the best solution would to have something to occupy my time with. One thing that makes me sad is that I used to love spending time with myself and now I feel very dependent on others. I feel like this is mostly because I'm not sure what to do when I'm alone. I guess it also makes me feel a bit clingy and worried about being alone too much.

The problem is that i don't feel like doing anything because i'm not sure if I want to or not, it's like I'm in some loop or a vicious circle.

But it feels worse and not relieving, shouldn't there be some kind of relief in compulsions? Maybe a lot of this has to do with the modern age and having access to so many things, but here's an example: If I ask myself "do I really like this Tv show?" and i watch it just to see it if I like it or not, is that a compulsion, if I watch it just to see if I like it or not and feel relief when I do? And if I don't watch it is that some kind of avoidance?

I am kind of switching between many themes at the moment and I feel like they all sort of contradict each other, but I don't think I go more than maybe three days without this theme. I think I usually know what I should do to deal with most other themes (even if I can't), but with this one I just don't know what to do. Therapy usually makes me feel like things are gradually getting better, but I it didn't really happen with this theme.

For the last two years I've been having a doubt theme and every little thing can be a trigger for me to start doubting everything. The doubts are about what I like, what I want to do and what matters to me etc. This is also a theme that has a somewhat "positive" effect as I get really excited if I get excited for something. But most of the time when I'm stuck in this theme I just spend my time questioning everything and analyzing everything an unlike most other themes I can't recognize what is a compulsion and what is not and I'm stuck wondering what I actually am going to do. I'm currently not seeing a therapist, but I feel like it didn't help much when I did. Anyone had similar themes that have any ideas for what I should do?

I've had something similar. I think you're correct in that the answer is to click it and let it go.

It's crazy how this theme sort of disappears for a while and then strikes back with more power and then I just ruminate the hell out of it, trying to find answers and I can't stop it. I'm constantly trying to get clarity of what I said, who was there and when it was. I don't know how I can ever get in to the mindset that what I said doesn't matter.

Thanks for your response, I think you're in that I need to accept the fear. I think the hardest part is separating compulsions and obsession and what is real and what is just thoughts. I have definitely gotten a confirmation compulsion that I need to overthink and confirm that what I like what I am doing. If I listen to a song I like I need to praise it to myself and tell myself how much I love it and how great it is and then again I start to question "sure I know I like this song, but why do i need to listen to it then? Do I enjoy it? No.". I think what I've always liked doing is listening to records, and it has always included compulsions that ruined the experience of listening to them. I would need to listen to them in a specific order and when I did I could again enjoy listening to them, but now that the compulsion is based on confirming that I like these records, the joy I get out of listening to them is gone. Also, when I was a teenager I used to dream of being in a band I would lie awake trying to sleep and think of how cool it'd be to be in a band and make records and see how your fans reacted to your new record. It was something that started at 13 and which I would do well into my 20s and I guess I still do it at 27 to some degree. It could be a pleasant escape to dream of something and have hopes for something. Maybe what changed this is that I actually started a band and then I got sort of disillusioned, having actually played in a band and now I don't need to dream about it anymore. And I also feel sort of silly dreaming about things. My mind has been occupied with so many worries and fears that I've either escaped from them by dreaming or I haven't gotten the chance to dream. Now when I try to sleep I either still worry about something or I think "I guess this is fine, what should I think about now?". Compared to always being worried and always being anxious it sounds like a pleasant thing, but it feels extremely boring and emotionless. I also find my master's thesis to be pretty meaningless. It's interesting to some degree, but I don't think of it as something I will think about in the future or whatever. I just kind of want to be done with it and not look back and be relieved that I don't have to do that ever again. I know it's not a healthy view, but I guess that's how I feel. When I read books on OCD and tips on what to do. There's always some idea that you need to stop doing compulsion and continue your life and what you're doing. But then I have to ask myself, what? What am I doing? I feel completely blank. And the idea of having something to do makes me incredibly sad, because I feel like a lot of people don't do whatever they have to or want to do because of their compulsion and that they are limiting themselves from their actual occupations, but to me doing compulsion is at least SOMETHING. I just keep on thinking in circles.