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  1. I hope I'm not posting too much in this thread. I had some sort of a breakthrough yesterday, but it might be the opposite. I've been thinking of trying to get my files or epicrisis from my first therapist who diagnosed me with ocd and get my current therapist to look at them. I just hope he won't be mad at me for bringing it up again. I often feel like I'm beating a dead horse. The last few years I feel like I've tricked my mind into not doing things I want to do, and I want to find a way to trick it back, but I feel like that might be dangerous in some way. I feel like if my therapist sees from my past that I did have ocd I will either still have it or be "cured" (if that's even possible). Maybe I can trick myself into thinking I'm doing better and continue doing what I used to do before 2018. Maybe if I'll trick myself that them saying I didn't have ocd actually helped me in some way I can get better. Writing this I realize it sounds a bit too far, but yesterday I felt like it was idea and I got some hope that my life could come back. And i felt good for a while.
  2. I feel like it has. I think for years I treated it like it's OCD and tried to live with the uncertainty of it, but that also means not getting treatment for it. I guess that makes me feel hopeless. I'm, when unemployed, realize that it's these thoughts and wanting to be sure I've had/have OCD that is causing me distress for the most part. It also ruins my ability to concentrate and stay calm. One thing that I think is important is: My intrusive thoughts started at 15 or 16 and from that on my compulsions and rituals would take up most of my time and I would give up making new friends and I would basically give up any kind of normal life. Ever starting a family or having any type of career felt out of the question for me. It would take a while until I went to see someone for this. I was diagnosed with OCD at 23 and something crazy and almost overwhelming happened to me. Knowing I had a disorder (and that I was not my thoughts) made me feel like there was hope and that I could get better. I suddenly started getting hopes for the future and started thinking of having jobs and what not. It was like I had lost seven years of my life and I was now ready to start my life again. I had ten free therapy sessions and after that I didn't try to get into ERP or something like that (which I probably should've). I decided to stop doing my compulsions and rituals on my own. I think I was quite focused on getting better and getting my life back on track. So when I at 25 started relapsing and getting stuck on new themes I didn't really know what to do, because I felt like I was doing so well, but I always had the hopes that I things could get better and I had to continue with my education and fight my OCD at the same time. My intrusive thoughts at the time were very different, they were more existential and less harm or magical and I felt like they almost made sense since I had lost so many years of my life it was hard to know I even was anymore. My dreams when I was first diagnosed had been so euphoric and I was worrying I was going down the wrong path just because of dreams I had when I had lots of hope and didn't actually evaluate my choices. Maybe that was one of the reasons I felt like giving up everything in my life and just focus on my OCD treatment. I guess I'm at an age where most people my age start to form families and get secure jobs and I feel like there's still such a gap in my life that I can't deal with those things, so there aren't many things to focus on to get my mind off the OCD diagnosis thing. I guess I'm just rambling now. I always felt though that my recovery and making plans for my life were intertwined, so it feels like I can't have one without the other. thanks for the your suggestions. I've always wanted to try yoga, but I never really looked into it.
  3. It feels though like the past means more than the present at the moment. That if I could get it verified 100 % that I did have OCD, or alternatively what else that made life what it was I'd be able to move on in some way, but the latter would still be awful to me as most of my life would still feel like a waste of time. I just wonder what would happen if I got that confirmation, would I be able to move on? If I did in fact get it confirmed that I did have OCD, would I stop thinking about that and move on to another theme? Would I just doubt that it was true?
  4. I guess there was some mind of misunderstanding. I was sent a letter that I was going to start treatment, but it didn't say anything how the treatment would be like. I guess I was rather naive to not think there would be some sort of evaluation. I thought I had already started the treatment when I was there. And I met three people and felt very intimidated and didn't really say anything regarding my symptoms and then two of them went out of the room and I could finally talk to the third person. And then the two came back and had concluded I didn't have OCD. They also said they only focused on OCD so I they couldn't give me an alternative diagnosis.
  5. It's been a while since I posted here. I used to post here a lot in 2013 and 2016 and 2017. I have had huge struggles with intrusive thoughts, magical thinking and rituals for most of my life. I think the time I posted here I felt at some point I was really recovering and in the latter years that I was in a really bad place. In 2018 my life got completely turned upside down. I was probably at my worst at the time and I got an appointment with the only OCD specialists in my area. I was called in to an appointment and I was so excited because it was something I had dreamed of for years. When I got there I completely freaked out and didn't know what to say to them. I felt really put on the spot, but I was really hoping we would take it slowly and I could dig deeper into a trust relationship where I dared talking about my intrusive thoughts. Before I even got to say anything it was concluded that I didn't have OCD. I was devastated. I was shaking for months and I didn't know what to do at all. I was 28 The thoughts and rituals had taken up about half of my life. And at the time I felt like now my story and account of my own life was taken away as well and I had lost my own life twice. Afterwards the intrusive thoughts got even worse and I was a mess basically. Four months later I was given a new therapist. In the meantime, I started thinking "what if they're right? what if I've never had OCD and I just made it up?" , I had had similar thoughts before, but they were never verified by proffessionals before and I would start obsessing about this most of my woken hours. At the times that I would get my occasional old intrusive thoughts I'd feel relief rather than the usual anxiety and at that point everything is turned around, because at that point they don't really stick, which only brings more doubt. When I started seeing the new therapist, I started feeling that I was only there for reassurance that I did in fact have OCD. I also started wondering if I had miracously recovered and wondered if recovery felt that horrible. After some session where we got nowhere I was told it didn't work and I couldn't go there anymore. After that I started shaking a lot again and it felt like some sort of crisis that there was just no solution to. I would several times try to see new therapists, but they would tell me to stop wasting their time. Which would just crush me even more. After some trial I found a therapist that did take me seriously at least, but I still felt as if I was only seaking reassurance. He did say that I had OCD because of my intrusive thoughts, but that it wasn't very severe. He also said that I suffered from depression and social anxiety. I felt a little reassurance for a while, but realized I didn't fully believe him so the cycle started again. I suppose it's the corona that virus that has made this all worse. I did something rather stupid, before I went to see the OCD specalists. I was so excited of finally getting help that I decided to give up everything else in my life and just focus on recovery, something that in retrospect seems very stupid. It made the rejection feel like even an even harder blow. I didn't really have anything to fall back on and going back to my hobbies, education or career felt meaningless. The only pursuit it feels like I have is being sure I have OCD and I feel like I'm almost in some paradox. Because this pursuit and reassurance seeking does feel like OCD to me, but if it is I probably do need help for it, so I feel quite helpless when I don't get it. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice for this?
  6. Another thing I notice is that I feel kind of a relief in times when I feel really bad because it makes me feel like I have feelings and there are certain things like my mood that I can't control when I start to doubt everything I feel somewhat emotionless and I worry that I could be able to control my feelings until they don't exist.
  7. I still feel pretty much stuck. I think the best solution would to have something to occupy my time with. One thing that makes me sad is that I used to love spending time with myself and now I feel very dependent on others. I feel like this is mostly because I'm not sure what to do when I'm alone. I guess it also makes me feel a bit clingy and worried about being alone too much.
  8. The problem is that i don't feel like doing anything because i'm not sure if I want to or not, it's like I'm in some loop or a vicious circle.
  9. But it feels worse and not relieving, shouldn't there be some kind of relief in compulsions? Maybe a lot of this has to do with the modern age and having access to so many things, but here's an example: If I ask myself "do I really like this Tv show?" and i watch it just to see it if I like it or not, is that a compulsion, if I watch it just to see if I like it or not and feel relief when I do? And if I don't watch it is that some kind of avoidance?
  10. I am kind of switching between many themes at the moment and I feel like they all sort of contradict each other, but I don't think I go more than maybe three days without this theme. I think I usually know what I should do to deal with most other themes (even if I can't), but with this one I just don't know what to do. Therapy usually makes me feel like things are gradually getting better, but I it didn't really happen with this theme.
  11. For the last two years I've been having a doubt theme and every little thing can be a trigger for me to start doubting everything. The doubts are about what I like, what I want to do and what matters to me etc. This is also a theme that has a somewhat "positive" effect as I get really excited if I get excited for something. But most of the time when I'm stuck in this theme I just spend my time questioning everything and analyzing everything an unlike most other themes I can't recognize what is a compulsion and what is not and I'm stuck wondering what I actually am going to do. I'm currently not seeing a therapist, but I feel like it didn't help much when I did. Anyone had similar themes that have any ideas for what I should do?
  12. I've had something similar. I think you're correct in that the answer is to click it and let it go.
  13. It's crazy how this theme sort of disappears for a while and then strikes back with more power and then I just ruminate the hell out of it, trying to find answers and I can't stop it. I'm constantly trying to get clarity of what I said, who was there and when it was. I don't know how I can ever get in to the mindset that what I said doesn't matter.
  14. Thanks for your response, I think you're in that I need to accept the fear. I think the hardest part is separating compulsions and obsession and what is real and what is just thoughts. I have definitely gotten a confirmation compulsion that I need to overthink and confirm that what I like what I am doing. If I listen to a song I like I need to praise it to myself and tell myself how much I love it and how great it is and then again I start to question "sure I know I like this song, but why do i need to listen to it then? Do I enjoy it? No.". I think what I've always liked doing is listening to records, and it has always included compulsions that ruined the experience of listening to them. I would need to listen to them in a specific order and when I did I could again enjoy listening to them, but now that the compulsion is based on confirming that I like these records, the joy I get out of listening to them is gone. Also, when I was a teenager I used to dream of being in a band I would lie awake trying to sleep and think of how cool it'd be to be in a band and make records and see how your fans reacted to your new record. It was something that started at 13 and which I would do well into my 20s and I guess I still do it at 27 to some degree. It could be a pleasant escape to dream of something and have hopes for something. Maybe what changed this is that I actually started a band and then I got sort of disillusioned, having actually played in a band and now I don't need to dream about it anymore. And I also feel sort of silly dreaming about things. My mind has been occupied with so many worries and fears that I've either escaped from them by dreaming or I haven't gotten the chance to dream. Now when I try to sleep I either still worry about something or I think "I guess this is fine, what should I think about now?". Compared to always being worried and always being anxious it sounds like a pleasant thing, but it feels extremely boring and emotionless. I also find my master's thesis to be pretty meaningless. It's interesting to some degree, but I don't think of it as something I will think about in the future or whatever. I just kind of want to be done with it and not look back and be relieved that I don't have to do that ever again. I know it's not a healthy view, but I guess that's how I feel. When I read books on OCD and tips on what to do. There's always some idea that you need to stop doing compulsion and continue your life and what you're doing. But then I have to ask myself, what? What am I doing? I feel completely blank. And the idea of having something to do makes me incredibly sad, because I feel like a lot of people don't do whatever they have to or want to do because of their compulsion and that they are limiting themselves from their actual occupations, but to me doing compulsion is at least SOMETHING. I just keep on thinking in circles.
  15. I haven't had a wifi-connection in weeks, so I haven't been able to write anything for a while. I've been thinking of writing in this thread again. I feel rather lost right now. There are so many things I think about and would love to find some kind of answer too, but maybe even looking is a compulsion in itself. Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep at night I don't even know what I should think about and I don't know if that's a good thing. I feel like before I would've thought of something awful and I wouldn't have a choice. Sometimes I do get terrible worries and whatnot and things I don't want to think about, but I don't know what I would like to think about when I don't. I feel like I could be happy if I recovered, but I can't even imagine how that's like, I just don't know what to think about anymore. I haven't been able to feel free and think about what I want to since I was a teenager, and I feel like I shouldn't think of the same things I did when I was 13. To be honest, I feel rather confused. And I can't tell if this is a good development or not.
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