Savy

Yeah I have ruminated on some other ******** thoughts like this in the past and I can look back on them that way now.

Of course

Yeah they don't feel wrong in the moment.. it's that exact feeling which kickstarted my OCD in the first place. Lately, I've been getting breif feelings that life doesn't matter and it wouldn't matter if I were to uh kms cause I wouldn't pay no mind to it being dead and all. When I feel that I have reached some sort of conclusion or satisfaction with these thoughts, my mind reminds me of how I only feel this way because I'm alive and wired to feel that way. I keep trying to disprove or like cancel out that mindset in my head through rumination. It's really dreadful stuff! I hope I don't dive into some suicidal obsession, I don't think I could handle that.

What gets to me is that people with OCD are supposed to know their thoughts are wrong, right? It feels like I genuinely don't know the awnser and that's scary

Rumination has always been a big one....

I am currently feeling like it doesn't matter if I die or if anyone else does, then obsessively trying to figure out why it does matter with excessive rumination cause I don't want to have this mindset. When I feel like I have found some sort of awnser, I get confused again because I think "you only feel that life matters because you're alive" Cause it wouldn't matter to me if I were dead. I guess I've always kind of had this problem, it ties in with the classic harm OCD I used to have. I remember a couple years ago when I was terrified of becoming a killer and eventually began think to myself "what's wrong with killing" and just ruminate on that on and on again. So, despite how rational the thoughts feel, how confused I may be about these questions of mine, or even if do believe life doesn't matter, it was all just OCD? What the f*ck.

These thoughts that randomly pop up in my head and confuse me.. I agree with them, and ruminate on them to try and disprove them the point of diving into a repetitive depressive episode. I was doing so well lately and then boom, I am going through it again. I am currently seeking therapy.. y'know, cause I certainly can't live with this **** so I might as well try to get help. Also, I'm thinking I want to try Luvox.. it might do something, idk.

I was doing so well. I mean, I was still depressed/exhausted all the time, but I wasn't ruminating much at all. I can live with that. Every now and then my mental health gets really bad and it's unbearable. I've been wanting to do the same sh*t (compulsions) I've been doing in 2020 all day and yesterday. I gotta stay strong or I could easily fall in the cycle again. I still feel rather mentally unstable though. It's a feeling I deal with every once in awhile but I probably shouldn't ignore it. It's not normal. If anyone is wondering how my treatment is going, I stopped. The lady I was seeing has made mistakes and I didn't feel comfortable seeing her anymore. She started me off with a high dossage of prozac by accident. I was going to go in and tell her about it and the fact that I was taking drugs without therapy was enough reason to stop going, but I also felt an intense amount of anxiety just from the idea of seeing her again because I told her everything that was going on in the last appointment.. It was sh*tty on my part, but I ghosted her. After that, I wasn't doing to bad, I had my days and night fixed and I've rarely done and goggling or ruminating, but today has been god awful. Here's to hoping I can somehow get by all this mental stuff.

I'm very depressed right now and I just want someone to talk to, yet I can't even focus and put the right words together to explain how i'm feeling..

I need some guidance here, what kind of therapist should I look for these particular issues?

Looking back at my past thoughts and actions, I can see that I've clearly dealt with OCD. However, there's one thing that my mind does that I can't seem to wrap my head around. I haven't seen anyone else talk about the same exact problem either which concerns me. I ruminate a LOT these days, it's a terrible habbit of mine, but it's not the same kind of rumination you may be thinking about. I get a thought and it genuinely confuses me. It's usually about why simple things are the way they are. I ponder on it, analyzing every little detail I can so I can better understand whatever thing I thought about the way I want to. It usually just ends up confusing me even more and so I obsess over it and never reach any good conclusion. I have had obsessive thoughts like why we love and what's the point of it, why we feel guilt and care for others, why music makes sense to us, and even worse ones justifying, incest, and pedophilia. However, these thought never bothered me that much and I eventually got over them and think what a sane person should think regarding those topics. What has always stuck with me is the thought that death/murder doesn't matter because the person won't care when they're dead, which is a horrible mindset to have. I ask myself why it's wrong to make sure i'm thinking the right way but it's like I genuinely don't know the awnser. I really don't want to think like this, so I ruminate and analyze that thought in my head to try and logically disprove it without any luck. I have no doubt that OCD plays a role in this somehow cause I used to have really bad anxiety about becoming a serial killer but things feel a bit different now, I feel like I've become a psychopath! I don't know what to call this and what help I should be looking for.

Not even a therapist... I haven't gotten one yet, I went to see her for a diagnosis

Like she might ask me what I mean by "it's like I don't know what's wrong with murder anymore" and I have no idea how to awnser that. This will be on my record permanently.

Ugh, it's bothering me again. I can't sleep. I feel an insane amount of regret right now.

Just had my appointment and gave the lady a paper explaining all my issues and i'm scared that she's going to read it and think i'm a danger to society and get me locked up or something! I don't want to be seen as someone whose as risk to harm others but my OCD has centered around harm for years now and I hate it. She said I was gine and tha she'll read over ot later but i'm so worried that she my say it isnt OCD and my life is going to be ruined. Idk, i'm hella uncomfortable about all this. This is what I gave her: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e-8gxBGjg2wuni6eC_7lPWgCC4K-RhC0z4dCwwjcams/edit?usp=drivesdk