I posted the same topic on another site but it doesn't hurt to fish for some insight here too, no?
I know some of you won’t want to read this because it’s gonna be a super long post about an unusual problem, I get it, reading long posts is dreadful. Today wasn’t so great, I want to get professional help, though that’s a luxury I cannot afford. Growing up in America without healthcare? Not such a great thing when you are cursed with mental health problems that affect your day to day life. Especially when those mental health problems aren’t taken seriously. For years now, I have been hiding my problems out of fear of my whole life being ruined if people were to find out what these said problems were.
I will now rant about my past. Though I think my past has a very important role in these issues of mine.
For about 6 years now, I have had what I believe to be pure O and my main fear was about Harming others. Back when it all started, my OCD theme was about going insane, and because of the instance anxiety I felt 24/7 and the fact that I barely knew what anxiety was as a young teen, it felt like I was on the verge of snapping at any moment. I had the typical intrusive thoughts, urges, and compulsion that one would do with such an awful disease. For example: I once came inside after riding my bike and my sister was standing in the doorway of the living room, I was getting impatient and a bad thought came up saying to grab a knife from the kitchen and stab her. This thought terrified me so much, I panicked and rushed to my room, don’t remember what I did after that. Some of these thoughts were just so alarming that I still remember them like they occurred yesterday. Typical OCD, am I right?
I’ll dive into some of the compulsions I’ve done. I used to take stupid online quizzes about whether I was insane or not and the results would always say that I was in the process of losing my sanity but I’m not there yet. I believe that is what really fueled my OCD. I would also do some mental checking by asking my self questions like “Would I ever kill someone?” and in my head I would instantly respond with a big “NO!” because I truly never wanted to hurt a soul. I still do this… but now it’s like I’m not sure on what the answer is, because of this, I believe that my fears have came true and I have actually lost my mind. That’s why I’m here, writing all of this out on the internet.
I remember the day it happened. For a few days, it felt like I was actually getting over my fears but then one day it was like my psyche just snapped. I’m pretty sure it was depression. I wasn’t my hyper self anymore, I just was emotionless, very exhausted, and didn’t want to do anything. My neighbor had even noticed it and asked if I was ok but since I tend to hide my emotions, I lied to him and told him I was ok. Around this time, my OCD urges started to get way worse and I no longer felt the dreadful anxiety OCD came with and I haven’t really felt it at all sense then. I was damaged.
Before what I assume to be depression had started, I would have OCD urges like they were on a schedule. they would always occur for a few minutes in the evening after I had helped my neighbor clean up the pool. After the depression came along, the urges started to occur more often when school had started. I would be sitting in math class trying to fight to urge to grab a chair and beat a random classmate with it or waking up in the middle of the night experiencing them. These were the worst feelings in the world cause it felt like I was constantly trying to restrain myself for doing the things I didn’t want to do. I had no idea that these were a symptom of OCD up until recently and back then I seriously thought it was bloodlust. I felt like I wanted the thoughts while not wanting to want the thoughts at the same time. I don’t really go through urges anymore (thank God) but this was something that really made me feel like a psychopath.
Back in the beginning of this mess, I was way too scared tell my mom that I felt like I was going crazy and was too afraid to get help because I didn’t want to be locked up forever or have it on my record. I couldn’t imagine the reaction of her finding out her child had thoughts about murder. My mom did eventually find out though I don’t remember how though. Later on, after the day it felt like my psyche had snapped, she took me to see the doctor. The doc obviously didn’t know what they were doing because they told my mom I was homicidal and since my mom had dealt with these
typical OCD thoughts before herself, she took me to see a psychologist. Apparently my mom tried to get me therapy after that but all they therapists she reached out to had never answered back which angers me. I was diagnosed with Harm OCD but apparently I didn’t quite catch that. My mom was complaining about how the doctor said I was homicidal after the appointment so I had thought that a professional agreed that I was insane and I was too scared too ask my mom about it. This event had haunted my mind for years up until recently when I got the guts to ask what had happened that day. I was always the type of person to avoid asking questions when I need to ask them.
“But Harm OCD isn’t an unusual problem blah blah blah”
This is where it gets quite unusual.
One day, back when my urges were really bad, I was sitting in history class and my teacher had brought up something about how back in the day in some country you’re punishment would be death for stealing something and a fellow classmate said that was harsh. Instantly, my mind went “How is that harsh?” and I began to try and figure out why it was such a bad thing. I should of known right then and there that it was bad so why did I question it? This became an occur theme with my mental issues, I would ask questions like “why is killing bad?” and literally ruminated on it. It’s not like I wanted to do these things, it was like mental checking, I guess. I was doing it as a way to fix myself but as compulsions do (if it was a compulsion) it only made things worse over time. I would even get confused and think about why we love and care for others, and why empathy mattered and I still have those thoughts sometimes… My memory is a little foggy here, but i’ll try my best to write the rest of my story.
cutting to the chase
Here’s my biggest problem. The ruminating became an on and off thing, still no more anxiety. It was usually at it’s worse on summer breaks since I had no distractions from my horrid thoughts. I would overthink the same old questions and get really confused on thoughts that are so stupid such as “If there is an afterlife then murder isn’t wrong because you technically didn’t kill the person” or even thoughts like “If you can’t have Good without evil and evil without any good then maybe I should become a serial killer cause evil is need to keep good in this world” Obviously, I see why that one was so ridiculous now but now I still ruminate on similar thoughts surrounding death. Why is my mind trying to justify murder? I used to be so empathetic and now THIS? It’s like I don’t know right from wrong anymore. What the hell happened to my good morals? I really wish I could go back in time and prevent these thoughts from happening. This issue of mine has taken away my teen years and that makes me very sad.
This year my thoughts have been kind of nihilistic in a way? I feel like death doesn’t matter because all of our memories and emotions will be gone forever. We just wouldn’t exist anymore like we did before we were even born. I think that death isn’t the sad part of life, it’s how you go or if you go young. No one deserves to suffer. Unfortunately, my mind says that if death truly doesn’t matter, then the same applies to murder and if you suffer, than death takes that away and those are thoughts i’m so obsessive about now. I seriously can’t move on from it. I keep ruminating and ruminating on it like i’m gonna fix myself by doing so. I seriously hope that one day, i’ll get to see why these thoughts are so ridiculous like the afterlife one.
Obviously, I don’t want to think like this, otherwise I wouldn’t be here ranting abut it. It’s a huge thorn in my life. My mental troubles have really affected my ability to think and function. Every time I ruminate about this, I get depressed but I can’t just stop because I feel like I have to do so, it’s a nasty habit of mine. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything to myself but if I’d rather be dead than live the rest of my life thinking this way. I even used to say to myself in the beginning that if I ever got to the point where I had lost my mind then I would off myself but here I am, craziest I’ve ever been and still breathing. Yay? I guess? Does it even matter? In the back on my mind, I don’t see why I should off myself when that would hurt my loved ones and I’ve got the potential to get better.
I’ve been told that I wasn’t a bad person from having these thoughts, and it got me thinking that I shouldn’t be in denial about feeling this way and blaming it OCD anymore. I’ve also been told I still obsess over these thoughts and do compulsions like ruminating so it could still be OCD in a way? I don’t think it’s ok to think like this to be honest and I want to I feel the same disgust with this thoughts as I do with something like pedophilia but I just don’t. I’m desensitized to it all. That’s why I doubt I have OCD, I feel like a literal psychopath now.
I still think there is something wrong with my thinking..... I don't know how to really explain it. I was talking on the phone with an old friend today and we were talking about how there are just some very strong opinions of mine that would never change such as my stance on lgbtq rights or that pedophilia was wrong. He then agreed and stated that his mind will never change at the fact that nobody has the right to take somebody's life. I then had the urge to ruminate on this like I was confused on why. This is not normal behavior, and I honestly find it hard to love myself and just live my life because of it.
Basically, I am currently experiencing a hell that I don’t think anyone with OCD has experienced before. I must be a special case. I don’t believe that i’m just suffering from OCD now or if I even have OCD these days. I’m seriously convinced i’m some sort of psychopath in denial. Why? because it’s like I don’t know why murder is bad anymore and it’s tearing me apart. How does Harm OCD turn into something like this anyway? What is wrong with me? What do you guys think?