8thstar

Hi everyone ? So recently I’ve been getting angry a lot (which is terrifying to me because I’ve never experienced anger before) and when I’m angry it feels like the intrusive harm thoughts I get are realistic because I feel sooo mad and it’s almost like I have real urges and hatred and horrifically it’s directed towards my cat?? Every single thing he does I feel extremely anxious and rage building and it feels like I’ll lose control and snap, I haven’t yet and I’d honestly rather die than ever hurt an animal. I’m petrified of myself, my thoughts and the angry feelings in my body. It is the only thing damaging my ability to get better at the moment, before this anger I was managing nearly going a week without compulsions which was massive for me! I felt incredible. I’m not sure what’s going on, does anyone have any advice? I’m hoping I have a mood problem or hormone imbalance combined with intrusive thoughts and I’m not just becoming evil. It makes no sense nothing else triggers this except my cat. It doesn’t happen with my dog unless he actually does something naughty but at least then I have a reason to be angry. When my cat follows me and rubs up to me it’s like I turn into the hulk inside my body and I have to get away, I feel absolutely evil I’m filling some forms in to get some therapy I’m just debating whether I also have to sign up for anger management as well as ocd or if they are linked? It’s incredibly hard to see what is the ocd and what’s a separate issue where I’m a risk to my pet. I can deal well with intrusive thoughts of harm when I’m not angry, for example if I’m sitting with my cat and got a thought of harm I could easily brush it, hence how I got very good at dealing with compulsions and my anxiety for a while, but the anger is another issue entirely *sigh* I also can’t work out what is causing my anger as I’ve always had depression and fatigue and low iron levels etc and I wasn’t angry ever in my life until lately (I’m 25 now). I’ve noticed it’s when I’m tired and don’t want to deal with anything but surely being frustrated with a cat being a cat is pretty damn evil. Idk anymore. It also feels like I genuinely hate him now, but maybe that’s bc I associate him to the source of my suffering, anger and fear.

I've really been struggling with a memory of being alone with this kid and the only thing I remember is being annoyed with him but I'm terrified about if I did something evil to him and forgot about it, this thought won't leave me alone and it feels so real. I think that's the worst thing a person can do and if I really did do it then everybody would wish I was dead, I wouldn't be worthy to be alive and it's making my thoughts of dying stronger. I already have severe depression and thinking that I'm a monster who could have done this evil thing makes me think I have two options, die or tell the police. Because how can anyone accept that they "might" have done something that serious and bad? I can't go on. Do I tell the police? Is it the right thing to do?

It's incredibly hard to resist the urge because it feels as if you need to ruminate and work it all out in order to feel better. Rumination won't find us an answer because it's impossible to do so, the anxiety and uncertainty will continue to drive the obsession no matter how much logic or reassurance we're given or how much we overthink the same things. I think by now we all realize that. So it's good to remind yourself about how you feel when you ruminate. Rumination makes us feel more anxious and more focused on the obsession, remind yourself that it doesn't actually make you feel any better and actually worsens the situation, you'll end up going over the same things and feeling more and more hopeless.

It makes no sense that it would be OCD scaring me that I have a crush if I actually told myself in the past before OCD that it was a crush, I used to love it, I used to get fluttery feelings and stuff. But honestly idk if it was a crush or just liking their attention as I know I'd never want to be with them or act on anything and now I feel awful about it all together. I'm scared to even visit again because I'll just be anxious the entire time, right now I definitely don't want to have any kind of crush it grosses me out as to why I even thought that way before. I wish I could also remove everything in the past because it just fuels my OCD that I do and did have a crush. I wish I could stop ruminating too I'm just so scared, OCD has valid proof of me having "Crush thoughts/feelings" before I had OCD. So my head just tells me that if I didn't have OCD I'd still be loving it.

I understand I need to resist, I've tried to resist for days before but the entire time I'm still full of anxiety and I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong. I cannot bare to confess certain things, like I would rather die than confess certain things. But it seems like the worse they are and the more unacceptable they would be, the more I'm scared of them and the more I cannot go without confessing. My aunt isn't even the worst part, it scares me I like even closer members of my family and I've never been so frightened because I know my head will make me confess it all and I would do anything not to confess these things. It's horrible how it's all so irrational yet OCD can find things in your past to make it seem like valid proof or OCD can worry you that you've thought about people in that way in the past, the what ifs are too much sometimes. I'm scared to even think about the past in case I remember something because it will fuel my mind like fire.

I haven't done it yet because idk how to, this is the most embarrassing and gross thing. That makes it worse for me to hold off though, because if I hold off I know at some point I'll still need to confess and I'm just postponing the embarrassment. I really feel like hell, I don't want to be here if everyday consists of me needing to confess, it's so painful.

I really can't handle this confession compulsion anymore. It's so bad to the point if I don't confess I'm bouncing off of the walls in anxiety and I can't relax, I can't distract myself with anything because I'm going absolutely crazy. Please help I really can't do this : ( I remember how I "used" to have a crush on my aunt (WHICH IS SO WEIRD IK) And it was only late last year where I still felt it was like that. It's not a crush where they take over my mind or I want to be with her...that's so weird I'd never. I never even think about her in my life unless I stay over there which is rarely. Anyway I feel like this is such a huge big secret and I can't bare not confessing but I don't want to confess it's so embarrassing how on earth can I confess that without feeling weird and everybody else feeling weird? Like that's so gross how can I just tell my mum "I have a crush on my aunt" I'm so terrified to confess but that only leads me to thinking even more how it's such a huge thing to hide. I don't want to do it this will be the most embarrassing confession I hate OCD I want to die. Even after I type this I'll probably need to confess because I physically can't do without confessing I will go insane.

If you sit with the anxiety and stop yourself from ruminating will the anxiety get less over time? Sometimes I'm not fighting with thoughts but the uncomfortable weight continues to remain in my head. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, it's so tricky to stop attaching importance to everything. Thanks for the responses

I feel like I've made my OCD worse than it's ever been lately because I've confessed SO much to my mother as a compulsion in the past week than I've ever confessed to anybody in my life. I don't want to confess anything anymore because I'm fed up of OCD ruling my life. It's hell right now, each time an obsession dies down I get another flashback from the past and it feels like it's something genuinely important that I need to confess to. I got a flashback of how my step dad was hugging me on bed once and he was rubbing my hand softly. I remember at the time I felt uncomfortable and left the room when he was sleeping. I can't remember how it happened but as much as I try to tell myself that it's OCD blowing a freaking hug out of proportion and turning it into something sexual as if I've done something immoral behind my mom's back it just makes things worse. Even when I tell myself "You clearly didn't want it, he hugged you, you didn't feel comfortable" my head tries to say "You need to confess that he did this, he did something to you when you didn't want it and she needs to know what kind of man he is." I can't even tell if that type of hug is normal between a step father and child, I think I was quite young? He's been my step dad for soooo many years and he's never done anything wrong and we've been close but I feel like my mind is flagging this type of closeness as something wrong??? I never know if I'm feeling uncomfortable because of OCD or because it's genuinely wrong. I'm just so stressed out it's killing me that I can't ever tell what's genuine and what is OCD making it seem like a bigger deal than it is Idk what to do each time an obsession comes up. I mean it's like what if something is actually rational but I'm telling myself it's OCD. I'll never know anymore. I just need some help because at this rate I can just tell I'm gonna have to confess ugh.

I'm going through a very hard time right now because I got obsessed with someone and I've been trying to get over this person having cut all contact. It's been really hard to the point I felt I just wanted to escape my life. I told my parents about this and I feel insanely guilty because I told them I was suicidal. I'm NOT suicidal. I now realize there's a difference between wanting to die / being suicidal. I told them I'm so sorry for using that word and I would never do anything and I only feel like I want to be dead sometimes because of this suffering. Anyway my Pure O is really bad right now. Even though I confessed to them about this my head is now questioning me if I even felt like I wanted to die and it's worrying me that "What if I'm lying? What if I just felt sad?" And now I feel like I've lost all memory to how I was feeling. And it's driving me to confess to my parents "I only feel sad, everything else I said is a lie." But I know I felt that way because I'd never just tell people I felt like that if I were lying because I know my Pure O would spike up and now it's actually happening. I just don't know what to do, I really don't wanna confess anymore it's driving me crazy. I also keep feeling the need to confess over and over that "I'm not suicidal" because what if they don't understand? What if they still think I am because of the fact I told them I feel so bad I wanted to die. I have enough pain to worry about trying to get over this huge loss but now I have my OCD responsibility issues back I am terrified they will be worrying over me and I'm some sick liar

Because I can't see clearly because of my OCD what things are actually important and what is just OCD I need a little help with my confession compulsion. I had (Still suffering with) Relationship based OCD even though I'm not dating my girlfriend anymore but I realise I'm going to have to get over her. What is really damaging my mental health right now is constantly feeling guilty about hiding my feelings from her. The thing is, I don't know my feelings for her. I'm totally depressed I can't feel anything and with a million thoughts in my head I really don't know what I feel for her at all....seriously I'm so lost. And each day that we drift more apart I get worried that "Have I accepted I don't love her now?" And my OCD is driving me to confess "I know I don't love you and I have accepted it." It's the confessing that is killing me. What I want to know is, is it vital that I have to confess this even if there comes a time I am sure of my feelings? My OCD makes me feel as if I'm hiding this massive thing from her being that "I don't love her anymore" and it's insanely evil and wrong not to inform her of that. When my mind is telling me that I genuinely don't know if it's right or wrong to not tell her...Because "Lying" about love ever since I was younger was thought of as a sick thing. Where as my gf knows I'm confused with my feelings and she knows I don't know if I love her...do I have to tell her when I'm certain of my feelings? We're not together like is it vital or is it just my confession compulsion making me feel guilty for something I don't need to be? Everyday I feel scared like "But what if I know I don't love her?" Like right now I feel like I actually know I don't and my mind is making me feel guilty like "TELL HER, YOU'RE BEING DECEIVING." I'm seriously suffering on whether it makes me deceiving or not.

Now my girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend has just told me I'm in denial and when will I just accept that I don't love her ;( I can't stand this. she tells me that my fears are real, what am I supposed to do anymore? I really can't deal with this confession compulsion, it's making me feel like I really am in denial I mean what if I have accepted i don't love her? my urge to confess this is killing me, now I feel as if I'm hiding the fact I have accepted I don't love her. Even the other day I remember I felt like I accepted it. I can't go on like this anymore i'd rather be dead ;( right now I wish someone would stab me.

I realise the confession compulsion needs to stop but when things are serious like "love" it's the hardest thing ever to convince yourself it's just OCD because even if it is, at the same time I am confused with my feelings to a large extent, my head is so messed up. So it's easy to feel like i'm being deceiving and a horrible liar and that it's vital I do confess these things.

I talk to her about absolutely everything, she's been strong for so long but I can't blame her for feeling the way she does and wanting to just be friends. I mean I've made her hate herself and feel imprisoned and every confession has destroyed her. She's been through so much hell because of me. In ways I'm glad we're being friends because I feel like right now I'm so messed up to know anything and dragging her alone and me feeling guilty about everything is hurting us both. And when I'm talking to myself in my head like "Imagine if someone else gave you this attention, a kind sweet, beautiful person" and "Do you even like your girlfriend? Everything she does annoys you, so how can you like her for who she is? Everything she does makes your ROCD/insecurity trigger" It feels so real and puts me into anxiety that I'll never know what it's like to like another person for who they are, it'll only be because they give me love and attention because I have abandonment and security issues. Even when I talk to other people, I feel worried that if they are nice to me I'll get a crush on them. I'm petrified of everything. My head is just a mess...every second I need to confess or I can't relax. Everything feels like such a heavy burden. I mean how can a person possibly sit there in peace when their mind is making you feel as if you're hiding something as serious as not loving someone? There's nothing I can say to myself to help me relax with anything. Right now I'm feeling forced to confess to her that I don't even want her in my life or to talk to her, it feels real because I feel tired and annoyed and hurt with everything. There is no escape It's like I don't control myself anymore and no matter how hard I try my mind always controls me.

i just wanna know if i should confess i never loved her and that i know i don't love her and all of these other things....it hurts i don't want to and i don't want to believe it but it has to be true, nothing points to it being fake anymore this has ruined my life forever, that's why i have to confess i can't stand feeling like a liar :{ my mind is making me feel as if i know it's all true therefore i must know it's all lies about loving her