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Everything posted by ocdishell

  1. Haha, i know. For me its in this forum, nowhere else. no thats not true, actually. Its gone a bit far actually, i see now. Gonna feel the same way when i press send now. the sad part is that i wrote something really great in this spesific comment, and none of you will ever read it😂 the genius comment i wrote will forever be lost in the ocd-bin🤣
  2. im so sorry for just leaving a «blank comment» but i struggle with writing things on this forum without deleting it. So just ignore this comment:)
  3. Hey:) i am not angry about your posts:) i understand that you are DEEPLY troubled. I wrote that for one reason: you cannot stay here, because this forum is making it worse for you at this point. i am actually more angry about all of your responses, these people was right to try to help you in the beginning. They should KNOW that they are not making it better by responding now. THAT is what makes me angry. Not you.
  4. Yes it does. Please keep your head on the right track. It seems to me you are in a great amount of pain, even dough you dont use those words, but you dont ask for reassurance, so thats a good thing:)
  5. Just to add, also a reminder to myself: it had been great if we had a bad relationship now. If he was an *******, or treated me badly now. He does not. Thats one of the problems. We have a great relationship. He is funny, cool, we talk about music, about this and that, and he supports me, and you know, he is a great father (telling this here is not a comulsion, this is a fact) and this make it so much more difficult for me. He sent me a funny picture after me talking about him in a "bad way", and i just broke down. It feels like i cut his chest open, and ripping his heart out. But i know that what he did to me when i was a child was not good. I know that. I have to keep on this right track. I have to be able to keep this two things seperate: the person he was to me when i was a child, and the person he is to me know. The one does not remove the other. That goes for him to: his good qualities does not take away the part where he did me wrong, and vise versa.
  6. I recently wrote a post about this, but it was way to detailed, and it was to brutal for me to have lying around on the internet, so i had it deleted. I will now try to write a good post that i dont have to delete, becuase i actually need some peptalk about this. I know very well that this is ocd, even dough part of me wants me to believe its not, and that i actually have done something wrong. But this is not about that. I need to write a post to explain in words why this is so diffucult for me, and what the anxiety really is about. I need this to sort it out. I need this to sort out my feelings and anxiety the right way. Because this is not only about the topic, its about much more. So: i had a bit difficult childhood. My father had a speciall way to try to..... well, he tried to do the right thing by teaching us right from wrong, but he did it in a way that was not good for me or my brother. I wont go into details, because i wont have this on the internet, but thats the background of this. I had a healthy way of looking at this for many years, and got help, and talked about it the way it was when i talked about it. No guilt, no shame, nothing like that. These last 4 years, whenever i talked about him, i always added: but he is a good guy, he never ment to........ and so one and so forth. We have now a good relationship, and i really like him, besides the fact that he sometimes talk to me or others the same way he did when i was a child, and its uncomfortable for me and anybody else who hear it, but i just ignore it. I dont have to listen to it. Anyways: the fact that i started to do this compulsion (talk about him in a good way right after stating facts about him or my childhood) i made it almost imposible for me to talk about it without extreme anxiety and disscomfort/feeling guilty, and i get these images about him being sad and hurt, and like, it cuts me to the cord. Really, its like a knife in my chest. Its not that i have to talk about my childhood all the time, but sometimes its just good to talk about it. I also have two much younger sisters who still lives with him, and sometimes the topic comes up. Im not gonna go more into details, but this is what i currently struggle with/this is my situation now: -I think that i finally had some braketroughs regarding me not wanting to "exuse him", or do this compulsion anymore. I actually want to talk about my childhood freely, i want to be able to state facts without taking it back. -I get these extreme panic attakcs where i get images where he is hurt, i feel like ive stabbed him with a knife, i feel ive hurt him by talking about him like this -I fear the guilt in itself. Im one of those people who handle guilt very badly, but this is when ive actually done something wrong. Lets say, i once cheated on somebody, and that was real guilt. this is not. This is FEAR OF THE GUILT. Not guilt itself. -I get these thougts there are typical ocd: if i could remove these bad feelings, my life would be perfect. Like: "it was a bad time to make these (good) changes, because these feelings make it diffucult for me, and i dont want it to be difficult." -Stupid me, why did i do this now, i dident have to make any changes, it was good the way it was. -I should call everybody i talked to, and take it back, or say somehting good about him. SO: i need a peptalk. i need somebody else to give me some good peptalk, not reassurance about me not doing something wrong, i could call my former child therapist i had back then if i wanted that. She would tell me, like they always do: this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, ect. ect. but i know that would not change this for the good. Thats why i know this is ocd. This is about my amygdala, it thinks that i need to fix this, and its shocked, my amygdala is shocked at the moment, becuase i usually feed it some good compulsion. I did not this time. Ive been talking about my childhood these last days, and i went trough it in my head (its a bit healty for me once in a good while to relive it, so i remember what actually went down. This was part of my life from the age 2 till 13, and it has affected my life a great part. Its important to remember it, without it being consuming, and its not. This issue is not about me going trough my childhood and its making problems for me, this issue is ONLY about my 1: fear of hurting my father/images about him being hurt 2: fear of guilt itself, that means: fear of the fear. Looking for perfection. looking for a life without bad feelings. Sorry for a long post, and i will really try not to delete this. I might, but ill try.
  7. Sorry for going off track, but i love your nickname:)
  8. I thought you went like: «people like you are the ones who dont beat their ocd», wich, as you can imagine, got me «ooooh no he dideeeent!!» 😂😆 attack first, see if it was an enemy later😎😎
  9. Im so sorry for beeing such a «write first, read later» idiot in my priviuos post. Feel like such a.. i guess talking about ocd is a very loaded issue for a lot of people, i should have read what you wrote before calling you evil and all those things😂
  10. Edit: i read your post wrong, im sorry😂😂 Orignial post: yeah, i was trying to be funny, did not mean anything bad. Its seems like you are trying to be mean, and actually hinting to me that i have less chanse to beat my ocd is pure evil. And make me realise that you never actually had a real ocd problem, because if you did you would never do something like this to anybody. I did not realise how evil people could be. Im just a person trying to do the best, and i tried with a little humor, but that surtainly backfired. i will descretly remove myself from you and this thread.
  11. I see:) i should have written «it might not be a way to go.» hehe. i think this way of thinking works for 1% uf ocd sufferers. (😂)
  12. The fact about the 1% thing does not help when it comes to batteling ocd, just pointing it out:) it might even make it worse, because if you try to comfort yourself with such a thought, it just goes back to «but what if», and then you think: ok but only 1%, and then «what if» again. Just goes in circles.
  13. My ocd tried this topic on me, but it lasted about five seconds. I have other themes, but i want to give you a lot of support from norway. We are all in the same boat, even dough its different topics.
  14. Just gonna wait untill its not possible to delete it anymore, and then shoot myself. HAHA. Just kidding. (Not) (yes i was) (no wasent.) (well offcorse i was) (not really.) (but you know i was) (but was i?) (yes.) (no, in fact i was not) (yes i was.) (but really no.) (.....)
  15. Omg writing this post and not deleting it: OH MY GOD this hurts😂
  16. Not gonna comment to much on this same topic spedificly, (edit: i did anyways😂) im not ready for it, but i can say that: this is pretty much the same kind of issue i had about thinking about thinking. this might seem like an easy problem, but it went deeper than that. Its pretty much like beeing burried alive. i thought i was a victim to it those few times ive been going trough it, but not many weeks ago, i discovered that this is all in my own hands. About this topic: i also do think that im doing some other compulsions wich is the opisite of what you laid out as examples. My fear is about beeing paralazied, and the fear that thinking about getting paralazed (or having no energy) will do this to me. my compulsion is NOT trying to feel my body, because im so afraid that thinking to much about it will make it happen, so i wont even dare to try to «feel my arms» or whatever. one example: im doing something called «ice massage» to my face. This is where you put an icecube in a plastic bag, and massage it over your face. Not ocd related, just a really good skincare rutine (try it:)). so, i thougt about doing it today, and the fear sound like this: omg what if i loose energy in my arm while doing it, so i wont be able to do it. the end-fear, you know, worst case scenario is that i will be lying in bed all the time, not being able to move. Or that i will have no energy. Thats my fear. it feels really good to write this down, because the fear has gone so far that im not even sure what the problem was, and writing it down like that is making me see things a bit clearer. And i also never tell anybody, because «telling people will make it happen». I think its important for me to do some erp about this topic, for example lying in bed, with my ice cube, and be like: ok now im gonne loose my energy in my arm, and then still keep doing it. This is a huge challenge for me. Really huge. i did the same thing a few years ago when i had this fear, i sat in the middle of the night and was so afraid i wont be able to move my arm if im thinking about it, and i sat completly still, and thought: ok, now my arm is paralazied. And i tried all i could to paralize it with my thoughts, and then tried to move my arm. so i think some exersices like that would be good, and also what you suggested. i think the mainrreason for me writing in the first place is that.. i knew i was doing some avoidence/ compulsuins that make me stuck, and part of this is not even planning the future, or saying things im gonna do, because im so afraid i will get paralized/loose my energy. I want you to know i really apriciated your respons, you made me realise some things ive overlooked,wich was important to me.
  17. No, this is actually not correct, i am not interested to be convinced whether this is rumination or whatever, i am simply interested in HOW to solve this, and what exactly i am dealing with here, to get a HANDLE on it. This is not a part of ocd in itself, this is me trying to understand WHAT exactly to do. and the sentence: «you are engaing in a behavior that isn’t helpful to you ocd recovery» -yes, but exactly WHAT IS THAT:P you know? That was my problem. im not in a state of mind where im looking for either reassurance or.... comfort. Im simply, really fullhearted looking for the right tools. Like i said: with my own dirty hands, i dragged myself out of a heavy depression a month ago. I changed the structure of my business at the same time, wich saved me from going bankruped, im a fighter like you have not seen, but as for now, well, untill now, this exact problem was not something i could figure out HOW to solve. Its not a question about WANTING to solve it, or the lack of courage. my post was written because of my lack to understand what im doing wrong. im still not quite sure how to attack this. (and you may wonder why. Let me tell you: if this problem is that i actually should try go go TOWARDS it, like you would with a spider-fear, like, you would actually aproach spiders, right? Should i then go towards my fear, google this disease, talk about it (its something i have avoided for years) or should i try to feel..... aha! I just discovred another compulsion i do, that might be one answer to this. Hm, i might be on to something. ok, so over to another funny thing for those still reading: yesterday i walked over to a girl at the gym (im a girl myself) and told her she looked great, just for the hell of it. She was so happy when i said that! and my boyfriend, wich i havent seen in 4 months, come to visit me in only 2 weeks:) im gonna google the 4 step plan now btw, i dont know what that is.
  18. Thank you. i read somewhere else on this forum, something like: you do something wrong if its still a huge problem for you. So im trying to figure out what im actually doing wrong. im not that interested to figure out what type of ocd this is just to KNOW, im interested because i need to know the right tools for it. my problem is fear of thinking about a disease, and that i will get this disease by thinking about it. i guess its ruminating in this case. I guess i understand what you are saying, and this may be the difficult part of ocd, because its not that easily to discover just exactly what compulsions i do. i discovered that i get this OMG OH NO feeling when im thinking about it, and even dough i think i go about my business, im still in this shocking state of mind, and i dont even dare to plan my future because i am so afraid im gonna get this disease, or that i already have it. thats right. Thats what im doing. Thats my compulsion. I dont plan, and i..... its a bit clearer now when i wrote it down. i been trying to get a handle on this on my own since i wrote this cause i didnt get an answer, but still this is so difficult i just had to see if anybody had written anything. anybody else got any advice i would very much appriciate it. i draged my sorry ass out of a depression on my own a month ago, i got my own business, having a long distance relationship, and i dont take any medication, or speak to a psycatrist, so advice on this spesific problem will VERY much be appriciated on this part. All the other **** i can handle on my own. thank you.
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