changemynametosomething

yes?? not laughing at you, im laughing because yes. indeed. it. is! i can tell you what is happening to you if you want, you dont have to read if not interessted: the fear-center in your brain, amygdala, is designed to keep you safe and alive at any cost. when you have ocd, this fear-center is being alarmed when its not supposed to. That means that when you are not doing compulsion and really want to- you are fighting against your own survival instinct. to answer your question- yes.

thank you. i notice that i struggle more when im not sure if im gonna do the compulsion or not, and being ambvialent. im guessing when im ambvialent that the ocd senses it and then use it to be more convincing or something? my boyfriend told me just now, a few minutes ago: its time. (to take controll.) i have all the tools, and i have the strenght, i think im just lacking consitensy and.. determination at this point. i miss him so much, being so lonely lately (my boyfriend has been living in the netherlands the last 2 years), and he will be back in one month now:)

Been doing great lately. Really good progress and yeah, all of that. Had a minor insident yesterday where i did a compulsion, and then some more, and then the anxiety hit me with full speed today. i did some erp, and struggle huge because of that. i really want to do a huge compulsion to fix this, but currently struggeling to not do it. the anxiety is brutal, but havent done it yet. had my boyfriend on the phone, cried and felt really anxious, but took 600 mg magniesium to help me be a bit calmer.

first time ive heard someone else «standing in the corner». in my worst periods i had to stand in the corner and push my toes all i could in the corner wich was in the right side of the apartment. to take away something or like, the same as you. that pushing my toes thing i extremly painfull actually. its not the same as you, but sort of, its still ocd.

i know its not urgent, but i see that you have written a lot of posts without any answers, and im guessing thats because you have responded to your own, wich then seems that you have gotten responses?

please, can somebody respond to these posts?? im not able atm, but somebody else please?? getmeout, im sorry your post have been falling behind some chairs here and nobody have responded, im hoping somebody else will

and here is a conversation between the ocd and me: im sitting in a chair, reading the newspaper. ocd is sitting beside me. Ocd: (caughs, and looks at me. im not looking up, and ocd caughs again.) me: «whats up?» (i keep looking at the newspaper, doesent look up) -Nothing. Just wanted to point out something. «what did you have in mind?» -its about that thing you did yesterday, when you went to that place. «what about it?» -weeeeeell, there is a problem. «a problem?» -A huge one. «Why am i not surprised?» -(ocd sits up in the chair, ready to explain) here is the deal: you went to that place, and i dident count. like, i fixed it, so its not a proboem any more, so i moved the problem to the coffeemug. «you….. moved the problem?» -Yeah, i…… moved it to the…… «you cant just go around and move problems around like that, what are you, some kind of crazy person?» -its…… well, im……. «nevermind, this sounds like a conversation i dont want to have with you right now.» -i think you want to hear this. «i really dont think so.» -But this is important! like….. (he looks into the air, searching for the right word) its actually……like really important. (im still looking at the newspaper, and ocd kicks me in the foot) -Hey, listen to me, this is like….. «alright tell me. if you not gonna shut up, then just tell me already.» -Ok, so: (he looks satisfied, and smacks his hands together while explaning) the coffee mug, do you remember six years ago? when you did or did not do that thing? «are you bringing up something that may or may not happened six years ago??» -yeah but listen, its good «is this a game to you? -come on now, listen! «alright, alright tell me then.» -Ok so, that coffee mug is no infected by that thing, so if you keep it now, or like use it, (he stops and thinks) no, actually, if you as much as have it in the apartment, everything will be ruined. (he throws his hands out, with wide eyes.) «this sounds really crazy man.» -well, yeah, its.. crazy important, ill tell you that! (he nods with wide eyes) «im not gonna listen to this, it sounds absolutly ridiculus.» -do you want to hear the consecvenses? «i rather not.» -here they are: (i look at him and roll my eyes) 1: you gonna lose….. like… everything…… «gonna lose everything?» -yeah «can you be more spesific?» -no, thats as specific as i can be. like, doesent it sounds frightening, like, to lose everything? «yeah sure, but……» -AND SECOND: YOU WILL….. LOSE EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!!!!!! «jeeses christ man.» -YEAH! (nods agressivly with huge eyes) «this sounds…..» -ITS SOUNDS AWEFUL!!!!!

I removed the content in this comment, im sorry ? just, yeah, doesent matter. ?

Any tips to deal with this coffemug btw?? Like, should i cuss at it? Tell it that i hate it? Put it in the oven? Fry it? Could maybe one of you come visit me and.. fix this? Tell the coffeemug that, it should stop being so terrifying? Maybe.. maybe you could buy it from me? «contaminated coffemug for sale!» (im kidding).

Yeah, the terrifying coffeemug, that is contaminated with obsessions and fear. i currently have it beside me, and ive been drinking of it today. still thinking about throwing it out, removing it from the apartment. a few days ago i was cool about having it in another apartment near mine, now ive been having it in the apartment, and now i feel like i should remove it completly from the apartment/make sure its broken, thrown away, never to be seen again. In the last post i wrote, i described an incident where i «did the most frightening thing». My hope was that- if i did that, all of the ocd would be fixed. Doesent work like that. I need to be persitant and do this all the time. Here in norway, i would have to wait 6 months to get help with all of this. Therefore, and because ive done that before, i know how the therapy works, i will have to do this «by myself», and also- i have support from my boyfriend and family. I have set up some homework and assiments i could do, and the worst for me now is that coffeemug. These are the assigements/some examples of what i could do: (wich at the moment sounds really terrifying) -drink from that coffeemug -have it near me -touch it -dont throw it out. -it its to diffucult to have it in the apartment, remove it to the other apartment at least. dont throw it out. also, whenever i have this feeling of: this is to diffucult, i should do it, but in a calm matter, not have this huge «warrier» attitude, i dont think that helps me in this situation. Its better to be like: «ok, this is fine. this is nothing, this is just a minor thing.» I have currently started a business, so im trying to do that while simontanously have all of these ocdthings running the show, so its really difficult. ill be honest. im also in a long distant relationship so im litteraly by myself all the time, with no hugs, no support system other than talking to him on the phone. (he is the best and most supportive man). Ive been really close to suicide and breakdowns the last week, but im trying my hardest to keep sane. im really trying my best. Im sorry about that last post where i sounded kind of…… oh im so tough, but im just like that as a person. Im a warrier in all aspect of my life, but in this case, with ocd, its actually better to just be a bit…. nonchalant about it. this: «lets do this huge difficult thing!» and: omg see what i did!» dosent do me any good, its just fuels the.. intensity about it. Again, im sorry if i sounded a bit…. to big on myself the last post, but i think maybe i thought if i was proud of myself in that «im the best!!!!» kind of attitude, that would somehow fix the anxiety. but it just fuels the.. drama.

Removed content:)

Thank you, it was really intense yesterday?

thank you. ive been crying a lot today, both happy, warrier tears (?) but also scared tears, i cried a lot after that thing i did. yeah, i tried to begin to explain, but its actually really complicated and effed up. Its about working towards a positive goal, and my ocd wants me to do it a surtain way/having a lot of rules about it. I did the oposite of what the ocd told me about the rules, and for me this means that this goal is kind of…… contaminated? yeah, the positive thing is contaminated by different fears and obsessions in a way. My ocd wants me to «take back» the progress, do compulsuons, and then start over with the positive goal. Example (not the actual situatuon): you want to start a business, and this is really important to you. You do something in the beginning of startup wich is «wrong» to the ocd, and now your hole dream is kind of contaminated by that thing. you now have to quit the business, remove all the progress, and then do it the right way. Its kind of like that. Mind you, this positive goal is kind of…… a huge part of my life, so its not weird that i have this extreme anxiety now and today. I was shaking on my way there, crying on my way home, cried in the dark in the bathroom (my lightbolb went bye-bye yesterday), and yeah.

Im guessing the «right thing to do» is some kind of reassurance, so no need to answer to this, or maybe its not, i dont know. doesent matter. the post was ment to be solely a «look what i did», type of proud statement, not a compulsion in itself. of corse i wonder if this was to much or not, but none of you guys can know that, and by the way- cold turkey is always an option. Its not correct that you have to take things slow. Maybe i did not have that option in my life at the moment, maybe i just needed to jump, and im proud of that no matter what.

I just wanted to share my bravery today. Ive been so consumed by anxiety, panic attacks, avoidence and compulsion the latest time, so i figured i needed to cut the bone by the cord (i know its not the right saying, but you know what i mean) and do what i feared the most today. just, jump right into the icecold pool. It has been an extreme day. I did it, and ive been crying, shaking, almost fainted, and yes, crying some more. currently sitting with the anxiety, and this can take from 1 day up to a week, i dont know. i still dont know if it was the right thing to do (did i do to much, was i too brave, ect). i really jumped today, and im still falling, but thats not weird, i did what i fear the most these days today, so yeah. the thing is- i felt i had to do something drastic, ive been having so much panic and anxiety the latest that i had to call 911 because i ended up just wanting to kill myself. I had to do something, and im really hoping that this was the right thing to do, and that it was not to much and that i will take 5 steps forward and then 7 back. well- we’ll se, wont we????

i think the only reason i havent caved is because im not sure how to do the compulsion itself. i know i need to put my toe in the corner of the apartment (this sounds like a mockery of ocd, but its not), and think the right thing. but i dont know wich side of the apartment is the right one. and all this because i was so stupid and started doing compulsuons again. im looking out the window, there is no monsters here. nobody is after me, its made up. its all fake. but it doesent matter. all i want to do is to stop this pain.

no, if i knew that, this would be very easy:) been having panic attakcs since yesterday, but im sticking to it. but yeah, this is extremly diffucult.

i was tough yesterday and did something difficult becauase, well, eff this, and i regret it so much:( the anxiety is brutal.

yeah, but this is so diffucult im currently trying to avoid doing a compulsuon, but i feel im gonna fail any moment. jeeses christ this is tough

Yes. Its what it is, its recovery work because the h if i let this continiue. Im need to write this post to get some things on the paper, lay things out right and get some..... english is not my first language so i cant remember the right words all the time Alright- so over the last month ive done a huge mistake, ive been doing more and more compulsions to avoid something, and it has become absurd. like: i cant wear my white shirt because that represent...... ok no need to explain. there is a lot. and its extreme. its been worse before. like 7-8 years ago it was absolutly terrible. Ive now come to the conclusion that i have to get out, and ive started today. Ive done huge progress today, but have extreme anxiety to the point i feel like i cant do this at all, but i know i can. I need to write my fear here now, to get a little overview, and as i said: lay it out: my fear is feeling guilt. im doing compulsions about a thought i had or may have had about my boyfriend 6 years ago, and im afraid of feeling guilty for this. Here is the thing: there is no real guilt here. Its the fear of having the guilt thats bothering me. what i mean is: ive felt real guilt before and i cant handle it, in a earlier relationship with somebody i cheated (broke up, «cheated», and got back together the next day), and that was something i struggeled with and had to tell him. Thats real guilt and it was extremly painfull to me, therefore: my fear is having that guilt-feeling again. i really dread this feeling. So its the fear of the guilt-not guilt itself that is boterhing me. Ive done nothing wrong. i know this, so all these compulsuons have just done everything worse. Im trying to keep up something with these compulsjons, i try to get away from these fears, but its only making it worse. ok, im gonna continue to do recovery work now, and i would appriciate some peptalk or wise words, either from others doing recovery work atm, or from those who are recovered/have it under controll. thanks in forskudd (norwegian word, cant remember the english frasing?) edit: i know that me writing several times that «its not real guilt -its the fear of the guilt» might seem like a compulsion itself, because i repeat it many times, but its not. its something i just understood today and something i had to remind myself.

Im sorry, i tried to leave a good respons here, but one of my biggest struggle is to share something about ocd, so i decided to delete it. So sorry again

I know this is my own fault. For doing more and more compulsions. Staying away from the store for so long. And all of the other things ive been doing the last couple of weeks. I know this is the reason i feel all the pain now. i just dont know how to cope. I feel my .. i feel my breath is being taken away from me, like my life is over. Like everything i love, and everything i am, will disapear before my eyes. i know this is my own fault. For letting it get out of hand. I live alone atm, my boyfriend lives in another country, he is back in august. We are doing so great:) and im starting my own company as we speak. Ive been doing so good this lockdown, this winter, ive been doing so good. With everything. i just want the pain to go away

Ok- listen to this one: my nearby store is contaminated with something. (No need to go into detale. No its not contaminated with germs, its thoughts and persons) And a few days ago i was so brave that i went into the store. Right thing to do. after that, i found out a problem i could fix and how to do it (not ocd), and i did it! But since that store was the last store i got into, before fixing the problem, i now think i need to de-fix the problem, that means, mess my life up, and then go into another store, and then fix it again. this is so crazy i cant even...... even im surprised of how crazy this is, but it doesent matter. No, i have not done it yet, that would take everything i got, but my anxiety is that, i will now, since ive started to fix my problem (the not ocd related thing), drift further and further away from being able to do the compulsion. Its absolutly terrifying. Im sticking to it dough. But i feel im gonna lose my mind. God how could i have been so stupid and kept on doing more and more compulsions the last couple of weeks? Its so stupid.

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