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Saz

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  1. Really struggling. I can't believe how bad I feel after doing so well. Feel almost back to square one. Anxiety through the roof At a family party tonight and it's going to spoil my night. I have that sick feeling again. Just gutted.
  2. Thanks caramoole and so lovely to hear from you. Im trying hard to move past this but my anxiety and stress levels are through the roof. It's not so much now the panic attack on Saturday (if that's even what it was, am I making excuses for myself again) but how it's left me feeling now. I feel completely on edge and I'm struggling to keep the false memory thoughts at bay. Not felt this bad in so long. Absolutely devastated. X
  3. Hi everyone Hope you are all doing well. Been off the forums for some time, my longest ever gap I think, so pretty proud of myself. I haven't been nearly as bothered as I was in the past. Feel like everyday life took over and I almost didn't have time to worry about it all. However this weekend I had the mother of all panic attacks and I have very quickly slipped back into that anxiety filled state and negative mindset all to do with my false memory. Long story short, I have met a great guy, after the heartache and trauma of last year. Things had been going great. In recent months I've had some personal issues with parents and I've been pretty stressed with that and one or two other things. Went out on Saturday on a lovely date and had the most loveliest time, had a few drinks but nothing too crazy. In taxi on way home, thankfully with my partner, talking away and the next thing I started to not be able to breath, I could not get my breath, I was so hot and felt like I was suffocating, I panicked beyond believe shouting I needed to get out, I need air. It was horrific and I was so upset. Ended up sat on the floor in the rain sobbing and not understanding what just happened. Needless to say I hardly slept and was so embarrassed the next day. My partner said I was talking about my mum and dad just before it happened. I feel my partner and taxi driver must have been so worried. I can only describe it like I knew what was happening but had no control to stop it. Its brought everything flooding back about that night at the wedding. The worry, the realness, the feelings, everything and I'm devastated. It's made me think about not being in control etc. Appatantly when I got into bed I heard police sirens and I was saying the police are coming to get me... Why would I say that? It must be because I know my memory is real. I'm just reaching out for support as I don't know what to do and feel really sad and worried x
  4. So sorry I've not replied properly. I hardly ever seem to have a minute! Now I'm loaded with a cold Just really want to say thanks again for all your replies. One thing I've realised is that I'm not as 'desperate' to rush and reply or be checking every 2 minutes for a reply, so I do see this as a good sign that my grip on this is slightly better than it was in the past. I think I'm not allowing myself to let my mind wander. If I think about this though (if I actually question why I'm not allowing myself to ruminate) this can and does cause bad anxiety and I can quickly spiral. Life has been so busy that I guess I've not had as much time to be constantly thinking about it. Hope you are all ok. I appreciate all you guys said, apologies for not replying individually, I have read and taken on board all that each of you have said. Regarding decent guys out there...they do seem few and far between... Anyway not sure I could be bothered just now anyway, don't seem to have a minute for cuppa never mind a relationship ha! Got to laugh or you'd cry hey! X
  5. Hi I've not posted for a while (by my standards anyway) and just feeling incredibly down, lonely and anxious to name but a few. I have often thought about posting on here over the past couple of months but have resisted. Not wanting anyone to play me a violin but the past few months have been horrible in terms of personal heartache. As you know my partner left me last year. A few months ago I developed what I thought was a promising relationship with someone who seemed so genuine and different, too good to be true really (I'm sure there's a saying about that) and who seemed so keen. We spent hours chatting at night, making plans to meet up and then one day he completely ghosted me! He loved bombed me then ghosted me..unbelievable! Who even does that and why? That consumed me for weeks and weeks. Needless to say my confidence had taken another massive knock. My own intrusive thought has taken a bit of back seat during all this and hasn't bothered me as much. I've had doubts about it all still but somehow the trauma of my breakup and dealing with real life things has lessened the severity of it. However I do feel it creeping back and I've spent most of today with a horrid feeling of dread. I'm not sure if it's a mixture of everything. In all of this and even after all these years I'm not totally convinced my memory is false. As a single parent now I worry even more for my poor kids who are already heartbroken and the 2 older ones only have me as their dad died a few years ago. Just one of those rotten days. X
  6. I've been OK for a bit, getting on with life and Ignoring that horrible scenario when it comes knocking... But it's back again in full force. Yesterday and already most of this morning it's hit me really hard again and I've felt the rush of anxiety and distress throughout my body. 'it's real' is all I keep thinking, my body and the feelings are telling me it's true. I just need to vent a bit and I'm sorry I'm that broken record again. I'm just so panicked and scared :(
  7. Hi orwell Just want to say I am also very aware of myself at times. I have got into a bad habit of being hyper aware of how I speak, I have ever such a slight lisp and I ways think people are watching my mouth when I talk... This leads me to also get a bit tongue tied... Or worse I completely lose my train of thought because I'm too focused on how I look and how I'm coming accross when I talk. I also have the walking thing too and one or two other things. It is draining and exhausting and I don't really have any answers, other than to say you aren't alone. Some days are worse than others, although I'm not sure why this is xxx
  8. Thanks, I'll try my best to take your good advice. Just to clarify I didn't read something that started off this false memory... I thought of it after a night out when in a complete state of anxiety. Just but not sure if made it up or not 😔 x
  9. Sorry for late reply. Glad you were able to move away from that trigger gbg. It is that feeling that it's wrong to move away from it, like we are forcing ourselves. I can manage to do that a lot better than I did in the past but then it comes back to me and I feel I've been trying to bury something very real. X Thank you Roy. Just feel like I've been dealing with this for so long now, surely I should have gotten a tight grip on it by now x Yes that's very true Malina. My horrific fear has happened, I think that may be why I thought of it to begin with... Knowing that it has happened... Wondering/imagining if I could have done that... Then bam! Image and scenario appear But I'll never truly know and I can't live like this even thinking it could have, what if I ruined someone's life.... The evidence points to me not but still it's so hard as the feeling it produces overtakes everything. I'm better than I was believe it or not x Thanks Cub that's so sweet thank you. So bloody hard isn't it! Is it real, have I imagined it.. Etc etc.. So exhausting and distressing. Hope you are ok x Orwell...ahhh no don't go, hope you are ok... Sorry you feel you have to go... I messaged you. My messages were full, had no idea as don't use them much at all. Take time out of you need it, we will always be here when you are ready. Thanks for all your help. X Thanks everyone for all your replies, you are great forum friends and hope you are all doing OK xxx
  10. How does it work? X Not sure gbg, it just intensifies everything to do with it though. X Tried to ignore it bit it's still there Roy x IF I have ocd... That's my worry too, what If I don't x
  11. The title says it all. Having a coffee scrolling through Facebook and various news articles are always popping up. Think this was from the mirror paper. I have not been seeking out these articles, I just follow some online news sites and actually this was shared by a Facebook friend. A guy has been charged with being extremely intoxicated and mistaking a minor for an adult. It shows me my fear isn't irrational at all. Please help.
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