Chelsie

So, after months of much reduced ocd and then a really bad period over the Easter holidays, I am back at work after a 2 week break. I really hoped that being more occupied would help, but it just seems that my work-related contamination worries have worsened. My main problem is that some time before Easter, I saw one of my pupils put a plaster that had been covering a blister on their foot into the waste paper bin. If I’d spotted them doing it in time, I obviously would have told them to put it in the bin in the first aid room, but was too late. Even though the bin was later emptied, I now have the feeling that it is a source of contamination (hepatitis - as in know hiv wouldn’t stay contagious that long). Today, this bin was moved several times by pupils. When I returned to my room after a meeting, a piece of rubbish was next to the bin and I wondered whether it had been placed in the bin and then fallen out when it was moved. Someone came in to see me, saw this piece of rubbish (which I had been avoiding, although I know I might possibly have trodden on it before I noticed it was there) picked it up and put it in the bin. They then left my room, opening the door with the hand they had touched the rubbish/bin with. At this point, in panic, I did all the wrong things. I got some spare shoes and put them on, putting the shoes I had been wearing in the bin in the staff room. I did this by dropping them off of my feet into the bin without touching with my hands. They inevitably touched the rim if the bin, causing another contaminated area in another room. Have now left work, but leaving behind a disaster zone ready for tomorrow. Dreading having to go back

Off to work. Feel terrible, but going to stick on a smile and fake it! Maybe i’ll Fool myself too!

I think I generally manage to keep some sort of sense of humour throughout my ocd. However, I do sometimes get the idea that life is having a laugh at my expense! Popped out to the kitchen to put dinner on - returned to the lounge and it looked like there had been a massacre. On investigation, it appears that the cat has hurt his ear. There was blood everywhere as he’d obviously been shaking his head. All over the sofa, up the walls, in between all the buttons on the tv remote, splattered over the floor! Of course, when i looked more closely, it was spread throughout other rooms too! Kitchen cupboards would have made a good CSI investigation! Anyway, I’ve cleared up all that I can find. However, I’m guessing I’ll be finding more in the days to come. This is going to freak me out, of course. Grrrrrrrrrr

Daughter just came in and laid on the floor in front of me - a real challenge as everything tells me to get her to each her hands and change her clothes! I will stay strong!

Better end to the day - went out and got some fresh air. Should have done this straight away this morning. Felt I was hyper-aware if every perceived contamination danger, but pushed on through it and did shopping, put it away etc with no compulsions followed. Feel exhausted now! Hate feeling like this - when I go through several good months (as I have recently) I forget how bad it can be.

Hi Madchoc i haven’t got any good advice but didn’t want to leave you alone. See my post below to see that I’m having an equally bad day! I’ve just had to pop to the shops and I feel my glasses are contaminated - but I’ve put them on and I’m about to walk in for a small victory over ocd! My car is always a problem too - I used to be constantly wiping it down, but have stopped that now. However, I now spend much of my life avoiding touching parts of it when I’m having a bad ocd day, like today. But the bad days do pass - I try to aim for little victories on those days and look forward to days when ocd doesn’t take over all my thoughts. I’ve just had 2 weeks off work, which is always the worst time for me. Back to work tomorrow, and I’m hopeful being busy will leave less room in my head for ocd thoughts. Take care x

Ashamed to say that I made myself wait the hour, but then gave in and washed my foot. I’m sure I’ll regret it later, but at the moment, just feel relief

I’m trying hard but it’s not easy.

Had a bad morning - woke up worrying about a contamination issue from the previous evening and spent the morning giving in to continuous cycle of cleaning, washing hands etc. First session like this for months, although I’ve been aware that I was winding up to it all week. I was brought up short by my daughter commenting on what I was doing and forced myself to stop. Am now sitting on the sofa with a book and a glass of cold water and forcing myself not to give in to the compulsions I feel - I have one foot that I feel I have contaminated and I’m desperate to go and wash it, but I’ve set a timer for an hour, and I’m hoping that if I can hold off until then, the compulsion will have eased. any advice to keep me going?

Thanks, Polar Bear. Not at work this week, so went out for a lovely lunch with a friend. Now home and everything okish - just battling the early morning anxiety. Running - thanks for the solidarity!

I’m a sporadic contributor, I’m afraid. I’m on here a lot when things are bad, but tend to avoid the forum when I’m doing well, as I try not to define myself by my ocd. So, you’ve guessed it, I’m on here, so things aren’t going well. The good news is that I’ve just checked my activity, and I haven’t started a thread since last August. That’s 7 or 8 months of my ocd being generally under control. This period took in Christmas, which is often a tricky time for me. Times when I’m not busy and at work always seem worse, as I have more time to ruminate. My ocd is mainly about contamination. Blood is my main worry, but anything else that might spread germs is also bad. With the weather (slightly) improving, my cat has taken to spending more runs outdoors hunting. The last few days, he has brought several mice into the house (alive) and chased them around until I’ve got rid of them. Now feel that the whole house has potentially mouse poo/urine on it. This has started the cycle of hand washing etc. So cross with myself, especially for googling the dangers of exposture to mouse faeces and urine. Worry about danger to my daughter, but also the danger of giving in to my compulsion to ask her to wash her hands etc. back in the familiar dilemma of knowing there is a real danger, but also reacting inappropriately to it.

I’m embarrassed to be a sporadic contributor to this forum - when things are bad I tend to be on here a lot, when things are good I’m here less often as I try then no t to let the ocd define me. I’ve had ocd for about 20 years, in various forms, although contamination and checking tend to be my current issues. Historically, I tend to have relapses in the summer at Christmas - I’m not sure why, but I think that these are times when I have a break from work and have less to distract me. The he good news is that this is my first post this Christmas period! I’ve managed not to drive myself, or my family, crazy with compulsions this year! The thoughts have been there, but I’m have resisted the urge to act on them! I was determined to achieve this for once, and I’ve succeeded!

Alisando - I think I've come to the same conclusion as you: having too much 'free time' is bad for my OCD. Shame really, as otherwise I enjoy my holidays! Polar Bear - I did force myself to use a public toilet several times on holiday. I know avoiding them and all this entails (making sure I don't drink too much all day etc) is a compulsion - but during this holiday it was a survival strategy. Back to work today and I am determined to use the toilets there as and when I need - now I'm home, I need to start to actively fight my OCD.

I have propananol to take as needed to help with the physical symptoms of anxiety. I only take occasionally, but it is useful for this. As a teenager/young adult I used to get a rash and my fingers and lips used to swell when I had an increase in adrenaline in my body (e.g. When playing sport, feeling nervous, excited etc). I was given propananol for this too. I haven't noticed it having effect on OCD for me, though.

I would love to be able to leave OCD at home when I go on holiday - will certainly aim to do it next year! Unfortunately, it tends to be the time when it's at its worst - I can't bear public toilets and using a bathroom in a hotel/holiday house feels like using one constantly. Then the anxiety over this tends to make me hyper aware at other times too. The good news is that I really reduced my compulsions - although this was because there were other people around all the time so I didn't have the opportunity. Also avoided asking for reassurance - although once again mainly because the family I was away with get really angry with me regarding my OCD so I was trying to avoid arguments. What I did badly with was the constant thoughts - these are what others can't see and also what I find difficult to control.

Thanks for the reply. Finding it difficult as back from holiday and not surrounded by people as a distraction. Haven't done anything as a compulsion, but need to be strong and stop the thinking about it.

But is this a lie? Can't help thinking that actually stepping on a plaster is a real risk.

Did reasonably well on family holiday avoiding washing linked to contamination OCD once initial panic over. However, earlier in week we were walking through a town and I spotted a plaster on the pavement, sticky side down. I stepped round it but turned round to see my daughter step right on it. I didn't mention it to any one or clean her shoe. However, the thoughts about it are constantly in my head. On way home now and can't stop thinking about her walking into my house wearing these shoes.

So cross with myself for letting OCD interfere with enjoying my family holiday. I manage to avoid using public toilets, but of course everyone else uses them when we're out and about. Can't stop constantly focussing on the fact that their shoe soles are covered in germs (particularly hepatitis/hiv) and these are being y transferrred everywhere - what is it about my family that they seem to constantly want to touch their shoe soles with their hands, clothing, bags etc?

Absolutely understand. However, I'm also completely sure that her parents are really grateful to you for helping. I'm in awe of you for stopping and helping, despite the fact that doing so might set off your OCD. That's real bravery and facing your fears. One of the things that makes me feel very guilty is that my contamination OCD makes me hang back from any kind of first aid situation, in the hope that someone else will step in and sort it out and I can avoid putting myself into a situation that might make me anxious after the fact.

But I think that someone without OCD would have dealt with incidents better and therefore not leave the trail of danger behind that I have left.

But isn't it wrong to go and enjoy myself but leave danger for others to risk?

Yes I think so

Getting ready to go on holiday tomorrow. Feeling so terrible, I really doubt that it's worth the trouble! Last lot of washing is going round at the moment - then have to run it round to another family member's to tumble it as my dryer is broken. I've just become aware that leaving the house for a fortnight means abandoning some of the 'situations' I've got here. I can't just ignore them, as someone has to come in and feed the cats. The dryer has some damp clothes in that were waiting to dry when it broke - probably mouldy by now - which I couldn't cope with so left. I also have the worry that there are some clothes I wore when clearing up the mess after my cats brought in mice earlier this week - worried that someone coming in might touch them and be made ill. I'm not sure I can cope with this. Feels like it would be better just to stay at home.

Thanks BelAnna, had the best/worst situation for my OCD yesterday - water was suddenly turned off in my street from lunchtime till about 3 am. We were all given a 2 litre bottle of water - certainly reduced my hand washing for the afternoon/evening. Also meant I could not get on with any laundry - think I'll be taking fewer clothes away with me than I planned. Wish I could fast forward 24 hours and be on my way now! Please excuse quote below - did it by accident and can't delete!