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  1. Are you taking steps to get help though? For OCD, not anything else. Don't give up on that.
  2. P.S. If you're getting videos like that popping up in your feed it's because of previous searches. It's sending you you what it thinks you'll be interested by, that's all. If you delete your search history that will help stop that happening, and then stop searching for more!
  3. Hey, I haven't followed all of your posts, but I've read a few, I wanted to add a few things. I've had harm ocd and sexual ocd in the past: I think you need to seek out a professional, but it's so so easy to let it go, get swept along, turn to other things, especially when you're struggling. You need to make that a major focus and don't put it off. You need to fight to find a therapist who is right for you. I've had experiences of telling parents and doctors things weren't OK and getting nowhere, but then years later finding the right person. So make it your priority and don't stop until you find that person. I don't know your exact circumstances, but we can all stumble at times and pick ourselves back up. If you're in a bad place now there's next year, and next year and so on. Sort this out first though. Is seeing somebody privately possible for you? Some people will offer a sliding scale for payment. From what I've read you aren't at all bad, so don't act like you are. Sexuality and attraction are complex but I'm certain it's very easy to convince yourself you're feeling something when you aren't. I could have got back together with a wonderful girl who was really keen on me, but I pushed her away because of hang ups about my sexuality (it wasn't to do with the same things you worry about). At the time I thought I was being really virtuous but now I think I was just being a total idiot. I've done the same thing with leaving a good job for 'ethical' reasons. It's not my place to tell you if you should talk to family, but I would say that without understanding OCD it may be confusing for them. I told my Dad about my problems and he was totally cool about it, but not understanding OCD he couldn't give me the correct advice. He thought he was helping me but it wasn't really. I would think if you do talk to loved ones about it you should tell them about OCD, nothing else to begin with. I think you need to avoid everything you can that reminds you of this. Try some new activities, exercise, see friends, surround yourself with all the things which help calm you down. You're just digging yourself deeper like this, I've been there believe me! Stop digging and do something different.
  4. I think maybe it's made harder by cultural things. They way we drink in the UK, especially when young, is probably seen as excessive in some cultures. So AA could say you're an alcoholic but I wouldn't say you sound like it. I've had an alcoholic in my family, and you definitely don't fit that description, I've also heard of 'almost alcoholics' who drink a bit too much each week to relax (glass of wine or two each evening), I've been there, but currently getting on top of it. I would say seek treatment for OCD, not drinking, you're still young, don't let it mess your future up!! Be aware it can change to a new theme. But get treatment, don't let it go, find somebody who can help you. As a 40 year old now, I'd advise against heavy binge drinking, although when I was in my 20s I did it like everyone else! I've seen people get hurt because of stupid things they did in that state. Just enjoy a few drinks and if people pressure you to do more, just - don't! It may also make your OCD worse the next few days. Booze and mental health issues are never a good combination. Can you maybe treat your drinking and OCD separately? Decide what is a reasonable amount to drink for you - everybody kind of sets their own limits. There's no harm in being concerned about drinking a bit too much in a non-OCD way. It's totally cool to drink nothing at all, or drink the amount the Government sets as recommended, or drink more but be aware of it, take time off drinking and so on. But do it because you think that works for you, not because of an obsession.
  5. Yeah these days I do. Just struggled a lot when I was younger. It's tough!
  6. Maybe this is a strange question. I had a lot of trouble in my family because my parents were both very difficult when it came to understanding my mental health problems and doing stuff about them. They meant well, but it was very hard to get through to them. I think part of my reason for finding it so hard is that - if you have OCD you know that somebody blaming you for something could really upset you. Being told one thing which the OCD latches onto could hurt you for months, years even. So, you assume that that's how it works with other people. Like I hated the fact that my Dad smoked, but when I finally got up the courage to tell him I couldn't bring myself to say he had to quit. I just said he should cut down. It was because I was so scared of what would happen if he wasn't able to quit after I'd said he needed to for my mental health, that he'd be so troubled. It's true that he had real problems with alcohol too, so he was fragile, but really, I think for him it would never have had that effect that a thought can have on an OCD mind. If somebody said to an OCD sufferer - you have to do this for me, or I'll really struggle, it could be very tough if you couldn't then do what you'd been asked. So, I'd tell my parents things very gently, like "I don't want to hurt you, I love you so much, but you didn't look after me properly on this occasion", and think I'd told them enough. In reality I should have been shouting and swearing and saying how incredibly angry I was and then doing it all again the next day until it got through to them. Maybe it doesn't work like this at all, but I'd be interested in hearing people's experiences.
  7. If it makes life difficult for you then it might be worth looking into a diagnosis. In my case I really struggle with organisation, sleep and many jobs. Between that and OCD it's really made life hard.
  8. Hey, thanks for that insight. Maybe it is that way round. There's definitely an OCD element to it, in that I can stop doing it if I use mindfulness. But it may well be behind the OCD at the same time. My family were difficult in a way I still don't understand. Two therapists have also been at a loss for how they acted. They turned what should have been a manageable situation into a total disaster by not doing any of the sensible things I expected, not being able to grasp simple things like OCD being a long term condition which could recur. In spite of being well-meaning people, they really messed my life and my mind up. So - it's very hard not to get angry whenever OCD comes back. I'll mention it to the therapist I'm seeing.
  9. I just wondered if anybody else gets this type of OCD and compulsion. Without going into all the details, my parents were well meaning people who were completely tone deaf to mental health. They found it incredibly hard to understand my OCD and this was on top of my Dad struggling with alcoholism. Anyway, it has caused me a huge amount of harm and meant I've missed out on what could have been a great life. My Dad is no longer alive, but my Mum is and she tries to help me a lot these days. I'm not naturally someone who likes to blame people and make them feel bad. The thing is when I get OCD spikes, one of the things which comes back is this incredible anger, and I think it's OCD type compulsions to go over and over what my parents got wrong. It can be all day - well anyone with OCD knows that experience. The thing is it makes me act really badly towards my Mum which is terrible. I can see now that it's a compulsion and I'm getting better at ignoring it. I just wondered if anybody else had had this experience. I think it is OCD but maybe an unusual type?
  10. Yeah it's so hard! I don't really have contamination OCD but I was being at what what I'd call the far end of normal cautious. I think I'd say follow the government guidelines. Can you see where they end and your obsession starts? It's about doing what is reasonable to keep others safe. I think you could check up, without it being reassurance, as long as you don't keep checking. Just see what they recommend and stick to that.
  11. Yeah I think that's it! Have to fight it. Indecisiveness is part of it too I'm sure.
  12. Maybe this is a strange question... Ive had OCD since age 14, and I'm 40 now. I've struggled a lot in terms of direction in life. As well as bad episodes of OCD, I've had more low level perfectionism making it almost impossible to decide on a career direction, and making me feel that everything is spoiled somehow or other (and some other messed up stuff I won't go into). As soon as I find a direction my brain seems to get busy finding a reason I can't do it for a job. Some OCD related thing. I think now I could move forward and stick to something, but it's so hard to decide what to do. Everything's been so jumbled up for so long. It's like I haven't been able to ever have a dream, or a plan really. I think some people are able to have that from a young age. So - I don't know if that makes any sense. Does anyone have any tips for kind of resetting things and starting afresh?
  13. This is a late response but I really related to your initial post. I have read your initial post and this one here. I had a breakdown which was similar to this in a way and absolutely destroyed me for months. I had another shorter one where I saw some videos of underage girls in swimming costumes on Youtube when I was looking for something else. I wasn't aroused by it, nor had I been looking for it, but that's OCD for you. It's like you feel guilty by simply having seen something. I really feel for you trying to get answers over some random image online. I know offering reassurance is the wrong thing to do. I can't offer reassurance as to who was in the pic. What I will say is - I'm sure you know most men look at porn of some kind. I don't see that you've done anything wrong in relation to child abuse, that seems to be what's upsetting you. If you didn't seek that image out then you've done nothing wrong. You don't need to tell any girls about it, there's nothing to confess. You won't be able to find out who made the image, it will have gone round the internet for ages if it's a meme. You were looking online and an image came up which upset you, is all you seem to have done. It sounds like classic OCD. You're feeling the shame and sense of being unworthy. I would say keep exploring help, books, good websites, therapists if you can. Try the NHS if you haven't already. I lost my chance to get back with an amazing girl who could have really helped me and made me happy, and I think I could have made her happy too, all because of this type of OCD. I would really say don't let it spoil things for you.
  14. Hey, sorry if I'm hijacking this thread. It's very interesting to me. My Dad was very perfectionist. He was brilliant at making things - wooden furniture for example, but he would get irate if things were wrong. He smoked a lot and drank way too much and I think it was connected. I don't know for sure if it would count as OCD. I do have OCD which takes many forms. I definitely have elements of perfectionism at work. I also have ADHD, so am prone to making stupid mistakes. So - can you imagine what that's like?! I had a really bad breakdown and relapse of OCD when I found I'd have to go back to work with the new covid measures in place, as I have to serve the public. I was so worried about making mistakes. After speaking to my manager a lot and making loads of preparations I've been able to handle it. If you're studying I'm guessing you may still be fairly young - I'd advise you watch out for drink as potential issue. I'm sure my Dad drank to get over the pressure of a long day trying to be perfect. I do the same myself and always regret it. It can come at any age - I didn't start to drink in that way until my 30s. Good luck with it all anyway
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