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muddledmother

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    East of England

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  1. Hiya, I haven't been on in such a long time. I'd been trying to avoid being on here to stop me constantly reassurance seeking, I also had a tech break. I just wanted to ask some advice really, if it is okay? I'm a single parent to my little one who is two, I split from her dad a long while ago now. I'd eventually love to settle down again, but I have one thing that is really playing on my mind. Every time I think I should go back on the dating scene (god I hate that expression) my mind likes to put the fear that what if that person is a paedophile and will abuse my daughter. My main worry to that is I can't really go on gut instinct of how someone is as my OCD likes to say that everyone is out to hurt my little girl, even me, my family and her own dad! I constantly panic about those even though I know I am being silly. So the thought if getting with someone and risking my daughters life isn't worth it, but then I am thinking is that the OCD making me panic or should I be this worried. Like even trying to rationalize with myself and think well I wouldn't ever introduce them for at least a year if not more, but then thats when the OCD likes to kick in and make me think well, what if after that year the person was just pretending to be nice and would then go on to hurt her. My brain is like a constant battle, it drives me mad! Do you think maybe I should just wait until she is older or if not how do I go about knowing what is my OCD and what is my gut feeling?
  2. Sorry I didn’t see the message above, yes I was diagnosed back in 2013 even though I’ve been battling with the thoughts for many years before hand. I’ve only just recently got the right sort of help back in April as before that I was flippantly just shrugged off. I could do with some more therapy sessions and my psychiatrist said he would look into it, but on the plans that were written up and on the copy sent to me there is no mention of looking into more sessions on the next step bit :/
  3. What would you say is the best way to distract from doing the compulsions? ive noticed since my depression has come back and I’ve been ill that the thoughts have really been hanging around and I’ve noticed how bad I’ve been dealing with not reacting to thoughts.
  4. Thank you, how long would you say they normally take to get into the system and show a that they are slightly working. The psychiatrist didn’t say how long to give it so I’m a bit baffled.
  5. I know, I’m sorry I’ve seeker reassurance, normally I can just let things go but this one has totally got me and has made me question if I should be her mum anymore. I’m panicking every time I change her nappy now, although I am getting on with it as best I can and trying not to think about it too much when im actually changing it. I’m just worried that I actually acted on this one and even though I didn’t abuse her I still put my hand there when I really shouldn’t have :/
  6. Please be honest do you think that I can’t look after my little girl anymore and that I should get her to live with my parents instead? That way she will be safe.
  7. So I was changing my daughters nappy and then I touched her bits with my finger!! I feel sick that I even did it, I’m so all over the place right now and this sickness bug has made my brain so all over the place too!! I don’t know why I bloody did it, my brain just said hover your hand over her bits and then I did, I just placed my finger on there. I placed it on the outside, not that it makes it okay I just wanted to clarify I hadn’t hurt her in case people thought that. I dont know why I did it! I should of just wiped her and that was it but once again my stupid mind has taken control of me! I honestly don’t feel like my little girl is safe anymore. I’m so worried I’m going to harm her, not out of ever wanting to but out of carrying out stupid compulsions!! She deserves a much better mum than me, all I do is bloody put her at risk! I feel like I need to be locked up because even though I don’t do it out of wanting to I still feel like I should be locked away!
  8. Hiya yeah that’s what I mean, it’s as if I’m going to go ahead and do it and then at the last minute it’s like my mind goes, nope and then that’s it but it’s on a loop over and over again. Ive actually just purchased that book as lots of people has recommend it to me so will start giving it a read
  9. Just wondering how can I stop myself going to do compulsions? I never really got much help from the therapist regarding that side of it when I went to therapy, so I don’t know how to deal with that part. It’s a constant battle as I am always going to do it then stop at the last second, I can’t quite understand why I do it though?
  10. Fluoxetine, I’m currently on 40mg and have been on them a week. I’ve noticed since taking them my intrusive thoughts and constant urge to carry compulsions out have become stronger since then, is this normal, will it settle down or do I need to change my meds. I only see a psychiatrist every 3 months and to be honest I didn’t reslly rate him as he promised me a load of things but didn’t follow them through. I’ve also never had a follow up appointment from my GP, the last time I went there about my meds was just after my daughter was born and that was nearly 2 years ago! I just assumed they didn’t do them, but I’ve been told I should of had them from my GP? I’m still so confused of what the protocol is in my area so I’ve just always assumed we didn’t need to see them. I hope that that made some sense, my brain is all over the shop at the moment.
  11. No that is true, it’s frustrating that my OCD has picked at this because I was watching comedy as a way to relax away from the thoughts and now it’s gone and made a new scenario. I struggle with not reacting to the thought, it’s something I think I need to tackle for sure. That makes huge sense and is a great way to explain it, thank you The thing most worrying and frustrating for me at the minute is I keep going to act on the compulsion sometimes not realising until the last second, I don’t fwwl I can relax because when I do is when it starts to kick in and I constantly nearly go to do it. I feel like I have to be alert and on watch for my action every second of the day because as soon as I start to slightly relax it kicks in again :/
  12. Okay so I don’t even know where to start without sounding a little mad. My thoughts normally revolve around harm of sexual thoughts around my daughter. I’m slowly starting to tackle them and I was having some me time. I was watching a comedy gig where they just mentioned how he used to work in a special needs school and one kid had got a bit angry and hooked his finger into his eye and scratched all of it. My reaction to it was god I bet that was painful and that was it. A few hours later I then had this awful intrusive thought of poking my daughter in the eye which that joke had triggered off!! Why did it pick such a random trigger, am I just stark raving mad or do I put this down to another silly ocd thought. The strong urge to do the compulsion of poking her in the eye is awful and I’ve found myself having to clench my hands a lot to stop myself going to do the urge as obviously I don’t want to hurt my little girl at all! im also annoyed because every time I see that comedian anywhere now it literally just throws the thought at me. My mind is really stressing me out now and ruining my life
  13. Thank you PolarBear for helping I really do appreciate it. I’m finding it difficult because as soon as I tackle one thought another pops up and it just feels like a constant battle. I am struggling more with resisting the urge to do a compulsion which is frustrating as they are such dangerous compulsions, that’s the one area I have really struggled to tackle over the years with this and it always feels like I’m going to do them as well which then rises up more panic. I just don’t seem to know how to ignore the compulsions and it’s as if my mind is saying just do them and the thought will go. I’m never wanting to do the compulsion out of getting enjoyment it’s out of trying to get it to calm down in my head if that makes sense?
  14. I hoesntly am struggling at how to stop doing them, I feel like a have zero will power at the minute. I’m so run down with a family situation and caring for my daughter on my own that I genuinely have lost all hope in myself. Even when I try to distract myself they come back even more and I panic the most not at the intrusive thoughts but at the urges to do the compulsions because the compulsions that are hanging around on my head are quite frankly awful and the urge to do them is disturbing. i do realise I put myself down, it’s a habit from being put down for years by others and not being good enough. It’s another battle I have with myself is that I see no positives in myself so I am the first to put myself down and say horrid things about myself. I think I second guess out of sheer panic of the unknown of what if I do a dangerous compulsion and I’m just rubbish at telling myself to get a grip. The annoying thing is I can see where I’m going wrong and where I’m hitting a brick wall it for some reason I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole and I’m so angry that I’ve gone from doing not too bad to now back to square one of feeling like rubbish. i did ask for some more therapy sessions as my last ones were in April but I was told it might not be possible as I’ve already had 20 sessions over the course of the year. i think I’m just majorly struggling at being a mum and it’s then spiralling me down into feeling so low and then it’s triggered off all of the intrusive thoughts :/
  15. Okay I won’t buy it, I think I just need some serious reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I’ve had a really bad day today, I’ve had the horrible urges to act on the intrusive thought on abusing my daughter and it’s felt so awful all day, I freaked out putting her cream on whilst changing her nappy and it’s pushed me right over the edge. I feel sick and it honestly felt like I was going to actually do the compulsion and touch her inappropriately. I feel so angry and upset with myself as i was doing fine and now this awful time in my life has come along it’s knocked me all the way back down. I literally wish I was dead now because my daughter would be a lot safer without me around. im constantly battling with my head and I’ve always got the thoughts of what if I am a paedophile and the horrible thought that I just haven’t done anything because I don’t want to get caught, then I’ll get another thought of well you can do it because no one would ever know and I literally feel sick. I’m so run down, I’m a rubbish mum and I feel so angry and always think why me, what did I do to deserve being punished this way. I’m sorry that I’ve really ranted just then, i just feel like I’ve totally lost control of my life and I’m a danger around my daughter, I’m petrified I’m going to end up carry out a compulsion because I’m not in the right frame of mind and I don’t feel strong.
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