Jump to content

muddledmother

Bulletin Board User
  • Content Count

    22
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    East of England

Recent Profile Visitors

57 profile views
  1. muddledmother

    I’ve just done the worst thing possible!

    Please be honest do you think that I can’t look after my little girl anymore and that I should get her to live with my parents instead? That way she will be safe.
  2. So I was changing my daughters nappy and then I touched her bits with my finger!! I feel sick that I even did it, I’m so all over the place right now and this sickness bug has made my brain so all over the place too!! I don’t know why I bloody did it, my brain just said hover your hand over her bits and then I did, I just placed my finger on there. I placed it on the outside, not that it makes it okay I just wanted to clarify I hadn’t hurt her in case people thought that. I dont know why I did it! I should of just wiped her and that was it but once again my stupid mind has taken control of me! I honestly don’t feel like my little girl is safe anymore. I’m so worried I’m going to harm her, not out of ever wanting to but out of carrying out stupid compulsions!! She deserves a much better mum than me, all I do is bloody put her at risk! I feel like I need to be locked up because even though I don’t do it out of wanting to I still feel like I should be locked away!
  3. muddledmother

    Is this strange?

    Hiya yeah that’s what I mean, it’s as if I’m going to go ahead and do it and then at the last minute it’s like my mind goes, nope and then that’s it but it’s on a loop over and over again. Ive actually just purchased that book as lots of people has recommend it to me so will start giving it a read
  4. muddledmother

    Is this strange?

    Just wondering how can I stop myself going to do compulsions? I never really got much help from the therapist regarding that side of it when I went to therapy, so I don’t know how to deal with that part. It’s a constant battle as I am always going to do it then stop at the last second, I can’t quite understand why I do it though?
  5. Fluoxetine, I’m currently on 40mg and have been on them a week. I’ve noticed since taking them my intrusive thoughts and constant urge to carry compulsions out have become stronger since then, is this normal, will it settle down or do I need to change my meds. I only see a psychiatrist every 3 months and to be honest I didn’t reslly rate him as he promised me a load of things but didn’t follow them through. I’ve also never had a follow up appointment from my GP, the last time I went there about my meds was just after my daughter was born and that was nearly 2 years ago! I just assumed they didn’t do them, but I’ve been told I should of had them from my GP? I’m still so confused of what the protocol is in my area so I’ve just always assumed we didn’t need to see them. I hope that that made some sense, my brain is all over the shop at the moment.
  6. muddledmother

    Is this strange?

    No that is true, it’s frustrating that my OCD has picked at this because I was watching comedy as a way to relax away from the thoughts and now it’s gone and made a new scenario. I struggle with not reacting to the thought, it’s something I think I need to tackle for sure. That makes huge sense and is a great way to explain it, thank you The thing most worrying and frustrating for me at the minute is I keep going to act on the compulsion sometimes not realising until the last second, I don’t fwwl I can relax because when I do is when it starts to kick in and I constantly nearly go to do it. I feel like I have to be alert and on watch for my action every second of the day because as soon as I start to slightly relax it kicks in again :/
  7. Okay so I don’t even know where to start without sounding a little mad. My thoughts normally revolve around harm of sexual thoughts around my daughter. I’m slowly starting to tackle them and I was having some me time. I was watching a comedy gig where they just mentioned how he used to work in a special needs school and one kid had got a bit angry and hooked his finger into his eye and scratched all of it. My reaction to it was god I bet that was painful and that was it. A few hours later I then had this awful intrusive thought of poking my daughter in the eye which that joke had triggered off!! Why did it pick such a random trigger, am I just stark raving mad or do I put this down to another silly ocd thought. The strong urge to do the compulsion of poking her in the eye is awful and I’ve found myself having to clench my hands a lot to stop myself going to do the urge as obviously I don’t want to hurt my little girl at all! im also annoyed because every time I see that comedian anywhere now it literally just throws the thought at me. My mind is really stressing me out now and ruining my life
  8. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    Thank you PolarBear for helping I really do appreciate it. I’m finding it difficult because as soon as I tackle one thought another pops up and it just feels like a constant battle. I am struggling more with resisting the urge to do a compulsion which is frustrating as they are such dangerous compulsions, that’s the one area I have really struggled to tackle over the years with this and it always feels like I’m going to do them as well which then rises up more panic. I just don’t seem to know how to ignore the compulsions and it’s as if my mind is saying just do them and the thought will go. I’m never wanting to do the compulsion out of getting enjoyment it’s out of trying to get it to calm down in my head if that makes sense?
  9. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    I hoesntly am struggling at how to stop doing them, I feel like a have zero will power at the minute. I’m so run down with a family situation and caring for my daughter on my own that I genuinely have lost all hope in myself. Even when I try to distract myself they come back even more and I panic the most not at the intrusive thoughts but at the urges to do the compulsions because the compulsions that are hanging around on my head are quite frankly awful and the urge to do them is disturbing. i do realise I put myself down, it’s a habit from being put down for years by others and not being good enough. It’s another battle I have with myself is that I see no positives in myself so I am the first to put myself down and say horrid things about myself. I think I second guess out of sheer panic of the unknown of what if I do a dangerous compulsion and I’m just rubbish at telling myself to get a grip. The annoying thing is I can see where I’m going wrong and where I’m hitting a brick wall it for some reason I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole and I’m so angry that I’ve gone from doing not too bad to now back to square one of feeling like rubbish. i did ask for some more therapy sessions as my last ones were in April but I was told it might not be possible as I’ve already had 20 sessions over the course of the year. i think I’m just majorly struggling at being a mum and it’s then spiralling me down into feeling so low and then it’s triggered off all of the intrusive thoughts :/
  10. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    Okay I won’t buy it, I think I just need some serious reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I’ve had a really bad day today, I’ve had the horrible urges to act on the intrusive thought on abusing my daughter and it’s felt so awful all day, I freaked out putting her cream on whilst changing her nappy and it’s pushed me right over the edge. I feel sick and it honestly felt like I was going to actually do the compulsion and touch her inappropriately. I feel so angry and upset with myself as i was doing fine and now this awful time in my life has come along it’s knocked me all the way back down. I literally wish I was dead now because my daughter would be a lot safer without me around. im constantly battling with my head and I’ve always got the thoughts of what if I am a paedophile and the horrible thought that I just haven’t done anything because I don’t want to get caught, then I’ll get another thought of well you can do it because no one would ever know and I literally feel sick. I’m so run down, I’m a rubbish mum and I feel so angry and always think why me, what did I do to deserve being punished this way. I’m sorry that I’ve really ranted just then, i just feel like I’ve totally lost control of my life and I’m a danger around my daughter, I’m petrified I’m going to end up carry out a compulsion because I’m not in the right frame of mind and I don’t feel strong.
  11. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    Thank you both, for the kind words and support I really do appreciate it. Today has been a bit of a meh day. Part of me is doing well in trying not to give any attention to the thought, the other part has been doing silly compulsions which has made me cross at myself for. I’m finding myself giving a meaning to every little thing. This evening I was just cuddling my daughter whilst she was settling for bed and my arm was just resting on her leg, she pulled a funny face and moved my hand so it was cuddling her around her waist and now all I can think is, she has moved my hand because I’ve touched her in my sleep and now she’s wary! It’s probably complete rubbish and my ocd trying to trick me, but there is still that part of me that really believes that maybe I have touched her in my sleep. I hate the thought of not knowing what I’m doing when asleep and I’ve even contemplated getting a camera just to make sure I haven’t done anything. My other intrusive thoughts, although still all awful, I found easier as they were ones that dealt with issues whilst awake so I always knew well I’ve not done that or I’ve not done this, whereas trying to figure out if I’ve maybe done something whilst asleep is the hardest battle to deal with ever. I really hate how much I’m not enjoying motherhood because I’m constantly scared that I could be harming my child and always worrying when I’m around her. I just wish I could enjoy it more like other new mums.
  12. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    Thank you for the kind words, today had been hit and miss. Managed to let a few thoughts just float around, others I did end up battling with. I’m still dreading bedtime and hate the thought of her coming into my bed, it hadn’t helped that this morning the covers were off of her, so my mind flipped and just jumped straight to the thought that I had done that as I’d abused her. Im stuck in the middle of trying to ignore any attention to the thought but also on the other hand worrying because it’s something I wouldn’t know I was doing if I was doing it in my sleep. i candela with the thoughts when awake as I know what I’m doing, so I don’t have any doubts there, but I’ve no idea what I’m doing, for all I know I could of hurt her in my sleep without me even knowing, it also worries me more as she can’t even tell me, where as if I had done it to a partner I’d know if I’d done it as they’d say something, does that bit make sense?
  13. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    I know it’s been so tough right now. My head has been all over the place, my depression has come spiralling out of control and this thought Has come back worse than ever! I’m taking control of any compulsions or thoughts during the day and slowly getting back on track with them but the thoughts about me abusing her in my sleep just won’t go and I cannot stop panicking. It’s been made worse as my sister was saying about her husband keeps doing things in his sleep to my sister like accidently grabbing her arm and shaking her, shouting at her but thinking it’s someone else etc and now I’m just even move panicked that i May hurt my little girl in my sleep, cause I’ve no idea if I have ever sleep walked etc. I’m just in such a bad state it’s unreal.
  14. muddledmother

    It’s been a while, slight relapse :\

    Yes definitely, I think my main compulsions are avoiding the situation and constantly thinking about it, over analysing the what ifs. I worry more though because if I ever did do something, I could never forgive myself and because I would never know if I did something in my sleep if that makes sense? :/
  15. So it’s been a while since I was last on here if I’m honest. I’d been putting techniques into place that worked well, I was getting on with life and enjoying spending time with my little girl without overthinking and I shrugged off any doubts. That was until a couple of days ago, it’s as if I’ve had a relapse come out of no where. I’ve tried putting all the right techniques into place to deal with the problem but nothing seems to be working,added to the fact I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, so it’s just eating up inside of me. My little girl sometimes comes into my bed when she’s restless in the middle of the night. I was put off from doing this for ages as I was scared I was going to do something, but I didn’t let that thought get in the way and slowly I stopped thinking about If I was going to hurt her in my sleep. That was until a couple of days ago, now she does fidget a lot and at some points she’s literally laying on my face over my pillow but I woke up 2 days ago and noticed my whole hand was touching right where her bottom and private parts were, I remember waking up and jumping out of my skin whilst moving my hand away. I’ve tried to let this one slide but it just won’t go, I’ve got this awful panic that I’ve done something to her now whilst she’s been sleeping and I just can’t get the worry or thought out of my head, no matter what technique I try. It has now got to the stage again where I’m no longer wanting her in my room or near me again as I’m scared I’ll do something in my sleep. Im just upset and disappointed as I was doing so well and I was finally enjoying being a mother but now it’s gone back to this again. I know I’ve been extremely stressed financially and with my little girls behaviour recently which hasn’t helped to feeling really run down and useless but now with this happening it’s another thing to add to the stressful situation.
×