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Llb93

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  1. So I know it’s normal to get intrusive imagery/visuals as I get that, but is it normal to have an intrusive internal voice? More often I will get repetitive thoughts usually along the lines of harming someone I love. A common and frequent one for me is “I hope -insert family member here- dies of cancer” it’s really awful and makes me feel awful and it happens frequently. To make myself feel better I think “shut up brain” or I wish the thoughts on myself...is this normal for OCD? It makes me feel like I’m crazy and have a more serious mental illness.
  2. When I was about 16 I came across an 11 year old girl who went viral on YouTube. Little backstory was known about her so everyone just saw her as a bit obnoxious and rude. Sometimes I would research her because I wondered how she grew up. Years later I researched her and basically came across a news article that spoke about how her nudes leaked online. I became scared that I had seen an underaged persons nudes when looking for updates. Then I went in YouTube and watched her videos because I was scared that her videos were inappropriate. Most of them were just swear words but one of them showed her head in the dark and I clicked on it and she was just talking but as she adjusted the camera it appeared she was naked! I didn’t see anything and I’m fairly sure this is the first time I saw this video...but now I keep telling myself I’m a p* because I should have known that if someone is filming in the dark they might be naked and now I just generally feel like a p* even though I’m not attracted to children.
  3. Thank you...I feel like I have 20. Can you have false thoughts as well? So like say if I read a news article about a murderer years later my OCD might say that I approved of the murderer. I’ve had intrusive thoughts for years and at one point I was ignoring them, because of that I also end up looking back at some of the thoughts and wondering if I genuinely felt them. Lately I’m a little better but reading the news is kind of triggering to me because if I read about a bad person I start to convince myself I am like them and start looking for evidence...
  4. Can you have lots of false memories? I have a memory that when I was a teenager I read an article about some woman who decided to pierce her cats ears. I can’t remember what I thought at the time...hopefully i thought it was bad but obviously now i do. Now for the possible false memory...an image pops into my head that I held earrings up to my cats ears and tried to pierce them. It feels real... I think it stems from the fact that when I was maybe 10 I put a mini peg on her ears and tail because I thought she looked funny. Even though I was young I always feel pretty bad about this. But I keep thinking...maybe if I did that I would do other stuff too...deep down I’m pretty sure I haven’t but I hate how real the image feels.
  5. Hi, I want to talk about when my OCD got really bad. When I was 20, a singer that I had a really big crush on was found out to be a p*. I keep monitoring all my thoughts that were happening during that time. I was lonely, was going through a bad time and my grandparent had passed. I remember constantly reading the news articles because I just couldn’t believe it, I read them constantly for a week hoping it was a hoax. I remember imagining him as a good person in my dreams because I didn’t want to find a bad person attractive. I remember torturing myself by listening to their music and watching a couple of music videos and just feeling sad and sick. I feel like to an extent this is kind of normal? The problem is I can’t differentiate between intrusive thoughts and genuine wanted thoughts from the past and it bothers me. I live in my own head sometimes, and for some reason I imagined myself being his partner and being interviewed about finding out he was a p* and then getting people to beat him up in prison. I tell myself I must have been jealous of any woman who dated him- why would I be jealous of someone who dated a p*? I had some thoughts that I hope are intrusive, a few days later I was at the supermarket and I felt uncomfortable around children because I kept having thoughts of me with him and him trying to steal them. I keep telling myself, what if I deliberately imagined that because I wanted to be a p* to be with him. I read articles and felt sad, but I keep telling myself that I must have felt sorry for him and was ‘proud’ of him. Around three weeks later I know 100% I was getting intrusive thoughts. I was at my grandpas funeral and I started crying and all of a sudden a horrible visual of him doing not very nice things popped in my head. I knew it was going to happen because I was trying to resist it. I didn’t know what intrusive thoughts were at the time and they started getting worse and worse and then I found out. Surely I wouldn’t fantasise about the very things I had intrusive thoughts about?
  6. I have a feeling that when I was a teenager I once pulled an animal hair out of my private part and I found it strangely satisfying (not in a sexual way) so I put it back in and pulled it out. Is this b*stiality?
  7. When I was about 22 I was nosing at a profile of someone I know. They had a link to their YouTube videos and one of them was called ‘dog lick’ or something along those lines. I probably thought it was an odd title but I clicked on it because it was someone I know and I was curious. A dog was licking her hand or something and anyway on the side bar a lot of very horrible videos came up and I freaked out and quit. To be honest...I didn’t know YouTube even had that kind of content. i often tell myself. ‘You knew it was a strange title, what if you were curiously seeing if she was doing bad stuff’. It bothers me a lot. To be honest, it could have said anything like ‘I fall over’ and I still would have clicked on it because I’m nosy. I also keep telling myself that occasionally that horrible type of content came up on Facebook around that time with hackers and I was so scared to hover near it because I didn’t want to see a single second. I keep trying to reassure myself but it’s not working too well...if I was so horrified by that kind of content, why would I click on something thinking it could be it? Maybe I just clicked out of mere curiosity because it’s someone I know and my brain is as usual adding meaning to everything.
  8. Hi, I think I’m overdramatising and seeking meaning in things again but I have no clue really. years ago I had a partner. We planned to sleep together one night. I was on the pill so I knew pretty much exactly when my time of the month would start. On the night we were going to sleep together I was starting to have cramps, and from that I assumed that probably in the next day I would start. So before I went to see him I checked that I hadn’t started and a few hours later we had sex. The next morning I woke up and checked and I had only just started. I keep telling myself that this was basically r*pe because although I assumed I wasn’t going to start I should have said etc etc. Am I being over dramatic? Then I keep telling myself what if I did start and didn’t realise?
  9. I’ve managed to convince myself that I had a crush on a cousin when I was 14-16. To be honest, I don’t know if I did. I just have memories of somehow finding their social media profile and occasionally looking on it and thinking they were ‘cool’ because they were older than me. I tried looking for my other cousins too, but they weren’t on there. This thought does pop in my head from time to time over the past five years or so, ‘maybe you fancied your cousin’. But I keep ruminating and turning everything into a sign that I must have fancied him. I didn’t want to meet up at their house once...probably just because I’m awkward and maybe I felt awkward knowing that I had seen his social media, but I keep telling myself it’s because I had a crush. When I was young I think I felt awkward in general meeting my extended family because I had such low confidence and couldn’t talk...but I still keep saying maybe it’s cause I fancied them. I remember once a grandparent spoke about how he had a partner and I feel like I must have been jealous. Probably just of the fact that everyone had partners and I didn’t as I felt the same about my female cousin whenever it was mentioned, but still. But this one thought keeps popping into my head that I must have thought ‘I like him why do we have to be cousins’ and that bothers me because I don’t know if it’s true and I can’t rationalise it if it is because it is wrong. This particular concern has been around for maybe five years. It sucks...I don’t want to ever have fancied my cousin... ?
  10. Not sure if my head is mistaking mere curiosity for something much worse...very frustrating.
  11. This is embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I used to have unusual fantasies that occur in my brain. I am in no way attracted to people younger than me. Once I had a fantasy of wearing braces. The thing is, I watched YouTube videos on braces etc and many involve children/teens. Then I would imagine myself with that in my head and I think I got a kick out of imagining myself. I feel like this is insanely wrong. I never do it anymore...
  12. Thank you, that’s the thing for me, when I’m like this I have so many thoughts swirling in my mind one after the other...I’m sure many of them are false or warped in some way. But it all sort of comes at once. Then when I’m out of it all I will get the odd thought every so often and just dismiss it.
  13. Thank you, is it normal to sometimes get three or four different thoughts a day? I don’t get just one, I’ll get another one and then another one will come in within the next hour or so.
  14. Hi, Pretty much all of my ocd revolves around concerns that I’m a bad person. I flared with it about two weeks ago and I’m still not feeling good but I’m functioning a bit better. my thought process at the moment sort of goes like this. I’ll reassure myself of something, then I’ll get over it and then my brain will say ‘yeah but what about this’ then panic ensues and I’m off to ruminating about something else. In addition to this, it feels like half of my thoughts are real but they are either being altered by OCD or false memories are being filled in as I try to fill in the gaps. It feels like I don’t really know what reality is anymore. At the moment, I’m going through this maybe three times a day? Like as soon as I feel calm about something I’ll get 20 minutes of normality and then my mind will say ‘yes but remember when you did this?’ (Or did I?) and then I get stuck in the loop again. It’s hard to fully dismiss the thoughts because I know some of them may be rooted in reality so it feels like I’m realistically piecing it altogether. Is this expected in OCD? I’m exhausted!
  15. Hi, I have not been formally diagnosed by a mental health professional, but five years ago when my symptoms came to a head my doctor said it sounds like I have OCD. I went on sertraline and for me personally, it didn’t help. I find that I suffer more from OCD when I am lonely, have little purpose, bored etc which is why it has come back during lockdown as I have been made redundant and don’t have friends in my area, so I have nothing to do other than to ruminate. Beforehand, my OCD came back when I was being bullied by a flat mate and was retreating to my room to hide from her, and the time before my OCD hit me when I was super lonely in the summer and was worried about what my last year at uni was going to be like. In between I still get intrusive thoughts, but when I’m not in the throes of OCD I don’t engage with them. All of my intrusive thoughts are centred around me being a bad person, some are what I think may be false memories, and some are real yet I feel my OCD has sort of skewed them and blown them out of proportion. For example, if I accidentally caused somebody harm, I may convince myself that I actually did it deliberately. When the intrusive thoughts come in during the midst of OCD I feel physically ill. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I feel completely detached and guilt ridden because I’m so convinced that I am terrible. When my OCD first flared I had a habit of confessing everything to my mum, I know that my mum would tell me if I did something seriously wrong so you’d think that since years later I am ruminating over the same things that I wouldn’t let it get to me as much, but I still am engaging with the thoughts a lot. How do you break the ruminating cycle? I’ve tried medication. To be truthful I need a job but during COVID I cannot guarantee that so I need something else. I’ve tried watching funny programmes but unfortunately once the thought has come in I completely detach from whatever I am watching. Any tips? Thank you
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