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Cam81

OCD-UK Member
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About Cam81

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    Sufferer

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    Male
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    UK

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  1. I don't think we are really disagreeing on anything really here lol. Only thing I would say is that going by current research, although CBT may seem a generic 1960's approach and fairly rigid, CBT and ERP are still the most reliable methods of therapy, hence the common reference to "Gold standard"
  2. Pretty much, from what I have read in a few papers and books, OCD can stem from a mix of Genetics, learned behaviours or traumas, (personally think mine was at least pushed passed the border line, the barely on the scale through trauma). The 4 R's that are from the Brain Lock book is pretty much just a structured form of CBT which through time and practice can re-programme the brain. Although I am in the very early stages of this re-programming I can see the logic in it. Time and practice will tell. With CBT for OCD, you do not confront the thought, you can't confront the thought without going over more rumination, or getting yourself further stuck in your thoughts, this is why you need to distance yourself from the OCD. The OCD is not you, it is basically damage/faulty wiring in specific parts of your brain.
  3. Hi Chirpy, @PolarBear and yourself are bang on, my therapist is pretty much teaching me the same thing, pretty much the process mentioned in the "Brain Lock", Relabel - "Its not me, its the OCD", Reattribute - "I suffer from OCD that is a Neurological illness that produces and distorts thought patterns and feelings", Refocus - Carry out a mindful task, hobby, action that you can concentrate on, Revalue - (can't quite remember but think it is to belittle your OCD, "This is not you"). My therapist makes it sound so easy but she does admit the Refocus step is the hardest as you need to mindfully focus on something constructive, positive and not allow OCD a second, if you think its OCD, it is OCD. As soon as you recognise a though as even remotely OCD separate yourself from it "it's not me" then focus on a task. Mornings are very hard but remember, you are tired and waking up, your mind is at its most vulnerable at this point so the best thing you can do is get up, as the soonest you are up and awake, the sooner your shield goes up (personally I am not a morning person so I am not very good at taking my own advice). As for where I am from, East Lothian, Scotland, OCD was diagnosed in my early 20's but suspected whennI was 18. I am now early 40's with a very patient and supportive wife. Cam
  4. Hiya mate, I have similar theme of OCD, I don't know if this helps, but I have had to quit looking at pornography, my wife noticed it was always a trigger for my OCD and insecurities and it can be a bit of a minefield. I know it's not easy but if Pornography is a trigger for you too, might be an idea to avoid.
  5. Well, I had my first private session yesterday, ofcourse the initial assessment is me giving them the life story so they can assess me properly. My wife was instructed (even though she already knew this) to not entertain my ruminations or confessing. My homework is to read the 'Brain Lock' book. The Psychologist (after my asking) informed me that POCD is unfortunately one of the most common forms of OCD that she sees. Ofcourse I asked her not to contact my GP (after she gave me the option) as I would most likely be taken off the NHS list. Everytime I tried to gave her examples of my ruminations, she basically informed me any past guilt is IRRELEVANT. Any worries from my past are a wasted energy and space. Any thought that makes me think I am IRRELEVANT. I am not saying any of this is going to be easy, hell OCD is the hard challenge I have ever had in my life. I am still waking up very depressed, anxious and fragile, I am seeing the Psychiatrist this week coming so I need to discuss my Citalopram as there is no way I should be as low as I am on the dose I am on, I am curious whether since I have been on this for 20 years, if my body has become use to it. My next appointment is next Saturday so .
  6. That's a good question: OCD - to me is like being strapped into a chair, eyes forced open whilst you are in front of a point blank screen being forced to relive, re-experience and manufacture your worst fears and worst self. It can be relentless. Depression - a constant smother of weight, pulling you down till you can't speak, thick numbness. Addiction - to me its indicative of the hormone monster in big mouth tv series, its a thought saying you can't live without me, you will miss me, its also another you, saying "it's all good" when no, it is not. Anxiety/Panic - is the gateway to depression and OCD, its the twitchy floodgate in a dam.
  7. It really absolutely does, when we are doing so well, some random innocuous thought seems to stealthily creep through our armour and drag us down. I wish I had the answer but at the moment I am drowning in my mental health issues (I pray to God that tomorrow's therapy will be the start of my recovery). Please do not lose hope, you are getting help and are learning to use your tools. You will win this Angelina
  8. I have an appointment with a private psychologist tomorrow, I asked them all the relevant questions to which they replied they treat OCD and use the Brain Lock method. I am already very nervous as I am going to have to go over old ground with them which I find very difficult. I tried another 2 psychologists however one said the dont treat cases as severe and the other is not doing face to face and she said by my info that I emailed her that is what I need. I have had to delay my counselling assessment through my work as I feel this one is more important.
  9. I wish it was that easy @Angst, at the moment my fear and anxiety are very overwhelming that even just getting out of bed and up scares me.
  10. I will always have hope, however some mornings are harder than others for me to see it. I would like to say the support from my wife as well as you all on here has meant alot.
  11. I haven't yet but I am researching therapists in the area, and I will be contacting them. Problem is the therapists with the CBT qualification are few and far between. I do have that Psychiatrist appointment on the 30th. These videos I saw were only in the past few years, but I suppose it is better late than never to learn from a mistake although better not to have made the mistake in the first place. As a friend taught me, WIGIG (What is gone is gone) although when the obsession is so strong in your head you can't see past it.
  12. Struggling really badly today, as suspected, my focus has shifted to another series of amateur videos I saw of a couple stripping and having sex, I later found the couple were 16 (again on pornhub, later on a website for the lass), a while later I looked at a couple of the videos again. I know the legal age is 16 in this country, but this does not make me feel any better, as I feel I should not have been tempted to look. I understand I did have an addiction to pornography which did scew my thinking. I have now put processes in place for me to not look at pornography again, as it is a major trigger for me. I am aware that 99% of people that will have seen these wont have batted an eye but I am. I realise now that online porn is just a minefield that is just not worth it. How do I get past this Obsessive guilt and rumination and move on. I have been crying my eyes out as I am in intense grief.
  13. Thanks @RocketFall200, problem is my mind makes these things bigger than they actually are but working out how to move on is not easy, especially when my mind starts scanning (for things that will mentally hurt me) in the morning. Getting out of bed is a real struggle too. I have been out for a walk today for an hour, now playing a game, and I can feel the anxiety in my chest and stomach, even though I am concentrating on my game, it's still there lurking. And that is what keeps my depression going.
  14. Hi @RocketFall200, Firstly, thankyou so much for having the strength to talk to me about this, I really do appreciate it. Can you share what coping strategies you carry out when you get flare ups. Usually I do the 5,4,3,2,1 and listen to meditation music, but when the flare is so intense, and I cannot think of anything but, my strategies do nothing. I did have a little good news today, the secretary to the Psychiatrist managed to have a word with the Dr and they are managing to fit me in at the end of the month. I am going to bring up with him again whether my body has became resilient to Citalopram as going to 60mg really does not seem to have made much of a difference. I know I need to move on from this, as it is in the past and is not relevant to my future, but my over the top black and white OCD conscience has kicked in and can't stop ruminating. Logically I know it really is ridiculous, but when I am depressed the OCD tends to kick my posterior.
  15. I was referred in December after 3 months of assessments. Basically I was due to start back at my work this week, however due to a minor storm in a tea cup tiff with a colleague from work, this set off a chain of events, starting with severe constant anxiety, which then opened the gate for depression which has caused my OCD to flare and exacerbate the depression. As I have previously stated, I suffer from Pocd, when this flares up, my mind scans for memories of any pornographic video I have seen that has any doubt, as I have been talking to @howard, I have fixated on some animated videos I saw I the past couple of years where the characters are based on 12 and 14 year old girls from last of us (I did not notice this then). I have done some searching, one of the videos is called Ritual by selfdrillingsms, (I know the worst thing I could do, checking), from what I can gather I think this guy ages up the characters to look 18+ but I cannot be 100% sure, as the bodies still look petite. I assumed that because this was on Pornhub that it was fine, and I was sure they looked OK and none of these videos have been banned. But I allowed myself to be turned on by the vids. This has now put me in quite a deep depression, thinking I am the worst sort of human being, I have gave up looking at pornography entirely as I have found it can be triggering as there are women of all shapes and sizes and there are some categories that are designed to make women look younger. This has been discussed before on one of my previous posts on "In absolute crisis" so you can get more info there. Thing is I know if the ages were stated or I genuinely thought they were underage I would never have looked at these videos, and I do know that I am not a peadophile.
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