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Wife with severe contamination OCD


Guest elwray89

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Guest elwray89

Hi all

First time posting here as I'm at my wits end and need some support. I've been with my wife for around 5 years or so now, married for 2 and things are getting really bad.

I always knew she had some issues with OCD but it wasn't until after we married that it really started becoming an issue. She has extreme anxiety over things being contaminated. For example if any of her clothes touch the floor they go straight in the bin or if I touch her with my feet she goes crazy. I think in total she has thrown away around 4 full bin bags of perfectly good clothes, maybe more.

This has me constantly living in fear of going any where near her possessions (which is difficult in a small flat) as if she finds a reason to blame me for any "contamination" then she will have an outburst the likes of which I've never seen before. Besides screaming and smashing anything in sight this can also include doing things to my own possessions such as putting my clothes down the toilet. This has led to numerous complaints from the neighbours and is putting a huge strain on our relationship.

She also has many of the classic symptoms such as several bizarre rituals like washing her hands while counting to a number etc. I never know when it's going to kick off and she still randomly has outbursts at me for things I did over a year ago that qualify as me contaminating something

I've tried putting forward logical and scientific arguments to persuade her that there is no contamination whatsoever but as I'm sure many of you are aware this has no impact and usually just gets ignored. She's currently on SSRIs and has a call with an NHS therapist every Saturday morning. This method of treatment has been going on for over 6 months but nothings changed. 

What do I do now because if something doesn't change I can't myself staying in the relationship much longer. I'm desperate to help her, but not at the expense of my own sanity

Thanks 

 

 

 

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Hi Elwray,

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I feel really sorry for you, as well as for your wife.  

I have chronic OCD and used to have a severe contamination obsession and it's awful being constantly terrified (imagine if you had to face your worst fears everyday and no-one understood OR were living in a house with people affected by Ebola, spreading the virus everywhere and felt a sense of impending doom every time you touched anything). However I also know that dealing with outbursts and irrational rules really wears family members down.

I would suggest going to marriage/relationship counselling to discuss the situation so that you can both see each other's points of view and talk about what is really important to you both. I also wonder whether your wife could ask her GP for better therapy? A telephone consultations once a week is probably not adequate- she needs CBT with a qualified therapist with experience of treating OCD or a referral to the local Community Mental Health Team for treatment. Another possibility might be a referral to one of the national treatment centres for OCD such as the CADAT (outpatient Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma) or the ADRU (Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit),

It's important to bear in mind that it is her illness, not her personality which is producing these outbursts and that she needs adequate therapy and emotional support, just as she would if she was suffering from any other illness.

I hope you find a way through together!

 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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I am so sorry to hear about your experience - I have a teenager with OCD and I can relate to the incredible frustration of living with someone you care about who is going through this. We are working on exposure-response prevention (ERP), which is really the best treatment - especially for contamination OCD. As you said, logic does not work because this is not an issue of her not understanding that something isn't really contaminated - it's an irrational fear that is so strong it will not respond to reason. ERP basically asks the person with OCD to go toward their fear instead of away from it, in order to "show" the brain that the fear is not real. It is extremely anxiety provoking at first, but gradually the fear subsides and the compulsions are significantly reduced. However, because it is so anxiety-provoking it is really important to work with a therapist if you can to help her structure the exercises appropriately.  

In the meantime, one thing that I have found really helps me is to know when to walk away. When things start to escalate, I first try to help if I can - for example, I ask my daughter if there is anything I can do that does NOT involve helping her with a ritual (some good things are giving her a hug, words of encouragement, a glass of water, etc.). If things start to go badly I tell her that I really love her, and I will come back once things have calmed down, but I need to take a break. Then I walk away, and sometimes leave the house if I need to. I've learned that my patience can only go so far, and when I get to the point where I'm not going to contribute anything helpful, the only thing I can do is get some space, even though it is hard (that's why I make sure to say something about coming back, so she doesn't feel completely abandoned). It is really important to identify ways that you can help (again, just to reiterate, that do NOT involve assisting the OCD demands), and once you've exhausted those, you need to take care of yourself. 

I'm glad you are on the forums, as reaching out to other people who are going through this is important - it's usually something that your friends and family won't understand, but we do! 

Good luck with this!

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i have severe contamination OCD and i feel for you must be so hard if when in a relationship.

 

this is a good article outlining contamination ocd:

article by fred penzel

 

i recommend this lady katie d'ath's channel on youtube:

katie d'ath therapist on youtube

 

and the four steps by dr jeffrey schwartz is good techniques to learn as a sufferer:

ocd four steps

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have severe contamination ocd and it's horrible and does make you do things that appear not logical to others. However, the screaming and smashing is more a sign of an abusive relationship - I would never do either of those though would cry. 

I would keep on with the therapy but if say if she keeps screaming and smashing things you will leave then get out if you need to. When someone is in an ocd panic it can be very helpful if people leave so would agree with that advice or say is there anything I can do to help. 

I have the opposite problem of my husband gets very abusive to me which only makes things a million times worse and probably caused my ocd in the first place. 

When you are recovering from ocd you have to tackle one thing at a time so don't push her to tackle everything at once. You could agree with her when she's calm a list of issues and tackle them one by one say on a weekly basis. Her therapist should be doing that with her. She may need some weeks off for a break and her anxiety may get worse before it gets better. Say if her clothes go on the floor maybe she could rewash them instead of bin them as a first step. Sometimes it's best to have a really good clean before starting the rules so you feel it's clean at the start but it needs to be a one-off. Good luck. 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest sb2016

Hi Elwray,

After reading your post i can completely understand the term you used 'Living in fear'. I always freeze when i drop something on the floor because if i have and if he sees it, he has a temper and has a go at me, for something that was purely an accident. It then will sit on the floor for days sometimes 2 weeks, until he can get round to wiping it and doing the routine he has to do. When i do drop things on the floor i either hope he isn't in the room, or he hasn't heard it from downstairs. With clothes, he has to wash anything that touches the floor.

We will also sometimes be having a conversation and having a good time, and he will randomly bring up something that happened either a couple of weeks ago or months ago which then leads to him needing a lot of reassurance from me that it didn't happen (i.e someone that walked past me when they were out and he panics if they have brushed past me)

I think if you are in a desperate situation i would give relationship counseling a go, just so that you can both be in a place where you can get everything out and hopefully understand each other a bit more. Or if you cannot talk about it have you thought about writing down everything that you are worried about? Sometimes a written letter can be a good way of getting things across

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