Solipsim ocd-first post

[intothewild]

Hey everyone!

This is my first post on here

I suffer from solipsim ocd and existential ocd, and I can't stop worrying about it. It has become my biggest fear, a demon that follows me everywhere. It feels like I'm slowly becoming delusional, like my brain is actually starting to believe that nobody else is real besides me and that everything is just a dream playing back in my mind. 

I want to enjoy life again, I just don't know where to start

[dksea]

Welcome to the forums @intothewild, congrats on your first post!  It can be scary opening up about your OCD, so that alone is a good step forward.

Existential and solipsist intrusive thoughts are not at all rare when it comes to OCD, it comes up quite a bit actually.  So rest assured you are not the first to deal with this problem and you can overcome it.

Have you had any formal diagnosis of OCD?  Have you done, or are you doing, any current treatment for OCD?  We are happy to help but I don't want to repeat what you already know  

[intothewild]

Yeah, I'm currently seeing a therapist for OCD, but I've been having lots of ups and downs. I canbgnore the thoughts for 1-2 weeks, but then they come back stronger. I keep relapsing 

[Hosscat]

Hey there! This is what I'm dealing with and have for some time, starting to see some improvement. What's helping me the most is changing my actions. I act like everything is fine, everything is real, and ignore that urge to argue with the thoughts.

Very hard, but I'm noticing my anxiety is starting to dwindle as the weeks go by. I still slip up alot; sometimes I feel back to square one, but from what I've been told those are to be expected.

[dksea]

Ok, its good you are seeing a therapist, thats a start.  Are you doing CBT work?  Are you doing any ERP?  Do you know what both those acronyms mean?

Relapses can be frustrating, I definitely understand that.  Often I find what happens (for myself and others) is that once things start going well we get a little sloppy/lazy (understandable) in how we manage our intrusive thoughts and slowly things creep back in.  In recovery, especially early on, it helps to have a more structured recovery plan so you are less likely to get lazy and stop doing recovery work.

How long have you been working on your recovery?  Are you doing any kind of structured work (worksheets, exercises, etc.)?

[intothewild]

I'm seeing a therapist and he's given me some easy assignments. I've bought a book on CBT, but I don't know where to start. I feel like one thought has completely ruined my life...I just feel like I'm never going to recover, as the OCD literally makes me believe that everything is fake. My insight is slowly fading away, and so is my will to live.. I need some motivation, but I don't know where to start

[paradoxer]

3 hours ago, intothewild said:

I'm seeing a therapist and he's given me some easy assignments. I've bought a book on CBT, but I don't know where to start. I feel like one thought has completely ruined my life...I just feel like I'm never going to recover, as the OCD literally makes me believe that everything is fake. My insight is slowly fading away, and so is my will to live.. I need some motivation, but I don't know where to start

As for the 'one thought' - typical OCD rubbish. Remember, the content of OCD is absolutely irrelevant. I might be writing this post to myself, but I don't care. Why? Because solipsism isn't a thing for me. Re motivation, live life on your terms, regardless. 

Cheers. 

[dksea]

4 hours ago, intothewild said:

as the OCD literally makes me believe that everything is fake.

This is a bit of reassurance, so I won't give it again, but try to keep the following in mind (it won't fix everything but maybe it will help you reframe your thinking).
There are four possibilities here:
The world is "fake", you assume its "fake": No gain, no loss.  It doesn't matter, but you get nothing.
The world is "fake", you assume its "real": At least you get to enjoy life.  You aren't doing any harm to the "fake" world by living as if it were real.
The world is "real", you assume its "fake": You waste your life.  You live a lie, and lose out on the chance you could have had.
The world is "real", you assume its "real": You live your life, you get to enjoy your life, which is what you should do, because it's real.

Short version, there's no upside to assuming the world is fake.  There is no downside to assuming the world is real. From a purely logical standpoint, you might as well assume the world is real EVEN IF ITS NOT.
 

4 hours ago, intothewild said:

feel like one thought has completely ruined my life...

Ok, you FEEL bad right now, thats legitimate.  How you feel is how you feel, that feeling is real.  HOWEVER, just because you FEEL something doesn't mean it's TRUE.  You can FEEL like you're life is ruined but that doesn't mean it is.  BUT if you give up, then your life really will be ruined.  A feeling can't ruin your life, but a choice can.
 

4 hours ago, intothewild said:

I need some motivation, but I don't know where to start

Its understandable and reasonable to feel overwhelmed in the beginning.  There is a lot to handle and it can take a little while to get your footing.  Its like starting at a new school or a new job.  So you have to break things down into smaller, more manageable tasks.  What can you do today?  What can you work on today?  What can you learn today?  Small, incremental change adds up!  If you can become even 0.1% better at something each day than you are now.  Thats not much, 1 in 1000th of an improvement.  But do that every day for a year and you'll be 44% better than you were by the end of the year, thats a lot.  And in two years? You'll be 107% better.  More than twice as good as before!  All from tiny improvements every day.  Of course you want to make big changes now, and hey, maybe you can make bigger improvements than just 0.1%.  But you don't have to do it all at once, you can take it one day at a time.  Setting small goals, making a little bit of progress.  You'd be surprised at how much better you can feel in a month, or two even with just small improvements.  Since you are seeing a therapist, why don't you talk with them about setting some goals.  Come up with some changes you can measure, some things you can focus on to get at least some sense of change.  Even if its subjective it can help.  Maybe keep a short daily journal.  At the end of the day, jot down a few notes about each day, some things that went well, some things that didn't, and give yourself a subjective score, say out of 100 how did you feel, with 0 being the worst day ever, and 100 being greatest day ever.  Or you can go with how much anxiety you felt that day, or some other measure that makes sense to you.  Track it over time and then at the end of the month look back and see how things are going.  This will help you see the change that is harder to see on a day to day basis.  Your therapist can probably suggest other techniques that you can do if journaling isn't your cup of tea.
 

4 hours ago, intothewild said:

I've bought a book on CBT, but I don't know where to start.

Start at the beginning   Some people read the whole book and then go back over it once they have a general overview, others take it one section at a time working through each exercise.  Self help books are not quite like novels, think of them more like instruction manuals.  While there is a general flow of information from beginning to end, you can go back and reference sections that are useful to you again and again and go out of order if necessary.  Whats important is that you start, not that you do it "perfectly" (as if there is such a thing!).  Try not to worry about HOW to start, just start  

[intothewild]

Thank you very much, that was so helpful. 

Hopefully I will get through this.. 

I just wanna enjoy my life again, without thinking too much.

Do you think meditation could help?