Recovering but feeling ridiculous

[Cub]

Hi everyone

How are you all?

I'm feeling a bit guilty and rather stupid. I've had a rough couple of months and although I am still dealing with it, I'm feeling better. But I'm scared of relapsing again. I know it sounds silly, but as some of you may know I was triggered a couple of months back by a very specific website and started ruminating to the point where I felt bad and just wanted to die. I know now that it's not the truth; however, I just feel the urge to 'be sure' and go back and read absolutely every inch of the website to make sure I've not missed anything. I know that sounds stupid and I feel like a letdown. I also feel that if I carry on this way, I'll lose my friends - many of them don't know the specifics, only two of them - but my OCD has been so prolific recently. It's like I would want to check something and then go and find something reassuring. Now, I'm getting better at calming myself down, but things have been so bad and I'm wondering if I'm allowed to get better, and to be happy - or will things get even worse first? It's a bit frightening.

I know I'm clearly thinking too much; I guess I just don't think I deserve good things, or to be happy, or to get better with ease and without a fight. I've been scared of being brainwashed recently and I don't want to hurt myself anymore, and I feel a lot better. I just worry that what if I go back to that bad stuff? I kept worrying that God wanted me to do something specific - that God was asking something of me I didn't want to deliver. But now, I don't think that's true. I do feel though like I am barely holding myself together; it feels like I've had some kind of breakdown and I'm still having it now, barely keeping it together.

I'm sorry to sound so weird. I know I need to give myself time to heal. I feel bad for how I've spent this pandemic, just worrying and panicking constantly.

C x

 

[malina]

Hey Cub,

I haven’t  been On the forum in a while and it’s really nice to hear you’re starting to feel better! I think there are ups and downs on the way to recovery, sometimes you will give in to the compulsions, it’s just part of the course. I had this issue when I started getting better and was really scared of relapse every time the anxiety went up but I kept trying to tell myself that it’s all part of the process and that these setbacks were a good opportunity to practice coping in a new and better way. You’re getting on track and that’s the important thing. You should be so proud of yourself!

[Cub]

Thanks Malina for your kind response,

I'm really stupid to feel this way. I keep having thoughts of suicide. It's one particular website that's triggered me and I know it's bad and yet I can't seem to leave it alone; I keep going back to have a look at it and it frightens me, because what if God's trying to tell me something? I know how mad I sound but I can't seem to cope or focus on anything without that website flitting across my mind. I'm just so tired and can't stop thinking and feel like I just want to pitch myself out of a window so that all this thinking will stop. I hate myself right now and I hate myself for what I'm doing and feeling.

I know I sound so stupid and I hate myself so much. I don't know what to do and am very afraid and upset. I keep compulsively praying and asking God for help but I don't know what to do. I can't seem to reach any of the things that make me happy anymore because I keep feeling as though they're wrong and sinful and that I should be careful and I shouldn't be enjoying them at all. I know that sounds mad; I don't know if God is asking something of me that I just don't have the strength to deliver. I just want to kill myself if I can't enjoy myself anymore, or do any of the things that make things worthwhile. I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired. 

C x