Why am I doing this?

[Chris2020]

Ever since I had a thougjt/feeling I've accessed something taboo online 9 months ago along with having an extreme panic attack that night I havent been able to think straight and function. My anxiety is through the roof and im in constant fear that I'm going to loose everything. Job, child, wife home, friends etc all becsuee I had a thought I did something so taboo that I have no memory off. 

It has consumed my brain and it is all I think about. I try and remember, look for evidence but there is nothing. I can actually remember when the thought/feeling came and now it had gone out of control. 

Now I am obsessed with reading news articles when they arise on captured Pe****. I reading why they were caught and how long it took them to get caught along with any other information. The reason I feel I do this is because of reassurance, thinking "well I haven't done anything like that" or "if I had done something like that, surely I'd be caught by now". Everytime I see the word in the news P**** my heart sinks and I just feel like crying. I feel as it is me in that article, or soon to be. Then I try and tell myself you haven't done nothing wrong and then the checking back and thinking back 9 months ago starts all over again looking for evidence that I haven't done nothing wrong. When I don't find any evidence my mind then says "well you could of done it before the 9 months but now your only realising" I don't know what to believe anymore. 

It is absolutely torture as I can't even believe I'm thinking like this and my mind saying I'm guilty but I know I haven't done anything of a sort but the feelings I have feel so true and real. Why can't I just have that relief when I tell myself "you haven't done nothing taboo, you have no memory of it, no evidence of it so just let it go". I wish that would be the end of it but the feelings won't leave me be. 

Please anyone? 

[Chris2020]

Why can't I believe in myself and take a step if faith and move on. 

[PolarBear]

Hi Chris.

Your problem is that you are keeping this alive and top of mind by way of doing compulsions. It is the OCD trap. You think you need to do compulsions in order to end this but the reverse happens. The more compulsions you do, the tighter OCD grips you.

What I can see so far for compulsions of yours includes wracking your brain trying to remember, obsessively reading stories about pedophiles and ttying to remember. I'm sure you also ruminate like crazy.

These are the things you need to let go of. Understand that your mind is perfectly capable of making you believe you did something that you didn't.