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Sophs92

Finally seeking help..

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Hi everyone. 
I’ve never been one to ask for help with anything, I am always the one who people come to for help and I help others. Now thinking of it, maybe it’s to mask my mental health issue and deny that I have something wrong. 
My doctor said to me 4 years ago that he thinks I have OCD after telling him that I check my car doors closed repeatedly for about 10 minutes, I’ve sat many times looking outside my window to make sure my car is still there. Everytime I leave my house I walk back in and check that I’ve turned my switches off in my bedroom- I repeat this twice everytime. Once leaving my families holiday home and locking it up in Portugal I made my boyfriend video me locking the windows, turning the electrics off and locking the door so I could re-watch it the whole travels back to Scotland. Then watch it again with my dad to show him it’s definitely all locked. 
I have never took it serious, infact I’ve laughed it off. My doctor suggested reading ways to train my brain to not do those things but I never followed through because I just thought nothing was wrong. 

Now 4 years later I am at my worst. I haven’t been able to feed or watch my 2y/o nephew eat because I vision he’s going to choke, I can’t be the last one to leave my family home as I don’t think I’ve locked up properly and the house will get broken into, I’ve drove 10 mins home to drive back to check my front door is locked. I sit and stare at the front door just to make sure it’s not going to open. My dad caught me coming back into the kitchen last week to make sure I had checked the fridge door was closed. I tried to stop myself from going back to check but I couldn’t stop. I check I have my house and car keys in my bag every night which for 4 years I have slept with my bag beside my bed every night no matter what. sometimes I have disturbing thoughts of what if I jumped off a bridge, it might stop this pain? I know I’m not going to do it but I think about doing it. 

Last week, my boyfriend of 5 years didn’t really speak for 2 days as he had a sore stomach but I had it in my head that I had done something wrong so I said to him I didn’t want to be with him anymore saying I couldn’t see a future and that I wanted a house, which he isn’t ready for yet (and neither am I) but if he didn’t want one now then we can’t be together. Hours after saying that to him I instantly regretted it. I do this when I think he is in a mood with me(when he never is) I end it and say a lot of nonsense that I don’t mean but its intrusive thoughts I think about the whole relationship- and where I think society expects us to be after being together for 5 years (in a house, married and having kids). None of which I even want just now but my mind continues to tell me I’m wrong. I feel like I need him to constantly tell me he wants the same as me in time but just not just now because he has said this to me but I need to hear it all the time to put my mind at ease. But I can’t expect him to do that with me. This has all gotten too much now and I am not coping. 

After a week of apologising to him he has agreed to see me tomorrow to speak telling me I can’t keep doing this to him- which I’m in total agreement with. But I am so anxious about this chat as all I have done is cry for a week straight and can feel some sort of breakdown coming on as these intrusive thoughts is all just taking it’s toll now and I’m struggling to deal with it. 
It’s affected my relationship now which is why I need to speak out. I finally phoned my doctor this morning and cried for an hour to her and she prescribed me proponalol and I have booked an appointment with a private counsellor starting this Monday. 
 

Apologies for the long post but just seeking some support or advice if anyone has similar symptoms?

Sophie x

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Hi Sophie,

I have just joined this forum today after many years of OCD symptoms. The focus of my OCD has varied over the years, and currently mainly centres around contamination, but many of your compulsions of checking doors etc, even videoing to “prove” things have been done are things that I have done in the past. Also like you, it started off as something almost funny or “quirky”- I remember having a laugh with a friend who came to stay at my flat about the fact I had a little notebook that I ticked off all of the things I had to check before I went out, then I posted it through the letter box once I had ticked off “locked door”. But as OCD does, it has spiralled since then (and changed its focus somewhat.)

As I said before, I have also just decided today that something needs to change in my situation, so I don’t really have any wise words for you- just that you’re not alone and there are people here who understand you. We can get through this.

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Hello ladies. I joined this forum in December and finally asked for help from the gp in way of medication in November after suffering with this for 38 years!! I am now 48. I do the checking and doubting too I can totally relate. I check my purse every night making sure my bank cards are there and go back home often to check I turned the iron off etc. Going on holiday is a nightmare as I check the passports 50 times. Doing school applications is awful for me as I doubt I did them right every time, ring up and make a nuisance of myself. I have to say a rhyme in my head to make sure I put the car handbrake on. I also have intrusive thoughts, they have got better but when I was younger were awful and I had no clue it was OCD I thought I was bad/mad..the what ifs..what if I dropped my baby on the floor on purpose, what if I pushed someone off the platform when a train is coming..what is stopping me? It was awful as I had no clue why I would think about something so terrible. I would not hurt a fly, I cannot even kill spiders lol. Now I mostly obsess about my kids either getting ill with something bad or getting attacked when they are out. I cannot seem to live with any uncertainty and if my 18 year old does not reply to my text in 5 minutes or less I have heart palpitations, diarrhoea, feel like sick etc. In my mind he's been stabbed and I am imagining the scene. It's torture. Well done for asking for help as OCD and anxiety to this level ruins lives. My husband is understanding mostly but I drive everyone mad at times and have considered jumping off something to end it too at times. Who wants to live in constant fear and panic? I constantly worry about the future..how will I cope when he goes on boys holidays abroad etc, it's as if I need to be in control to keep everyone safe all the time...i never worry about myself though it's really weird..I am on sertraline now and I feel quite a bit calmer. I also say really unkind things to my husband when I feel insecure and it's all coming from the same place anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Things will only improve for you now you've recognised your problem and asked for help. Well done and you are certainly not alone x

Edited by MarieJo

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MarieJo and Greyhound Mum, thank you both so much for replying back. 
 

It somewhat feels a bit less scarier speaking to people who have the same anxieties that I do and have experienced things similar to myself. 
I finally spoke out to my boyfriend last night which went well, apart from the fact that I couldn’t stop crying for the whole of the discussion. I still found it extremely hard to tell him everything on how I’m feeling and what I go through daily. I feel like I sound like a mad woman when I think about what I want to tell him about things I think about daily. I’m hoping over time now that he knows that I really can’t cope anymore with the ocd, I know he will support me. I just need to open up a bit more which might help with my counselling sessions starting this Monday. 
 

I also need to sit my mum and dad down and tell them what’s going on, which I am also dreading. I cried the whole way to work this morning thinking about telling them. I was such a hard teenager to deal with regarding rebellion (drinking smoking)  that for the past 8 years I have worked hard, got my degree, always happy always laughing, I don’t want to feel like a big burden again like I was when I was younger. I keep thinking I’m 29 in 3 weeks I should have my life together, not bringing this all onto my mum and dad, still living with them aswell. -but then is that my ocd and my intrusive thoughts ?!?

anyways, thank you again! Would love to hear again from use soon and hopefully we can support one another through these hard days. 
 

xx

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Well done for speaking to your boyfriend and opening up. I know how hard it is. My hubby knew I was a worrier but he had no idea what my head was battling until I told him last month. I too was crying and a bit afraid in case he thought I was weird but he seemed to understand and I felt so much better for opening up. I didn't tell him everything I battle but about three quarters of it. I chose not to tell my parents but I am older and dont live with them. I should have got help as a kid but mental health was not spoken about then or recognised. I don't want to worry them now and I know they wouldn't get it. It's different for you as they can support you if you still live at home so I hope that goes well. It is really brave to accept you have a problem and ask for help. There is no shame in anxiety and ocd. My meds have really helped me feel calmer. I wish I had taken them sooner. This site has really helped me and I am sure will help you. People are so supportive and understanding and it's so reassuring to know you are not alone. There is also some great advice on practical ways to address your OCD. I didn't realise until I went on this site that I had compulsions. I thought I just had the obsessions. I realise now I ruminate, check, try to neutralise thoughts and I avoid triggers when I can. When you recognise your compulsions it's helpful to start to reduce them as the compulsions feed the OCD beast and keep you in this cycle. Good luck and yes I would love to keep in touch. You can message me if you want at any time xx

 

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