Harm - physical and sexual OCD - questions

[LindenTree]

Hi,
I myself have struggled in the past with contamination OCD and also tendencies towards harm OCD (intrusive thoughts about harming people I love (which led to extreme avoidance) and worrying about hitting people and forgetting about it when driving). I was lucky enough to be able to see a psychologist with the NHS and also address the stressors and find ways to live with it, so I guess I'm on a journey.

My question is about experiences with my partner who had some problems and told me they also have OCD. Many things track:

They described to me horrible thoughts, which I thought may be related to harm OCD. Their thoughts are much more graphic than mine and there have been times when they have told me about thoughts of raping women and children as well. They seem to be ego dystonic and cause distress. There is also a big preocupation with getting ill and they refuse the idea of taking medications (also drugs in general like alcohol).

But they also said that when they spoke to the Dr. (which they did after meeting me) they were told that it was probably an autoimmune reaction that caused the OCD and that this was confirmed by a blood test. Is this possible? I looked it up and I can only seem to find information about PANS/PANDAS and that is quite tenuous.

My second doubt arose when I began to notice that the fear of hurting me with a knife only comes up when it is time to do the dishes. They will prepare dinner using knives but ask me to wash up. Is it normal that the thoughts come mostly when someone doesn't want to do something? I get confused because I had mental contamination which was related to certain people, so it could make sense to have the fear activated with the washing up portion of the dishes?

Also, is compulsive masturbation (I guess as a ritual or coping mechanism) common? There is, understandably, a lot of shame around his thoughts and actions, but recently it has come to light that they basically spend the time I am not with them in the house in this way. I know that people suffering will do all kinds of things to relieve anxiety - I just am confused as there is a preocupation with sexually violent intrusive thoughts and then a reliance on sexual behaviour to release the anxiety?

He has also suggested violent sex acts to me, which I declined to after he described how he had heard his housemate cry and scream in pain when supposedly doing them with her partner. After reading that people with OCD are not likely to act on their fears, I find this strange.   

Perhaps I am just super avoidant, and I am also not a psychologist and only have experience with my struggles with OCD but something seems wrong here? I don't want to invalidate another person who is suffering. I try to make things as easy as possible but I find myself questioning what is going on. My anxiety has been increasing as I am blamed for the things that are not right and there seems to be a lack of understanding from him (I told him I couldn't do something because my aunt was dying in hospital and he changed the subject like I had said I was going to buy carrots from the supermarket). I really don't want to harm this person by invalidating them, I care deeply about them but I am struggling to understand what is going on.

 

If anyone has any insight I would be grateful.  

 

[DRS1]

9 hours ago, LindenTree said:

Hi,
I myself have struggled in the past with contamination OCD and also tendencies towards harm OCD (intrusive thoughts about harming people I love (which led to extreme avoidance) and worrying about hitting people and forgetting about it when driving). I was lucky enough to be able to see a psychologist with the NHS and also address the stressors and find ways to live with it, so I guess I'm on a journey.

My question is about experiences with my partner who had some problems and told me they also have OCD. Many things track:

They described to me horrible thoughts, which I thought may be related to harm OCD. Their thoughts are much more graphic than mine and there have been times when they have told me about thoughts of raping women and children as well. They seem to be ego dystonic and cause distress. There is also a big preocupation with getting ill and they refuse the idea of taking medications (also drugs in general like alcohol).

But they also said that when they spoke to the Dr. (which they did after meeting me) they were told that it was probably an autoimmune reaction that caused the OCD and that this was confirmed by a blood test. Is this possible? I looked it up and I can only seem to find information about PANS/PANDAS and that is quite tenuous.

My second doubt arose when I began to notice that the fear of hurting me with a knife only comes up when it is time to do the dishes. They will prepare dinner using knives but ask me to wash up. Is it normal that the thoughts come mostly when someone doesn't want to do something? I get confused because I had mental contamination which was related to certain people, so it could make sense to have the fear activated with the washing up portion of the dishes?

Also, is compulsive masturbation (I guess as a ritual or coping mechanism) common? There is, understandably, a lot of shame around his thoughts and actions, but recently it has come to light that they basically spend the time I am not with them in the house in this way. I know that people suffering will do all kinds of things to relieve anxiety - I just am confused as there is a preocupation with sexually violent intrusive thoughts and then a reliance on sexual behaviour to release the anxiety?

He has also suggested violent sex acts to me, which I declined to after he described how he had heard his housemate cry and scream in pain when supposedly doing them with her partner. After reading that people with OCD are not likely to act on their fears, I find this strange.   

Perhaps I am just super avoidant, and I am also not a psychologist and only have experience with my struggles with OCD but something seems wrong here? I don't want to invalidate another person who is suffering. I try to make things as easy as possible but I find myself questioning what is going on. My anxiety has been increasing as I am blamed for the things that are not right and there seems to be a lack of understanding from him (I told him I couldn't do something because my aunt was dying in hospital and he changed the subject like I had said I was going to buy carrots from the supermarket). I really don't want to harm this person by invalidating them, I care deeply about them but I am struggling to understand what is going on.

 

If anyone has any insight I would be grateful.  

 

Sexual based OCD is definitely a thing and the graphic nature of OCD in general is common. 

 

Compulsive masturbation could be an issue related to OCD. It could be a coping mechanism yes but could also be for trying to prevent having sexual intrusive thoughts or in general just normal sexual thoughts during the day, in work, around family members and that being part of OCDs grand scheme of BS (particularly if it is strictly scheduled like they must do it ever X amount of days or else). Someone may also use masturbation to test themselves that they don't get aroused or orgasm to the sexuality or gender they don't find attractive. Some people masturbate to avoid OCD hijacking arousal (which won't stop OCD from trying) This doesn't mean that he shouldn't see someone about it. Even though a rigid schedule may seem somewhat okay, it can be a problem.

 

He may have avoided the conversation as you may have brought up a topic that triggers OCD and that might cause him to get distressed but there could be other reasons including that he might just not have been interested in what you had to say, or if he's autistic (like me), it's maybe not obvious what to say in response and we may be thinking of the next thing we want to talk about. Seems a bit selfish but we aren't necessarily meaning anything by it and we don't find the conversation any less valuable.

 

As for the violent sexual things. Personally, I'm against anything that even remotely suggests violence or harm as a sexual concept but to give a relatively objective view on this:

 

Someone's sexual preferences are not changed because of OCD. Just because they have ego dystonic sexual intrusive thoughts doesn't mean they don't have an ego syntonic desire for sex to be more rough in nature (again I find this repulsive but to each their own I guess).

 

This by no means covers everything in your post and I don't really have any suggestions or answers to the rest of it to be honest but these are just my thoughts.

 

If you do feel at risk of harm/abuse then please call the appropriate helpline or the police.

 

 

 

[Caramoole]

Quite apart from the OCD worries.......are you happy and fulfilled within the relationship?

[LindenTree]

On 21/12/2022 at 00:23, DRS1 said:

Sexual based OCD is definitely a thing and the graphic nature of OCD in general is common. 

 

Compulsive masturbation could be an issue related to OCD. It could be a coping mechanism yes but could also be for trying to prevent having sexual intrusive thoughts or in general just normal sexual thoughts during the day, in work, around family members and that being part of OCDs grand scheme of BS (particularly if it is strictly scheduled like they must do it ever X amount of days or else). Someone may also use masturbation to test themselves that they don't get aroused or orgasm to the sexuality or gender they don't find attractive. Some people masturbate to avoid OCD hijacking arousal (which won't stop OCD from trying) This doesn't mean that he shouldn't see someone about it. Even though a rigid schedule may seem somewhat okay, it can be a problem.

 

He may have avoided the conversation as you may have brought up a topic that triggers OCD and that might cause him to get distressed but there could be other reasons including that he might just not have been interested in what you had to say, or if he's autistic (like me), it's maybe not obvious what to say in response and we may be thinking of the next thing we want to talk about. Seems a bit selfish but we aren't necessarily meaning anything by it and we don't find the conversation any less valuable.

 

As for the violent sexual things. Personally, I'm against anything that even remotely suggests violence or harm as a sexual concept but to give a relatively objective view on this:

 

Someone's sexual preferences are not changed because of OCD. Just because they have ego dystonic sexual intrusive thoughts doesn't mean they don't have an ego syntonic desire for sex to be more rough in nature (again I find this repulsive but to each their own I guess).

 

This by no means covers everything in your post and I don't really have any suggestions or answers to the rest of it to be honest but these are just my thoughts.

 

If you do feel at risk of harm/abuse then please call the appropriate helpline or the police.

 

 

 

Hi DRS1,
 

First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to address questions in my post. It has helped me a lot to clarify some of my thoughts about what has been happening and how I can approach it. My biggest fear is always to invalidate the experience of someone else because I know how painful that can be and I would hate to inflict this on someone else. This has been one of my biggest causes of anxiety. 

My conclusions:

1. It seems like if this is sexual based OCD there may be need for some support (if he is willing) - importantly, from a non-shaming, understanding and well-informed psychologist or dr.

2. There may be other issues or personal preferences that may be tied up in this shame or may be separate and a sign of something else (I don't know if OCD explains everything I am describing).

3.  The lack of interest in my emotional state may be due to feeling overwhelmed with coping with his own struggles - this is speculation and a sign perhaps he does need further support as mentioned above. 

Thank you again for your reply.

I am not sure what will happen but this was important for taking a step back and gaining some perspective. Your reply was very kind.