Obsessing constantly is ruining my life.

[Guest KittyCat78]

I am sure many of you can relate to the topic title.

The obsessive thoughts I am having don't fit into the usually given categories for rumination as they wouldn't be classed as distressing to most people (I have had those type of Pure O thoughts in the past about sex and violence and suffered for many years.) I am the sort of person who worries about EVERYTHING, my health is a major one and I can spend many hours online every single day checking symptoms etc. I have been to the doctors many times for this in the past but have never had the correct counseling.

My main worry at the moment (I say at the moment, it has been going on for about 2 years now) is relationship based. I have been in a great relationship for many years and we are childfree by choice. I have never ever wanted children and he doesn't want them either. I am obsessing hugely over the worry of him changing his mind. This has been a concern of mine for about 5 years now (probably since I turned 30 when people typically start having children) and it has escalated massively in the past 2 years when the first family baby was born. We don't see the baby much, hardly ever and it isn't a close family particularly but I know there are occasions when my partner will probably be in the same room as this child due to his parents looking after it and it is giving me major worries. I think to myself 'what if they bond, what if my partner suddenly looks at the child one day and thinks it might be nice to have one etc' Basically, what if, what if what if ALL THE TIME!!

Its not just that though, I am spending quite a few hours online every day searching for stories of people who haven't changed their minds or people who regret parenting. I will watch his reaction to stories about children on the news, if there is a child crying in a store I will try and guage his reaction to it and if he doesn't seem annoyed by it I will think to myself he must think he could handle one. Its like I need constant reassurance over his thoughts. I am also worrying about the future when we are all alone and he could resent me then.

Of course he doesn't know I obsess like this, he knows I obsess over my health to a great level but this particular topic is very embarrassing and I am well aware it is very abnormal. I don't know what to do, I have no faith in my GP's mental health service but as we go into another new year I can't face the thought of wasting another year obsessing to this level. Its getting out of control.

[taurean]

Well we can obsess about anything, I am proof of that.

As you know, googling checking ruminating fuel OCD so you need to make a plan as to how you are going to reduce that down anyway.

With the parenting worry, try to look at it rationally. He may change his mind, you apparently won't - what's the probability? - not great I imagine (I am a man who with his wife also did not want children - and we haven't changed our minds despite the kids in the family) .

As in all flavours of OCD , certainty is not possible. So you have to accept some possibility he may want to change his mind - and that if he becomes really serious on that, it could threaten the relationship.

Work on accepting that small possibility without more anaysis and rumination - keep shifting your focus if your mind returns there.

Treat your self to a self-help book and use that to guide you in weaning away from compulsions - its hard but doable.Check out the OCD-UK shop on the main website.

Edited December 18, 2014 by taurean

[Guest KittyCat78]

I will look into that but the possibility of him changing his mind is a relationship dealbreaker and I couldn't handle that so how do I go about accepting it could happen? That is my worst nightmare.

[PolarBear]

The first thing you need to do is stop Googling and stop researching. All you are accomplishing by doing that is reinforcing your belief that something is wrong. Stop doing it both in relation to having children and in relation to your health concerns. Nothing good can come from doing it.

[Guest KittyCat78]

The googling has ALWAYS been my downfall and I liken it to any other addiction that you just can't stop. You are so right though, I never feel happy after doing it, just extremely anxious and depressed. Do you have any tips on how I could go about stopping? I realise that sounds ridiculous as it seems as easy as 'Just don't do it' but I literally feel like I need to do it to look for reassurance (which I never get.)

[taurean]

I will look into that but the possibility of him changing his mind is a relationship dealbreaker and I couldn't handle that so how do I go about accepting it could happen? That is my worst nightmare.

How we deal with OCD is usually based around exposure and response prevention, and here it needs to be used. You need to accept that "worse case" possibility,you need to imagine that happening, and come to terms with that acceptance.

Having come to terms however distressed and upset you are by that, you can then look at the likelihood that this worst case scenario is not actually going to happen - remember what I said to you yesterday where our circumstances were the same as yours are.

As a matter of interest, this method is exactly the same as a method for tackling worry laid out in a book I have on handling worry, so can be used for other worries too.

[PolarBear]

The googling has ALWAYS been my downfall and I liken it to any other addiction that you just can't stop. You are so right though, I never feel happy after doing it, just extremely anxious and depressed. Do you have any tips on how I could go about stopping? I realise that sounds ridiculous as it seems as easy as 'Just don't do it' but I literally feel like I need to do it to look for reassurance (which I never get.)

I might sound like a jackass now but you have to just stop doing it.

It takes willpower. It helps to know before hand why you need to stop. You need to be educated about the power of compulsions and how they have direct influence on how overpowering they make obsessions. That's what goes on. Performing compulsions strengthens and reinforces obsessions, making sure they come back strong and often in the future. It's a trap. You think you need to perform compulsions to relieve the distress you feel but all it does is makes things worse going forward.

If you have a really tough time stopping the searching on the internet, try tackling the problem in steps. When you get the urge to search on the internet, delay doing so for 10 minutes. Accept the anxiety you feel. Just let it happen. It's just 10 minutes. You can do that. Then when you can handle 10 minutes, up the time delay to 15 or 20 minutes. And on and on. You slowly get used to living with the anxiety in that way.

[Symps07]

I might sound like a jackass now but you have to just stop doing it.

It takes willpower. It helps to know before hand why you need to stop. You need to be educated about the power of compulsions and how they have direct influence on how overpowering they make obsessions. That's what goes on. Performing compulsions strengthens and reinforces obsessions, making sure they come back strong and often in the future. It's a trap. You think you need to perform compulsions to relieve the distress you feel but all it does is makes things worse going forward.

If you have a really tough time stopping the searching on the internet, try tackling the problem in steps. When you get the urge to search on the internet, delay doing so for 10 minutes. Accept the anxiety you feel. Just let it happen. It's just 10 minutes. You can do that. Then when you can handle 10 minutes, up the time delay to 15 or 20 minutes. And on and on. You slowly get used to living with the anxiety in that way.

I need to learn to do this as well, I've just started treatment for religious OCD where I am ruminating like mad most of the time, I'm blocking it out as best I can, but I don't know what I believe, even if I believe at all. The easiest thing in the world is to google info but everytime I do it ruins me.

I can fully simpathyse with you on this one Kittycat78 :-(