zeradin

Don't know if you mean the same as me but i have been incapable of lying for the last 20 years now. Its tiring when trying to just talk to people, especially those who are unfamiliar with it

jessie have you been looking at my post history before hitting the nail on the head? you would see the one in 2010 where my daughters mother stabbed me when she was high . i have been on mirtazapine ever since because of the flashes. im nnot going into the details on it because i cant seem to find the post, il check again and quote it for you

you were the one who helped me with this other post. i know you are a highly active responder so to refresh

im angry at the injustices done to layla. the complete denial of working towards the best interests of her life. yes i am no doubt co dependent but if you look at my history of posts on here you would see multiple sentences referring to how im not suffering the symptoms of my illness whilst she is with me. i act with a kind of premapped proccess to what needs doing that doesnt stimulate my looping cognitions

yes it is. im just tired, and lost, im reassured that one day my daughter will realise the way things are but that is years off. in the mean time im overwhelmed knowiong in my head that she will continue believing that its ok to be giving no reason to cause and effects. not learning past excuses. why does she seek any attention through any behavior? oh shes having a hard time because her parents dont want her. why is she acting up at school? (i know this she goes to school with my best friends daughter even though she is told firmly by her grandmother she isnt allowed to talk to her) oh its because she is having a hard time knowing what she is feeling.. not the reality of she is used to being told off and not knowing what she has done wrong apart from the only time someone is directing her personally is when they are telling her that she is getting in the way. not sharing time together doing the things they practice at school like crafts or reading or playing games, adults dont have the time to do them things so obviously it must not be important. when she does get the interaction she cant trust it because it isnt structured its when adults want to and then she constantly tries to get out of the situation by starting to do other things like telling you about gossip in the playground or what she is going to watch on tv later. stuff that she can rely on because adults go away without warning not knowing why. she only knows they feel something towards her when they are snapping at her or telling her forget it you obviously arent worth my time. she is alone and being given no time. no one to ask her what she thinks avbout stuff going on. no one asking what she feels. i never gave excuses for what i was. i stated the facts of the situations i was in. i never let anyone excuse me. they cannot show her the reasons behind actions of others and by doing so they teach her she is not held accountable for her actions if another excuse can say she is supposed to be unruly. keeping up appearances will set her out to have all the abandonment issues they refuse to give attention to

i fought for access before and won. this time due to special measures (against her mother) my daughters grandmother has full parental management rights. its an order that cannot be reversed through the courts until she turns of age. its an order i was told by solicitors i cannot contest the application of because out of spite i wasnt put down on the birth certificate. the access order i had was null and void. the problems i had was that i always looked exhausted. because i was. i cannot sleep without my mirtazapine. i was worried how the grandmother was coping. all she saw was i came from the same crowd that her daughter was mixed with (she is a habitual amphetamine user), i was an emotionless person who only looked out for my own gains. no regard to the fact i wont react on principal to events around me as they occur because my illness dictates an inability to process the emotions felt at the time as anything but panic. the fact i had no money to do anything special but one day out a week (out of 3 nights in a row access) because i was still paying off debts from christmasses and birthdays in a foolish attempt to compete with the quality of the presents my daught could expect from her actual parents. my place was spotless when she arrived and messy by the time she leaves because i like to spend all the time doing things my daughter would enjoy. its an attempt in everyones view to retry upbringing her properly and not feel she was a bad mother by redeeming her failings made to her own daughter. the woman is all about image and not about the behind the scenes. she has to keep up appearances. layla was always patient and did as she was told for me, even at her grandmothers. they couldnt control her. when i told her off i explained why and what she did wrong and shown her how to learn from it. they sent her to bed and then let her come back down once they decided and that was that. apparently this made me a control freak. there is no more information i can put on here now. except i was angry my daughter was learning to say what she thought the adult wanted her to say and not what she actually did. ie; what did you do yesterday was it fun?, "no daddy made me read instead of let me watch my favorite show" turns into no we stayed in and i didnt get to watch what i wanted. and my favorite, daddy wouldnt let me play on the park, which is due to me having to rely on busses to travel to go places like the jango's aand couldnt miss it.

As my two best friends will tell me. the only spotless place in my flat is the enamel inside the bathtub. my clothes are stuck in 3 identical pairs of combats and 3 of my favorite band tshirts. 2 identical jumpers and 7 pairs of black socks. from the washer they go in a bin liner as in there is the cleanest place too store them. i havent touched the floor with my feet purposefully now for 18 years. if i do i have to start my bath again. if my clothes do i have to throw them away. a good bath time will always last just short of 37 minutes. a bad one can be hours. worst is having to reshave.

OCD Awareness Week - Fact 6 The average age for OCD onset is early twenties in women and late adolescence in men, but can affect children as young as 6 or 7. yes i started medication from 8 (though this was 1995 and i wasnt yet diagnosed with ocd but a deep detachment disorder) and from 12 onwards i thought i knew sadness. i always thought i knew what ocd is in me too. im now that depressed that although im not suicidal (its not in my person to take my life) i am back to so deeply detached people cannot see my ocd behavior. neglect is taking me slowly into rot and infection. i havent cleaned up in a year now. i asked for help, they said the cbt wouldnt sort out the problem i have which is someone has taken completely my self belief in what is real what is just annd what i am. it doesnt help when others around me reaffirm whaty i believed and the injustice is such that i dont care about life. i dont care about any of it. im just existing now. i wont kill myself but ialso wont look both ways on the road, i keep hoping every flash outside is an asteroid extincting humans for the destruction that there already is for us. i break down in emotional fits of tears which are the only times i feel anymore. ocd has left me. germaphobia has left me. all i have was avoidance and detachment. i dont have hope, i dont feel there is any help. oh, and i also have my first medical in 5 years at the jobcenter in a few days. i dont care if they take my benefits away, ive been homeless before, it was easier to be this way back then.

im trying to keep hold of feeling anything . i had an assessment for new cbt goals and it turns out that the current predicament im in would not allow it to work. once resolved they believe my normal cbt conditioning will kick back in from past sets. i havent seen my daughter in 7 months. due to an injustice of a grandmother who is delusioned into thinking she is saving her from me (she believes that im an emotionless junkie who is out just for myself) she doesnt have the right. i had to fight 2 years of this just to get access in the first place from the mother (who actually is a selfish borderline personality) to be declared fit. and a good father. she is making impossible injustices that are more diabolical than anything i was abused by in the past. when im with my daughter my ocd is not foremost... its bliss. and now there is nothing... there is no feelings... there is no fight left.... i cant fight anymore... there is no winning... everyone involved has already lost no matter how it ends

My sister from an early age showed genetic inheritence of schizophrenia. triggered from the introduction of our stepfather, the destruction of our family from violence abuse and secrets, and then the reintroduction of our stepfather, the destruction of our family etc. etc.. It occurred to me a few days ago that when my sister was being observed for diagnosis, i was prescribed amytriptiline. something i now know that they didnt usually prescribe to 8 year olds. and this is grating to me... as i dont remember ocd holding me at all back then. just blinding headaches. what then happened is my sister begged to be put in foster care and i refused to go. i couldn't live with leaving. that prospect i lived through was the best it was at any point because mainly i didnt know that life wasnt supposed to be full of abuse and witnessing helplessly as someone wwho you love and idolise is allowing herself to be beaten. thats when the ocd appeared. the problems came from memories of abusive punishments to trivial things i was told to do being not to satisfaction. a flash to having my head shoverd in a washing up bowl halfway through dishes comes to mind. anyways these days me and my sister are really close. she needs help alot and wont go to anyone else. she explains to me what its like in her head. its like the thoughts and ideas are not recognised in her voice. she cant trust the voices because no one else can hear them but at the same time seem to act as if reacting the way the voices excpected. the coincidences draw up false conclusions that they cant be real but they also cant be this correct so often about the expected behaviors of others that dont hear them so they must be there to warn her that everyone wants to trap her in their hidden intentions. i relate. I hear thoughts and ideas and know they were my own. but i also can see the behaviors of others acting how i imagine they would. the counterproduct draws up false conclusion that they must also hear their thoughts and ideas and yet choose to behave how i see they should to my interaction. thhis so concludes that they cant be real people and this isnt the real world because they are all acting how i imagined they should which makes you feel your own thoughts were not your own. compounded by repetition of acknowledgement do i need to behave that i cant trust what i know because i have known other things that weren't supposed to be real in my childhood.? either way we both cant help but feel lonely from the selves we live with. sorry there isnt a real question or need for advice here. my current turmoil (from a few posts back) prevent me from being able to fight the paradox at the moment. i really thought that saying this here wasnt so you could relate as its not a situation that should actually happen in real life in my view to anyone, but so i could get something off my chest without an expected response because then the world would feel for me just briefly not unreal, not simulated. not happy. but actually still a feeling that i need to feel because i am so hollow right now that i am begging for the end of everything. i have never considered suicide and never will take my life. but its wrong that i really want a murderer to against all odds decide to target my home as his next target. or for a plane to crash against all odds on a pathway through my house. i have never needed reassurance..... i have needed to know they dont need to question my inability

Just to let you all know that my (very short) book is going to be free for 5 days from tomorrow on the amazon book store. it is called Playing with Obsessively obscured rulebooks just search in amazon for the book id: B01D14ZINA its a collection of venting and poetry from the last 11 years about the perspective of coping with real life problems with ocd in the background making the issue of not being able to express the desired thoughts and feelings at the actual time. its badly organised as the kindle optimization didnt take the pages and make them fit properly. this is the wrong forum group for this post but i have not recently (last 3 years) posted in the other groups and i am finding it hard to do. hopefully this would inspire people in this group though to see some familiarness to the feelings. I dont know, maybe even inspire them to share their vents and poetry. if there is enough of them to make a volume 2 with actual proper set up and links to ocd uk to help others find out about this scourge of an illness, help remove stereotypes, and help getting diagnosed and the right help.

so starting new bout of cognitive therapy on monday. not sure how well it will stick with the current things that are pressing me really making me a different person to how i usually am