rachel23

Hi, I get a lot of horrible thoughts (I don’t even think they’re intrusive because I think them in my head myself as a way of checking, maybe once they started as intrusive). When I think of them, I want to work then out and I want to analyse to see what I really feel about them, if I’m a bad person etc. When I get unacceptable thoughts I always feel I like them or think they’re ok but I go over and over until I feel I think they’re bad. I know these are compulsions and I do them because I just don’t feel right if I don’t go over them and analyse them. They normally make me feel more panicked and upset because I rarely get the answer I’m looking for. How to I stop doing it? I know nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t do them and nothing will change if I don’t do them so why do I do them and how do I stop? I’ve tried throwing myself into doing things and this has worked in the past but only for a few months maximum. im so sick of feeling like this and it wrecking my life. Thank you x

But what is ocd and what is me? Because I don’t feel disgust I have been trying to tell myself why sexual abuse is bad, because children are innocent, because they shouldn’t be taken advantage of but then I start delving into what does that even mean and I still don’t feel disgust and I think why is it bad that people have sex with children? And I still can’t come up with an answer or feel disgusted or horrified or like it’s a bad thing. Can that really be an ocd thought or is that really me? How can I be so messed up to think this? I’m so so upset about this. I think I am a good person and I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I was totally free from all these thoughts just over a week ago but when I was free of it all, was that just me putting the real evil me to the back of my mind? I’m so confused, upset and scared. I’ve got a million things I should be getting on with and just enjoying my life but it’s been taken away from me overnight yet again. I’m just so devastated, thank you for listening.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The problem with me is that my thoughts focus around pedophilia ocd and I know for sure that I would never do anything or have the desire to. My current worry is that I can put scenarios in my head or even read about sexual abuse in a newspaper of something and just not feel anything . I don’t feel disgust and I’m trying to make myself feel disgust by going over and over scenarios seeing how they make me feel. But then I come up with questions, why is it even bad? Because children are innocent. But then what does innocent mean? And I get lost in a spiral, I feel high anxiety so I feel I need to sort these questions out. It makes me feel guilty and a bad moral person in society. But I know I’m a good person deep down but then why does this keep happening to me and if I read a story about sexual abuse why isn’t my first reaction disgust? ive suffered from this type of ocd or whatever it is for nearly 15 years now on and off so I don’t know if my thought and feelings are all muddled up. I just feel so increbiliy panicked, scared. anxious, upset, I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m so scared and worried for my future. I have periods of feeling great and these thoughts/feelings don’t even bother me but I feel maybe that is me when I just ignore the real me. I’m so upset and scared and I just want to feel normal and have normal reactions to bad things in society like other people do.

I’ve recently had a ocd relapse after being well for about 6 months and having no symptoms. I’ve been diagnosed by a number of different people and had many courses of cbt over the last 10 years. I also take sertraline. I’ve lived the last 15 years of so either suffering from ocd that debilitates my life or feeling happy and living a life free of ocd - there doesn’t seem to be an in between. My main issue is that I keep thinking things that are bad in society are acceptable e.g harming others, especially vulnerable people. I put these scenarios in my head and ask why are they bad and then I can’t come up with an answer and I’m scared what that makes me as a person. I just go over and over them.When I’m feeling good and well I can do the same thing and just tell myself that’s disgusting, not delve deeper and move on with my life. I’m worried that that’s not the real me though and really I’m a disgusting person that thinks doing bad things to vulnerable people is acceptable. I’ve been diagnosed by a few therapists that are experienced in ocd but I just haven’t heard of people having obsessions like mine before and I’m scared about the person I really am. im living in a constant state of panic, worry, feeling evil, sick and wrong and it is making my life, work , relationships very very hard to cope with. I don’t want to do anything, See anyone and I’m not looking forward to anything, even though I have lots of lovely plans. Does anybody have any advice or wisdom for me? I’m getting pretty sick of living like this, feeling like this and it taking my life away from me overnight. Every relapse I’ve had had lasted more than 6 months and I’m so scared .Thank you x

Thank you for your replies x

Hi, I’ve suffered from ocd on and off for many years. Each time I recover, normally after spending 6-8 months in ocd hell, I feel really good, live a happy normal life and my obsessions barely bother me. If I get them , which is rare, I’m able to simply dismiss them. ive been doing very well for about 6 months and then bam, ocd just hit again a few days ago. It started with an awful thought that I just then ruminated about over and over and then couldn’t sleep that night and it’s just spiralled from there. I’ve gone from being happy, loving life and feeling content 4 days ago to not being able to sleep, so scared of life and wondering if it is going to last again for month and months. I’m also feeling panicked physically all the time, my head is wired and apinning, my vision has gone blurry etc. It makes day to day living hell and I don’t even want to do anything or go anywhere. I’m so shocked , scared and devasted at how quickly this hell has come back. im trying so hard not to go over the thought and just let them be as that is how I got better before, although this took about 6-8 months. what can I do about the physical symptoms of anxiety? Does anyone have any advice, I’ve tried breathing, yoga , meditation etc but my mind and body just feel wired. Just been to the doctors who wouldn’t give me diazipam (it worked before) but have given me propranolol which I’ve never had before. any advice is welcome! Thank you

Thanks Legend but i think I'm going to be ok. To be honest going to the doc is a waste of time for me, which I've learnt in the past. They don't have a clue and aksed me if I was drinking/taking drugs when I told her about thoughts etc. She refered me to a counseller but I didn't want to go into my thoughts and ocd becuae she wasn't trained in it. I had cbt privately but it took hitting rock bottom to go to have cbt, I wanted to go to somebody that I knew specialised in treating ocd. I'm not on any meds and I don't wish to be, although of course I know they are so helpful for some. I'm not going to stop me from living my life, I've achieved some amazing things in my life all whilst having ocd and I'm proud of myself, but I just wish I could have achuieved them without also living with ocd!

Thanks Lola, that's really sweet of u I'm doing quite well not checking and going over the thoughts but then I think back to when I've checked etc in the past and some of the things I've thought or or thought I felt in the past and it just fills me with dread. I'm trying to hang in there, be stong and hope things get better in time

I guess that's true - when a normal person gets a horrible thought they just dismiss them, end of. I tend to analyse the thoughts, ask questions and think so deeply, go over every possibility of what the thought means and what I feel about it and then you just get lost and trapped in the thought and lose what you really think/feel about it (well I used to, am not doing it as much at the moment). It's so tough, i feel as though I know a lot about ocd, through reading, therapy and on here but I still cant accept that it is definately ocd and not something else. All the signs are there that it is but then I think to myself if I know it's ocd and I have all this info about ocd why do I let these thoughts bother me still. I'm trying to just let the thoughts be there and not ruminate and I'm doing well but I feel so on edge, sad and mentally drained. x

Does anybody else ever get confused as to if a thought is simply a thought or an actual feeling if that makes sense? I suffer from horrible sexual related thoughts and sometimes after analysing them and playing them over and over in my head I can't make sense if it was just an intrusive thought that meant nothing or a feeling. After going over these thoughts in my head I ask myself do I really enjoy them then I think yes I did, but is that just another thought or my true feelings, is it ocd telling me I enjoy the thoughts or is it my true feeelings? Wow so deep and confusing! I've read lots and lots about ocd and I know it can create faulty feelings, doubts etc but it's so hard for me to distinguise what is just a stupid thought and what I truly feel. I have been diagnosed with ocd and had cbt after going through some terrible times. I've been doing ok most of this year but just having a bit of a hard time at the moment, not as bad as it has been but just not doing great. I've managed to not go over and over the thoughts as much as I used to, to just let them be there and I must admit the fear and dread does wear off. However I just feel really sad and guilty and an awful person for ever having these thoughts in the first place and because I'm not going over the thoughts as much anymore and they don't make me as anxious I then think well this can't be ocd (I know typical ocd symptom)! This year has been pretty good and I haven't even had any of these awful thoughts for a long time (or if I had I've just dismissed them without even realising it). I just think this had started again because i've decided to go travelling in a month. It's something I've wanted to do all my life and I just thought I can't let ocd stop me. I was feeling so good when I booked it, but I started to think I must make sure I dont get these thoughts when I'm away so I started thinking them, checking them and it's started the cycle again. I just want to look forward to it and get excited like a normal person would, it should be an experience of a lifetime but I'm scared this horrible illness won't let it be. Like I said I'm not doing terribly, just a bit sad at the moment xx

I've been coming on this forum every now and then for years but have never posted...here goes... I've suffered from OCD for around 10 years now, was diagnosed 2 years ago. My ocd focuses on intrusive thoughts and mental rituals, at the beggining it was thoughts about myself - eg thoughts that I had cancer, wanted to become a man (!!) - I knew they were silly really but I would spend hours on end thinking about the thoughts and analysing them, they overtook my life and I struggled everyday but I knew it was ocd. A few years ago the thoughts started focusing on inaapropriate sexual thoughts and these are the thoughts that still torment me to this day. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent over the years going over the thoughts, how I feel about the thoughts, asking myself if I find the thoughts pleasurable, asking why me, wondering if I'll ever live worry free again...etc! As I said before I kinda self diagnosed before I got an official diagnosis and had cbt 2 years ago and even though they I used to get in a real state, I could always reassure myself it wasn't me, it was the ocd and I struggled on through life. Let me explain to you that when I experience these awful thoughts I feel fearful, anxious, hot, overcome with panic and feel the need to go over and over them in my mind and even sometimes to think of new thoughts just to check I don't enjoy thinking them! Over time I have gone over and over these awful thoughts and asking myself if I did really commit that thought would I enjoy it. Unfortunately sometimes I think to myself that yes I would enjoy it, I did enjoy the thought, which then makes me feel horrific and that just starts the whole cycle off again - my therapist said sometimes ocd can make u feel as though u enjoy the thought, it can twist your mind when you over analyse things and think so deeply into things. Has anybody else experienced this? I remember reading on here about a lady that got thoughts of passionately kissing her children then she started to believe she would enjoy it and that she was enjoying the thought. You could tell from her posts she was hugely disstressed but looking in on the situation from outside to me it sounded completely like ocd. I'm doing ok at the moment, I'm going through a slight blip but I'm fighting hard and I must admit I do find it easier to not engage with the thoughts nowdays and just trying on living life as best as normal. I have been at rock bottom before where I couldn't sleep for months, couldn't eat, the thoughts were making me vomit, I felt as though I was an outsider and couldn't connect with human beings. I got so much better but I still have my periods of awfulness. I experience a reall blip for a few months around a year ago but I carried on my life, I fought so hard, I made myself go to work everyday and I can really remember going christmas shopping when it was the last thing I wanted to do but I made myslef and I did get better. It does just devastate me how much of my life has been wasted on this awful disease (if it is ocd that I have, that's one of my worries, but I know many people feel this way and is called the doubting disease)! So many memories clouded with my ocd thoughts. I'm a completely normal happy go lucky girl and an outsider wouldnt have a clue what I'm suffering from, my friends and collegues wouldnt have a clue! I do ask myself often why me but we must never give up and I guess we must make the best of life carrying this burden. When I feel well and I don't experience any thoughts I do feel amazing and I adore life, we are all such strong and brave individuals and we must never ever give up the fight to this evil disease. Sorry I have written so much but I needed to let it all out and it has been rather theraputic! xx