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rachel23

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  1. Thank you for your response. Why does it have to be so hard? It’s like living though a nightmare. I’ve recovered before and been nearly completely free of ocd but this time feels worse and scarier and I just can’t seem to stop doing compulsions that I know I’m not supposed to do. I don’t even know why I’m doing them, I’m not trying to prevent anything bad from happening, i don’t even know what the reason is to why I’m doing them. To feel better in the short term I guess but when I get unwanted feeling from analysing the thoughts, I feel even worse. I just wish I could magic this away, such a cruel and unfair thing to have to go through. Sorry for being negative .
  2. Thank you for all your responses. The paper doesn’t reference this. It states that if people have ocd then if they develop a paraphilia, they can use ocd compulsions as a way to cancel out, Supress their fantasies. This has scared me so much.i often test how I feel about a thought because I have felt aroused in the past about it, as in emotionally aroused. But then I question whether the arousal is true because I don’t feel that way when I’m well and free of ocd, I’m not enjoying thinking about the thoughts (but then I do feel excitment/arousal) at some point, I don’t masturbate about these thoughts. But then I start to think , would I masturbate about them if I didn’t feel bad about them? Then I wonder if it’s all just my brain playing tricks on me, convincing me that I find them arousing because I don’t want to. It’s all just really really exhausting and I wish I was free of this dreadful problem I have. What do you mean Ashley? What are these specialist ocd clinics? I’m seeing an experience therapist in ocd and have had previous treatment with ocd specialist. Just feeling really down and low with treatment and reading ocd books. I’m just getting worse, no better. Im still carrying out so many compulsions but I’m just so scared to give them up but not because I think anything bad is going to happen or anything is going to change. I’m so confused and my mind is just so mixed up. I’m so scared about who I am.
  3. I know it’s a compulsion and a bad idea but I’ve read it now and can’t stop thinking about it. For years I’ve felt that really I could have a paraphilia and am just using my ocd compulsions (I know I definitely have ocd from past obsessions) as a way to cover up, suppress fantasies and they’re not really thoughts - if I analyse the thoughts and go over and over them from every angle until it feels right and just say to myself they’re ocd then that’s what I believe for a while but it feels they could really be paraphilias. All the cbt I’ve had, all the books and internet pages I’ve read, peoples ocd seems so much more simple than mine. Mine feels so complex. I’ve had so many feelings when thinking of these thoughts which are rarely intrusive anymore. I’ve felt excitment and arousal, not physical often but mental. But am I feeling these feelings because it’s what im afraid of and my brain is playing tricks? I’m so confused and scared.
  4. Thank you for your time and advice. I so appreciate it x
  5. I know I have ocd for sure because I used to have other themes when I was younger but the last 15 years have focused on sexual themes, mainly to do with children. I’m so scared I have a paraphilia because sometimes I feel arousal. I’ve been worried the past few years that I’ve just been using ocd compulsions as a way to deny true feelings/fantasies - that I ritualise and go over the thoughts and analyse them and even if I feel arousal, tell myself it’s ocd or just because it’s something sexual I’m thinking of. Stupidly I’ve found a research paper now today that says people that have ocd that then develop a paraphilia may result to compulsive behaviours in an attempt to nullify their fantasties - an attempt to suppress unacceptable fantasies and desires. I’m so scared that this is what I’ve been doing and that my ocd thoughts are not really ocd but pedophilia paraphilia instead. I’m so so scared. It’s felt to me for a while that this is what I could be doing but now to see it on a research paper that this does actually happen to people has petrified me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take x
  6. All of my worries , thoughts are focused on sexual things with vulnerable people, mainly children but also intellectually disabled people. I’m not worried that I will carry them out but I’m fearful that if I was to ever see abuse of these people that I would enjoy it. As a way to check and test myself I imagine scenarios of sexual things happening to vulnerable people to see if I enjoy them or not. For the last 24 hours of so it’s been focused on intellectually disabled people being abused and I sometimes get this feeling of excitement/arousal. I’ve prob gone over the scenario I created in my head to test myself about 100 times in the past 24 hours and sometimes I don’t get the feeling of excitment or arousal. How do I really feel about it? When I’m going over and Over the scenario it feels like a chore, I don’t enjoy the whole thing. This is exhausting and I don’t know what to do. I know I’m meant to just leave it be but how can I when I know I’ve felt a feeling of excitement or arousal about it a few times? Are these true feelings? I’m so scared. If they are true feeling of arousal that doesn’t fit with what I believe is right so I feel I want to die if they’re true. How can I know the truth? It’s been 4 months of this now, day in day out, don’t know how much more I can take. I’m having cbt with ocd specials at but I can’t seem to do what she’s saying to stop analysing the thoughts and going over and over them. I know nothing will happen if I don’t but I just feel too guilty and awful to leave the thoughts alone. I don’t really know what to do next or what advice I’m looking for from you all here. Just needed to put it down in words x
  7. Thank you for replying. I am on meds and have increased them a month or so ago. It’s just so so hard, I’m really getting bored of it now. I’ve lost all my joy for life. How do you convince yourself it’s an ocd lie? I know the saying if it feels like ocd, it probably is, but I just don’t believe it because I’ve thought/ felt things in the past that I’ve felt unconfortable about other things and I’ve ruminated on them, analysed then, told myself they’re not true etc , all the things I do with pocd thoughts but deep down I know they are true, for example i did this about my brother’s new business and wanting it to fail. I told myself no no no and I felt anxious and like I do with pocd thoughts but deep down part of me wants him to fail because I don’t want him to be more successful than me and I don’t have a good career etc. So if that’s true, what about all the pocd thoughts? Am I just using ocd thinking as a way of covering up the truth?
  8. I’m at the end of my tether, I really am. I don’t know how much more of this awful disorder or whatever it is I can handle. i keep in picturing images/scenarios involving children sexually sometimes they pop into my head , sometimes I make them up to see how I feel about them. I keep on getting the feeling that I’m aroused by them , I told myself sometimes that’s ok because they involve sex and it’s just my brain reacting to sex. Sometimes I’ll feel physically aroused but sometimes I’ll just fee aroused like emotionally turned on. I thought that was ok until I read about aarousal non concordance which says if you fee physical arousal it could be that the thing is sexually relevant but if you feel mental arousal then the thing is actually pleasing to you. Completely freaking out . I’ve been picturing sexually touching my niece , I didn’t get a feeling so then I thought what if I did it quicker and with lube and then I got this feeling of arousal. I’m trying To tell myself it’s ok because I was picturing a sexual act but I’m also really losing it big time. im at my wits end, I don’t know how to feel well or normal again. I’m getting cbt from ocd specialist and I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts be and distract myself but how can I when I’m so scared and I’m so confused?? Pleae help x
  9. My ocd seemed to have taken a turn the last few days. It’s been mainly pocd based but now I can’t stop thinking of actual past sexual fantasies that I’ve had ( things that may be a bit weird but not harmful to others). They are things I know I’ve been aroused by in the past and although maybe a bit strange, definitely haven’t concerned me. Now I’m thinking if that happened to another person and didn’t involve me, would I still be aroused? Then I’m thinking of times when I’ve felt well and thought of these things and not felt aroused and asking why didn’t I feel aroused? Then I read something on twitter that I know I have been aroused by in the past but didn’t when I read it yesterday , although I noticed it, and wondered why. I know if it happened to me I would most probably be aroused but this was to do with it happening to someone else. i actually don’t care if I’m aroused by these things, whether they involve me or others, like I said, definitely a bit strange but they don’t involve harming people or anything. I just want to know why I feel arousal at them sometimes and not others although I know that doesn’t matter either. i can’t stop ruminating and trying to work it out. I’ve tried to let the thoughts be there but I’ve been so anxious I can’t sleep, eat and have been vomiting. Ive recieved so much help over the years and I’m in the worst place I’ve bern. I’m so scared for the future. I don’t know how to get out of this hell. I want to just let the thoughts be there, as I said I don’t care if I’m aroused by these weird things, but my brain won’t let me. I’m in so much distress and I’ve been sent home from work. Does anyone have any advice. I want to live again, I’m so upset and devastated. How do you stop go over these thoughts in your head again and again and again? I’ve always done it before by saying to myself sorted sorted sorted but now that’s not working and I’m trying to let them just be and be busy but I can barely move through anxiety. Can anyone help? Any advice?
  10. But people that are just anxious or depressed about something also ruminate, ruminating isn’t exclusive to ocd. I feel so bad. What is ocd and what is just my own real thoughts and opinions that I just feel bad and guilty about that I’m ruminating about? What is the difference? Then I think all my bad thoughts May just be my own thoughts and true opinions that I’m feeling guilty about and ruminating about and not ocd. I’m so scared right now.
  11. But I know the business may succeed or fail regardless of thought. I know thinking it won’t make anything happen but I’m just worried that I followed the ocd thinking style even though I think partly that I would want it to fail because I don’t want him to be more successful than me or happier than me. It’s a grey area because in some ways I want it to fail and in other ways I don’t want it to fail. I feel like I’ve thought the same way about all my pocd thoughts - I’m just saying to myself no I don’t enjoy them even though I’ve get moments of arousal. But then have I just felt or thought I’ve felt moments of arousal because they were sexual thoughts? I always thought if it feels like ocd it probably is. But ocd thoughts shouldn’t be true or real but like I said, the thought about my brother is a grey area. I know I’m ruminating and over thinking way too much but I can’t seem to stop. Im so scared. I sort the thoughts out in my head and then I tell myself they’re sorted but then they just come back so I just say they’re sorted on and on. I know I’m supposed to just let them be there and carry on with life but it feels impossible, the anxiety is so bad even though I know nothing is going to happen or change if I don’t ruminate over my thought. This illness/ whatever it is is truly a living nightmare.
  12. I’m struggling massively right now with thoughts of being a terrible person etc because the way I feel about thoughts I’ve had about bad things in society happening. Im really concerned though about intrusive thoughts I have that a partly true and they make me feel anxious so I start ruminating and I tell myself they’re not true because I feel guilty etc but deep down I know they’re partially true. For example my brother is starting a business so I had the thought , I hope it fails and goes badly. So I obviously feel guilty about it and start ruminating and saying of course I don’t really think that , I want him to be successful and happy etc but then on the other hand I do hope it goes badly as it’ll be a relief for me. Why should he get all the success whilst I’m here with a mental illness and why should he be happy and not me. I did the same process as I do with all my intrusive thoughts (feel guilt, ruminate) but this one is partially true, I just feel guilty about thinking that way. Now I think I was just using the ocd thinking process as a way to deny my own feelings and it feels like I could have done that about all my other bad thoughts about pocd and things. Ocd thoughts are not supposed to be real/true but that one partially was. I feel guilty and so scared I’ve just been using the ruminating process as a way to cover up my real feelings about other thoughts and pretend it’s ocd because it feels like it. But ocd thoughts are not true. im so confused and scared right now, has anyone experienced anything similar or understand what I’m going on about? I actually don’t feel too guilty that I’ve thought I partly hope my brothers business fails, just more scared about that I said no it must be ocd at first when it’s actually a true thought and what must this mean about all my other ‘ocd’ thoughts? My my brain is at a million miles an hour right now, I’m so scared about who I am and my life and the future. I don’t know how to calm down and just stop thinking and ruminating and feeling petrified. X
  13. I’m so sorry you feel this way too. It really is hell and I can’t believe this has happened to me. I know it’s not a good way to think but it’s just the truth. I’ve managed it before many times and managed to get completely well and free from ocd and feel it’ll never happen to me again but it always does. I just can’t seem to stop ruminating for more than a minute unless I’m asleep (using sleeping tablets). I feel I’m going crazy. I just don’t want to be a bad person in society and I know ruminating won’t change it but at least when I’m ruminating it at least feels I’m trying to make myself not feel like a bad person or trying to sort out my being. I’m so confused. I hope you’re doing better than me! X
  14. I keep on just thinking over thoughts and feelings I’ve had in the past, analysing my feelings and reactions towards them, trying to make myself not like them and tell myself they’re bad but it’s not working. It’s just pretty constant at the moment. I realise that if I ruminate or analyse the thoughts, it’s not going to change anything. I know nothing bad will happen whether I go over the thoughts or not over and over again. So I don’t know why I do them? I get that I do them because I don’t want them to be true but I know it’s pretty pointless so why can’t I stop. I just feel like I’m living in a nightmare right now. I’m trying to distract myself but it’s not working and I’m so upset.
  15. I will message you separately That would be really helpful. I have had quite a bit of help though so I’m worried about what options I really have left. I will message or email you seperately. Thank you
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