gingerbreadgirl

I'm sorry you're experiencing this summer. My advice would be to stop messaging this person in any way. They're clearly a bit of a **** and getting a kick out of your reaction. If you don't react they will get bored and go away. I can understand it making you Anxious but from the outside this just sounds like a rather pathetic person trolling you, and they need to grow up. But that doesn't mean they're a threat to you.

I agree with this jonesy. The thing I would say though is that Howard's picture was not unpleasant in any way, it is a simple landscape with a character, it isn't like it is a violent picture or has any negative themes at all. For what it's worth I think it's a lovely pic @howard

I personally think it can be a slippery slope if we try to police what other people post on the grounds that we find it triggering. Where does that end?

My general view is that investigating signs your partner may be cheating on you is not a healthy thing to do either for OCD or for the relationship. People google random things. Also I think Google sometimes completes your search based on other common searches (not sure about this). But regardless there is really nothing here. If this was a relationship forum I would be inclined to say that lack of trust is the biggest issue here. But it's an OCD forum and OCD can jump on insignificant things. you posted it here for a reason even if only deep down. But either way i think that investigating this will do damage in lots of ways. Where you say you have no faith if you should take A sign seriously or not - again I think trust is needed and trust involves an element of risk and a leap of faith, as with other OCD themes.

There's a saying that goes if you think there's a chance it might be OCD, it probably is. As with any other theme - you cannot have certainty. Relationships naturally involve an element of risk and vulnerability. If your partner is having an affair then he's having an affair and no amount of checking or any other compulsion will make this not the case. He might also be not having an affair, in which case the above compulsions could put severe strain on your relationship and demonstrate a lack of trust. The only way past this is to allow it to be uncertain and doubtful. Leave it unfixed. And get on with your day every time it tries to surface again. I know this is way easier said than done but it's the only way out of OCD's mess.

It depends on why the thing is being avoided. If someone avoids something because it's just not their bag then that's a personal choice. But this is an OCD forum - and if they avoid it in order to not spike ocd or anxiety, then that means reinforcing OCD and potentially delaying recovery. Edit - not criticising anyone for doing this, I avoid plenty, but I think it's important we know why we're doing this and the knock on effects on recovery.

Hi lonely girl Sorry you are struggling again. OCD is rough. Unfortunately as with any other OCD theme you'll never get the certainty you crave around this. The only way to move on from this bothering you is to accept that you will always have a little bit of doubt and that's ok. It will feel intensely uncomfortable I know. But it's the only way through. Leave this question alone and live your life. Leave it be every time your brain tries to bring it up. Eventually that gnawing anxiety will fade. I know it sounds trite and I'm not saying it's easy for a minute x

Did you read the rest of polarbear's post Cora?

This is a slight tangent but I am interested in this assertion. Would really most people break up with their partner if they were bisexual? Assuming they didn't act on it? People have all kinds of attractions they don't act on. Eg someone might be married to a tall brunette but also be attracted to curvy blondes but essentially it doesn't matter as long as they don't act on it. I'm not disagreeing necessarily I just find it interesting given the various discussions on the forum about people having their own private fantasies and such. I imagine a huge number of people are sightly along the bisexual spectrum but are in heterosexual marriages, because they have committed to a person regardless of their attractions.

I love this. Video games can be incredibly creative and beautiful I think. I used to really enjoy the Uncharted games and a big part of the enjoyment was the beautiful graphics. I have red dead redemption to play although haven't got round to it yet!

I agree I love seeing this kind of stuff

My go-to "self destruct" thought is that I will wait until my parents are no longer around then it won't matter so much if I'm not here, and in the meantime can just go through the motions and kind of dissociate the rest of the time. The thing is I don't really mean it - and this feeling tends to go away quite rapidly for me and I feel fine the next day - but it is a weird kind of comfort in a warped way. And it can be tricky to talk about because it can make people panic but (for me) I know it isn't something I would ever follow through on. It's just a comforting "get out" clause when in distress. Anyway I think it's good we're able to articulate these things. Also want to second sending a big hug to everyone involved

I definitely have thoughts like this when mental health is bad. And I think this is ok and normal - and also having thoughts doesn't necessarily mean we really mean them. It's just almost like your brain reaching for things.

Don't want to butt in but just wanted to say I think this is such a lovely post

Sorry @ocdjonesy I didn't mean to put words in your mouth. I totally understand why you were upset x

I agree with @malina - I think we're all human and we're all either struggling or have struggled, and we all get it wrong sometimes (I've certainly got it wrong loads of times and talked in ways I probably shouldn't on the forum). I think it's natural that people will disagree on things anywhere where there's a group talking on the same topic - but essentially we all want the same thing, which is for everyone here to feel better, we just sometimes clash about how best to achieve that. @bluegas I don't necessarily agree with your posts, but I do like that you say what you believe and also that you clearly really care about people here (even though you are really struggling yourself). I think sometimes you perhaps come over more aggressive than you maybe intend? - and I think that is maybe just the exclamation marks at the end of each sentence. I understand they show you're passionate about the subject, but if you put yourself in someone else's shoes, it can come over as someone being in your face and shouting a bit? Maybe I'm wrong but I think cooling it on the exclamation marks could cool that aspect of things down - I hope that makes sense and I've not offended by saying that.

it's a different type of reassurance. it's the reassurance of knowing you have been "totally honest" (in quotes because as has been covered many times this is really nothing to do with honesty). But it is like any other type of OCD - "if I just clean a bit more this will be totally clean". even if it involves skin damage and pain and the whole situation much worse - it's that "if I just do this my anxiety will be fixed". Also I suspect that part of you hopes it'll be different this time, if your wife would just understand how much distress you're in or that fantasies are normal etc etc etc. Then you could be free. But as you know deep down it doesn't work like that, no matter whether her reaction is good or bad. If you confessed to your wife and she had a completely positive response - like "oh it's fine I fantasise all the time it's completely normal" - I have no doubt you would feel euphorically happy and relieved for a while. But in the meantime you've added another brick to the OCD wall. Eventually another thing - whether a new thing, or a new detail from your fantasies, or whatever - will come knocking and yet again you will be desperate to confess and in this hell again. This cycle will never ever end through confessions, ever, ever.

This will get worse and worse every time you confess something new. Confessing to the phone call got you the reassurance you craved, so now you're not worried about that one - but you've reinforced that compulsion. So now you want to do it more and more. Then you confessed the wee thing, again got reassurance, reinforcing it even more. I've been there and bought the t-shirt honestly and the confessing cycle never ever ever ends because there is always another thing to confess. always. and it does huge damage to relationships. you really, really need to nip this in the bud and I don't mean that harshly I know it's super difficult, honestly I do.

I think a big problem here (which I also used to have) is a desperate need for your wife's approval/agreement before you can be happy. But you don't need her approval. It doesn't matter what she thinks. You're not going to agree on everything and that's normal. You do not need her approval to be happy - this is a big big thing I have worked on a LOT in therapy, this idea that my partner's opinion is everything, when it's not. It's really not. You can carry on with your life perfectly happily knowing that your wife has her opinions but they don't have to be your opinions too and that's normal and ok.

Sorry this is a bit of a tangent and also I think a bit of self reassurance going on there so my bad

I had similar thoughts about this. Like who decides where the "cutoff" is (and one of my themes is that I don't know where the moral cutoff is so I may be doing immoral things without being aware). So my thinking is moral quandaries like this are a judgement call for each person. Obv having an affair is wrong if you've both agreed to be monogamous (not a given) - but if you've already had an affair then confessing doesn't change that and may actually just harm your partner and erode the trust in order to clean your conscience. Like I'm not saying an affair should be kept a secret but I don't think there's any universal moral rules around anything really except perhaps not murdering (lol) but even that is complex (eg - assisted suicide or whatever). I think us folks with OCD can get in a real pickle wondering what these "rules" are and whether we're following them, but really there are no hard and fast rules, we're all just a bunch of flawed humans trying our best!

But can you afford not to have one? Can you support your son, or your wife, if you've taken an overdose behind the church?

Hi NLL. So I had a similar situation where I confessed something to my ex partner who took it really really badly. It sent me into huge turmoil that lasted for a good couple of years. I did a whole bunch of CBT to try and get past it but honestly I couldn't when I knew my partner thought it was bad. It was everything I feared. I'm saying this because the only thing that enabled me to get past it was the relationship ending, in all honesty. I'm not saying for a minute you should end your relationship. But I am saying - based on my experience - that I think it will be difficult for you to recover while in this environment. I think a proper break from each other could do you both good and can give you a bit of space to get on top of this awful illness. You really deserve some respite NLL x

Hi NLL, do you remember recently in a post you said something like "everyone knows fantasies are ok" when your other obsession had locked on?

Every single woman for hours? How would anyone get anything done?