findingithard

Thank you for replying Heartly. It’s absolutely soul destroying when it’s about your kids. I’ve suffered with ocd since I was 17… and it does have moments where it’s manageable but then sometimes it’s horrific. Especially when it’s near that time of the month!

Thank you so much for your reply! It’s very appreciated. I do think the sudden change of being in my own and not having the help from my partner is definitely making my ocd spike.. I’ve been fine for a couple years now and boom, here we go..

Hi all. It has been a while… but this last week I’ve REALLY struggled with my ocd (pocd as usual) I don’t know if it’s because my partner has moved out and I’m basically a single mum of 4 and finding it overwhelming… or what.. I don’t know. I’ve been doing well until recently as well so it’s a bit of a bummer that I’m back here, worrying and panicking again. I’m finding it difficult to get over one situation. Changed my sons nappy (he had pooped and was asleep) and the thoughts hit hard, I think it was because he was asleep, I’ve had a fair few thoughts about doing stuff when they’re asleep so I think that’s why it hit. Changing his nappy when he’s awake doesn’t really bother me, idk. anyways, basically I had to clean him and the whole time it felt like I wanted to touch him, it’s so hard to explain and I know this has happened before but every time it happens again, it feels completely different to the last time. It feels like I get this urge to do it, like I’m just gonna do it, without controlling myself.. it’s a horrible feeling. To the point I had to distract myself by singing a song so I wouldn’t pay attention.. was this a compulsion? Either way wtf.. why? I feel like I’ve done something wrong! I know I didn’t do anything physically wrong (I always think if someone was there next to me whilst I changed him, would they think I did something wrong? And then I know that I’ve not done anything physically wrong) but I feel like I have done something wrong in a mental way??? With the feelings and urges .. like I feel like I was so close to doing it… felt like I needed to rant and I have NO ONE to talk to irl so…

I’m not quite sure what to do but I feel like the worst person in the world. I was doing so well but now I’m back to where I was a couple years ago. basically I went to put a pull up nappy on my son as he fell asleep last night.. as I was doing it, I had this overwhelming feeling to touch him inappropriately (I didn’t) but I’ve never felt like this… no matter how many times I’ve said this in the past, this was by far the worst. It felt like in a matter of seconds I was gonna do it… it was a horrific feeling afterwards… during it felt like I didn’t care and that it was what I wanted to do!! I can’t cope. I’m a sick person.. I don’t deserve any of my kids

Hi. I just wanna wish you good luck! Everything will be fine! Please do let us know how your appointment goes.

I’ll try. Thank you for replying.

I just can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong ?

Let it go. I know I haven’t actually done anything to her... but it feels as though I would’ve idk and that’s why I snatched the wipes? The only way I can describe it is like I was acting the thought out on the wipes as I snatched them

I’m back.... lol. Things were going good.. great even.. until about half an hour ago. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. I’m sick of it. I can’t cope anymore. I’m trying so hard not to believe these things in my head but I just want out now tbh.. if I didn’t have kids, I’d be long gone. Seriously. anyways, I had a really bad anxiety / panic attack.. I’m now convinced I’ve done something seriously inappropriate. Now of course I don’t want reassurance but I just need to vent. And let it all out. I have no one to talk to anymore. I can’t tell my partner because when we argue it feels like he uses my ocd against me and that’s hurtful.. so I was just chilling upstairs whilst the kids were playing - my middle child shouted up saying my youngest had make up all over him ? great.. I went down and he did.. all over his hands etc and I got so frustrated.. and it annoyed me even more because I told my daughter to move them as it’s her make up but she didn’t.. so anyways, I shouted at her to get the wipes so I could wipe his hands, she came downstairs and I had this horrible urge to touch her ? but right after the thought happened, I snatched the wipes out of her hands in anger but it felt as though I did that instead of touching her or maybe because of the thought? I don’t know it’s all blurry but I definitely snatched the wipes out of her hand because of the thought - ugh it’s so hard to explain. Like I was so mad that I decided to snatch them ... oh god I don’t even know anymore.. maybe I would’ve snatched them anyways because I was mad that she left her make up lying about.. you know what I’ve noticed? I can’t wait to die.. I literally can’t wait.

True... but just can’t shake this niggling feeling off... his underwear down his knees sitting there... it baffles me how people don’t know what they’re doing when drunk... like how do people mistake things for the toilet? It’s just odd to me..

I tried. Couldn’t delete. Thank you for replying though. I just found it really weird that he was sitting on my daughters bed... he was pretty delirious though. I think it worries me more because he didn’t actually do anything, he was just sat there..

Can someone delete this post please.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here and every so often I have bad flare ups to the point I need to type it out.. and talk to someone. Basically a year or so ago my partner got super drunk at his friends, like off his face. I’ve never seen him like that before. When he got home he was all over the place. I remember being in our room and he went out, couple mins later I asked what he was doing - he replied saying he was on the toilet ... obviously I have ocd so I doubted him.. I went to look. He wasn’t on the toilet.. he was sitting on my daughters bed (she was at her dads thankfully) with his underwear and trousers down to his knees... now of course my ocd is going crazy, making me believe he was doing something inappropriate ... can being drunk make people do or think they’re on the toilet when they’re not? can I just say that he didn’t wee or poo (idk if I got there before he was going to or what?) im finding it hard to move on from this honestly

So I have struggled with harm ocd before but tonight it’s all of a sudden been triggered. My son was having a tantrum And I tried calming him down, I had my hands on his shoulders, I tried giving him a hug but he still kept crying, I felt myself getting frustrated... I then had a thought to put my hands around his neck.. and my hands moved a little! Obviously they didn’t go around his neck... but now I’m panicking that I actually went to strangle him! I’ve not experienced movements with ocd before so now I’m worried. I’ve had feelings and urges before, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually moved my limbs ? I’m not trying to asking for reassurance but I guess I kinda need to see if anyone has experienced this before?

Definitely. I dont expect them to know exactly what OCD is about, but it would be nice to be a little more sensitive to what we’re going through, or at least read up on it - it wouldn’t hurt. I understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes we just need that support and even just a hug from our loved ones to let us know that everything will be okay, would suffice..

Omg. That sounds like me! My mum once said to me “but you’ve not said anything about it, so thought you were okay.” Not realising what goes through my head every day.

My partner is supportive but sometimes he doesn’t really understand how bad it makes me feel. Like only yesterday he said “this again. Really?” Which kinda made me feel a bit unsupported.. it made me not want to confide him in again honestly because clearly he’s gonna always think that... I can totally relate. My partner hasn’t read up on OCD properly either, I don’t think.

I appreciate that you’re replying to me, especially when you’re going through a relapse, it is appreciated. It’s trying to get over that initial feeling, urge, thought without jumping to do compulsions etc, that’s the hardest hurdle.. we’ve got this. I’m here if you ever need to talk ?

@Cora you could probably tell me everything you’ve ever experienced with OCD and I bet you any money, I’ve been through it all as well. I’ve had mostly every OCD theme there is and POCD is definitely the worst I’ve experienced. All are horrible at the time, and feel so deliberating we think we can’t ever move on but we do. We just have to accept everything as OCD - easier said than done, I know.

Yeah, really not a good idea... but in the moment, I felt like I needed to know to work out if I did something horrific. I couldn’t go on without knowing but obviously I know deep down I’ve not done anything wrong and it is just OCD playing tricks as usual. You’d think by now I would be over doing compulsions and ruminating (which is what I’ve been doing since it happened) but sometimes I just can’t let it go. Especially because of the way I reacted, why did I react in that way, get freaked out and cry, want to die etc if I didn’t do anything wrong? If it was just a feeling, urge and a thought, why react so badly? Which is another reason why it makes me feel like I did do something - OCD is definitely 100% doubt. Thank you for replying. Good advice. My kids constantly tell me they love me, so I must be doing something right, just wish OCD wasn’t a part of my life.

I’ve just done something bad. even though I was pretty sure I didn’t do anything wrong last night, I’m now doubting myself thinking I have, and that it wasn’t just a feeling or urge, and in actual fact that I did do it.. now I can’t work out if I didn’t! So I stupidly asked my 3 year old son if I put my hands where I shouldn’t.... ffs why did I feel the need to ask him! I should know I didn’t! And even worse, he said yes? How do I know if I did? I don’t remember doing anything so surely I didn’t? I’m feeling extremely suicidal and I have absolutely no one to talk to irl.. I feel so alone. I’m struggling with ocd on top of trying to raise 3 kids... Clearly I’m failing as a mother..

Sounds like a good idea.. I’ll try that. Thank you.

I can’t go anywhere. I’m by myself with 3 kids - my partner isn’t currently living with us. So I can’t just escape unfortunately

Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s so hard to not think sometimes before we say how we feel.. I then feel incredibly guilty cause my kids shouldn’t be hearing this stuff.. urgh, I’m also doing compulsions and I’m trying so hard not to. I should know by now that’s not a good idea. But I’m trying to work out exactly what happened in the OP - but as usual, I’m not getting anywhere.

Thank you for your reply. I agree that’s its a really weird time right now so times are definitely testing. I just feel so bad.. like, unworthy of being their mum. It’s very hard to feel like this and especially when I’ve said something I shouldn’t have said. At the time it felt like my whole world came crashing down and I couldn’t get over it, like there was only one way out.. I completely regret saying it? I know deep down I would never leave them, unless I did something terrible.. I feel numb atm.