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findingithard

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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  1. You're right. The more I think of it, the more it paints a clearer picture in my mind and I'm guessing that's what ocd does. I should know how evil ocd can be by now. When will I ever learn.
  2. I know how you feel hun. It's a nightmare. It feels so real doesn't it? I've tried all day to not ruminate and think about it but it's so much easier said than done. Hope you're okay. We suffer with ocd and I think deep down we know these are false memories but ocd is the doubting disease after all. X
  3. So I'm back again. Been doing so well but here I am, panicking and worried about memories that I'm hoping are false. Basically I remembered something from 3ish years ago about my daughter. My friends partner brought me home and I had to change her nappy & put her in her pjs before bed. I remember my friends partner helping me by putting the nappy under her bum now I remember thinking a thought along the lines of "touch her if you want" and I've convinced myself that I said it out loud and that he did touch my daughter and I let him? I don't even know what to do. I can't remember exactly. I definitely remember him putting the nappy under her bum but not sure if I said the thought out loud or not and I don't even know what to do. Surely if I did then I wouldn't of went back to their house and surely I wouldn't be here today as I would've killed myself?! I was hoping I had spoke about this before but I've looked through my previous posts and nothing is mentioned so this makes me panic even worse. I know my hormones are all over the place as I'm pregnant.
  4. Thank you. It means a lot that you've taken your time to reply to me. You're right. Just accept as ocd and try and move on.
  5. Hi. Thank you for responding. Definitely hasn'the happened and it definitely wouldn't happen either. I would kill anyone who ever hurt my children. What's bothering me is that I let the thought continue, like play out in my head? I don't know whether I was checking my reaction or what.
  6. I've been doing relatively ok considering. I have two children now and I'm still with the same partner and things are not so bad but last night I guess I had a bit of a relapse and I'm not sure if this is new to my ocd but it feels as though it is and it's got my head in bits. Basically after my partner and I were intimate I realised that I didn't really have many thoughts during it and I was quite proud but then I started thinking of a situation of my partner going into my daughters room etc and harming her but I understand that they're thoughts but its how detailed they were that's got to me. Like from him opening the door to taking her clothes off and harming her. I then obviously realised that I was playing it out in my head and started to panic. What's got to me is the fact I just let myself play a thought out in my head like it was nothing? I want to believe it's ocd but I'm petrified it isn't:( I'm hoping I thought of this in detail to see if I would want to happen and to see if it would feel like I did as some thoughts really do feel like I want them to happen. Any advice would be appreciated.
  7. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I just wish I would just accept its OCD already but I cannot for the life of me, believe that's what it is. I have to try my best, I know that but it really is quite hard and I just don't know what to think or believe anymore ?
  8. I've seen a therapist before a couple years ago, had CBT but it didn't really help. The intrusive thoughts of my daughter have always been my biggest theme and I'm constantly getting triggered. I've been told many times that it's OCD and to treat it as OCD but what I don't understand is if I have an intrusive thoufht during sex, no matter what that thought is, do I continue being intimate and let the thought be there or should I stop what in doing or is that a compulsion. Last night I felt like I should've stopped doing what I was doing with my partner but I didn't, I carried on because I was enjoying it and that makes me think I'm a bad person, I shouldn't be enjoying intimacy when I'm having bad thoughts especially if they're revolved around my daughter. I know I've done nothing physically wrong, all I did was get intimate with my partner but I think it's because I let myself go to climax with having this thought in my head and not doing what the OCD was telling me to (to stop or the thoughts are true) and now I feel completely guilty. After I climaxed, I broke down to my partner and I felt so ashamed and disgusting, I felt like the worst person in the world and I couldn't sleep. what seems to be bothering me the most today is the fact that I didn't stop when orgasming, makes me feel like I didn't because I didn't care, I was all about the pleasure and didn't care how I was feeling which makes me feel like I would do something worse just for the pleasure? Like I would want my thoughts to come true for pleasure or are they completely different because the act I was doing with my boyfriend isn't wrong, it's natural? OCD has my head in bits and it doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place.
  9. Anyone? I'm so confused and alone right now.
  10. Hi. Yes I'm back. Freaking out as always. Basically my partner and I got intimate and I kept having the thought that I should stop being intimate or it means I want my daughter to be harmed in some way and the one that really stuck was that I wanted her to be harmed by her dad (I suffer from pocd) and that's probably because she's at her dads tonight and before my boyfriend and I got intimate, I was worrying about whether she was okay or not. Anyway basically I kept having thoughts and images of my daughter getting harmed by her dad and obviously I was turned on by my boyfriend and I kept thinking I should stop being intimate but I didn't stop, I said I didn't want to because I'm enjoying myself and I'm doing nothing wrong and then obviously I orgasmed and now all I can think about is that I orgasmed over the thought I had of my daughter being harmed by her dad and I feel guilty that I didn't stop being intimate with my boyfriend and I don't know if I should've stopped or if that's avoiding I just feel so disgusting and dirty, I feel like I've done something bad..especially since I was feeling turned on and my boyfriend touching me was pleasurable so now I think I enjoyed the thought and that I would let it happen ??? Like I found it pleasurable ugh i don't even know what's OCD and what isn't
  11. Thank you for replying so quick. its nice also to hear someone else has been through the same thing. I understand thoughts of asking him but then thinking of his reply and then my reply to his reply don't seem like thoughts, it's so confusing and I didn't know ocd could take on this sort of form? OCD certainly does work in mysterious ways and in any way possible to make the sufferer panic and freak out. I appreciate you taking the time to reply so quick so thank you.
  12. I've been trying to put your advice into action all day and it's helped a little but I'm still struggling. I know it's gonna take time just like Rome wasn't built in a day but the intrusive thoughts are swirling around in my mind and sometimes I don't really realise. im afraid that I don't have ocd polar and it's scaring me. Pocd Thoughts of asking my partner to harm my daughter and then thoughts of him saying no and then me saying I want him to and that because he loves me he would and it's driving me nuts ugh. These don't seem like ocd thoughts, they feel as though they're a conversation I want to happen?? They wouldn't be classed as thoughts.. i am trying to change the way I think but it's hard
  13. I do appreciate your advice and yes I've been on here for a long time now and we'll tbh, things must change. I can't keep living like this so I'm gonna try, I've said it before, it's helped I guess as it doesn't bother me much for long periods of time but then boom, out of no where it's back again I didn't feel like this last week, I didn't struggle with intrusive thoughts during sex, it's the last few days but I will be strong again and beat it.
  14. Yes of course I am tired of this Polar! Do you really think I enjoy feel on edge nearly every day? i come on here for support, not horrible comments. You make me feel worse than I already I am! i just need advice and help, yes occasionally maybe I do look for reassurance but so what? If it helps who cares? i feel as though I'm a terrible person and I feel as though I now can't have sex as when I orgasm the thought/image of my daughter comes into my head and it feels like I'm orgasming over her as my eyes roll back etc. Surely this is just the orgasming not the thoughts? im so confused and hating life. If o wasn't pregnant I wouldn't be here.
  15. Will I ever get through this? i don't know if it's because I'm pregnant again and hormones are all over the place but I'm still struggling with pocd. its been really bad over the last few days, with pocd thoughts that I want my partner to harm my daughter is disgusting ways and it feels so real and then I'll have thoughts of both of us doing stuff to her and it's driving me nuts. one particular thought which is bothering me the most is like, thoughts of saying or asking something and saying it out loud. This happened earlier and it was 'Let's r**e (daughters name)' and it freaked me out and it keeps coming into my head that I want to say that or ask stuff like that!
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