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fightoffyourdemons

OCD-UK Member
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About fightoffyourdemons

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  1. fightoffyourdemons

    Just out of hospital, not strong enough for this.

    Thank you x
  2. fightoffyourdemons

    Just out of hospital, not strong enough for this.

    Hi all. I’m still really struggling with this today, the urge to confess is taking over. It usually goes after a day or two but it is lingering here. I’m not sure if that’s just because I’m still ill and vulnerable to attacks, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done something very, very wrong - despite never actually having a one on one conversation with this person.
  3. fightoffyourdemons

    Just out of hospital, not strong enough for this.

    Thank you. It’s always nice to hear others who have the same experience. I’d always welcome other thoughts too.
  4. Hey there. I realise this is probably not an ideal post and I should be battling this in my own, but I am recently out of hospital due to throat issues, am very (legally!) drugged up and don’t seem to have the strength to fight this. For some context - I'm male and a sufferer of chronic OCD and BPD and have been all of my life. I am in a committed long term relationship with my girlfriend who I love and adore and I have MASSIVE historic issues with guilt. I feel the urge to confess to my s/o - which I don't want to do in this situation. Whether that’s because she’s taking care of me or not, I don’t know. Maybe that is increasing the guilt. I'm hoping that my sharing my thoughts here, it will help me and any advice that can be given about if I have fundamentally done something wrong, would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry this may be long - I’m not in a great way and I appreciate your patience. The guilt I am currently experiencing relates to something which happened last week (and although I felt initial pangs of guilt at the time, it went away, until getting ill. The fact it went away and has come back leads me to think it's the OCD but I can't be sure). So, I sing in a band and last year I bumped into another local band, which contains 2 guys and a girl. They are a bit younger than we are (maybe early 20’s) and the two guys said that the girl loved us and always listened to us. She wasn’t there at the time. This was great to hear because I never think anyone does! It was great to hear they all liked us! She is quite an attractive skater chick, but I’ve never spoken to her and would have no reason to. I’m not a sleaze or a creep. However, one thing I have noticed about myself is that I do get a ‘buzz’ when attractive females pay me some attention/like a social media status of mine/like my band. It’s probably a flattery thing and also a throwback to not really having any sort of attention when I was younger (typical I know). Since they told me they and she liked my band, I fixated on it a little bit. There’s a mutual respect and love between local bands for sure here - but sometimes there is back stabbing and competition - so if you find a group who are decent and kind, you stick with them. Up until I knew she liked us, I paid no attention. We’re not a big band by any means - but we do have fans across the world scattered about and we always have a good relationship with them. Since finding out, I followed her on Instagram so she’d follow us back. I do this with other people who like us too. Male and female. I have also liked one status of her’s. I’ve never sent any messages or flirted or ANYTHING to her. But I was flattered that a cool person liked us and that her being seen to like our posts was ‘cool’. Pretty pathetic I know. The other day I wanted to send them all a message saying how much I enjoyed their new song, but I think part of me wanted to impress her by her reading it (it’s worth noting I do this to other bands who don’t have females either) so I sent it to a group chat with all 3 members so they would all see it. Totally harmless and polite message. I ummed and arred about including her, but did anyway, hopefully in retrospect to try and beat my OCD worries. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but now I am unwell I am. Now I am wracked with guilt. Why did I do it? Why does a small part of me crave and seek validation from anyone who I think is cooler than me, made worse when they are attractive? As a person, I’m faithful to my girlfriend, I have never cheated, never flirt or act inappropriately in person to anyone. But in my head I have now concocted this weird little thing that makes me feel there is some little sordid affair I’m hiding, despite the fact that she, my girlfriend anyone else reading or monitoring it would think anything weird has happened from the outside looking in. It’s the REASONING behind it that bothers me. I feel like this seedy monster who’s relationship is tainted and fake now and any love my girlfriend gives me isn’t deserved as she doesn’t know who I really am. She has joked before about me talking to other girls from bands, but in a harmless way. She also knows I get obsessed with famous men from bands too (I try to reach out and get acceptance from them). Am I just blowing this out of proportion? Am I fixating on something that’s harmless and most people would just do and not think about? Is my over analyse creating this into a bigger issue than it actually is? People hold doors open for people all of the time, people smile at attractive people or go out of their way to do something nice for them (even if they are in a relationship and even though they should be doing it to anyone, regardless of attractiveness). I have since unfollowed her on social media. It all stemmed from when I was told she liked our music. I’d never given her a second thought before then. I have no interest in perusing or even talking directly to her. Don’t know her, she’s just someone in a cool band who’s kinda hot who I was flattered liked us. But I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I shouldn’t be acting in a harmless way with seedy reasonings. I’m going out of my mind here and I know this is incredibly annoying to read. But any support would be so helpful. Thank you (and sorry). FoYD x
  5. fightoffyourdemons

    Guilt - I am scum

    Thank you all so much. x
  6. fightoffyourdemons

    Guilt - I am scum

    I’m struggling at the moment with feelings of guilt - something I have always battled with. I have a long term girlfriend of 2 years who I love very much. I haven’t ever cheated or have had any urges to, or any inappropriate incidents or flirting with anyone else. In fact, I often remove myself from interaction with attractive females so avoid worry (something which I know isn’t wise either as it is just deflecting the worry). However, something I do, which I haven’t given much thought too before now, is check out attractive people’s pictures on social media from time to time - sometimes people I know. I never ‘like’ them, comment on them, do anything inappropriate or anything like that. I do ‘check them out’ though. Although obviously not a good thing, I had always just dismissed it as a harmless, normal thing - no different to looking at an attractive person on the street and commenting to friends. However, lately it has been filling me with enormous guilt and making me feel like a pervert, that I’ve cheated and that I’ve invalidated my relationship. I also have borderline personality disorder and a sporadic high sex drive and masturbation drive, but I never masturbate over the pictures obviously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and feel as though I either have to tell my girlfriend, or leave her - as she has always said she would never stay with someone if they cheated on her. I am scum and I am disgusting. But yet, I still do it from time to time. Is that because I know deep down it’s not an issue, or is it because I’m sick and evil?
  7. Hi there, This forum and site has long been a comfort and reassurance for me in the 20+ years of being a sufferer. I have tried to fight this for a few days but I am reaching breaking point, where I feel the urge to confess to my s/o - which I don't want to do. I'm hoping that my sharing my thoughts here, it will help me and any advice that can be given about if I have fundamentally done something wrong, would be greatly appreciated. For some context - I'm male and a sufferer of chronic OCD and BPD and have been all of my life. I am in a committed long term relationship with my girlfriend and I have historic issues with guilt. The guilt I am currently experiencing relates to something which happened quite a few weeks ago (and although I felt initial pangs of guilt at the time, it went away, until the last week when I have been struck down with a virus, leading me to lay in bed and ruminate constantly. The fact it went away and has come back leads me to think it's the OCD but I can't be sure). Basically, I sing in a band and one of our fans and I became quite good friends over a year or so ago. She is gay, meaning I have never had any issues with worries or guilt before and I have always had a good, healthy relationship with her. She is moderately attractive, but that is by the by. A few weeks ago, she came to see us play live. It's worth noting we are only friends through her love of my band. My girlfriend was unable to make it (her being there is usually enough to stop any feelings of guilt) but myself and my friend hung out with the female in question. She also brought her friend along (who I did not find remotely attractive). I am usually a confident person, who is outgoing and who likes to 'show off' a little bit, but nothing sinister in it. The four of us were talking and hanging out for a few hours of the night (along with my family and other band mates) and I was feeling very relaxed and chilled out. I remember thinking "I'm not panicking, I'm relaxing". I hugged my female friend twice when she arrived - we don't get to see each other much but she's a really cool person - and felt guilty about that, mainly because she was looking more attractive than she has before (my male friend also commented on that). We hung out and I think I was enjoying the fact that there were two people there who liked our band and it was a confidence boost. There was nothing seedy or flirting about how we were talking or anything like that, I was just "playing it cool". I was interacting exactly the same way with my female friend and her unattractive friend (probably more joking around with her friend) yet I felt very guilty that I was doing something wrong. As some additional context, things with my girlfriend and I have been a bit up and down for the last few months and our sex life had decreased quite a bit. I struggle with feeling affection and love from her, although I don't think that played a part. After the show I asked my friend if I had done anything inappropriate and he laughed and couldn't believe I had asked him. He said absolutely not. It's normal to show off sometimes and hang out and if I didn't find one of them slightly attractive I wouldn't be worrying about it. That was enough for me, but over the last few days the guilt has come back. Potentially because things with my girlfriend have seemed better - I now feel like I have cheated on her somehow, even though at most I was very midly flirting with someone (although I don't think I was - I was just showing off a bit to a couple of people who like my band and was feeling relaxed in the company of friends). I am going out of my head here and any advice, thoughts, comfort would be appreciated. Am I a bad person? Have I messed up? It's been leading me to thoughts of self-harm and the feeling that I am trapped and can't escape. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I only human? Apologies for rambling on and thank you. foyd x
  8. fightoffyourdemons

    Help..

    Which I’m aware sounded like more reassurance requesting..
  9. fightoffyourdemons

    Help..

    Thank you. That is usually the case, so hopefully that will happen now - appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply, especially during this busy period. It’s the head movement which is bothering me the most, rather than the thought itself.
  10. fightoffyourdemons

    Help..

    Hi all. I realise this is almost certainly a reassurance post, but the Christmas period is such an emotionally draining, scary time for me, that I feel so beaten down. I just haven’t the energy to try and process this or not, so I’m reaching out for some help. I have always struggled with guilt and ROCD with my OCD/BPD, and questioning normal human reactions. I am currently staying at a house with my girlfriend and her family. Her brother and his girlfriend are also staying here as well. Last night as I was walking to bed and passing her brother’s bedroom, I heard some movement in there (I know it was his girlfriend pottering around). I am not attracted to her in the slightest and have never had any sort of worries in that way. However, in this moment I suddenly thought “oh I wonder if she is getting changed” and even though the door was closed, I for some reason instinctively moved my head as if to look. Now I can’t tell why I moved my head and I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had seen something. I have NO interest in this women at all, in any way sexually. I can’t stress that enough. The door was fully closed and there was no way I could have seen anything anyway, but it’s the fact I thought it and my head then moved as if to look - I can’t understand it. Simple human nature which I messed up on? Something more sinister? Normal human curiosity and innate reaction? I feel like a pervert and that I’ve devalued my relationship with my girlfriend and have to tell her. Usually I would be stronger and battle this, but I feel so broken down that I don’t know where to turn. Thank you.
  11. fightoffyourdemons

    I thought I was better than this.

    Thank you.
  12. Ok, so to set the scene. I’m 29, with a wonderful girlfriend who I live with and love very much. I have also struggled all of my life with guilt, especially ROCD and relationship guilt and confessing. On Friday night I was out with friends and I bumped into someone who I used to work with and who I got on well with. There was never ever remotely a hint of anything remotely flirtatious there (although I did find her pretty). She wasn’t someone I would say I was ‘friends’ with, but in a work environment she was really cool and we had a close knit team. I hadn’t seen her for a long time, so we hugged (something I used to struggle with guilt wise, so I always make a point of doing it now). It was just a standard polite thing to do, but half way through hugging her, I realised it was really good to see her (hadn’t see her in a year or so) and so I hugged harder. It wasn't inaaprioate, just a friendly hug. Nothing seedy - just genuine happiness to see her. At the moment of getting the ‘feeling’ to hug her harder (by harder I should I just clarify that it was just like a hug for a friend, rather than just a formal hug), I had such a pang of guilt and that has continued ever since. I haven’t confessed, but I really want to. My brain is just spiralling - why did I hug harder? Why was it nice to see her? I find her pretty. Is that is? What was that ‘feeling’? I can’t explain or understand it. I feel so guilty, that I have done something wrong and that I have to get to the bottom of why I did it. I always get this like around Christmas, because I want everything to be perfect. This is very, very hard at the moment and I could really do with some support.
  13. fightoffyourdemons

    Flirting and eye contact

    Sorry for the repetition. Any feedback welcome. Trying hard not to spiral into guilt.
  14. fightoffyourdemons

    Flirting and eye contact

    Thank you. In theory that makes sense and I realise that's the point of this ba*tard illness, but it's the thoughts I have during the eye contact - "I want you to know I'm looking at you" - but it's like I only think that once the eye contact has been made. Or I linger that little bit too long and get off on it. It's like I'm sick and blaming the OCD feels like a cop-out.
  15. fightoffyourdemons

    Flirting and eye contact

    Thank you. In theory that makes sense and I realise that's the point of this ba*tard illness, but it's the thoughts I have during the eye contact - "I want you to know I'm looking at you" - but it's like I only think that once the eye contact has been made. Or I linger that little bit too long and get off on it. It's like I'm sick and blaming the OCD feels like a cop-out.
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