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fightoffyourdemons

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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  1. Thank you so much for taking your time to reply. That is very helpful and I will take it ok board. Thanks for the support.
  2. Apologies, I hadn’t seen that reply. Many thanks. I was a little confused what they meant? There’s no need for the attitude or assumptions - it was a genuine mistake.
  3. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with getting caught in a ruminating/guilt cycle? I used to be able to have a handle on it, but lately I cannot seem to cope with being around an female who I find attractive. I am second guessing everything I say to them, wondering why I am saying things to them, feeling guilty about making them laugh (even though I tend to try and do that with anyone anyway), constantly feeling as though I have overstepped some imaginary boundary that I have determined in my mind means that I'm a cheater and need to leave my girlfriend, even though the person in question has no idea anything has happened, worrying about moving close to people, feeling guilty and wondering if I have flirted.. An occasion last week where I made a joke and found myself looking at the attractive person to see if they laughed. Perhaps a part of me did want to impress them, in a way with no other intentions and with no intention of acting on anything. Now I feel as though I have cheated and I must confess and that I am the worst person in the world. I think perhaps if I didn't have OCD I would just have these interactions and not think about it...but then I feel that's a cop-out and also IF I do things wrong (such as looking at an attractive person, perhaps hoping they laugh more at a joke than someone who I deem to be less attractive), then I deserve to be pulled up and suffer and feel bad about myself and perhaps it is my karma for being a bad human. Even describing people as "unattractive" and "attractive" makes me feel like a jerk. Why do I naturally gravitate to make small talk with people at work who are more attractive? Is that human nature? It's never conscious. I never think about acting on anything and I adore my girlfriend and loath cheaters. Sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. I am just deeply unhappy.
  4. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and helpful replies. This forum is much appreciated and I will take the above on board.
  5. Recently I have found myself feeling guilty about enjoying the smell of the person I sit next to at work - their perfume. Guilty to the point where I feel like I am cheating and must tell my partner. I am in a long term relationship and I love my partner a lot, but I have always struggled with guilt and have never been able to fully compartmentalise any relationships I have with people, and the moment I feel any connection to someone (be it family member, friend, colleague) I have always felt that suddenly I am in love with them. The person I sit next to at work is cool and someone who I used to work with ages ago and recently rejoined. She’s genuinely just a very nice person. She’s pretty but I don’t long for her or crave her attention or do anything inappropriate. She just happens to smell nice and we get on. We never talk outside of work and our relationship isn’t anything other than professional. I never think about her or the smell until I smell it, if that makes sense. I don’t seek it out. I feel a comfort when I get a waft of it - but I also know that I attribute things and meaning to senses which other people don’t. I also used to get a comfort when I smelt my mum as a child and thought I was in love with her. Am I in denial? Just reading too much into it? Is it just OCD? Life is hard and will just kick you when you think you are getting better.
  6. Again, thank you also. I feel much calmer reading these replies.
  7. Hey there. Ever since last night I have been spiralling in circles about this and I’m hoping someone can help. Apologies if this is rambling - I will try and keep it concise. Backstory: I am 30, male, have OCD and borderline personality disorder. Have always battled feelings of guilt and have often confused feelings of friendship/family with lust and worried about it. Am in long term relationship. I don’t drink. Last night, I was out with some friends. A friend of a friend arrived and was quite drunk. This person is loud, flirty and quite brash. They are also quite objectively attractive but that is (hopefully) besides the point. She knows I struggle with eye contact etc but doesn’t really know why (it all stems from me never being able to look pretty people in the eye as I feel like I’m cheating - which I know is dumb). She also appears to be the sort of drunk person who likes to play games and pick up on people being awkward, which I guess usually wouldn’t matter but for me it just spirals me out of control. Anyway, she kept leaning on me in the middle of the pub intensely looking at me saying “Why are you awkward?” and it made me feel super uncomfortable, as those sorts of scenarios and close contact has always been reserved for someone I was already sexually involved with. I would keep backing away etc but felt I couldn’t say anything because all of our friends were there. I ended up writing long rambling notes to myself about what happened and fell asleep distraught. The notes are: “She was drunk and intense. Made you feel awkward. She picked up on that and made you feel more awkward. Kept looking at you. You wanted to back away. She even commented on how awkward you seemed. Josh commented on how you backed away. Not used to having another female that close to you. If you really HAD done an action wrong, you would know about it. You felt as though you couldn’t pull away when she was leaning on you because it would be rude. Felt very uncomfortable. Moment where you looked at each other and it made you feel weird. Just wanted to get away. Similar to the red button pushing worry. Didn’t linger. It was a split second that felt like hours. Gav said you did nothing wrong. You were upset. Nothing happened. It was in the middle of a pub. Made sure you left shortly. Nothing happened. You didn’t instigate anything. Just thoughts. Nothing wrong. You haven’t done anything. You are a good person who only does good actions. You can’t help your intrusive thoughts that get heightened.” So I guess to conclude: 1 Do I need to tell my girlfriend? I feel like scum. 2 Did I do anything wrong? 3 It all of the above OCD? 4 Should it change anything that if I WAS single, then it may not have made me feel as uncomfortable because I find her attractive? At one point I swear that I felt a reminder/tingle of when I have kissed people before (when single) and that if I wasn’t single then this would be fine. I didn’t obviously do anything and felt awkward and wanted to leave. All of these 1000s of thoughts were happening in 3 seconds. Sorry. And thank you x
  8. Hi all. I’m still really struggling with this today, the urge to confess is taking over. It usually goes after a day or two but it is lingering here. I’m not sure if that’s just because I’m still ill and vulnerable to attacks, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done something very, very wrong - despite never actually having a one on one conversation with this person.
  9. Thank you. It’s always nice to hear others who have the same experience. I’d always welcome other thoughts too.
  10. Hey there. I realise this is probably not an ideal post and I should be battling this in my own, but I am recently out of hospital due to throat issues, am very (legally!) drugged up and don’t seem to have the strength to fight this. For some context - I'm male and a sufferer of chronic OCD and BPD and have been all of my life. I am in a committed long term relationship with my girlfriend who I love and adore and I have MASSIVE historic issues with guilt. I feel the urge to confess to my s/o - which I don't want to do in this situation. Whether that’s because she’s taking care of me or not, I don’t know. Maybe that is increasing the guilt. I'm hoping that my sharing my thoughts here, it will help me and any advice that can be given about if I have fundamentally done something wrong, would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry this may be long - I’m not in a great way and I appreciate your patience. The guilt I am currently experiencing relates to something which happened last week (and although I felt initial pangs of guilt at the time, it went away, until getting ill. The fact it went away and has come back leads me to think it's the OCD but I can't be sure). So, I sing in a band and last year I bumped into another local band, which contains 2 guys and a girl. They are a bit younger than we are (maybe early 20’s) and the two guys said that the girl loved us and always listened to us. She wasn’t there at the time. This was great to hear because I never think anyone does! It was great to hear they all liked us! She is quite an attractive skater chick, but I’ve never spoken to her and would have no reason to. I’m not a sleaze or a creep. However, one thing I have noticed about myself is that I do get a ‘buzz’ when attractive females pay me some attention/like a social media status of mine/like my band. It’s probably a flattery thing and also a throwback to not really having any sort of attention when I was younger (typical I know). Since they told me they and she liked my band, I fixated on it a little bit. There’s a mutual respect and love between local bands for sure here - but sometimes there is back stabbing and competition - so if you find a group who are decent and kind, you stick with them. Up until I knew she liked us, I paid no attention. We’re not a big band by any means - but we do have fans across the world scattered about and we always have a good relationship with them. Since finding out, I followed her on Instagram so she’d follow us back. I do this with other people who like us too. Male and female. I have also liked one status of her’s. I’ve never sent any messages or flirted or ANYTHING to her. But I was flattered that a cool person liked us and that her being seen to like our posts was ‘cool’. Pretty pathetic I know. The other day I wanted to send them all a message saying how much I enjoyed their new song, but I think part of me wanted to impress her by her reading it (it’s worth noting I do this to other bands who don’t have females either) so I sent it to a group chat with all 3 members so they would all see it. Totally harmless and polite message. I ummed and arred about including her, but did anyway, hopefully in retrospect to try and beat my OCD worries. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but now I am unwell I am. Now I am wracked with guilt. Why did I do it? Why does a small part of me crave and seek validation from anyone who I think is cooler than me, made worse when they are attractive? As a person, I’m faithful to my girlfriend, I have never cheated, never flirt or act inappropriately in person to anyone. But in my head I have now concocted this weird little thing that makes me feel there is some little sordid affair I’m hiding, despite the fact that she, my girlfriend anyone else reading or monitoring it would think anything weird has happened from the outside looking in. It’s the REASONING behind it that bothers me. I feel like this seedy monster who’s relationship is tainted and fake now and any love my girlfriend gives me isn’t deserved as she doesn’t know who I really am. She has joked before about me talking to other girls from bands, but in a harmless way. She also knows I get obsessed with famous men from bands too (I try to reach out and get acceptance from them). Am I just blowing this out of proportion? Am I fixating on something that’s harmless and most people would just do and not think about? Is my over analyse creating this into a bigger issue than it actually is? People hold doors open for people all of the time, people smile at attractive people or go out of their way to do something nice for them (even if they are in a relationship and even though they should be doing it to anyone, regardless of attractiveness). I have since unfollowed her on social media. It all stemmed from when I was told she liked our music. I’d never given her a second thought before then. I have no interest in perusing or even talking directly to her. Don’t know her, she’s just someone in a cool band who’s kinda hot who I was flattered liked us. But I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I shouldn’t be acting in a harmless way with seedy reasonings. I’m going out of my mind here and I know this is incredibly annoying to read. But any support would be so helpful. Thank you (and sorry). FoYD x
  11. I’m struggling at the moment with feelings of guilt - something I have always battled with. I have a long term girlfriend of 2 years who I love very much. I haven’t ever cheated or have had any urges to, or any inappropriate incidents or flirting with anyone else. In fact, I often remove myself from interaction with attractive females so avoid worry (something which I know isn’t wise either as it is just deflecting the worry). However, something I do, which I haven’t given much thought too before now, is check out attractive people’s pictures on social media from time to time - sometimes people I know. I never ‘like’ them, comment on them, do anything inappropriate or anything like that. I do ‘check them out’ though. Although obviously not a good thing, I had always just dismissed it as a harmless, normal thing - no different to looking at an attractive person on the street and commenting to friends. However, lately it has been filling me with enormous guilt and making me feel like a pervert, that I’ve cheated and that I’ve invalidated my relationship. I also have borderline personality disorder and a sporadic high sex drive and masturbation drive, but I never masturbate over the pictures obviously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and feel as though I either have to tell my girlfriend, or leave her - as she has always said she would never stay with someone if they cheated on her. I am scum and I am disgusting. But yet, I still do it from time to time. Is that because I know deep down it’s not an issue, or is it because I’m sick and evil?
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