ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

Sorry - yes, I was giving reassurance. I was just hoping that if the OP educated themselves on how hiv is actually transmitted, as I did, it might lessen the ocd panic. I know the OP could think of a million what if's, as i did, but knowing the facts has definitely helped me differentiate between what is a real hiv threat and what is an ocd thought. I didn't mean to upset anyone or harm the OP and exacerbate their ocd. Sending hugs xx

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and for your support. Dksea - you are inspirational, thank you! Taurean - thank you for reminding me that age is just a number - you're completely correct! I'm still relatively young (36) and hopefully have another 46 years of life to go based on average life expectancy for women in the UK, so I'm not even halfway there yet. Plus, I'll be 68 at least before I can retire so I've got another 32 years to work before then - hopefully I'll find a fulfilling career in that time!! I guess because I was (am!) so career-orientated and a perfectionist with a clear career path, I feel lost and worthless without my former career. I'm trying to find new things to get "obsessed" with - mindfulness on the Calm app is one, and I want to start volunteering with a mental health charity once I'm more recovered, especially for others with ocd. I love exercise, especially Body Combat, so might become qualified as an instructor. I'm already a qualified general fitness instructor, so would love to run group exercise sessions for people with anxiety disorders and/or depression. I just need to get more stable and get stronger first. I'm hoping it'll give me a purpose and focus outside trying to get the "perfect" career and life. I'm trying to focus on recovery and getting better so that I can get to where I want to be. Thanks for all your support, it means so much xxx

Thanks guys. Really appreciate your thoughts xx

Hiv CAN'T last as a transmittable virus for days. It really does die on contact with air which is why it has to be bodily fluids inside another body (such as sex) or an airtight container such as a syringe which you inject into your body (and even then, the odds are a lot lower than for unprotected sex). Blood that's had contact with air is not infectious plus a cut on your finger or bitten nails will have protective skin cells covering them as they heal. Your body is amazing at protecting itself against viruses. You have not been at risk for hiv. If you don't believe me, read the poz.com forums, esp the have I been infected section- the facilitators are all hiv+ and very knowledgeable. I learnt a lot about hiv transmission, which has really helped my ocd. Don't read any other sites. Googling is not your friend. I know how scared you are, but you are working yourself up into a frenzy about nothing. This is an ocd thought, not reality. Sending you hugs xx

Hey all, It's been a while since I've been on the forum but with therapy and daily ERP, my OCD is gradually improving. However, my life is still on hold. Still living with my parents which is difficult, still not working, still struggling with ocd, still very isolated and alone with no life. I'm terrified about getting back into the real world and getting a job- I want a career back more than anything but am still not strong enough for a pressurised job but temping is dull and the pay is generally rubbish, plus I'm terrified that I'll have another breakdown. I need to get a life and make new friends (mine all live 250 miles away) and generally start living again, but the thought of the hell I've had over the past few years with my mental health being so poor makes me terrified of the future. I'm very low atm and feeling quite hopeless. I know recovery is in steps, but I just so desperately want a life worth living. I want it to happen now... yesterday!! I feel very frustrated and bitter at the ocd for robbing me of my life and dreams. My ocd and anxiety are still severe but the depression is really starting to kick in. Any advice on how to deal with recovery and the frustrations of it? Sometimes I just wish I was dead so as to stop suffering so much. My therapist and parents tell me I have so much to live for, but I don't believe them. How do you accept having a life-limiting condition that flares up so horrendously and frequently? I don't feel like I can have kids due to my ocd (it wouldn't be fair on them with my frequent breakdowns) and without a career i feel without purpose and identity. How do I come to terms with this? Thanks in advance xx

Well done BelAnna!! xx

Hiv is a very fragile virus that dies on contact with air. It's hard to catch. The only way you can catch it as an adult is through unprotected sex or sharing needles with a hiv+ person who's not on treatment, or a needlestick injury if a healthcare professional. If on treatment, undetectable = untransmittable. I say this as someone with severe hiv ocd - those are the facts. In theory, if you were in a knife fight and bleeding and being bled profusely into then hiv could possibly be transmitted, but the situation you've described isn't a risk. I'm obsessed with stepping on used needles- my GUM doctor told me the probability is so low that it's miniscule. You don't need to test- unless you've been having unprotected sex or sharing needles with someone then you are NOT at risk. This is ocd, pure and simple. Sending you sympathetic and empathetic hugs xx

You do a great job. Thank you xx

You both speak a lot of sense. It's so helpful to sufferers to know that we're not alone and that these thoughts are just intrusive and that, distressing as they are, they are lies and not a reflection of our true characters or real actions. They are just intrusive thoughts. Thank you both for posting. Happy sunday to you both xx

Hey there, So sorry to hear that you're struggling and condolences about your dad. It's a huge thing to deal with, losing a parent, so it's natural that your ocd will spike at this time. Have you spoken to your manager about your mental state? Have you taken any compassionate leave? Can you speak to family/friends/a therapist about what's going on? Talking will help with the grief - maybe seek professional help for that as well as the ocd. Samaritans or bereavement charity helplines can help in the interim. Only therapy will help your ocd - cbt and erp. If you can't face work atm then maybe consider sick leave until you're well enough to engage with therapy and deal with your ocd re work. Again, I'm really sorry that you're struggling and about your dad. I wish you well xx

Hi there, I'm so sorry that you're struggling too and in a similar situation - it's so hard when you feel stuck and like you're going nowhere. I completely empathise with you. But it has to get better, mustn't it?? With therapy and time, things must improve. I'm trying to forget about the ex - every time I think of him, it triggers my ocd fears about herpes and sends me into a panic, so I'm just distracting as much as possible. Thank you for your supportive comments- I'm not well enough yet to join clubs etc as am still finding it hard to leave the house and be around other people re contamination fears, but I'm working on it by doing small steps for ERP every day. We just have to believe that we will get well again, we do have a future, and that soon we'll be posting pics on Facebook that'll make others compare and despair!! ? Only joking, I wouldn't wish harm on any innocent person. Hope that you too have a bearable weekend and that you look after yourself xx

Thank you. Sending you hugs back. Hope that you're managing your ocd and keeping well xx

Hi Lost, Sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard when you argue with the people you love most in the world - it hurts the most. Feeling like being a burden is horrible too. I guess we just have to accept that we didn't choose to have ocd, this illness chose us and we just have to deal with it the best we can. Hope that you can have a good weekend and not fight with your mum. Look after each other, even when you want to rip each other's throats out - that's what i keep telling myself. We only have limited time with them on this planet. It all comes out of frustration re the situation. I try to see it from my parents' point of view, hard as it is. They do try their best, but it's a really hard illness to cope with as a carer and there's no professional help for them. Thinking of you xx

Hi Roy, Thanks for your response. I'm so glad that this forum exists and that fellow ocd sufferers can help each other. It's a great comfort to know that there's people around who understand. I do feel angry towards my parents - I've directed them to all sorts of reading material, have tried to inform them myself etc but they're just not interested. It's very upsetting. I feel like if i had cancer or some physical illness that they'd be doing all the research into cures etc that they could- I would if it were my child. Yet mental illness? I'm on my own. The only way I can get space is by being alone in my room and doing my ERP on my own with no support except for the once-weekly session with my therapist. At least I'm learning to be more resilient and self-sufficient re my ocd. It's just very painful and lonely. Thank you for your help and support - it means a lot. TiN xx

Also, the feeling of being a burden on my parents is really hard. They don't even try and hide their resentment that I'm/my being ill is ruining their retirement. Last night, my dad called me a deadweight around their necks. That really hurt - he said it to my mum, not to my face, but I overheard. I'm staying away from them as much as possible/creating as much space between us as possible but I've already had an argument with my mother today. I can't go on like this anymore. I feel like hanging myself with a note saying "now I'm a real deadweight" out of spite. I have nobody to support me during this illness. I can't take anymore. The professionals are useless. There's no help. Can anyone advise? Thanks xx

Hi taurean, Thanks for your response and helpful words. You're right that the comparing has become an obsession and that I need to stop my checking compulsions to overcome it. I also need to stop comparing myself to people who don't have ocd - for all I know, they could be struggling with a MH issue or physical illness. Social media lies. I'm more upset with my ex because he too has struggled with ocd, albeit a milder form than I've got. I thought he understood and believed him when he said he would always be there for me. As the TV series doctor House said: "People lie". Still hurts very deeply, though. Hopefully my pulled muscle will ease up and I can get back exercising and can do some yoga and mindfulness in the meantime. Any advice on how to cope with family dynamics when one person is ill and the others can't cope? We're at each other's throats the whole time, a lot of spiteful and destructive things are being said, which isn't helping any of us. There's no professional help and my parents won't read my cbt books on how to cope with stress and change their own thinking patterns, nor will they seek professional help for themselves. All the onus is being put on me to get better asap, which is a lot of pressure and is more difficult for an anxiety disorder when the atmosphere is so emotionally charged and explosive all the time. Any ideas? Cheers xx

Hi all, Hope you're all doing well. Things are still really rough with me but I'm getting better with the ocd albeit at a frustratingly slow pace. I've just found out that my ex-partner, who I thought was my "lobster" and who I was talking marriage with, is dating someone new and that's why he hasn't been in touch this past month. We broke up because I had the ocd breakdown and I thought it was more of a break than an actual break-up, whilst i got better, as I couldn't be around him due to the ocd thoughts of being contaminated with hiv or herpes from anyone and everyone. It was an amicable break-up and we said we'd stay friends- and I've really needed a friend. But he hasn't been in contact for a month so I contacted him and he told me that he was seeing someone new and out of respect for her feelings, couldn't be in contact with me, his so-called best friend, who has been really ill. I've been devastated by his cruelty, to say the least. If it was a normal break-up, i would understand, but a really ill ex who lives 50 miles away?? How is that a threat to a new partner?! How hard is it to send a couple of texts a week to your so-called soul mate in a friendly capacity to see how they were doing?! I would never treat anyone so abysmally, let alone someone I loved! I'm slowly getting better but am still in a bad place with the ocd. Still living at home and my parents are my carers. Very little social interaction. No career, nothing to distract me from the hell of ocd. I'm making baby steps with my therapist but it's going to be a long journey. I just want my old life back. I know that i shouldn't, but I'm going on social media and comparing and despairing how previous partners and friends are doing. The thought of one ex in particular is tormenting me as he's got everything - really good job, gorgeous wife and kids. We don't keep in touch, I found his Facebook profile. I'm also comparing myself to the people who I did my PhD with - how well their careers are going, the exciting things they're doing, whilst I'm stuck in the ****-end of nowhere with my pensioner parents who I'm having an increasingly fractious relationship with as they don't understand anything about how I'm feeling. I feel hopeless, lost and very depressed. My friends all live 5 hours train ride away and are so busy with their own lives - careers, new babies etc. It's killing me that i can't have kids and that I've lost my career due to my ocd. I'm finding it very hard to have such a life-limiting lifelong condition - yes, it can be manageable, but given the number of breakdowns I've had over the past few years, it just feels like the future is going to be one of pain and suffering. I'm trying to distract myself but everything I do backfires. I pulled a muscle in my back exercising and I went to the cinema to see a star is born yesterday- I haven't stopped crying since. If you've seen it, you'll know why, I won't give any spoilers. I'm feel so lonely and down. Any advice? I'm seeing a professional therapist weekly doing ERP with her and am stabilised on meds through my CMHT. Thanks for your help xxx

Hi Skullpops, Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that everything has been a struggle for you too - the loss of a much-cherished and hard-worked for career is one of the most painful things I've been through - worse than relationship break-ups. Im sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship - I hope that s/he gets his/her comeuppance and suffers as much as they have made you suffer. How long were you in therapy for? How did you come to terms with the loss of your career? Have you found another career that's as fulfilling for you? What scares me is that I'm never going to find as "good" a career. I've had numerous relapses and worry about my future financially if I can't keep a job due to relapses. Everything is so overwhelming atm. Its just too much. I'm re-starting cbt this week after med changes made it impossible to be rational enough to engage, and am terrified. I know this situation can't carry on, but I've also been through ERP a number of times and am so scared of going through it again. I'm really sorry that you've had a bad day - do you have a support network to help you through? TiN x

Again, I'm sorry to hear that. It's such a horrible situation to be in. I don't know what to say to help you as i don't know myself. Does anyone have any advice for us, please?

I'm sorry to hear that. Are you finding any ways of coping? Do you treat it like ocd obsession/compulsion or more like depression? Are you having therapy, and if so, is it helping? X

Hey all, Not sure if it's the depression caused by my ocd being so severe that my life is on hold, but I'm finding myself obsessing and ruminating about my past prestigious career and previous partners. I lost my career due to an ocd breakdown 2 years ago and haven't had anything similar career-wise since. I've also just broken up with my partner and there's no realistic hope of reconciling. Now I can't stop thinking about all the people that i went to uni with and previous boyfriends, who now all seem to have good lives- careers, families etc, whereas I have nothing and feel like I've got no future. It's turning into an obsession for both aspects- those with good careers and families. I feel cheated that the ocd has destroyed my life. I feel bitter and full of regret for the decisions that I made in the past which have led to the situation as it is now. I just wish so much that i could go back 15 years and choose a different route, as mine has caused me so much pain and now seems pointless re a career change. I just cant seem to get over it. Any advice? Should I treat it like an ocd compulsion and just ignore and let the thought wash over me? I spend hours crying and there's this deep pain in my chest that just won't go. Thanks, TiN xx

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your responses and words of encouragement. Am feeling better now that I'm off the Prozac and back on escitaloptam plus lurasidone, but as has been said, the meds can only do so much. Start with a new cbt therapist tmw so maybe there's hope for the future. I know that there's no magic wand, but I really wish there was!! Specialist ocd in-patient treatment doesn't look likely due to CCG poverty /funding issues, despite there being no provisions for ocd in Wales. I've been advised by advocacy to get my AM involved in lobbying the CCG for funding, but have to exhaust all local (inadequate) options first. It's going to be a real struggle and I'm not sure that I've got the fight left. I'm so tired of the constant fear and anxiety. I feel so hopeless and despondent about the situation. I don't think that I'm worth getting better for. Thanks for all your help and support xx

Hi all, Me again, being down. I can't stop thinking about how having ocd has ruined my dreams, how it's stopped me from having the life that I want: the career, the kids, the LTR/marriage. The ocd had ruined everything as i get ill/relapse so often. I'm 36 and I've got nothing - I spend 90% of my time in my "safe zone" - my bedroom. I'm constantly being switched meds as nothing is working and I'm trying so hard to avoid doing at least some of my compulsions, but it's so hard. I'm 200 miles away from my good friends and I can't burden them with my problems as they have stressful jobs/young families. My parents, who I'm living with, are visibly aging from the stress everyday. I'm killing them, and that thought tears me up. My CMHT aren't really coming up with anything helpful, and I had to stop having private therapy as i couldn't afford it now I'm not working. It's about a year's waiting list for cbt with my CMHT. I hope that i can get fast-tracked but I'm not hopeful. I'm so lonely and every day is ocd hell. I feel so alone and scared about the future. I'm trying to work on self-help books but am so de-stabilised by another meds change that I'm a complete mess. It just feels so unfair that i haven't done anything to deserve this suffering and I'm trying my best to change my behaviour/compulsions but the ocd is so powerful. I feel like I've got nothing to get better for and just spend my days in my bedroom crying. I have nothing to live for - certainly not for myself. I hate myself because of the harm ocd thoughts I have and think that I'm a monstrous person. Maybe I do deserve to suffer, then?? I just cant take anymore of this pain. It feels like there's a hole in my chest which just constantly hurts. I just want the ocd and the pain to go away. Any ideas? Thanks xx

Thanks to everyone for your help and advice. I really appreciate it xx

Hi bobfish, Thanks for your message. So far, I've not had any responses from any.of the therapists that I've contacted. Maybe most are away as it's August and school holidays etc. But I haven't received out if office responses either, so I don't know. I guess I'll just keep trying. Maybe you're right about living as though I'm going to die anyway, but I'm a very risk-averse person and I just cant seem to live in the moment. I really struggle with mindfulness etc as i can't stay in the present and my mind is always on the go. I was thinking of doing some of those free online courses (MOOCS) by EdEx and Coursera as a way of distraction and a way of learning new things. Just don't have much concentration atm and get very frustrated with myself- I feel like I've dropped 20 IQ points atm!! Cheers x