ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

Sorry - yes, I was giving reassurance. I was just hoping that if the OP educated themselves on how hiv is actually transmitted, as I did, it might lessen the ocd panic. I know the OP could think of a million what if's, as i did, but knowing the facts has definitely helped me differentiate between what is a real hiv threat and what is an ocd thought. I didn't mean to upset anyone or harm the OP and exacerbate their ocd. Sending hugs xx

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and for your support. Dksea - you are inspirational, thank you! Taurean - thank you for reminding me that age is just a number - you're completely correct! I'm still relatively young (36) and hopefully have another 46 years of life to go based on average life expectancy for women in the UK, so I'm not even halfway there yet. Plus, I'll be 68 at least before I can retire so I've got another 32 years to work before then - hopefully I'll find a fulfilling career in that time!! I guess because I was (am!) so career-orientated and a perfectionist with a clear career path, I feel lost and worthless without my former career. I'm trying to find new things to get "obsessed" with - mindfulness on the Calm app is one, and I want to start volunteering with a mental health charity once I'm more recovered, especially for others with ocd. I love exercise, especially Body Combat, so might become qualified as an instructor. I'm already a qualified general fitness instructor, so would love to run group exercise sessions for people with anxiety disorders and/or depression. I just need to get more stable and get stronger first. I'm hoping it'll give me a purpose and focus outside trying to get the "perfect" career and life. I'm trying to focus on recovery and getting better so that I can get to where I want to be. Thanks for all your support, it means so much xxx

Thanks guys. Really appreciate your thoughts xx

Hiv CAN'T last as a transmittable virus for days. It really does die on contact with air which is why it has to be bodily fluids inside another body (such as sex) or an airtight container such as a syringe which you inject into your body (and even then, the odds are a lot lower than for unprotected sex). Blood that's had contact with air is not infectious plus a cut on your finger or bitten nails will have protective skin cells covering them as they heal. Your body is amazing at protecting itself against viruses. You have not been at risk for hiv. If you don't believe me, read the poz.com forums, esp the have I been infected section- the facilitators are all hiv+ and very knowledgeable. I learnt a lot about hiv transmission, which has really helped my ocd. Don't read any other sites. Googling is not your friend. I know how scared you are, but you are working yourself up into a frenzy about nothing. This is an ocd thought, not reality. Sending you hugs xx

Hey all, It's been a while since I've been on the forum but with therapy and daily ERP, my OCD is gradually improving. However, my life is still on hold. Still living with my parents which is difficult, still not working, still struggling with ocd, still very isolated and alone with no life. I'm terrified about getting back into the real world and getting a job- I want a career back more than anything but am still not strong enough for a pressurised job but temping is dull and the pay is generally rubbish, plus I'm terrified that I'll have another breakdown. I need to get a life and make new friends (mine all live 250 miles away) and generally start living again, but the thought of the hell I've had over the past few years with my mental health being so poor makes me terrified of the future. I'm very low atm and feeling quite hopeless. I know recovery is in steps, but I just so desperately want a life worth living. I want it to happen now... yesterday!! I feel very frustrated and bitter at the ocd for robbing me of my life and dreams. My ocd and anxiety are still severe but the depression is really starting to kick in. Any advice on how to deal with recovery and the frustrations of it? Sometimes I just wish I was dead so as to stop suffering so much. My therapist and parents tell me I have so much to live for, but I don't believe them. How do you accept having a life-limiting condition that flares up so horrendously and frequently? I don't feel like I can have kids due to my ocd (it wouldn't be fair on them with my frequent breakdowns) and without a career i feel without purpose and identity. How do I come to terms with this? Thanks in advance xx

Well done BelAnna!! xx

Hiv is a very fragile virus that dies on contact with air. It's hard to catch. The only way you can catch it as an adult is through unprotected sex or sharing needles with a hiv+ person who's not on treatment, or a needlestick injury if a healthcare professional. If on treatment, undetectable = untransmittable. I say this as someone with severe hiv ocd - those are the facts. In theory, if you were in a knife fight and bleeding and being bled profusely into then hiv could possibly be transmitted, but the situation you've described isn't a risk. I'm obsessed with stepping on used needles- my GUM doctor told me the probability is so low that it's miniscule. You don't need to test- unless you've been having unprotected sex or sharing needles with someone then you are NOT at risk. This is ocd, pure and simple. Sending you sympathetic and empathetic hugs xx

You do a great job. Thank you xx

You both speak a lot of sense. It's so helpful to sufferers to know that we're not alone and that these thoughts are just intrusive and that, distressing as they are, they are lies and not a reflection of our true characters or real actions. They are just intrusive thoughts. Thank you both for posting. Happy sunday to you both xx

Hey there, So sorry to hear that you're struggling and condolences about your dad. It's a huge thing to deal with, losing a parent, so it's natural that your ocd will spike at this time. Have you spoken to your manager about your mental state? Have you taken any compassionate leave? Can you speak to family/friends/a therapist about what's going on? Talking will help with the grief - maybe seek professional help for that as well as the ocd. Samaritans or bereavement charity helplines can help in the interim. Only therapy will help your ocd - cbt and erp. If you can't face work atm then maybe consider sick leave until you're well enough to engage with therapy and deal with your ocd re work. Again, I'm really sorry that you're struggling and about your dad. I wish you well xx

Hi there, I'm so sorry that you're struggling too and in a similar situation - it's so hard when you feel stuck and like you're going nowhere. I completely empathise with you. But it has to get better, mustn't it?? With therapy and time, things must improve. I'm trying to forget about the ex - every time I think of him, it triggers my ocd fears about herpes and sends me into a panic, so I'm just distracting as much as possible. Thank you for your supportive comments- I'm not well enough yet to join clubs etc as am still finding it hard to leave the house and be around other people re contamination fears, but I'm working on it by doing small steps for ERP every day. We just have to believe that we will get well again, we do have a future, and that soon we'll be posting pics on Facebook that'll make others compare and despair!! ? Only joking, I wouldn't wish harm on any innocent person. Hope that you too have a bearable weekend and that you look after yourself xx

Thank you. Sending you hugs back. Hope that you're managing your ocd and keeping well xx

Hi Lost, Sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard when you argue with the people you love most in the world - it hurts the most. Feeling like being a burden is horrible too. I guess we just have to accept that we didn't choose to have ocd, this illness chose us and we just have to deal with it the best we can. Hope that you can have a good weekend and not fight with your mum. Look after each other, even when you want to rip each other's throats out - that's what i keep telling myself. We only have limited time with them on this planet. It all comes out of frustration re the situation. I try to see it from my parents' point of view, hard as it is. They do try their best, but it's a really hard illness to cope with as a carer and there's no professional help for them. Thinking of you xx

Hi Roy, Thanks for your response. I'm so glad that this forum exists and that fellow ocd sufferers can help each other. It's a great comfort to know that there's people around who understand. I do feel angry towards my parents - I've directed them to all sorts of reading material, have tried to inform them myself etc but they're just not interested. It's very upsetting. I feel like if i had cancer or some physical illness that they'd be doing all the research into cures etc that they could- I would if it were my child. Yet mental illness? I'm on my own. The only way I can get space is by being alone in my room and doing my ERP on my own with no support except for the once-weekly session with my therapist. At least I'm learning to be more resilient and self-sufficient re my ocd. It's just very painful and lonely. Thank you for your help and support - it means a lot. TiN xx

Also, the feeling of being a burden on my parents is really hard. They don't even try and hide their resentment that I'm/my being ill is ruining their retirement. Last night, my dad called me a deadweight around their necks. That really hurt - he said it to my mum, not to my face, but I overheard. I'm staying away from them as much as possible/creating as much space between us as possible but I've already had an argument with my mother today. I can't go on like this anymore. I feel like hanging myself with a note saying "now I'm a real deadweight" out of spite. I have nobody to support me during this illness. I can't take anymore. The professionals are useless. There's no help. Can anyone advise? Thanks xx