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ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

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    Female
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    UK

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  1. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Thanks to everyone for your help and advice. I really appreciate it xx
  2. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Hi bobfish, Thanks for your message. So far, I've not had any responses from any.of the therapists that I've contacted. Maybe most are away as it's August and school holidays etc. But I haven't received out if office responses either, so I don't know. I guess I'll just keep trying. Maybe you're right about living as though I'm going to die anyway, but I'm a very risk-averse person and I just cant seem to live in the moment. I really struggle with mindfulness etc as i can't stay in the present and my mind is always on the go. I was thinking of doing some of those free online courses (MOOCS) by EdEx and Coursera as a way of distraction and a way of learning new things. Just don't have much concentration atm and get very frustrated with myself- I feel like I've dropped 20 IQ points atm!! Cheers x
  3. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    I sincerely hope that the side effects are going to subside soon. I'm in such a state and it's of no therapeutic benefit to my ocd. I'm seriously like the hulk - I'll just explode with angry outbursts. Or spend hours hysterically crying. I'll talk about the side effects with my psych at my next appt in a week's time. They're putting me up to 40mg, so I'm hoping the side effects won't increase exponentially. Thanks for the hope x
  4. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    I am furious at the crisis team for triggering/overloading my ocd whilst I'm destabilized on new meds and them knowing full well that a general psych ward would be the wrong place for me. I'm in an even worse state now. You wouldn't take a epileptic to a place with flashing lights, why take someone with severe OCD to a place which they've been told by myself and numerous family members would be most detrimental. Apparently I brought it on myself by constantly crying and talking about suicidal ideations to the crisis team - side effects of the meds - and minor self harm (razor scratches, barely broke the skin, certainly didn't need stitches or anything). They did nothing when I told them about my previous hanging attempts- they based it all on a hypothetical - that if I had hiv, then I was definitely going to kill myself. I didn't even know my hiv status then, and everyone was telling me I was so low-risk that they'd be amazed if it came back positive. It came back, of course, negative. So it was a completely futile hospitalisation. But now my ocd has got it's claws into that 16 hours or so in hospital- plus the fact that they gave me zopiclone against my wishes- and I'm now terrified that I've been infected with hiv, herpes and/or hepatitis. That IS the fault of the crisis team as they knew I perceived the psych ward as an unsafe environment and now both my harm and contamination ocds have been greatly triggered due to their box-ticking and ****-covering. So yes, I'm angry with the ocd, but I'm even more angry with the so-called professionals and lack of facilities for ocd sufferers in Wales. It's a 3rd world country here when it comes to mental health and esp ocd - prof salkovskis called it "woefully inadequate" in 2015 and not much has changed in 3 years!!!
  5. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Also, I've been on Prozac 20mg now for nearly 3 weeks and am having awful side effects- in particular anger, agitation, verbal aggression and suicidal ideation. Has anyone else experienced this and does it go away? Thanks xx
  6. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    It was the professionals who put me in the unsuitable environment of the psych ward in the first place. I'm having no contact with the crisis team at all, I absolutely do not trust them after they made me go into that place, knowing it would only make me worse. There's no professional help for me. I can't do cbt/erp on my own. I'm in a desperate state and just want the pain to stop.
  7. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    I'm housebound- more like bedroom bound as my parents can't bear to be around me atm and just tell at me to go to my room and take more diazepam. They can't take the panic attacks and crying. I'm trying to distract myself but nothing is working. I have nothing and no one to distract me. I'm completely alone.
  8. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Hey everyone. I'm freaking out about when I was in hospital. My original hiv test came back negative and now my ocd is telling me that I've been infected with hiv/herpes - and now a new one, hepatitis- during my overnight hospital /psych ward stay. I'm going out of my mind. I can't take anymore and just want to die. I can't talk to the professionals as they'll put me back in hospital. I called the Samaritans but all they can do is listen. I'm so scared. My parents don't understand and just call me stupid and irrational. Please help me!! I can't take anymore!
  9. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Thank you xx
  10. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Thank you. Much appreciated xx
  11. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Thanks, @PolarBear. I'm going to do it. Ocd had destroyed enough of my life. Am going to look for Skype/phone therapists now. Thank you xx
  12. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Yes, I do. I avoided romantic relationships for a long time after 2010 /11 when my hiv fears became so intense- I threw myself into my career and was living all over the place for a few months at a time in different countries, so had no firm base to call "home". But now i have no career and I don't think I've got any real friends - I've grown apart from my uni friends and only keep in touch sporadically with the people i met whilst living abroad in different places through social media. I have a lot of regrets of how I spent my 20's and early 30's. I know it's a natural part of life to lose friends as you age/mature but I'm now so cut off from everyday life due to the severity of my ocd leaving me housebound that i have such little human contact. It's such a sad existence. It has to change, I know it does- I'm just terrified of doing ERP again. It's almost become a phobia in itself. How do I overcome this? At first I thought it was the depression making me feel so hopeless, but I don't want to die - I want to live a normal, ocd-free life. How do I get over my fear of cbt/erp given how hard and upsetting I know that it is and will be? How do I change my mindset? Thanks xx
  13. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    I've really tried to cut down on the checking "down below" and spending less time on forums, but I am ringing helplines like the herpes association and Terrence Higgins trust to try and allay my fears should i be positive. I know it's a form of reassurance seeking, but it's also a way of me telling myself that i don't have to kill myself and that I could live with herpes and esp hiv should the worst come to the worst. I guess I'm replacing compulsions with another, but at least helplines seem to me a slightly healthier option of speaking to people with herpes and hiv and knowing that they're living normal lives with partners and families and that it's not the huge be all and end all that I've made it out to be in my head, I.e. I was thinking that I'd have to kill myself if I were diagnosed with either, now I'm starting to see that there can be life after diagnosis, esp with something as common as herpes. Honestly though, I'm still scared, but not of the viruses - I'm scared of the social rejection. I've been rejected a lot due to my mental health issues, and the "double stigma" terrifies me. My greatest fear is being alone and unloved. My partner leaving me for my ocd has just proven this again. But yes, need to stop compulsions. Thank you for listening xxx
  14. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    I'm glad that your experience was bearable - what type of ocd do you have? Mine's contamination and harm, both so severe atm that i can't be around other people, esp not people who are drugged up to the nines on meds and not fully compos mentos. It was a horrific experience- the ocd was really kicking off, I had more panic attacks than cups of tea and there was nobody there to support me. I went berserk when one of the nurses forgot to lock me back in the lounge and was literally sitting in the corner as far away from the door as possible, crying and shaking and repetitively counting the seconds until she came back with whatever she had gone to get me and could lock the door again. It was torture. I was terrified of the other patients, and whilst the night staff were nice, the day staff were too busy - I didn't even get to brush my teeth until after lunch, and only after my parents insisted. I had no bathroom. I only got lunch as a healthcare assistant remembered about me I had no breakfast and was locked in the lounge all morning, just crying and panicking and trying to get through it. Ocd sufferers with severe ocd should not be placed in general psych wards. There was so little understanding and compassion, esp from the day staff, it was awful!! Never again!! The CT are coming round every day with my meds - which have been increased- but I'm too scared to talk to them honestly about how I'm feeling in case they put me back in. So it'll be mask on and smiles all round when they come over. It shouldn't have to be like this for ocd sufferers!!! Am very angry about it! But at least the CT are monitoring the meds, but like I say, I'll have to downplay the bad bits and make it all sunshine and flowers to stay out of hospital. How did the CT help you? How long were they involved for? Which country/county are you based in? I'm in Wales, so it's devolved healthcare, but I think it's a similar model to England. Thanks xx
  15. ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

    Just out of hospital

    Hi PB, Yes, you're right. This was a low/no-risk event but it's really been triggered by having zopiclone when I thought (and agreed to) it being clonazepam. I've been on all the "pams" and have never sleptwalked from them. I have, however, sleptwalked on zopiclone so would never have agreed to take it had I known, as it has been so detrimental to my mental health. I know that i must stop doing the compulsions but I'm so distraught atm that I've been checking for herpes and have physical symptoms so am convinced that tomorrow I'm going to wake up with blisters all over my fandango. I live in a perpetual state of fear. I know that the underlying cause of my ocd is rejection- my partner has just left me, as he's had enough of the ocd, as I couldn't see him due to fears of him being contaminated with herpes or hiv. That really hurt, esp as he's suffered with ocd in the past, and we were talking marriage. I feel betrayed and rejected and that's really triggered my ocd fears again - who's going to want someone with not only severe OCD and depression, but also herpes and/or hiv?!? Not many!! I'm terrified of being on my own, and it's hurting more and more now I'm in my mid-30's and seeing friends settling down and having kids. I can't even keep a job due to my MH issues - I'm going to re-start therapy once the meds have settled a bit and do more cbt/erp. I'm terrified as it's hell to do, but you're right that stopping compulsions is the only way to reduce the thoughts. Should I also focus on the underlying issues in therapy I.e. fear of rejection, stigma, ostracisation, before starting erp, as it is these recurring fears driving my ocd. Erp on its own without tackling the issues has given me back a normal-ish life where I can function, but not removed the underlying fears. Would really appreciate your view, based on your experience on this. Thank you for your advice and support. Much appreciated. TiN xx
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