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mrgarfield94

Bulletin Board User
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  1. I know not everyone is saintly, but people with OCD don't act on their obsessions
  2. I also suffered from sexual abuse from a family member when I was younger and I'm pretty sure it's a root cause of my sexual intrusive thoughts myself and why being a paedophile is one of my biggest fears.I do accept that things started off as OCD a few years but I don't think it explains my actions. That image popped up in my head and I got a groinal response which freaked me out. Later on when I was feeling low I looked up that image, again I dunno why whether it was to test myself and I wanted to just give in to the ocd at that point or because I really wanted to look at this image. I looked at the image, got a groinal response and ended up masturbating, I mean that doesn't sound like OCD to be honest. Thats acting out an intrusive thought which isn't supposed to happen. I dunno I just don't think that my actions were okay at all to be honest and it's just one of many questionable things I've done, I feel like I just try to tidy everything away under an OCD banner.
  3. Polar Bear, I've read your book and as a filmmaker myself I must say this looks absolutely beautiful. Trailer actually brought me to tears, massive congratulations to everyone involved and I hope you continue to have success at festival showings
  4. @dksea I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful reply, but I think this was bigger than just making a mistake with OCD. I had an intrusive thought and I acted on it... I had an intrusive thought about looking up that Image and masturbating to it and thats what happened. Thats acting on a thought which is supposed to not happen with OCD. I feel like saying it was something relating to OCD is a bit of a cop out. I'm going to see about getting counselling through university on tuesday as I feel like its the best and fastest option available to me at this stage. I don't know why I looked up the image, I don' know whether it was because I wanted to or just to get the thought out of my head. I don't know whether I did this intentionally because I was feeling low or I just gave in to a compulsion because of my low mood. I'm so confused.
  5. I haven't posted on here in a while, mostly because my OCD? Has been fairly under control for the last few months. I've been working and I've been at uni which has been keeping my mind busy and myself occupied I've been going out a lot more which has been good for me as well. The past couple of weeks have been hard though, mostly due to being back on social media I keep nearly falling into my old compulsion of typing stuff in to see what comes up but I've managed to avoid that. I have also had intrusive thoughts that I'm attracted to teenagers when I'm serving them in the shop but I try not to ruminate about it telling myself if this is the case there's nothing I can do about it and get on with my shift. Essentially OCD has been trying to get me for the past few weeks now and today I think it did, but the thing is I'm not even sure this is ocd anymore. There may be an element to it but there are other things going on. Basically this morning I had an intrusive thought about a pornographic image of an underage anime girl that I had accidentally stumbled across while doing checks for my POCD a while back. The thought was saying that I wanted to look up this image and masturbate to it and I got an erection while in the shower which really freaked me out. I basically concluded that it was just intrusive thoughts trying to mess with me again and then put it out of my head and went to uni. Pretty much as soon as I got back from uni the thought started to circulate in my head again. I was having my birthday night out tomorrow and most people have now replied that they can't make it so I fell into a bit of a rut, at this point the thought to look up that image again came back. The thought was telling me to just give in and masturbate to this image, and I am so sickened with myself. I did look up the image but I don't know why I did, whether it was to test my attraction to it or whether I genuinely wanted to. I felt incredibly anxious while this was happening but I dunno if this is the anxiety that comes with compulsions or anxiety because I was doing something wrong. I looked at the image and I felt really anxious again but I had an erection while I was looking at it which made me feel disgusting and really unsure of myself. I clicked off the image because I couldn't take it but the thing is I masturbated slightly after I came off it and I ended up ejaculating, I know this is tmi but I have to be honest. I feel absolutely sickened with myself, there was no orgasm, no pleasure, it just sort of happened. I actually felt horrible while it was happening. The thing is I dunno why I even did that, I feel like I just gave into a really sick urge in my head rather than a compulsion. I honestly feel like I've just turned into the thing I've been afraid of becoming all these years. I have done something really really wrong and i'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I had a good start in uni i was making my family proud, making new friends and I've just messed everything up. Honestly I'm getting to the point of just giving up because I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I feel like I'm just going to cause my family and friends pain if I'm around much longer. They think I'm a good guy but the truth is they're too good for me, I just feel like things have gone too far now.
  6. i'm in a bad way and I need help, urgently. I can't continue living my life like this. i'm having horrible intrusive thoughts about my dog and I seriously can't cope with it. I had a thougjt the other day about stabbing him with my house key and I kinda brushed his fur with it, I think in my mind this was reassurance that I was doing the furthest thing from that, or maybe I acted on a thought. i've also had thoughts about strangling him and ripping his whiskers out, i've done things like gently rubbing his neck and then running my hand over his whiskers after having these thoughts. I don't even know if these fall under compulsions or if im acting on urges. it makes me think that it might actually be an impulse control problem rather than ocd. I know I havent actually hurt my dog but I hate doing these things. I want the earth to just swallow me up with the guilt. i've never involved anybody else in my compulsions or imposed on them but the way i'vetreated my dog is disgusting. I need some type of specialist treatment but in scotland its extremely limited and I need someone to point me in the right direction. I also need to know what to do if oi cant get a referral from my gp.
  7. I shouldnt ruminate even if ive potentially done something wrong? I do appreciate the forum but as I say I need more support in my day to day life, I suppose its worthn going to my gp again but I dont think he'll listen to me.
  8. I do get what you're saying but the problem is that sometimes you're performing compulsions , especially mental ones, and not even realise. As i say the thing that made me really worried and feel awful was my dog's reaction but i cant exactly ask him, im convinced its because of what i was doing. I am aware of compulsions to look out for but without being able to really put anything into practice then its no wonder i end up down a rabbit hole. I know this can't be done through a forum tbf but my gp doesn't really take me seriously and my therapy was cut short. I'm at a loss because a lot of the time i'm left to be my own therapist with very little support in my day to day life.
  9. I've been sitting on this for a few days now and i'm still not sure how i feel. I think i wanted it to be something related to my OCD so that I wasn't 'bad' but i just don't know my head is too mixed up right now. I know when i've done compulsions before its to get a thought out of my head and in this case it felt like i was giving into an urge, but it also could have been to get the thought out of my head, but honestly it did feel like i was acting on an urge at the time. Regardless i did do something wrong because my dog wouldn't come with me for like 10 minutes, he's been fine since but i think the fact he wouldn't come near me at the time makes it seem like i actually did do something wrong and had bad intentions towards him. I've also seen that compulsivity is a common trait in sex offenders which makes me worry that there could be compulsivity in my porn use, because i can't quit watching it. I'm confused whether this is due to compulsive behavior or addiction . It confuses me how compulsivity can fit into other aspects of life , maybe it goes beyond ocd. I guess i'm confused betwwen the difference between ocd and someone who simply engages in compulsive behavior
  10. Yes i had a strange thought but the problem is i feel like i don't really know where my head is at , this to me doesn't feel like ocd and my behaviour is not really common. I straight up felt like i had abused my dog last night. I know that reassurance is frowned upon but i also can't treat it as ocd if i don't know that , i still don't have an official diagnosis. I'm asking because i need to get the right help whether thats ocd or i have some sort of sexual delinquency/ impulse control problem . I've had to be my own therapist for the last year, my therapy got stopped after two weeks because my therapist said i was using it as reassurance . Rather than help me learn to stop looking for reassurance she just cut me loose. I've tried getting a referral for advanced intervention service but my GP just totally dismisses me with everything i come to him with. My only option at this stage is to either change practice or see a private psychiatrist which i can't afford just now. This is all i've got available to me so i just need someone to help me and tell me what's wrong, there's only so much i can do by myself
  11. Hi, i'm back. Although, i'm not too happy about it. I was doing as well as i can be living with ocd, my obsessions are still pretty much in full swing but i just get on with things and i've been able to hold down a job for the past six months. For the most part i've pretty much just been my own therapist with some bumps along the road , mostly been doing this through a joutnal and keeping a record of my thoughts. Watching PURE was a big help as well and listening to the ramones after finding out joey had ocd. I still worry about the paedophile obsession, although that kind of changed and i'm now obsessively worried about finding teenagers attractive. I know why i worry obsessively about this but i won't mention that here. The most disturbing sexual thoughts i've had are about my dog. The dog got attached to me very quickly and i was so worried i was going to do something to him in the first couple of week. I worried about things like loooking at his genitals and touching them when rubbing his belly. There's other stuff but i don't want to talk about it because its pretty disturbing and i'm embarrassed and ashamed of it. my dog is VERY clingy so in a way that actually served as exposure and the thoughts died down until yesterday they started getting really bad again. My dog was sitting next to me quite close to my face and i was mimicking his panting quite playfully. But then i got a thought basically saying i wanted my dog to stick his tongue down my throat. I did the same thing again just sat close to his face copying his panting as exposure just to kind of prove to myself that it was just playful but it also kind of felt like i was trying to see if that thought would even happen and then i felt like i wanted my dog to actually put his tongue in my mouth. I started getting obsessed with this idea but last night i repeated the same thing just by doing that playful panting thing i was doing earlier and i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. It think i was actually trying to see if my dog would actually put his tongue in my mouth and i don't know if i genuinely wanted tht to happen or if i was trying to prove to myself that this wouldn't happen and if it did happen then i wouldn't like this. At the time though it felt like i was giving into an urge. The thign i s my dog who is hormally quite clingy was being quite distant and wouldn't come to bed with me he did eventually and everything is back to normal today but i'm worried i've genuinely violated him because i do love my dog to bits and i couldn't live with myself if i had hurt him in that way. I know i have ocd for a fact and i know some people will say i am looking for reassurance but this felt like i genuinely gave into an urge and i'm trying to tell myself this is ocd but it doesn't sit right. if this behavior doesn't fall into ocd then i need to know so that i can get the right help i and you're the best folk to ask.
  12. I did kinda feel like it was ridiculous when I was typing it out and I usually feel that way with most of my posts. I just still feel like the things I've been doing are wrong, like masturbating to that video. I have used masturbation to check before but I feel like it's getting compulsive and that's a major problem.
  13. I'm back on my bike now. I got a brand new one a couple of weeks ago, the one I was using was second hand. It's not a new obsession I mean it's always kind of been there its just now taking center stage since I'm getting over the fear of being attracted to children. When you say real things that have happened to me are you talking about the compulsions I've done or do you mean what happened when I was younger? Sorry for the confusion.
  14. Since my last post there have been a few changes with regards to my OCD. I am now 100% convinced that I am not attracted to children in anyway shape or form, and I never have been. You think that would be great news and things would be a lot better, but sadly that isn't really the case. Instead my obsessions shifted from children to teenagers, and I'm not talking young teenagers, i mean mid-late teens but under 18. I basically got it into my head that being attracted to anyone under the age of 18 would be innapropriate and problematic and then that brought up the usual feelings of shame and so on. This bothered me for some time and eventually I started looking into it and whether an attraction to this age group was "normal". I also read a few articles from Steven Phillipson where he explains the difference between finding someone "pretty" and actually being attracted to them. I took all of this on board and eventually came to the conclusion that I am not attracted to teens 15 and up as a whole but if I ever found say a 16 year old attractive then it wouldn't be the end of the world as obviously I wouldn't act on it whether it is considered biologically "normal" or not. Getting out on my bike has been a huge benefit for me, I managed to cycle 50 miles at one point which made me feel really proud of myself. I dare say that developing a passion for cycling has saved my life, it enforces positive feelings, gets me out of the house for hours at a time so I'm not engaging in compulsions, but most of all it's been therapuetic and it offers me a lot of enjoyment. Unfortunately the bike was out of commission for a few weeks after a nasty crash and so was I, i broke my elbow so there was no way that I could get out on it anyway. After a few days I found myself going back to the usual compulsions. I started doing checks by looking at anime characters and going on the instagram accounts of teen actors which makes me feel so disgusted with myself. With the anime characters I actually started masturbating compulsively and when I got off I found that the obsessions have gotten so twisted that I'm trying to prove that I was right all along and that they are true, I can't really explain it properly cause my head is such a mess right now. So that's been a thing but today has been the absolute worst yet and I don't think anyone will can or should have sympathy with me. I woke up this morning and I was browsing YouTube and I seen a video that was apparently calling out this girl who was 15 for posting like really provocative videos with the way she was dressed and how she was acting like posting twerking videos on her instagram and stuff. I clicked on this video to check if I was attracted to it and when the video started playing these clips of the girl I had a full on erection, and the usual feelings where there for a groinal response like I didn't want to have that reaction but the thing is I actually masturbated and again I didn't enjoy it, I think subconsciously I was testing myself but again I dunno why I'm doing these things. Last night I visited stopitnow! To see if I matched any traits for people who start looking at child porn and offers support for paedophiles, which obviously I haven't and it doesn't apply to me, but I wanted to see if there was anything on that website which sprung out at me. I fully recognise that my actions are driven by compulsions but after visiting this website I realise that the things I have been doing are so wrong. This website made it clear that there was no grey area. The looking at the anime characters, looking at teen actors instagram accounts, and then today the fact that I actually masturbated over that video. The things I have done are abhorrent and it's because I allowed myself to get lost in this illness. I'm not saying it as an excuse but would I be doing all of this if I had OCD, no. That being said regardless if it's the reason or not I have to take responsibility for allowing it to get to this point, and to be honest I expect there may be consequences from making this post and I'll have to face them. The thing that bothers me now is that I can't really hold the moral high ground over my abuser because the things that I have done are in some people's eyes, including my own, regardless of my intentions and motivations, are just as bad. The path to hell is paved with good intentions as they say. There `are others I would love to sit here and blame. I would love to just point the finger at my abuser and proclaim him at the cause of all my troubles but thats just not true. I knew the compulsions I was doing were wrong and continued anyway, thats on me. I would love to blame my aunt and my dad for not sectioning me for when I felt like I was losing myself, but at the end of the day I'm a 23 year old man, I should have walked myself up to the hospital if I felt like that. I would love to blame my therapists but at the end of the day it was down to me find the right therapist and the right treatment and was given the opportunity to do so on here many times. The responsibility is mine and mine and alone. If there's one thing that should come from this post is that how easy it is to get lost in this illness. The things that I have done as compulsions in this case have taken me closer to the very thing I was trying to avoid becoming and led me on such a slippery slope. At this point I'm still going to try and bounce back but at the end of the day the way this is going I can't see it ending well, like honestly either dead or with a criminal conviction. That's the stage I'm at.
  15. OCDhavenobrain, thanks for the solid advice man, I really appreciate it. Poirot I appreciate your advice as well. I do get along with my therapist its just that I can't get the right treatment. I have been dealing with this myself for three years so it would be nice to get professional support
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