chaosed

Thank you polar bear. You have always been here to help me when I needed. I just don't know what to do, I am so sad. I feel stuck and I don't know how to get out. It's like I know what to do to be happy, but then I get a thought that it wont work out and I wont be happy and then if I don't think about it I have this nagging feeling in my head and in my chest that follows me around and my anxiety levels rise and I get more anxiety as new urges to perform compulsions arise. And I feel bad because I would want to know my fears and discuss them with someone. I resist compulsions, but I would like to also know what the fear is. I want to know what I am afraid of that I feel the need to do compulsions, and discuss about it with someone. I just feel so alone. Nobody understands me, really. Nobody took the time to inform themselves about my condition. Rather, they try to find other reasons, like, the cigarettes are at fault, or, I am not fit for a relationship. Or I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I know that I have nothing to worry about, but if I ignore these feelings then my anxiety rises and I can't sleep at night. I get palpitations and then my stress and anxiety levels rise and I can't think straight and then I worry about 100 little things (which seem so big, with no solution in sight), and then I am overwhelmed by depressive feelings and I feel like I will never be okay, and it will never be okay.

I have these sad, depressing thoughts everytime I think about knowing what to do to stress less and be happy. I don't know how to explain it better, so I'll give an example. I usually read the news, and I realise that most of the time, I do it to escape my feelings. So as I just read a sad news about vendors selling us sugar and the like with less then 1 kg of sugar, I put the phone down and asserted how I feeled. I was disappointed in myself for sitting there and reading the news. So I thought that from now on I won't read the news to escape my feelings anymore. I thought that I will do whatever I feel like doing, I will work towards my objectives, I will be happy and then I thought how well would I get along with my partner in this situation. But then I thought that even though I would be happy, he would not be happy with me and he will leave me. I mean, I was happy for like 5 seconds, it's unbelievable. Even though I get along well with my partner, and it would be ten times better if I were to stress less, and just be myself, it's hard to be myself for fear that I will be rejected. So I guess I am in this heightened state of attention at all times for whatever I might say that might displease my partner, or do, or think, which overall makes the relationship stale, and makes me unable to sleep at night sometimes. It just tires me, because it's just too much to think about, or take into consideration. If I don't ruminate at night, then my head hurts, and symptoms of anxiety arise. Well, I think that my fears/beliefs are pretty straight forward: I don't love my partner I will never be happy. I will end up like my mother. (social skills wise). I know that overall I don't have anything to complain about - I mean, everything is normal, I don't have any uncommon event that needs my attention. I can't believe that I can find so many problems that some days I have trouble falling asleep. I realise they are irrational, I do compulsions still. I know the problem isn't what I think about, the problem is why I have a problem with what I think about. And I find it quite difficult to pinpoint the thought which caused me distress, and then to counter it with something more rational. I think that my fear that popped into my head tonight (with not getting along with my partner), came into existence because of my black and white thinking. Because every time we had a fight or he said something to me, for a long it, it felt like the end of the world for me. So I got into this loop of feeling extremely well and then came my boyfriend and "ruined" everything with his comments about the toothpaste. Now, even though I realise that and I find it silly myself to get worked up over some toothpaste for example, I still have this feeling that I will never be happy and if I will then the relationship with my boyfriend would fall apart. It seems like a difficult topic to wrap my head around and decatastrophise. It would be nice to have a good CBT therapist to talk about, but I'm living in a country where shrimps are sold with 30% less meat than they say they do, so what would you expect from a CBT therapist... I don't know, just thinking that he would be dissapointed and we would grow distant and eventually split up breaks my heart. Even though he said that all he wants is for me to be happy. I fear that if I were to be happy, I would do something stupid and ruin everything. Or he wouldn't accept me as I am. I have a hunch that if he accepted me up until now, I see no reason for him to suddenly change his mind when I will no longer have all these extreme moods... This is a strong indication that there is a high chance that he won't leave me. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. Sorry for the lengthy post

thank you for your kind reminder, you always have a way of helping me get my feet on the ground. I didn't do that (but it's a good idea to keep in mind), but I was a little bit more comfortable with my lame choices (not giving in to the fear of what my boyfriend might think about them). I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately with all this free time to do with as I wish, it hasn't happened in a long time to have so much time to organize for myself. During the school year, I wasted a lot of time, but it didn't feel like it since I had my assignments that I had to do. Now, having all this free time and only my graduation project to do, I've been real lazy. I think I should change the way I view my graduation project. I had no problem this year working on my assignments. But when I try to work on my graduation project I usually get extremely stressed out and nervous, it's like a matter of life and death and everything depends on it, I think I have extremely big expectations from myself regarding it. This actually gave me the idea to view it exactly as I viewed all my other school projects: like an assignment which I have to do and that's it, to complete a set of requirements in order to get a passing grade and everything beyond that is a bonus and a personal ambition. I find it funny that I have ever seen it in any other way, but there's such a fuss surrounding this project, like it's this extremely important thing (well it is, but i don't think it's THAT important to get so worked up about, i mean, if you get so stressed that you feel stuck and unable to work on it, that's no good), important for your career, life, relationships, money, everything, that I somehow started to see it as more than it actually is and to think it's way harder to do than it actually is. I hope that with this new perspective I'll be able to get some of the weight of worrying off my shoulders.

You know, you don't have to believe in yourself right now, to stop giving any meaning or importance to that thought. Look, you might decide that you want to let it go, and he would still pop into your mind. That's okay, because we don't control the things that pop into our mind. Look, let's say I get the urge to the a compulsion, and I do it, but then I decide to stop. I have mental compulsions, let's say I just repeated "letters from iwo jima ". I decided to stop, but after a short while a "iwo jima" or something would pop into my head that doesn't mean I still want to do the compulsion, or I want to give it any meaning or importance, it just pops into my head. Mindfulness meditation has really helped me put a distance between me and my thoughts, I am sure you would find it useful

I'm feeling stuck and unfortunately I don't know if this is OCD or not, even though I am ruminating a lot, for one, and I avoid doing the things that I want to do because of it. I don't even know what the things I want to do are. I know that I could just go about my day, doing the things I have to do, but also relaxing and stuff. So I pretty much know that if I were to do the things I want to do in a day, without worrying what my boyfriend would think about what I am doing, everything would be fine. But at the same time, I am afraid that what I want to do wouldn't be good enough for him, or he would think that I should have done something else instead. So not in a controlling way, but in a more "it would have been better if you have done this other thing instead". I don't know if it makes any sense, but I am completely stuck at the moment. I am literally afraid to do anything. Which doesn't make any sense, because anything I would do would be better than what I am doing (smoking and staying on the internet). So let's say I have a fresh day ahead of me. I want to study, do the groceries, clean a little bit and in the evening go for a walk, or run, or read, or watch a movie, or talk with someone. But then I think: what should I do first? If I study first, the house isn't clean, I can't study like that. If I clean, I'm afraid my boyfriend will tell me I should have studied. When should I do the groceries? When should I go for a walk? Or read? When should I call someone? My biggest fear by far is that he would call me and ask me what I was doing, and he would get angry if he hears that I am doing something instead of doing something else. Something that I know won't happen, if I think rationally about it. But I'm afraid it will. Then, my second fear, is that he would advise me to do something that I already planned to do. And my third fear is that he would actually give me good advice, and I would feel bad that I didn't think that on my own. I ask you, what is this? Is this all a decoy for my fear of doing anything without having an approval beforehand? My biggest fear is that I would do all I can, and just be happy and go on with my life, and he would think that I am not good enough for him. Which is absurd, because, if I don't do anything, then he will eventually get tired of me and leave me, but, if I am just myself, and do the things I want to do for me and for nobody else, I am pretty confident that he would have no reason to believe I'm not good enough for him. So I am so confused right now. Anyway, that's why I feel stuck. I know what I should do to be happier and get out of this mess, but I am afraid to do it, because if I were to do it then this and that and that might happen... So I think I have this fear of my boyfriend dumping me, and a fear of my boyfriend not understanding me. I have always made fun of psychoanalysis, but my mother when I was little always told me to brush my teeth. And I always told her "I just wanted to do it". And she always told me "yeah, sure.." and I would tell her "what, do you think that I wouldn't have done it if you didn't tell me to" and she would say "yes". I swear, I am afraid that my boyfriend would advise me to do something and then if I do it he would think that I did it because he told me. I actually had a conversation with him in which he explained to me that it's more important to do the things that I want to do than what he would think of what I did. But I just can't seem to get past these fears. -.-

I feel stuck at the moment, too! But it's in our power to get past it, stop feeding the fears which keep us stuck, or, as a romanian saying goes, stop giving water to the mill. As long as you give it water, it will just go on and on and on and on it goes... there's no stopping until you stop giving it water, aka compulsions!

I don't see how this would qualify as OCD. Having a discomfort is not OCD. Having feelings, thoughts, in themselves, is not OCD. Everybody has them It's the way we react to them, by engaging in compulsions, that sets us apart from the "normal" and towards a more OCD perspective. If it makes any sense Could you be referring to that feeling of "oh, I need to engage in a compulsion?" That may be OCD, but as long as you don't engage in the compulsion, and there's no fear, I suppose that's about it. I get that pretty often.

Well, you could think that you will never get attracted to men again, but this may pass. We change from month to month and from year to year, I've learned to not pay attention to this definitive thoughts I get, since a lot of them were proven wrong over the years. Try to think about other things you thought you'll never do, but you did. If you can't think of any, don't sweat, it will be revealed to you by time. I thought I'll never start smoking, I'll never smoke weed, I'll never have sex until I'll get married. So now when I think that I'll never be happy, I'll never have kids, I'll never find a job, I'll never travel I just think "whatever, I have no proof for this anyway". Your belief, even strong, isn't enough for something to be true. But I wouldn't recommend now looking for evidence that it is or isn't true. Only open up to the possibility that it may not be true, embrace the uncertainty and know that it is okay to not know your sexuality now, it's perfectly normal and fine. I used to think that my theme was pretty light, too, as I can't even pinpoint it, but I got pretty strong feelings from it, so i believe it's not about the THEME, but about how we react to feelings of uncertainty and intrusive thoughts. No theme is easier than other. You get degrees of distress in regards to how strong is your fear, how many compulsions you make and such. The theme is irrelevant, the techniques for treatment are the same, and the particularities of one's fears are best discussed in therapy. Are you by any chance trying to use your feelings to prove or disprove the fact that you are or aren't attracted to guys? Is so, that may be a compulsion. Try to look for other compulsive behaviour. But don't worry too much about it, just catch yourself lingering, ruminating on certain things, aknowledge the way you are feeling and gently focus on something else. Wether you have OCD or not,I think that it's best if you did some CBT. CBT is not for OCD alone, it's also for depression, anxiety, insomnia and other disorders. Feelings of numbness are associated with depression, but I wouldn't worry about it. Because when I was on medication, I was often feeling numb. Just catching myself gazing at some point in space and just feel apathetic. So I wouldn't look for any meaning in these feelings. They are just something of no importance, as you'll get used to the medication you'll feel like this less and less

I was wondering if anyone has got bad (extremely bad) itches sometimes. For the last two nights, I woke up in the middle of the night from itching sensations (they accompany me during the day but they get worse at night) and now I am unable to sleep. Just when I thought that it can't be worse than palpitations, it is, I can't believe it! Anyway I'll go tomorrow to my doctor to rule out anything else, but I get a feeling it's from elevated stress levels. Which are due to the fact that as of the last week I've been cutting out compulsions like crazy, I started getting palpitations during the day too, sometimes. All these physical symptoms are so tiring, it seems like I can't catch a break. I am also extremely disappointed in myself for bringing myself to such elevated levels of stress, I'm constantly on high alert, easily startled, I've also been smoking more (which elevates stress). I'll start therapy next week, but I'm pretty bad at just relaxing. Like I'll think "now I will just relax and not worry about anything" then something pops up, then I get palpitations, then my skin itches, and then I get depressed that I can't relax, then I worry a little and then I stop, but I'm not relaxed anymore, I'm tired of this. :/

thank you! I think I just don't allow me to be happy, because of all the things that have happened to me. I recognise that I could be happy, and that I have no reason not to be, really, if I think rationally at my life right now and how far I've gone towards cutting compulsions and being more present and focused. But after that draining year with my mother, really, I was left with the impression that it will never be okay, and I will never be happy. It's just that. And my relationship will never be ok. I mean, one year of emotional distress with an emotional vampire did it for me. I just lost that optimism. It may be because of my OCD, but I always feel terrible when I hurt someone. And my mother, brother, father, grandmother and boyfriend show no glimpse of remorse for what they did to me, in my eyes. Sure, they changed, a lot. They don't do those things anymore. But how easy it is for them, when they bring someone to the verge of suicide, all they do is "change" and then tell me "oh, there's no need to think about the past now, I've changed, now what is your problem?" I'm having a hard time forgiving them when all they did was "change" then preach me about happiness. I mean, my mother, being the emotional wreck that she was up until this year, took great offense everytime something bothered me, which led me to believe that having bad feelings is wrong. So with all my optimism, everytime someone or something would make me have bad feelings, for me it was proof that it will never be okay. Because I thought that in order to be "happy" you have to think happy thoughts, and not be bothered by things. I was wrong, obviously. So then I had to convince myself again that everythinh will be okay (as cheesy as it sounds) . So I didn't have the knowledge, the tools, I didn't have anything, but I kept failing, kept thinking that it will never be okay and I'll never get out of the mess, and then I would convince me that I will. So at some point (actually when my depression started), I just stopped trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. I just have this faulty thinking pattern it's hard to wrap my mind around. It's a complete mess. There was an event, actually, when it was the last time that I thought that everything will be okay and I will be happy and calmer and enjoy life. I was at a concert, in an unregulated club which was set on fire by some fireworks on stage. 66 people died, and a hundred others are now handicapped for life. As happy as I am to be alive today, it just did it for me. I never thought I will be happy, again. Now I acknowledge that the unfortunate event wasn't a way for the Universe to show me that it is no point in trying to be happy, actually I'm still trying to disassociate the event. Now I also know that the mood is like a weather, you can be calm and happy overall, but still be bothered by different things, or have struggles with different people. If I were to have those fights with my mother today, I wouldn't take them as proof that it will never be okay, I'll just try to find a solution to cope with it as best as I can and then just go on with my day. So now I know all these new things. But I'm afraid to try and be happy. So it's a fear that I deemed irrational and I have disproven. But because of my OCD, the fear is still there. So even if I have all the reasons to go to sleep happy and not have palpitations, I think that because of this fear I continue to have them. I'm so afraid to just feel good, generally, that now, that I can feel good, I'm just afraid to feel that way. I mean, I didn't feel good, for ten years. I think it's only natural to still feel tense and stressed by this and that, when this is what you did, for ten years. When for ten years nothing was okay. Of course, that is because I only focused on the negatives. But still. I'm just tired, and I just want to sleep.

thank you for your encouraging words, PolarBear! I'll try to keep them in mind

To put it shortly, my relationship with my boyfriend is going down the drain, thanks to the fact that i neglected myself for many years, i neglected my studies and I wasn't happy. I did everything I could to change this year. I did my best to get past my OCD and past my urges to fight with everybody and past my frustrations (most importantly), I didn't do compulsions but I think I ruminated because I have many intrusive feelings I deemed important to this day. Which caused me a lot of distress, because I knew they weren't true but they still popped up in my head and I assumed they were true and they kept me stuck. And today I realized this and the fact that I was constantly reacting to these intrusive thoughts which I believed they were true, after having a really ugly fight with my boyfriend which doomed the relationship forever. And I'm sitting here and I am thinking that I will stop reacting to those stupid thoughts and I will try to be happier, worry less and pretty much enjoy life, while also doing what needs to be done. And I think to myself, what is the point in doing all this and what is the point in being happy if my relationship with my boyfriend is over. So even if I recover, I didn't recover in time to enjoy my relationship with him, and that is just unfair. How could I allow myself to be happy when I was unhappy all this time? Why would I be happy after so many years of insomnia and so many fights and struggles which had no end in sight? I don't really know how to explain it. I have no consolation for all these feelings I felt for so many years. They were pointless and stupid. I am frustrated that I did not know better then and I suffered so much because of it. So even if I know better now, the thought that I suffered so much, for so long, makes me sad, and I am afraid I won't be able to be happy because I will keep remembering things from my past. Especially from my relationship with my boyfriend, which could have been so much happier and content, if I weren't so stupid all the time and unhappy and didn't say and do all those mean things to him. How could I be with anyone, for that matter, and be happy with him, after what I've done to my current soon to be ex boyfriend? I just don't know how I could go on. I just struggle and struggle everyday and nothing gets better and even if it does I get so anxious that it won't stay like that for long that I lose everything I try to build.

I'm starting to have extremely low tolerance for these palpitations. Because I'm doing everything I can to relax and not mind the things in my head. I am actually drifting off and suddenly I think something and I get palpitations. And then I get worked up about this and I notice them and try to do something to stop them and that turned into some kind of compulsion I guess. I'm having recovering OCD again XD. Now I'm just afraid I'll have them and if something unpleasant crosses my mind as I drift off I have this sudden fear that I'll have palpitations and then I do, way stronger than if I didn't have this fear I'll get palpitations at all. I could just think what I think during the day "i'm getting worked up again, I'll try to relax, stop thinking about it and then focus on something else" but it's hard when I drift off, all I think about is "quick, notice your breath", "quick accept them and think of something else" "oh no it's too late now I have them" "I'll never get rid of them". Well now after one year, I can't even imagine going to sleep and not have them. I think that even if I did, I'll be so scared they will come again that this thought would give me palpitations The other night I managed to not mind them at all, and I don't want to try hard to remember how I did it, because I feel that would lead me nowhere. I think that my fears are different any night anyway. As in if one night I come to terms with some thoughts, the next night I'll have another. I don't want to fall asleep with palpitations, I always have nightmares when I do. About my childhood. I just feel those things I felt then all over again, and afterwards I feel stuck in a past I can't escape from. So I get a lot of intrusive thoughts around my palpitations now. I don't know why, I tried so hard to stop them, and when I did, I just got an intrusive thought and then I had palpitations again and I got discouraged. In other compulsions I tried to cut, I didn't.

It's also important to sleep right well now, in my opinion. My OCD is ten times worse when I don't get restful sleep. You can't think straight if you are sleep deprived :/ whatever you worry about during the night, it's not worth your sleep.

You knew the feelings would come, and they did!! Isn't it lovely, when we act as our own fortune teller. Or misfortune teller. It happens to me so often. Everytime I think I'll feel bad, I will. Somehow I don't tell me I'll feel good, because that sounds just foolish, but feeling bad, that sounds legitimate. Wanting to feel certain about something, for good, to get rid of that nagging feeling something is not quite solved right? After all, the whole situation is an unsolved problem for you. It's important. Of course you would get thoughts about it during such a situation. What if you wanted to buy a new front door. That is a problem you want to solve. An issue. Of course that walking down the street you'd see all those pretty or ugly doors and imagine how it would be to have them. We can't control the stuff in our minds, but if it's one thing the brain wants to do, is to be helpful. So when we have a problem, it tries to find solutions. When we imagine having a boring, plain ugly front door, we don't wonder afterwards what that may mean. What that may tell of us, as a person. Wether we indeed had at one point a boring front door just like that or not. Because we don't attach any meaning to that. If we were to attach any meaning to that, then of course we would get to a point when we wouldn't even remember the color of the door we just went out of ten minutes ago. But we don't do that. In the same way, when we see the news, a tv series, or whatnot, we emapthise. We imagine for a second what it would be like to be in the place of those people. We empathise. The brain doesn't choose only the people with good actions to empathise with. Why would you give any more meaning to a thought about you being arrested because you did something years ago, than to a thought about you having an ugly front door you've seen on the street. And you empathise even more so when you have a problem, an issue you've already put so much energy into, which stems for a fear you've fed so much with compulsion in a quest for an answer to an uncertainty which, if proven correct, would lead to catastrophic consequences. It is no wonder in this case that you got a knot in the stomach when watching the show. You may start, rather than to see all these phisical and intense symptoms as proof that you indeed did something terrible which will break your life apart, realising that it may be due to the fact that you've put so much energy into it and your feelings are now extremely intense and are not to be trusted, and also that the brain throws all those thoughts at you because it only wants to help you solve an issue it thinks it's important for you, because of all the energy you put into it. So the answer lies in shifting the focus. When the problem is no longer a problem for us, the brain will send us less and less distressing thoughts. Even if you think that the problem is a problem for you. You could take a leap of faith, and just like in the case of assuming the worst and finding ridiculous of assuming the good (in my case), invite the possibility that your intense feelings may stem from you doing compulsions, and having some catastrophic and other unhelpful thinking patterns. And start taking steps to reduce them, accordingly.