Em00

Hi Ecomum. Thanks for the reply. I'm trying really hard to distract and keep busy so I'm not obsessing. I'm trying to challenge my thoughts, but it's so hard when there's so much unknown with everything going on and this virus.

Hey. I haven't been on in a little while. I suppose I should get to the point. Everything that is happening now is like all of my ocd nightmares coming true. It's not even just ocd, it's fear and reality. Contamination fears and hand washing haven't been too bad because I've hardly left the house in two weeks. I'm terrified of making other people ill/killing them unintentionally - I want to help the local community - helping people with shopping etc, but instead I'm feeling really isolated because I can't even bear to be around people in case I make them ill. My partner is a keyworker, so working every day and I'm terrified of them getting ill and dying. But my biggest fear is the collapse of society and the end of the human race, I've obsessed about it for years and has made me hugely suicidal for years. In and out of psych wards. And now it all seems to be coming true. People are being hideous to each other, hoarding shopping, the economy is failing, the NHS will fall apart, don't even get me started on the climate. What happens next? Its certainly not going to get any better. It's all so awful and I can't bear it. I was starting to get a bit better, coping better, but in the past month it's fallen apart. Endless panic attacks and tears. I have a mental health worker who has stopped visiting because of the virus, we spoke on the phone, she thinks I can cope fine. I want to be dead. My partner (obviously) doesn't want me to. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, horrendously claustrophobic and awful. I'm also autistic and all of my usual routines that I've worked so hard on have gone out of the window. I can't cope. I don't want to be living this.

I haven't been on for a while. I've been working really hard on dealing with my obsessive thoughts and my general anxiety. It's been hard. I thought things had got a bit 'easier' and now an obsession I had previously for years has come back - the end of the world. I can't stop thinking about it and how likely it is and how awful it will be. Its brought me to my knees. Again. But it's real. But I'm so so tired of thinking. I want it to stop. My mental health team are talking about discharging me because I've been working so hard on coping/skills/recovery. But the obsessing is never going to stop is it? I can't remember a time I ever felt safe or not obsessed with catastrophe. I'm so tired.

Thanks dksea. It's so hard when it's rumination - it's not like do this action or don't do that action, as we know our minds tend to do what they want! Everytime you're faced with the thoughts it's like the very first time you've had them, nothing has changed. Is there equal merit in challenging thoughts compared to just letting them go? Or is one more important than the other? I continue trying to find something that might help make it easier, but sadly I don't think there is anything and all this thinking probably just exacerbates the issue. ?

ASD in females is often missed altogether or misdiagnosed as BPD, or some people have both (me feasibly) I'm a very obsessive person!

Thank you for the replies. I understand the concept of not clinging on to my thoughts. My problem lies in being stuck with not believing the thoughts to be very important ie I AM a bad person and how I reconcile with that. Especially when it's not what other people say think. So I get stuck going round in circles because my thinking is different to people I have spoken to. But I honestly can not see things from their perspective. And then there's the issue not being black and white, which completely trips me trying to cope with the uncertainty...

Have you ever done Compassion based therapy gbg?

Thanks gbg. I relate to what you've said - I tend to be very black and white with how I think. But what's really demoralising is I WANT to think differently and I know I need to, but there's just always this nagging background that I don't believe it. And because there's that mismatch I just keep going over and over it. ?

Do you think your Aspergers contributes to your obsessing? Core beliefs - not really. It's hard, because I have had therapy under the NHS you tend to get what you're given. Everything is very short term and present focused.

I often relate to your posts gbg. Should we hope for things to get better or is it more realistic to accept we'll always struggle with some things??

My ocd is mainly obsessional, focused on responsibility and harm I might cause others. (also contamination) My biggest sticking point is ruminating over past mistakes. However much I try and let go of my thinking I can't. I don't BELIEVE that I'm not bad and haven't done a bad thing. Even though I WANT to forgive myself and stop going over and over I can't seem to. I try so hard. I meditate daily, I try and let go of my thoughts, I work hard to try and keep my general anxiety down. I find it hard to believe it's ocd even though I'm aware the amount of thinking I'm doing is extreme. It's been like this for 6 years. I also have Aspergers which I'm aware makes me prone to obsess. I'm on clomipramine and quetiapine. I'm just coming to the end of a second lot of 'cbt' with the mental health team. However because I was so suicidal when I came into therapy, the psychologist has merged it more into dbt I'd done previously. Similarly to cbt we've been looking at challenging my thinking and being mindful of my thoughts. I can't ask for more therapy as they were so reluctant to give me this. I still feel stuck. I still don't want to be alive. My current support talks about living with my current obsessing and uncertainty. Is it never going to get better? I find it hard to bear the thought it won't get better. I feel broken.

I'm definitely working on the self compassion stuff. Trying. And trying to not do the fact checking, googling and reassurance seeking. My brain feels 'itchy' but trying to sit with it.

Letting myself off the hook by thinking it's ocd or letting myself off the hook for doing bad things?

I struggle with it a lot. I have Aspergers too so tend to have quite rigid thoughts on right and wrong. I'm constantly trying to work out whether what I'm thinking is accurate and realistic. I'm trying to work on self compassion and being kinder to myself. But my brain always comes up with another angle as to why I'm bad. I'm just not sure if I'm trying to make excuses for myself by thinking I have ocd.

So I've been 'dealing' with obsessive thoughts and guilt around things I may or may not have done in the past, am I a bad person etc for years now. Before that is was different obsessions. In the past year I've been working in therapy on it, challenging thoughts, mindfulness, avoiding compulsions etc. Things have been getting marginally easier. But in the past year it's also started to catch onto things in my relationship. Things I've done, am I bad, should someone love me etc etc. It's flared up really badly this weekend and I feel terrible. It feels terrifying. Eg a drunken kiss from years and years ago my partner knows about. Other things, have I explained them properly. But it makes me think - where is the line, if you HAVE done bad things, surely that's not a psychological disorder, that just you feeling legitimate guilt? I feel like I'm trying to let myself of the hook by thinking I have ocd. I'm still a bad person, I just feel bad about it which is my own stupid fault. I feel like my brain is constantly at war with myself.