Bee2017

Hi! It has been a while since I was last on, it's been absolutely manic with having a toddler approaching nearly the age of two! I have been managing my OCD and trying not to interact with it as much, although I still get the odd few really bad days and sometimes weeks. I still stress about if I would abuse my little girl in my sleep, but it is not as huge panic like it was a few months ago. I think where I have been trying to not interact with it and that she finally sleeps in her own bed now has obviously had huge factors as to why it's not as bad, but I am proud of myself for not feeding the intrusive thoughts as much as I used to. I had a little question, especially to parents with little ones who have started dating again. I have been single for a while now and one of the reason I have been is because I am too scared to let a man into my life in case they abuse my little girl. I get that all parents probably have this worry when they meet someone but with my intrusive thoughts it makes it a million times worse because as soon as I talk to someone, the first thing that pops into my head is, is he a paedophile! I then have this doubt and I think is it my OCD or should I be worried. What makes it worse is I would never forgive myself if I just put it down to an OCD thought and it ended up being true and preventable if I had listened to my gut. I just feel like I can never tell the difference to knowing if it's gut instinct or my OCD, if that makes sense? Has anyone else found it hard to date with OCD and children involved? I always think should I wait until my little girl is at least old enough to tell me if something is wrong, she is only just turning two and although her speech is good I know she would never be able to tell me if someone has hurt her. I wonder if I should just wait now until she is definitely older? x

I went to ENT today to sort my ear out (ongoing problems with hearing from childhood) he was asking what medical issues I had and what medicine I took and I have no idea why. Anyway so I went in as I have this sharp pain in my ear and constant itching in it which I use an earbud for to get the itch. When he asked about the meds I was on and what for I had said it was for my PND & OCD. Which I didn't tell him about straight away as I didn't know why that made a difference to my ear problem. So then the next thing he was like well it's a good job you told me about your OCD as that's why you itch it so much with an ear bud because its part of the OCD and completely the compulsion of wanting your ear to be clean! I was just so shell shocked, for starters the reason I itch my ear with an earbud is because it itches and I want the itching to go away not because its a compulsion or wanting to be clean as he put it and secondly I suffer from intrusive thoughts but he just assumed I had the cleaning side of OCD without even asking me first! I was just so stunned to see how ignorant he had been and didn't correct him as I honestly didn't have the patience and I was just lost for words. Sorry I just had to come on here and rant because I was just lost for words earlier.

Probably not to be fair, so I can see where the OCD is coming into place with that. It is just a vicious circle for me, because as soon as I learn to tackle one intrusive thought another comes back round. I’d been doing okay and not over panicking as much during bedtimes but now, the whole thoughts of me abusing her in my sleep has become worse again. Any slight change and that’s it I’m convinced I have done something in my sleep, like earlier she had fallen sleeps in my bed and I had drifted off next to her when I woke I noticed her T shirt was up and that was it, my brain immediately started putting in the thoughts that I had done something. Chances are I probably haven’t, but because I can never really know that’s what makes it harder for me to just be like yes that’s another thought and leave it as that, if that makes sense ? I have noticed when I’m going through a rough patch, or having an extremely low day and my anxiety and depression is really apparent that is when the thoughts are there more and I have to admit and I feel like at times I don’t have the energy to just brush them off and instead always believe them.

So I was reading a news article and the story was about a dad harming his child, stupid to read it I know considering my triggers and thoughts are around harm! It is a compulsion I have got to break, I realise that, but aside from that, when I read it, it mentioned that the dad had pinched the child constantly and then all my mind kept thinking was to go and pinch my daughter! Is that a normal to then think that and is that part of my OCD playing with my head, or something I should be worried about? On a side not, I am going to avoid reading the news from now on as it really triggers off my OCD.

Hiya, so sorry for the late reply! My memory is terrible since having a baby! No I definitely get what you mean, speaking to my therapist and having her reassure me did help I won't lie. I think it's because it's such a horrible thought, I panic of the thought that I could abuse her in my sleep and not even know. If it had been about hurting my partner it wouldn't be as tough if that makes sense as I would know he could protect himself or tell me if I had done something, but knowing how vulnerable she is and not being able to actually tell me makes it so difficult. It's affecting my bond with her and I honestly just don't enjoy motherhood like I thought I would of been able too, which then makes me feel even worse as I feel like a rubbish mum.

I know what you mean I hate this feeling, I haven’t been able to enjoy motherhood since my little one was born a year and a half ago. I’m coping with the intrusive thoughts & urged during the day but once asleep I have this constant fear I’m going to abuse her when I am asleep. It doesn’t help that I found my hand on her nappy, that just makes it a million times more difficult x

I thibk I am worried because of the intrusive thoughts and urges, that I am going to do something whilst asleep and not knowing, not out of wanting to but out of doing it without knowing if that makes sense? I know my therapist said you can’t do things in your sleep but how can anyone actually be sure if they are asleep. I just don’t want to do something in my sleep and end up hurting her, I’d be distraught forever :/

My little girl comes into my bed during the night some times and she always has a habit of pulling my hand and wrapping it around her or sometimes she wraps her whole body around my arm and lays on it if that makes sense? I woke up this morning though and my hand was on her nappy, now I’ve got this constant worry that I’ve hurt her in my sleep as technically that is evidence there that I could have. I’m worrying as she gets older too as what if I did something in my sleep when she’s bigger and doesn’t wear a nappy but pants if that makes sense. Is there anything I can do just to make sure I’m not hurting her, like going to a sleep specialist, recording it etc? I wouldn’t worry as much if it was my partner etc as I know they could tell me, but I’m so scared that I could of done something to her because of this, I just feel like I’m not enjoying being a mum at all anymore and now I feel a danger to her.

How likely is it that I could hurt my toddler in her sleep? It’s one of my biggest fears and that along with at the minute she cries when it’s bedtime and won’t settle for ages so I’m obviously convinced I’ve done something without realising in my sleep which is why she’s scared. I just wondered if it’s very likely and if anyone actually has or heard of someone who had.

I totally get what you mean, I have started to acknowledge that the thoughts are only that and that the urges don't mean that I will actually act on them. So now it has shifted to the constant worry that I might do something in my sleep to her and the worst is I would have absolutely no idea if I had or not :\

I think I just panic because if I've done something to her in my sleep I wouldn't have a clue. I think it's triggered more by the fact I saw on the news a man had killed his wife in his sleep and now it's making me panic that I might act on my urges in my sleep, if that makes sense. No that's true, I guess it's just a thing I've assumed. It's because it's such a horrible thing to read about that I just always think that people should feel upset or distressed about it.

Hey, just wondered if someone could answer my questions, rather than me doing a million different threads I will just paragraph them if that is okay. My first question is, how likely is it, that I could actually abuse my little girl in her sleep. It is one of my biggest fears and it is even harder to ignore because I have absolutely no idea if I have or haven't. Secondly, how can I be sure I am not a paedophile? When I see/hear things on the news, in films, tv etc I sometimes get a weird groinal response. I also feel like I am constantly looking to see if I am like them and sometimes I don't get upset or have a sad reaction reading the stories which then makes me think I am just like them! Like I will read stay a new article on an abuse case and I will think that is horrid but I don't always get that sad distressing feeling like I should get reading them.

Okay so I think I’ve sussed out what the major problem is. With ERP you obviously have to sit with the thoughts which I’m managing to do but along with letting the thoughts sit I’ve noticed the main problem is the resisting the urge to act on the compulsion! Which given the nature of my intrusive thoughts and compulsions I need to seriously tackle but that’s where the problem lies. I am seriously struggling to resist the urge to act on the compulsions and have ended up doing so a couple of times as I said in the previous post. Does anyone have any good tips for tackling the compulsions, I’ve been doing breathing techniques and trying to distract away from the compulsion but any other ideas would be great. I’ve also noticed I find that I’m slightly acting out on compulsions out of habit and don’t even realise I’m doing it sometimes, I don’t know if that’s normal though :S

I had the compulsion whilst cleaning hear to touch the top of her private area, like just tap it which I then carried out and instantly regretted, it made my anxiety worse as I then panicked about why I had done it etc. The compulsion is still there at nappy changing time but instead I am distracting myself from it, such as taking away the thought and replacing it with another one instead or talking/singing to my little girl. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but it helps a little. Thank you again for taking the time to help and answer my questions. It’s very much appreciated

Ah thank you, that has explained it perfectly Can I be quite cheeky and ask another question please, I get the compulsions to touch my little girl, it isn't because I get enjoyment, it is because I think well if I quickly did it the compulsion will disappear and I won't be panicking about it anymore and the anxiety goes down. I hadn't done it before but carried out that compulsion the other day, but realised after that I shouldn't of and that I wasn't strong enough in ignoring the compulsion, something I am now working on really hard. But I try to tell myself that if I was an actual paedophile I would have done something by now and that I would enjoy the thoughts, but then I find my mind then saying well the only reason I haven't done anything is because I don't want to get caught etc. Is this also a normal OCD thought? I am also struggling to not act on compulsions at this moment, would you say the best way for not acting on them is distraction techniques and is it okay to tell myself things like "oh it's just a silly compulsion, I don't need to act on it?" Thank you again for your help and the explanation, it's helped a lot