ExpectoPatronum

This will probably be a rambling post and I apologize. I am wondering if there’s any point in trying therapy if I honestly don’t think I have the drive or strength or intentions to get better. I think it would be wrong of me to waste a therapist’s time if my heart and head aren’t in the right place when they could be helping someone else who perhaps has more “try” in them. I guess I’m asking that if I don’t currently have the will to get better or change, should I maybe wait a bit until I somehow have better intentions? I feel so hopeless right now that I don’t think I can make any effortfull change, and I don’t want someone to waste their efforts when there are certainly others more deserving. Does this make sense?

I’m so sorry, Saz. Will be thinking of you!

Thank you taurean. I haven’t heard of the ACE plan before. I’ll give it my best shot. I assume there is no recommended ordering or sequence, correct?

I absolutely get this. For me, I don’t think the smell is necessarily not there, but it is much more intense for me than others would experience. Like heightened sensitivity to external stimuli.

So sorry, Saz. By the way, I’m currently rocking glasses too. Have you tried joint/couple counseling at all, and is that something he would be receptive to?

Very, very depressed, and I can’t seem to get out of it. And no motivation to do anything I might enjoy.

I have a question if that’s ok. I’ve really cut down on my compulsions this week, but I feel this overwhelming sense of depression...greater than I have ever felt before. I just feel so heavy and dark that I hardly have the ability to do anything with my thoughts. I’m just wondering if this is a normal occurrence or even related to doing fewer compulsions. Any ideas? I’m just not sure whether there’s a correlation or this is just a random observation.

That is so wonderful!

This is a good point, and I suppose there is a much greater chance of getting in a car accident, foodborne illness, disease, etc. than potential exposure to a chemical. Risks that are taken everyday, and also risks that I worry about. Unfortunately I tend to just trade off one obsession for another, so at least I guess I can take comfort in the fact that the chemical obsession will soon be replaced by something else in the future (and perhaps a risk that actually has a higher probability of occurring).

Ok, thank you. I guess it’s possible that I have poor insight. I just don’t know if I can be convinced that what I’m doing is irrational because it seems so right to me. If it starts interfering with other people’s lives, though, I agree that I need to try to change who I am. Thank you for your help.

Also, my compulsions don’t cause me significant distress. If anything, they are comforting to me. So I don’t even know if I technically would fit into the diagnostic criteria. I am probably just researching things to make myself feel better, so ultimately, perhaps I’m just a selfish, self-consumed person.

Ok, well I will rephrase and say I won’t do that. If I could go back in time and unread everything I have read, then yes, maybe. But at this point, I could not deal with the guilt and I feel like that would be terrible of me to try to deal with my own anxiety by potentially exposing innocent children to something potentially harmful. I just could not live with myself. And honestly, I am going to admit that I probably don’t have OCD. I don’t have any sense or understanding that me doing this is irrational or unnecessary. I’m sorry if I sound argumentative, but I am feeling pretty convinced that this is outside the realm of ocd.

Well I can’t do that.

Yes, why do you ask?

And also, would erp even be appropriate in this scenario?

Thank you PB and dksea for the help. I have another question, though I think I may already know the answer. So sometimes I intentionally expose myself to chemicals and small amounts of radiation under the guise of it being erp. Is this actually a compulsive behavior? I may be doing it to prove to myself that I’m ok thus my kids must be ok, particularly if I’m continuing to expose myself to chemicals over time and in higher frequencies. Keep in mind these aren’t banned substances so I’m not doing anything inherently dangerous that could contaminate others.

Hi Dksea. Thank you so very much for your detailed response. I will try to enact a few more limits to my research. I think I will try to at least hold off on additional research, at least for the short term as I have already spent so much money replacing things. In terms of setting limits, do you think it is unreasonable to replace things that I didn’t purchase myself and I don’t know where they came from? With products I didn’t purchase myself, I can’t be sure of the origins, their chemical composition, whether it could potentially be counterfeit, etc. It would be awfully environmentally unfriendly and pricey to throw everything out, though, so I am conflicted. And it is of course difficult to remember where everything is from as I haven’t kept a spreadsheet and am now questioning my memory.

Hi Saz, I don’t necessarily have words of wisdom without knowing the specifics, but I empathize with what you’re going through. Relationships are hard anyway, but especially when compounded by anxiety and ocd. I’m going through something that sounds pretty similar relationship-wise and I can’t talk to my partner about anything because they pretty much invalidate anything I say. Hope you are ok.

Truly, a lot of the parents I know do constantly research household chemicals so this is adding to my guilt. I don’t feel like I have a good sense of what is normal. I don’t think that I’m right and everyone else is wrong, just to clarify. I do wish I was oblivious to some of these concerns, but I can’t exactly go back and unknow what I know.

Thank you dksea. I agree with what you’ve said about not being able to eliminate all risks. And I agree that a lot of the claims on the Web are based on pseudoscience, so I do at least try to at least contain my research to peer-reviewed medical journals. And I’m finding many concerning studies that have not necessarily been released to a more public audience or via statements through environmental or health organizations. I’ve been struggling with how to figure out where to draw the line. I can’t really figure out what a normal/healthy level of research is versus a compulsive level. I’m not even sure that I have personally reached a compulsive level. Because a lot of the products in my household were not necessarily purchased by me and were gifted to me (and thus not researched for safety and may have unclear origins), I’m not sure whether it would be prudent to replace things with unclear origins or just try to deal with the potential risk. It’s also frustrating because a lot of the chemicals deemed harmful such as bpa, parabens, etc. are being replaced with things that may likely have similar potential effects on the endocrine system.

Thank you. I will discuss with my doctor. I do actually already have some propranolol on hand. Again, I realize that meds will certainly be no magic solution, but I’m just so shut down right now that it’s hard to focus on getting better. I hope your med review went well and you’re able to work something out that doesn’t cause you any uncomfortable side effects.

Thanks, PolarBear. I promise I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I really don’t know how I can just stop being a certain way. I would argue that I am accountable because children can’t yet make such decisions for themselves and I am responsible for looking after their best interests. I have already found some products in my house that are dangerous, and I wouldn’t have realized this without researching everything. I feel like if I stop, I’m just doing it for my own self comfort to make myself feel better. Wouldn’t that be selfish of me? I feel like if I am complacent about this then I’m just being neglectful. I apologize again, but I don’t understand how I am supposed to feel comfortable just doing nothing.

Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s very subjective. I guess I was just working under the assumption that the smallest dosage possible would be best to avoid potential side effects because I don’t do well with any meds in general. I have no expectations about medication ridding me of OCD thoughts. I don’t see how that would be possible. But I’m wondering if the OCD may be easier to tackle if there was something I could do to at least help cope and lessen the generalized anxiety and depression.

Thank you. That’s really good advice. I am definitely guilty of checking with others (and with slight variations to hopefully be less annoying). I am getting so frustrated because I don’t know the origin of a lot of the products in my home and don’t know whether they could be contaminated with chemicals or heavy metals. They probably aren’t, but there’s still a small chance. And I’m 100% ok with taking small risks when it comes to my own health. However, I just am having so much trouble taking risks when it concerns others’ health, particularly children that rely on you to keep them safe. I feel like I am completely accountable for researching everything to make sure it’s safe and I don’t know where to draw the line.

May I ask what dosage of Escitalopram you have found to be most effective for you? I know it certainly varies by the individual, but I am just curious about how low of a dose you have found helps to manage symptoms. Thanks.